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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not allowing my daughters to attend a wedding

359 replies

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 01/05/2018 20:49

This might be long but I will try to keep it as short as I can.

My ex's sister is getting married in June. I am also supposed to attend a wedding where my DP is the best man on the same day.

This day is one that falls on a day of my access.

Ex and I have a long history with going to court for access. Ex is egocentric and rather than thinking about what is best for the children's stability always puts his own wants and needs before theirs in terms of access (got drunk/hungover a lot and didnt turn up- cue me getting a court order, changes shifts to suit his lifestyle and expects me to change both the children's life and mine to suit his).

His last shift change was a year ago and the court order no longer suited him and he turns up to avail of access as and when he wants. If theres a racing festival on, or a friend's birthday or the opening of an envelope, he will say he cant collect the kids at the allotted time.

I have acted over the past three years under legal advice because he is such a tool, that if he is not there to collect the children (notwithstanding traffic delays, legitimate reasons) that I do not have to allow him to take them.

He has been told by a judge to stop complaining and that he works around the children: the children dont work around him. He has ignored this.

I am truly sick of being treated like a doormat. Last week, he let me know with 1.5hrs before he was supposed to collect the children from school that he wouldnt be there and I must go. He has a conviction from ignoring a court order to stop harassing me.

I stick to my court order as if I give him an inch he takes a mile. Then some more.

He and his sister arranged our daughters to be flower girls at her wedding. She has bought them dresses. No one ever asked me or even bothered to tell me the date. As I knew this was my day with the kids, I went ahead and made my own plans to go to my BIL's wedding.

I only found out the date of his sister's wedding because I know someone in the hotel it's happening in. The assumption has been all along that I would just give in and say yes.

Ive had everything from him from 'youre a cow/bitch/cunt/insert other word here' to 'thats her godmother/what do you think the girls would choose' to his sister saying that she thinks my approach to his access is 'inhumane' and accusing me of not turning up to court to remedy access (there was no court date, apparently he went to get application papers that I do not need to be there for and had no knowledge of).

She has said how devasatated she is, and why would I prioritise this wedding over hers: a) I didnt know when it was; b) no one told me of these plans.

I have sent Ex future access proposals, have always been reasonable (I may not like the bugger, but the kids love him and I have always facillitated as much of equal weekend access as I can because of this.) but he hasnt moved his backside to change the access order he claims is soooooo unfair to him. Hes had fifteen months to do this, and all I get is a weekly threat to 'take me back to court'.

He can do it! I even told him which form to get, how to fill it out and explained it to him.

I am just sick to my back teeth of being treated like a doormat. He slots the children in around his life, I get treated like a babysitter and my life and anything I want to do is ignored. Im still having this wanker control my life nearly six years after splitting up, because he knows that anytime he chooses not to step up, I will rush in and save the day because I wont let the children down.

There's a long DV history to this, so I am trying not to be resentful or a bitch because of that. I want what is best for the kids, which is exactly why I got a court order in the first place: stability and continuity.

I am just wondering whether IABU.

I can see both sides, I dont want to hurt his sister, but I want to stand up for myself as well.

(That was not short. Apologies.)

OP posts:
PotTheRed · 01/05/2018 21:33

I think you should let the girls go to the wedding. If they were very little it might be different but they are at ages where they won’t need careful supervision and where they will really appreciate and enjoy the wedding.

Bluelady · 01/05/2018 21:34

Thing is you know what the girls would choose if you asked them, otherwise you wouldn't be even questioning it. Maybe put their wishes ahead of yours and your ex's, they're the ones who really count here.

TroubledLichen · 01/05/2018 21:34

Presumably the girls have RSVPed to your boyfriend’s brother’s wedding. So you honour that commitment. The rest of it is irrelevant. If your DD’s aunt wanted them at her wedding so badly, and your ex knew it fell on your weekend, he’s had ample opportunity to act like a grown up and ask you to swap. The fact is he didn’t bother until the last minute and the girls aren’t free. That should be the end of it.

CheeseandGherkins · 01/05/2018 21:34

I would take them to your Bil's wedding as you had planned. Don't let the emotional blackmail get to you. Sounds like he only wants them when it suits him, and this is another of those times. So he gets to look like a "great dad"...I imagine he's only worried about how he looks when his daughters' aren't there.

CalF123 · 01/05/2018 21:35

@BewareofDragons

"they want them for props." Complete nonsense, they'll want them there as they're close family members who people want to have at their wedding.

maddening · 01/05/2018 21:35

I would say that both weddings are equally important in terms of who the wedding is for,. It is your access day so stick to your guns. His family sound as bad as him!

MissStegosaurus · 01/05/2018 21:36

I would stick to the court order.

Nicknacky · 01/05/2018 21:36

shawshank While I see your point: we don’t know what age they are and if it is phrased appropriately then they wouldn’t be made to feel like they are choosing.

“Kids, there is a clash as it’s auntie’s wedding and also john’s. You have the option of going to aunties as flower girls or John’s with me, what would you like to do most?. Such a shame it’s the same day but you can’t be in two places at one time!”

NotTakenUsername · 01/05/2018 21:36

"they want them for props." Complete nonsense, they'll want them there as they're close family members who people want to have at their wedding.

Both suggestions are nothing more than projection or speculation.

