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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowing my daughters to attend a wedding

359 replies

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 01/05/2018 20:49

This might be long but I will try to keep it as short as I can.

My ex's sister is getting married in June. I am also supposed to attend a wedding where my DP is the best man on the same day.

This day is one that falls on a day of my access.

Ex and I have a long history with going to court for access. Ex is egocentric and rather than thinking about what is best for the children's stability always puts his own wants and needs before theirs in terms of access (got drunk/hungover a lot and didnt turn up- cue me getting a court order, changes shifts to suit his lifestyle and expects me to change both the children's life and mine to suit his).

His last shift change was a year ago and the court order no longer suited him and he turns up to avail of access as and when he wants. If theres a racing festival on, or a friend's birthday or the opening of an envelope, he will say he cant collect the kids at the allotted time.

I have acted over the past three years under legal advice because he is such a tool, that if he is not there to collect the children (notwithstanding traffic delays, legitimate reasons) that I do not have to allow him to take them.

He has been told by a judge to stop complaining and that he works around the children: the children dont work around him. He has ignored this.

I am truly sick of being treated like a doormat. Last week, he let me know with 1.5hrs before he was supposed to collect the children from school that he wouldnt be there and I must go. He has a conviction from ignoring a court order to stop harassing me.

I stick to my court order as if I give him an inch he takes a mile. Then some more.

He and his sister arranged our daughters to be flower girls at her wedding. She has bought them dresses. No one ever asked me or even bothered to tell me the date. As I knew this was my day with the kids, I went ahead and made my own plans to go to my BIL's wedding.

I only found out the date of his sister's wedding because I know someone in the hotel it's happening in. The assumption has been all along that I would just give in and say yes.

Ive had everything from him from 'youre a cow/bitch/cunt/insert other word here' to 'thats her godmother/what do you think the girls would choose' to his sister saying that she thinks my approach to his access is 'inhumane' and accusing me of not turning up to court to remedy access (there was no court date, apparently he went to get application papers that I do not need to be there for and had no knowledge of).

She has said how devasatated she is, and why would I prioritise this wedding over hers: a) I didnt know when it was; b) no one told me of these plans.

I have sent Ex future access proposals, have always been reasonable (I may not like the bugger, but the kids love him and I have always facillitated as much of equal weekend access as I can because of this.) but he hasnt moved his backside to change the access order he claims is soooooo unfair to him. Hes had fifteen months to do this, and all I get is a weekly threat to 'take me back to court'.

He can do it! I even told him which form to get, how to fill it out and explained it to him.

I am just sick to my back teeth of being treated like a doormat. He slots the children in around his life, I get treated like a babysitter and my life and anything I want to do is ignored. Im still having this wanker control my life nearly six years after splitting up, because he knows that anytime he chooses not to step up, I will rush in and save the day because I wont let the children down.

There's a long DV history to this, so I am trying not to be resentful or a bitch because of that. I want what is best for the kids, which is exactly why I got a court order in the first place: stability and continuity.

I am just wondering whether IABU.

I can see both sides, I dont want to hurt his sister, but I want to stand up for myself as well.

(That was not short. Apologies.)

OP posts:
minderful · 03/05/2018 03:35

"youve screwed me around too much vs the children would enjoy this."

Is it that difficult? Punish him or punish the girls.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/05/2018 03:39

I totally agree with Italian about speaking to your children in an age appropriate manner. My mother is pretty awful to me and dd has been verbally attacked by my sil and seen my brother being nasty and violent to me. I want her to notice when grandma disrespects me in front of her because I want her to know that it isn’t ok to treat people like this. I’m nc with my brother and sil to protect us.

Dd needs to know the best way to protect ourselves from such people is to have boundaries and not to be in their presence. My dd as a result seems to be creating some pretty good boundaries. She’s almost 10. We talk a lot about behaviour. Including about when I get cross with her and sometimes shout. We probably started talking like this at about age 6/7, which is the age when my brother and sil started to treat her badly.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/05/2018 03:53

@CalF123
You clearly didn’t read the opening post properly otherwise you would have seen that Bananas is a victim of domestic violence and verbal abuse. I don’t understand how you didn’t get that she continues to be verbally abused by her manipulative ex and his family. I cannot believe you wrote that post that and didn’t think to apologise to op for your previous posts, which were manipulative to say the least. Op is a formidable woman to still be standing. Let alone to have the tenacity to also be able to stand up to posts like yours.

TheSassyAssassin · 03/05/2018 04:04

@Mummyoflittledragon Star

Lizzie48 · 03/05/2018 08:17

Yes, it was always clear that the OP had suffered DV at the hands of her ex. Calf appeared to be reading a different thread to everyone else. Well done for standing up to him, @BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil.

Italiangreyhound · 03/05/2018 08:21

I think many of is started reading the thread thinking 'Ian't there a way to compromise?'

But once you read that the man you want to encourage the OP to compromise with has tried to kill her, then you think no way would I encourage any child to spend more time with this man than is absolutely necessary!

OP it may sound off but I am praying that flash drive will just resurface.

Italiangreyhound · 03/05/2018 08:22

odd

sashh · 03/05/2018 08:40

How old are thee girls? What do they want to do?

