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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowing my daughters to attend a wedding

359 replies

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 01/05/2018 20:49

This might be long but I will try to keep it as short as I can.

My ex's sister is getting married in June. I am also supposed to attend a wedding where my DP is the best man on the same day.

This day is one that falls on a day of my access.

Ex and I have a long history with going to court for access. Ex is egocentric and rather than thinking about what is best for the children's stability always puts his own wants and needs before theirs in terms of access (got drunk/hungover a lot and didnt turn up- cue me getting a court order, changes shifts to suit his lifestyle and expects me to change both the children's life and mine to suit his).

His last shift change was a year ago and the court order no longer suited him and he turns up to avail of access as and when he wants. If theres a racing festival on, or a friend's birthday or the opening of an envelope, he will say he cant collect the kids at the allotted time.

I have acted over the past three years under legal advice because he is such a tool, that if he is not there to collect the children (notwithstanding traffic delays, legitimate reasons) that I do not have to allow him to take them.

He has been told by a judge to stop complaining and that he works around the children: the children dont work around him. He has ignored this.

I am truly sick of being treated like a doormat. Last week, he let me know with 1.5hrs before he was supposed to collect the children from school that he wouldnt be there and I must go. He has a conviction from ignoring a court order to stop harassing me.

I stick to my court order as if I give him an inch he takes a mile. Then some more.

He and his sister arranged our daughters to be flower girls at her wedding. She has bought them dresses. No one ever asked me or even bothered to tell me the date. As I knew this was my day with the kids, I went ahead and made my own plans to go to my BIL's wedding.

I only found out the date of his sister's wedding because I know someone in the hotel it's happening in. The assumption has been all along that I would just give in and say yes.

Ive had everything from him from 'youre a cow/bitch/cunt/insert other word here' to 'thats her godmother/what do you think the girls would choose' to his sister saying that she thinks my approach to his access is 'inhumane' and accusing me of not turning up to court to remedy access (there was no court date, apparently he went to get application papers that I do not need to be there for and had no knowledge of).

She has said how devasatated she is, and why would I prioritise this wedding over hers: a) I didnt know when it was; b) no one told me of these plans.

I have sent Ex future access proposals, have always been reasonable (I may not like the bugger, but the kids love him and I have always facillitated as much of equal weekend access as I can because of this.) but he hasnt moved his backside to change the access order he claims is soooooo unfair to him. Hes had fifteen months to do this, and all I get is a weekly threat to 'take me back to court'.

He can do it! I even told him which form to get, how to fill it out and explained it to him.

I am just sick to my back teeth of being treated like a doormat. He slots the children in around his life, I get treated like a babysitter and my life and anything I want to do is ignored. Im still having this wanker control my life nearly six years after splitting up, because he knows that anytime he chooses not to step up, I will rush in and save the day because I wont let the children down.

There's a long DV history to this, so I am trying not to be resentful or a bitch because of that. I want what is best for the kids, which is exactly why I got a court order in the first place: stability and continuity.

I am just wondering whether IABU.

I can see both sides, I dont want to hurt his sister, but I want to stand up for myself as well.

(That was not short. Apologies.)

OP posts:
PerfectPenquins · 01/05/2018 21:22

No im sorry the ex does not care one bit about his kids he seems to pick them up and drop them when he fancies playing dad. After all the abuse from both him and his sister id not change the plans. I take it your partner has been in your lives a while? Are you a blended family? If yes then stick to your plans your ex needs to grow the hell up and id send one last message to his sister saying clearly how he only just told you about it and you've already made plans that are important to you on this occasion she needs to address it with her brother and ask him why he felt her wedding of such little importance. Also, how have they got the girls dresses without them trying them on or are they hoping for the best on the day? (or lying)

CocoaGin · 01/05/2018 21:22

If he'd told you well ahead then I'd say let them go. But he hasn't.

So it's your day to do as you choose.

And just for the record, your DDs love him unconditionally at the moment because they don't know any different. Trust me as they get older, and he behaves like this, that will change. Have courage.

SmashedMug · 01/05/2018 21:22

You know your ex better than the rest of us. Your girls safety is more important than them wearing pretty dresses for a day. If he's drinking and possibly driving before it's safe to, they need to stay with you. Trust your gut.

ellsbells2 · 01/05/2018 21:23

I would be concerned about the drinking and there not being a sober enough adult to look after them from what you have said.

Do the times clash? I know it would be a long journey but could you take them to the Aunt's ceremony and then drive them with you to the other wedding?

Nicknacky · 01/05/2018 21:23

If the girls are old enough, can you speak to them to see what they would like to do and put your own feelings aside and be guided by them?

diddl · 01/05/2018 21:24

At the end of the day if he didn't give you enough notice & you have plans that can't be altered/dropped then that's that really.

How upset will the girls be when told how they could have been flower girls but you wouldn't let them?

Weezol · 01/05/2018 21:25

It would be a no from me. He still hasn't understood that ne doesn't get to treat you like he used to. He's still abusive. He is a dick about contact anyway, he keeps moving the goalposts. This is just another attempt to get into your head.

If you had been asked with reasonable notice, it would be different - because of his actions, you need to stick to the letter of the court agreement.

If you refuse, be prepared for someone to try and contact your children telling them they will be flower girls. It's an attempt to manipulate them into using pester power to get you to comply.

NotTakenUsername · 01/05/2018 21:26

the children dont know they are supposed to be flower girls.

