Not allowing my daughters to attend a wedding

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

This might be long but I will try to keep it as short as I can.

My ex's sister is getting married in June. I am also supposed to attend a wedding where my DP is the best man on the same day.

This day is one that falls on a day of my access.

Ex and I have a long history with going to court for access. Ex is egocentric and rather than thinking about what is best for the children's stability always puts his own wants and needs before theirs in terms of access (got drunk/hungover a lot and didnt turn up- cue me getting a court order, changes shifts to suit his lifestyle and expects me to change both the children's life and mine to suit his).

His last shift change was a year ago and the court order no longer suited him and he turns up to avail of access as and when he wants. If theres a racing festival on, or a friend's birthday or the opening of an envelope, he will say he cant collect the kids at the allotted time.

I have acted over the past three years under legal advice because he is such a tool, that if he is not there to collect the children (notwithstanding traffic delays, legitimate reasons) that I do not have to allow him to take them.

He has been told by a judge to stop complaining and that he works around the children: the children dont work around him. He has ignored this.

I am truly sick of being treated like a doormat. Last week, he let me know with 1.5hrs before he was supposed to collect the children from school that he wouldnt be there and I must go. He has a conviction from ignoring a court order to stop harassing me.

I stick to my court order as if I give him an inch he takes a mile. Then some more.

He and his sister arranged our daughters to be flower girls at her wedding. She has bought them dresses. No one ever asked me or even bothered to tell me the date. As I knew this was my day with the kids, I went ahead and made my own plans to go to my BIL's wedding.

I only found out the date of his sister's wedding because I know someone in the hotel it's happening in. The assumption has been all along that I would just give in and say yes.

Ive had everything from him from 'youre a cow/bitch/cunt/insert other word here' to 'thats her godmother/what do you think the girls would choose' to his sister saying that she thinks my approach to his access is 'inhumane' and accusing me of not turning up to court to remedy access (there was no court date, apparently he went to get application papers that I do not need to be there for and had no knowledge of).

She has said how devasatated she is, and why would I prioritise this wedding over hers: a) I didnt know when it was; b) no one told me of these plans.

I have sent Ex future access proposals, have always been reasonable (I may not like the bugger, but the kids love him and I have always facillitated as much of equal weekend access as I can because of this.) but he hasnt moved his backside to change the access order he claims is soooooo unfair to him. Hes had fifteen months to do this, and all I get is a weekly threat to 'take me back to court'.

He can do it! I even told him which form to get, how to fill it out and explained it to him.

I am just sick to my back teeth of being treated like a doormat. He slots the children in around his life, I get treated like a babysitter and my life and anything I want to do is ignored. Im still having this wanker control my life nearly six years after splitting up, because he knows that anytime he chooses not to step up, I will rush in and save the day because I wont let the children down.

There's a long DV history to this, so I am trying not to be resentful or a bitch because of that. I want what is best for the kids, which is exactly why I got a court order in the first place: stability and continuity.

I am just wondering whether IABU.

I can see both sides, I dont want to hurt his sister, but I want to stand up for myself as well.

(That was not short. Apologies.)

Do the children consider BIL to be their uncle? Is it a case of they can go to uncle's wedding or auntie's?

CalF123 Except the op isn't being unreasonable.

@MissBartlettsconscience

The OP has no proof that either of those things have or will happen. People drink at weddings all the time when there are children present- it doesn't stop them looking after their kids, and even if one family member is drunk, there will be others only too happy to play with them for a while surely.

A court certainly isn't going to consider people drinking as an appropriate reason not to send kids to a wedding. The OP is playing right into his hands by doing this, and is going to have great difficulty in future if he chooses to go for further contact or even residence, as this will be used as a clear example of the OP's unreasonable and not in the best interests of the children behaviour.

It's not his weekend. You have plans. It's not like you have turned round and said "oh sorry Father's Day falls on my weekend, you'll have to do something another time". Both events are important but you weren't given the notice required and all you are doing is sticking with the current contact arrangements you have in place (which he seems to constantly flout). Your DC will know it's their weekend with you and having some level of routine undoubtedly helps them deal with their situation (am single parent and know it helps mine!). You are trying to be consistent in the face of emotional blackmail and if you were in a place of effective co-parenting, then things might be very different, but you're not, so stick with your arrangements and plans and don't beat yourself up!