MissP103 · 03/05/2018 08:50

Op i wouldn't change my plans and give this more headspace. Being a flower girl is what exactly? A pretty dress and a minute walk up the aisle. Its so overrated and the downside of this is all the stress and worrying about them while they are there.

Seriously you have a DV history with them and his family do sound toxic, dont treat this as a situation where you have to sit down and consider their feelings because they are so worthy of it. Just go ahead with your plans, dong feel guilty and as long as you know the girls are safe and secure with you.

MachineBee · 03/05/2018 09:20

You’re doing great OP.

My ExH started to bully my youngest DD when I grew a backbone. That was the final straw for me.

You have a duty to protect your DDs and this overrides everyone else’s wishes. I totally agree with PPs about telling DDs what happened. Secrets are the tools abusers use.

BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 03/05/2018 11:00

"youve screwed me around too much vs the children would enjoy this."

Is it that difficult? Punish him or punish the girls.

It's clearly not that simple though is it. Op presumably wouldn't let her DCs eat nothing but cake and ice cream day in day out (although I'm sure they'd love that) and I don't see that being framed as a punishment. Because it isn't in their best interests. Her job isn't to agree to anything they might like, it's to keep then safe, secure, and happy. The novelty of being a flower girl will wear off. The knowledge that their mum has done for everything she could to give them a safe and happy childhood despite their father being such a vile human being will bring them significantly more happiness in the long run.

CalF123 · 03/05/2018 15:22

@Mummyoflittledragon

I think that's unfair. In my line of work, I see many hundreds of women and men who are more interested in petty point-scoring than the interests of the children- my replies reflected that. We also don't live in a world where DV automatically entitles cutting off of all contact.

Obviously, I do apologise in hindsight if the tone of my replies seemed harsh. But they were based on years of professional experience and also the information given by the OP at the time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/05/2018 15:43

I do think they were tainted by that then because op was very clear in my view. I’m reading a women at the end of her tether and what I said wasn’t unfair. We all mess up. Standard non apology though.

Lizzie48 · 03/05/2018 16:03

I quite agree, @Mummyoflittledragon it was very clear to me from the OP's first post that the ex had been violent to her. And also that he's been using the DDs as pawns in his campaign against his ex. The OP has bent over backwards to accommodate him and has finally stood up to him, and obviously he doesn't like it.

bastardkitty · 03/05/2018 20:54

I apologise if....standard knobhead fauxpology!

CandyMelts · 03/05/2018 21:16

I think you're amazing OP, stay strong

Italiangreyhound · 04/05/2018 03:34

How are you feeling OP?

Original poster
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 25/05/2018 00:13

I'm shamelessly bumping my own thread as I had so much good advice and support when I originally posted it.

I've had a lot of nonsense from The Idiot, and have now had his sister texting me tonight telling me that she will be returning the dresses/shoes/accessories for the girls tomorrow and that if I change my mind before next, and allow them to attend her wedding there will be no outfits for them. That she will give them the gifts from her wedding at a later date and explain to them why they couldnt come.

I replied that I had already told the children why they wouldnt be attending so there was no need for any further explanation.

AIBU to be pissed off at what I perceive to be really CF-ery?

I'd said no.

If she thought that there was a possibility I would change my mind, why return the dresses now? According to the Idiot they have been there for ages, so why now, if not an emotional blackmail attempt?

Am I supposed to be shamed into letting them go because on the (never happening) offchance they might not match the bride?!

...And who the FUCK does she think she is saying I'll 'explain why they couldnt come'!!!

AIBU or is this just.... taking the piss?

OP posts:
Original poster
BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 25/05/2018 00:15

*before the next day

OP posts:
Weezol · 25/05/2018 00:25

Taking the piss in a taking a piss sample from a very big horse kind of way. You're trying to be reasonable with unreasonable people - it can't be done.

It's definitley time to put CraftyYankee's Idiot Line into operation. You need to pull up the drawbridge as an act of self care.

I hope you all enjoy your friends' wedding. Have a lovely time Flowers.

StringandGlitter · 25/05/2018 06:43

My guess is that the dresses weren’t bought “ages” ago, and that the 30 day returns limit is due soon. Which means the dresses were bought around the time you started this thread (as you suspected all along).

It’s just a passive aggressive attempt at emotional manipulation. Don’t get sucked into their mind- fuckery. Do t attempt to catch them out. Just carry on as you are “girls have already been told” was perfect.

emmyrose2000 · 25/05/2018 07:02

My guess is that the dresses weren’t bought “ages” ago, and that the 30 day returns limit is due soon. Which means the dresses were bought around the time you started this thread (as you suspected all along)
Yep, my thoughts too.

That she will give them the gifts from her wedding at a later date and explain to them why they couldn't come
Who the hell does she think she is?! I'd be telling SIL that if she tries to play (mind) games with my children that I'd have no hesitation in telling them the truth, which will definitely paint SIL in a bad light.

BlueBug45 · 25/05/2018 07:13

OP your ex-SIL has no access rights to your kids so unless your ex dumps them on her it will be a while before she can tell them anything. By that time your kids won't know what the hell she is talking about.

qazxc · 25/05/2018 07:18

Well the stuff for the girls is either going back because the 30 day return period is up or was never bought in the first place ( just a handy story in cases she was asked to produce such items).
Do they think that such passive aggressive nonsense is going to magically change your mind?

Locasta · 25/05/2018 07:19

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