Not allowing my daughters to attend a wedding

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

This might be long but I will try to keep it as short as I can.

My ex's sister is getting married in June. I am also supposed to attend a wedding where my DP is the best man on the same day.

This day is one that falls on a day of my access.

Ex and I have a long history with going to court for access. Ex is egocentric and rather than thinking about what is best for the children's stability always puts his own wants and needs before theirs in terms of access (got drunk/hungover a lot and didnt turn up- cue me getting a court order, changes shifts to suit his lifestyle and expects me to change both the children's life and mine to suit his).

His last shift change was a year ago and the court order no longer suited him and he turns up to avail of access as and when he wants. If theres a racing festival on, or a friend's birthday or the opening of an envelope, he will say he cant collect the kids at the allotted time.

I have acted over the past three years under legal advice because he is such a tool, that if he is not there to collect the children (notwithstanding traffic delays, legitimate reasons) that I do not have to allow him to take them.

He has been told by a judge to stop complaining and that he works around the children: the children dont work around him. He has ignored this.

I am truly sick of being treated like a doormat. Last week, he let me know with 1.5hrs before he was supposed to collect the children from school that he wouldnt be there and I must go. He has a conviction from ignoring a court order to stop harassing me.

I stick to my court order as if I give him an inch he takes a mile. Then some more.

He and his sister arranged our daughters to be flower girls at her wedding. She has bought them dresses. No one ever asked me or even bothered to tell me the date. As I knew this was my day with the kids, I went ahead and made my own plans to go to my BIL's wedding.

I only found out the date of his sister's wedding because I know someone in the hotel it's happening in. The assumption has been all along that I would just give in and say yes.

Ive had everything from him from 'youre a cow/bitch/cunt/insert other word here' to 'thats her godmother/what do you think the girls would choose' to his sister saying that she thinks my approach to his access is 'inhumane' and accusing me of not turning up to court to remedy access (there was no court date, apparently he went to get application papers that I do not need to be there for and had no knowledge of).

She has said how devasatated she is, and why would I prioritise this wedding over hers: a) I didnt know when it was; b) no one told me of these plans.

I have sent Ex future access proposals, have always been reasonable (I may not like the bugger, but the kids love him and I have always facillitated as much of equal weekend access as I can because of this.) but he hasnt moved his backside to change the access order he claims is soooooo unfair to him. Hes had fifteen months to do this, and all I get is a weekly threat to 'take me back to court'.

He can do it! I even told him which form to get, how to fill it out and explained it to him.

I am just sick to my back teeth of being treated like a doormat. He slots the children in around his life, I get treated like a babysitter and my life and anything I want to do is ignored. Im still having this wanker control my life nearly six years after splitting up, because he knows that anytime he chooses not to step up, I will rush in and save the day because I wont let the children down.

There's a long DV history to this, so I am trying not to be resentful or a bitch because of that. I want what is best for the kids, which is exactly why I got a court order in the first place: stability and continuity.

I am just wondering whether IABU.

I can see both sides, I dont want to hurt his sister, but I want to stand up for myself as well.

(That was not short. Apologies.)

ShinyShooney

"All the other stuff doesn't really matter." Like him beaing her to a pulp, like him hinking he had killed her when she was pregnant, like his family siding with him, like all the family getting drunk at the wedding so no one looking after the kids, like it being her contact time, like her having already make plans......

" You shouldn't be using the girls to punish him for being a cock." She is not using the girls she is protecting them from an abusive arse. If they was any justice he would not see those kids or dust.

" Best for them is clearly"... the family wedding! to be away from that aresehole for as much time as possible.

All the other stuff doesn’t really matter
Have you read the thread?

X post Italian!

"youve screwed me around too much vs the children would enjoy this."

Is it that difficult? Punish him or punish the girls.

The drinking and not taking responsibility is what would worry me.

I wouldnt mind swapping days if I knew they were being looked after.

Bananas Wow just Wow ! After all you've been through with this 'man' (used in the loosest term possible as he doesn't sound human) you are still standing, still in full on protect mode with your kids and also working towards a law qualification? You are awesome.

My twopennorth (for what its worth as I have no experience of the life you've described or of the type of person you are dealing with) would be to take the girls to your BIL wedding, maybe go a couple of days early so if your bastard Ex does turn up on Thursday evening to collect the girls, you wont be there.

Changing access days with plenty of notice is wing accommodating.
Changing days at the last minute, in this situation? I can see why you think they'll see you as a pushover.