@TheSassyAssassin

Come on- routines can and should be broken for significant events like an aunt's wedding. The DC will know it's their weekend with the OP but they'll also know or discover in future the she stopped them from attending a major family event out of stubbornness. That will have far worse implications than breaking a routine.

Without a doubt the wedding of an aunt and godmother where have been asked to be flower girls far out strips the wedding of your DPs family to which they have no blood tie nor nor will they have many people who know them. Unless they are on intimate terms with your DPs extended family.
Your decision to refuse their aunts wishes is all to do with your anger at him. As you said, if you were amicable this wouldn't be a problem, therefore it's your relationship with him preventing your children from attending. That's just wrong.
You know it's 'the right wedding' for them. Let them go.
You will have a great time at your DPs relatives wedding, will be able to enjoy it without having to amuse three children all the time.

A long history of domestic violence and when the OP didn't agree to what he wanted, she is called a cow, bitch and cunt...

Not a hope in hell my kids would spend a minute extra in his presence than was ordered by the court, aunt's wedding or not.

Ex-SIL's wedding has supposedly been planned for 15 months but at no point during that time has she or your ex mentioned it to you, until a few days ago?

Nor have they mentioned to the girls that they are going to be flowergirls?

It's utter bullshit that ex-SIL wants them so much as flowergirls - realistically the girls would have known about it months ago for dresses, checking dates, buying shoes and general pre-wedding wind up.

Take them to the wedding you were always going to go to, especially as there is no clear childcare plan for them except a load of pissed up relatives at ex-SILs. That is not a fun flowergirl experience.

@AnnaMagnani

"No clear childcare plan". FGS it's a wedding, not a hike up Everest. Millions of children attend weddings every year with relatives who will have a drink.

You know it's 'the right wedding' for them. Let them go.
You will have a great time at your DPs relatives wedding, will be able to enjoy it without having to amuse three children all the time.

And who's going to mind them? Their father who physically abused their mother, and still has no problem verbally abusing her. He has form for getting drunk and not showing up to care for his kids.

It doesn't really matter what the children 'want' in this. They are hopefully oblivious to much of their father's failings, but that doesn't mean another parent shouldn't do all they can to mind their children. As I said, this isn't about what the kids 'want to happen', it's about what they 'need' to happen to ensure they are minded.

As will them realising their DF constantly let them down by not picking them up at allotted times etc because of inconsequential things that a judge has previously seen fit to reprimand him about @CalF123. With adequate notice then of course things can and should be worked out with the children's best interests in mind, however there hasn't been the advance notice here plus (& of course we only have the one side), the OP has outlined how inconsistent her exH has been in relation to their DC, so he can't pick and choose and expect the OP to say yes every time. He needs to step up and meet his responsibilities as per previously outlined to him by the court.

Of course it matters what the children want. Their feelings and involvement in family events is important too.

YABU. And for those saying that people will be blotto, therefore there are "safeguarding issues" - come on! I have great memories of weddings when I was a child where everyone was "blotto". What exactly do you think is the danger? That the kids will have a good time?! This seems like faux concern.

@CalF123 The OP is playing right into his hands by doing this, and is going to have great difficulty in future if he chooses to go for further contact or even residence, as this will be used as a clear example of the OP's unreasonable and not in the best interests of the children behaviour

The courts will not be making any changes to the order based on this. If the dad did use this as an example of unreasonable behaviour of the OP, then she would only need present the evidence that they were already booked at another event, all paid for, on her access weekend, when the invite to their aunt's wedding was first raised. His then abusive language to her via txt could also be presented to the court.

I don't think the OP has any worries there over the dad getting increased access and as for the suggestion of residence - that is laughable.

It’s their aunts wedding. Of course that’s where they should be. Your DP’s brother is hardly the same.

A PP has me thinking

Your 10 yr old doesn't know she's a Flower Girl??

At this stage?

That leads me to suspect that "I'll say they are flower girls" is a manipulation to force your hand and his sister is colluding.

Cue them coming back and you saying "how did you enjoy flower girling?"