Do they know about either wedding?

Cindie943811A · 01/05/2018 21:27

Converse, OP has already said that GM will be blotto on Bacardi and there is nobody that can be trusted.
I think it’s a safeguarding issue OP and you should not let the DC attend unless there is someone who could return them to you immediately after the ceremony.

Gemini69 · 01/05/2018 21:27

the girls are obviously a very late after thought if you're only finding out now OP...

inlectorecumbit · 01/05/2018 21:27

At first l thought YABU however on reflection neither your ex or his DSis told you any of the plans or even any of the dates until last week. Both of them have your contact details.
It is your weekend, you have made plans, it sounds like there would be minimal supervision of the DD's and it is too far for you to rush in to rescue them if needed.
So ignore the emotion blackmail and carry on with your original plans. Give in on this occasion will give them the green light to do something similar in the future

Figgygal · 01/05/2018 21:28

Who would be looking after the girls while the family get pissed up at their Aunts wedding?

TheBlueDot · 01/05/2018 21:29

I know he’s been awful but I would let the girls go to their aunts wedding. It’s a one-off occasion and yes he should have sorted it out with you, but the girls will lose out.

I have every sympathy with how frustrated and cross you must be feeling. Rant and rave to a friend and look on gene bright side - you’re no longer married to him and the girls will be old enough soon to sort out access themselves.

Your girls will know you put them first when they’re old enough to see him for what he is.

CalF123 · 01/05/2018 21:29

I think it would be incredibly mean-spirited and nasty of you not to let your daughters attend their aunt's wedding, and certainly something they would hold against you in future IMO.

Also bear in mind that courts can and will look at this kind of inflexible and unreasonable behaviour when deciding future contact and even residence arrangements. Their guiding principle is the best interests of the child, and your obstinate actions here are clearly aimed at getting one over on your ex, rather than with any concern whatsoever for the children.

TheBlueDot · 01/05/2018 21:30

Oh hang on, just read they will not have anyone responsible to look after them at the wedding. That changes things. Is there any family member you can ask to keepan eye on them?

BewareOfDragons · 01/05/2018 21:30

I would say no and stand firm with your own plans.

It's your day. They want them for props. That's what has been argued on many other threads when only 'some' children are invited to weddings ... and it's never seen as a good excuse. And you know they won't be supervised properly based on your experience with them and knowledge of what's been planned.

They didn't ask. It's not their weekend. They're not going. End of.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/05/2018 21:31

I suppose you can assume that at some point soon Ex will be telling them that they were to be flower girls but that Mum won't let them come. Are you prepared for that?

I suppose I'd bite the bullet and say they can go but I'd also tell him that transport and childcare is 100% his responsibility. And that you will also be attending a wedding so will be unavailable for pick up and/or drop off or for 'early return' that day.

BFF used to have that shit. She had a calendar marked with the access days and made annotations on it "cancelled at XX o'clock", "no show", brought back early", etc. It was used in court to bolster her side when he took her to court alleging she was 'blocking' contact. She wasn't, but like you was tired of being jerked around and her son being disappointed by his dad not showing up so she told her Ex no more swaps, no more 'adjusting' the schedule. He either showed when he was supposed to or he forfeited until the next scheduled date.

ShawshanksRedemption · 01/05/2018 21:31

If the girls are old enough, can you speak to them to see what they would like to do and put your own feelings aside and be guided by them?

My worry with this would be the girls feeling they had to choose and upsetting someone (dad/mum/aunt/xyz). That's not really fair on them.

TorviBrightspear · 01/05/2018 21:31

Sorry, I'd take the girls to BIL's wedding.

He could have, and should have, orgamised this a long time ago, but what really bothers me is that there is likely going to be little supervision for the girls. Unless the Ex doesn't drink, it doesn't seem as if anyone will really be looking out for them, especially given the description of MIL being blotto on the bacardi.

Batmanwearspants · 01/05/2018 21:31

kids come first, let them do what would make them happiest. This isn't the way to prove a point to him.

Contact is about the kids not about the parents.

MoonlightandMusic · 01/05/2018 21:32

YANBU - if you think about it, you'd already accepted your BIL's invitation before your ex-SIL's one 'arrived'.
On that basis alone you could sit the girls down, let them know about SIL's invitation but say that it's not possible to go as it would be very rude to DP's brother having previously said you'd be attending his. Yes, they might be a little sad but hardly scarred for life.

Good luck whatever you choose.

Incarnationsofunderstanding · 01/05/2018 21:32

Why would the girls going to their aunts wedding affect your DPs being a best man and the suit hire and hotel??

Surely if the girls go to their aunts it just means you and DP get a nice relaxing wedding at you DPs brothers?

Your ex sounds like an utter arse and I get the "not messing me about it" but if you believe the kids will be safe and looked after I'd bend this once for the aunts wedding.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/05/2018 21:32

You have to keep the girls with you, for their safety and your peace of mind. As they are unaware, this shouldn't be too much of a problem.
If your Ex had informed you in good time, you would have had to rethink it, but he didn't !
Go ahead with your previous plans, on your access day. 🌸

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 01/05/2018 21:32

She is their aunt and they will be flower girls. Your boyfriends family wedding shouldn't trump that. She will always be their aunt, your boyfriend could be gone next week, month etc.

Don't use the chidren to point score.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/05/2018 21:33

How well do the children know the aunt?

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