Returnofthesmileybar · 01/05/2018 21:37

Are the children invited to the other wedding? Can you imagine then having as good a time at both weddings? If so then take them to the wedding you are going to. What your ex is doing is totally unfair and you have to make a stand, once they are going to one wedding then it's a case of you go to the one you accepted the invite to first, isn't what everyone always says on mn?

LittleOwl153 · 01/05/2018 21:38

Clearly at 2.5hrs apart this is an either or event.

Do you / your dds live with your dp? Im wondering how much a part of their lives he is? I'm thinking this wedding is important you/dp as a family to meet dp's extended family?

I'd go for what is most realistic and practical. If he's picking them up on Thursday what about school on Friday? I don't think you should change your plans. It sounds like the drinking would seal it for me anyway.

Clearly there is background here and you need to be strong with your plans. I would also attempt to clear up the ongoing access issue - maybe refusing the wedding will spur him into action with regard to court? I would stick rigidly to the court order. Is there an afetrschool club or something that could pick up the last minute change and bill him? Don't keep dropping everything without it having some comeback on him.

DougFargo · 01/05/2018 21:39

if his sister was so bothered about having them she could have contacted you at any time and asked you to let them go. She did not. Nobody did. How upset could they be?

Flutist · 01/05/2018 21:40

It sounds very unsafe if you think their father will be drunk and there's nobody else to look after them as everyone will be drunk. On that basis I'd refuse to let them attend even if you didn't have alternative arrangements. The fact that it falls on your access day and they didn't tell you until the last minute is just rude, and if you indulge this behaviour it will keep happening.

MsPavlichenko · 01/05/2018 21:41

I agree with you. If his sister had got in touch sooner and directly it would be a different story. She has now only got in touch on his behalf. Given his history why on earth did she assume that this would be automatically ok. Ignore the dress stuff. May not even be true.

I would have real issues about their care given what you have said. Or that he wouldn't demand you come and get them if they are getting in the way of his boozing. You have plans. You have booked a hotel. It is in your time. Most of all you have court arrangements. Stick to them, and don't you ignore any nc arrangements regardless of what he does. Otherwise it may be impossible to implement in the future if things kick off again.

CalF123 · 01/05/2018 21:41

I think the responses here would be completely different if you had an ex-DH refusing to let them go to their aunt's wedding so they could go to his new BIL's.

Weezol · 01/05/2018 21:42

Inlectorecumbit
Give in on this occasion will give them the green light to do something similar in the future.

This. With bells on.

Maelstrop · 01/05/2018 21:42

If your ex can’t be relied upon to properly look after the girls, then no. If there is no-one else reliable with whom to leave them, then no.

Stop being a doormat and stop letting him give you the runaround. He’s still controlling you because you let him. If he lets you down re contact, then just smile serenely or ignore texts etc. You already know he’s crap at contact, so you’ll probably have to pick up the pieces anyway.

BewareOfDragons · 01/05/2018 21:43

I'm neutral on 'the props' argument, but it is frequently argued here on MN.

But if they don't have plans to look after and safeguard the girls after their flower girl job and group photos are complete, then they don't really want them there, do they? OP is right to be concerned and not cater to an event she was asked about, invited to, or reassured about how her DDs would be looked after at a giant piss up. ... all on her own day when she has made other important plans for herself and her girls.

CalF123 · 01/05/2018 21:47

Courts can and will look at this kind of inflexible and unreasonable behaviour that you're demonstrating when deciding future contact and even residence arrangements. Their guiding principle is the best interests of the child, and your obstinate actions here are clearly aimed at getting one over on your ex, rather than with any concern whatsoever for the children.

ShawshanksRedemption · 01/05/2018 21:48

@nickynacky

OP says: My girls are 10, 9 and 7.

I believe they may well be of an age to pick up on the tension between mum and dad! Not fair on them to ask them to choose.

AnneElliott · 01/05/2018 21:49

I'd be concerned who is looking after them. I went to a family wedding with DS, the bar had a door open to the car park which meant any kids could just walk out into the night.

I spent the evening entertaining my niece and DS. Took my brother 2 hours to wonder where his 6 year old daughter was Hmm. She could have been in the car park or a couple of miles down the road by then. You want to ensure someone is actually responsible for them.

DougFargo · 01/05/2018 21:49

I think the responses here would be completely different if you had an ex-DH refusing to let them go to their aunt's wedding so they could go to his new BIL's

No they wouldn't, with the same back story. Why would they?

MissBartlettsconscience · 01/05/2018 21:49

CalF how does that work with the lack of adult supervision and potential drink driving for a wedding they don't know about?

I wouldn't let them go, op.

greenlanes · 01/05/2018 21:52

Its very simple. Under a court order it is your contact weekend, you have other family plans. You have not been asked until very recently to change your contact that weekend. Sadly you are not able to do so at short notice. Your wedding plans with dh presumably were not arranged at short notice?

If the ex sil had bothered to contact you directly when she was booking her wedding then she wouldn't be in this mess.

ShawshanksRedemption · 01/05/2018 21:52

@CalF123

Courts will also be looking at how the Dad is not providing stability still with regards to his children, by not sticking to the access agreed in court. Stability is in the children's best interests, which is why the court ordered it after his repeated failed attempts to turn up when he was supposed to.

And that's before I even touch on the fact their dad/nan may be drunk at the event with the children in their care....