And your girls :

"No Mummy don't be silly, Aunties DD was flower girl"

And him looking extremely smug

If they ARE Flower Girls ask to see the dresses. There's a difference in Child at a Wedding Dress and Flower Girl dress

That's if you want to be charitable to XSIL if not travel to DBILs wedding the night before and stay in a Travelodge and be well away

It's your contact day not his

I've been in a very similar situation. I understand exactly the dilemma you're in.

As much as I understand why you want to say no i don't particularly think that it's the right thing.

Why not try for a compromise? The children can go but should be picked up from yours on the morning of the wedding and you will collect them the next day.

In that way you can feel a little more in control of the situation.

I hope if you pull this stunt ever to have them on his days for any of your family events because while hes a twat you might want them to attend something on his day.

Your day, you have arrangements, girls have accepted an invitation, their travel and a hotel room is booked. Ex and his sister have terrifyingly poor organisational skills at best, and three imaginary dresses, a tendency to drink and drive and no childcare plans for your DDs at worst. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Have a lovely time at your DP's do, and I'm sure your girls will too.

They have had 15 months to sort all this with you. If it was so very important to everyone that they were flower girls they would have made damned sure before 6? weeks before hand that it was all sorted.

I also think the girls would have known for ages they were wearing special dresses and walking up the aisle.

You have another commitment and it is on your weekend.

Your ex is a waste of space who lets them down when he feels like it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to stick with your plans.

@ShawshanksRedemption

The court won't be interested in the whys and wherefores of exactly when the OP was given notice. As far as they're concerned, an aunt is a close relative and they're being prevented from attending her wedding so they can go to one of someone with no relation to them.

That doesn't look good, and the court will certainly consider it as an example of unreasonable behaviour on the part of the OP. That will make her look like she's putting her interests before those of the DC. That will have an impact when it comes to court decisions.

Would I fuck let them go.

A massive piss up and he's been known to drive when he's likely to be over the limit!

Putting your DC first would be keeping them with you,I presume they're going to the family wedding your going to with your DH?So they wouldn't miss out,they'd get to see the lovely ceremony,have some nice food and cake and get to dance in the evening so it's not like they'd be missing out.

Sending them to a wedding where they're only parent there is going to be more concerned with getting pissed is a recipe for disaster.

I hope if you pull this stunt ever to have them on his days for any of your family events because while hes a twat you might want them to attend something on his day.

Presumably op comes from a family who is respectful and thoughtful enough to ensure they plan special family events well in advance and for a day when everyone can attend.

Thankyou for all your responses- I truly mean this, as its an issue I can see both sides of.

I know legally I am good to do what I plan to. That is to honour my commitment to my BIL's wedding which has been planned for a year now. My DP has been in their lives for three years now, and we are now a blended family. His children come to stay with us and we have an absolute ball. I havent seen his sister for over a year.

I cant put my girls in a situation where I essentially ask them which parent to pick. i dont feel that that is fair on them. They love their mother and they love their father... theyre not daft either so at their ages I think theyd probably tell each parent which answer they want to hear. I dont think their father would be so considerate.

@Calf123 I am very aware of this. The thing is that I have always been the reasonable parent who has accommodated Ex's work and personal life. I see exactly what youre saying about the children, so I suppose Im asking where you draw the line between 'accommodating' and 'pushover'. I also have a personal life, that involves me attending college 9-5 but have never had a shred of consideration.

Ex is not entitled to take them on a Thursday night (school night) and has no access that weekend. It was simply put to me in a message that this is what he wanted, no plan for the weekend, no nothing. Just that.

I cannot stress enough that if this had been put to me months in advance (and as friend told me the wedding was booked over 18 months ago ) the situation would have been different.

We have a DV history. The first time it happened (my eldest's christening) his mother called over the next day and spent the whole day telling me how I should have behaved differently and that I was so selfish and how dare I think of going to the police. Since then I have always been seen as a pushover. Ill fold at the last minute given enough persuasion.

Thats why Im asking this question: on one hand I am absolutely standing up for myself, on the other I feel mean for spoiling someone else's day and potentially depriving my girls.

There are certain things I am adamant about though: there is no childcare and I am not leaving my daughters in a room with a couple of hundred of pissed adults. Asking ex not to drink at his sisters wedding is like... I cant think of a comparison. Ive been to his family weddings: super fun for grown ups until about 5am but not child friendly.

@CalF123

You're talking utter bollocks.