What would your ex do if the tables were turned?

"...maybe go a couple of days early so if your bastard Ex does turn up on Thursday evening to collect the girls, you wont be there." Good idea.

Thankyou all for your kind responses. Its been really helpful to hear both sides of it and form my decision on this- when youre in the middle of something that has nearly twelve years of crap behind it it can be hard to see the wood from the trees. Sincerely, thankyou.

I woke up this morning to a barrage of text messages complaining about how mean I am and that I abuse him. Then stuff about maintenance. More rubbish about how all he wants to do is help and I wont let him. He has all my texts saved and he will make sure the judge reads every single one. the judge has better things to do with his time, hes not interested in reading fifteen months of texts. Didnt tell the Idiot this. Denied he ever laid a finger on me (doesnt remember that handwritten letter he wrote apologising for hitting me). Now is texting me to say he doesnt want to fall out with me (that ship has sailed, Idiot)and that we have three daughters and its sad that we arent friends.

I simply replied that he is an abusive little bully and like all bullies he doesnt like the fact he is being told 'no' for the first time.

He then said I was making up the wedding Im going to out of spite! I replied that in that case I must text SIL and ask why she is having an imaginary wedding and ask DP why he wants to be imaginary best man at the imaginary wedding. I then said I wasnt going to engage in this conversation as I am busy and wont put up with him trying to bully me.

Im going to talk to my daughters about this calmly and explain that whilst Aunty Idiot's wedding is very important so is BIL's and as this is on X day, we will be going there. I never involve them in our issues so this had never occurred to me, but I think theyre old enough to understand at this point.

I should point out that I offered exSIL to take the kids and have wedding photos taken at a later date, where she can put her dress back on etc and have the kids in their dresses. I havent lived in the UK for years but here its quite common to have your wedding photos at the church and then go to another location (one that you cant afford to have the wedding at!! ) for pictures. I thought that was a nice compromise.

To PPs who said that he wanted to prove to family he was super-dad...this is so true.

He wont be able to get a variance of access order in the time that remains between now and the wedding. Im actually calling bullshit that he went to court last Thursday and filed the relevant forms, as he told his family. Those forms would have been posted the same day, or day after and have to be registered post. I would have had them by now. All fur coat and no knickers.

You are all very right that this has taken up too much headspace. Writing it down has really helped me clear my mind. I have law exams in six days and this is the first time since all this bullshit started that I feel capable of knuckling down to the hardcore revision. Someone hand me the caffeine- I wont be sleeping until they are all done!!!

Really, thankyou. I know its just words on the internet but its made a huge difference.

Agreeing with going early. Saves a potentially nasty scene with a shite of a man.

Is there anyway you could let them be flower girls then pay for a nanny/driver person to pick them up to bring to your wedding. Talk to his sister not to him. Cut him out of the loop. They are delivered Sat morning. Retrieved an hour after the service so photos can be done.

Good luck on your exams, it's great that you feel confident and bodes well. Id be tempted to block your ex until after them and do as someone suggested with email only and a dedicated email for him.

It's good that you are telling them and calmly explaining, it means they are prepared and understand.

He beat you whilst pregnant? And his family supported him? Your dc could have ended up motherless.

Yet some posters overlook that for a pretty dress as a flower girl.

Some people really do need to give their heads a wobble.

No way in hell OP. Stand firm

@Wallywobbles

Have you actually read the thread?! Why the fuck should she go to all that effort?

I was going to say you should send them at first, but after reading the whole thing I wouldn't unless..

1. Someone at the wedding can be trusted to not be too drunk to look after them (eg. Is there a grandparent/another aunt or uncle who is trustworthy)
2. Do they want to go, and do they have cousins there who they would like to see.
3. Are they closer to their aunt than they are to their stepdads brother? Or is he also like an uncle to them?

Unless 1 and either 2 or 3 are true then I wouldn't send them.
The way he's gone about it not even letting you know is ridiculous, I would speak to his sister and let her know that he hasn't even told you that he wanted the girls for extra that day and that you've already arranged for accommodation and got outfits for them for the wedding they're going to that day because of not being told.
He may well have told his sister he asked you ages ago to try and make it look like you're being difficult so I'd make sure she knows he didn't say anything.

OP I would encourage you to quit engaging at this level. Sending texts like you're a nasty little bully, however true, is only going to fan the flames. Don't be dragged down to his level. Work towards minimal contact, yes/no non-emotive messages.

I would say, don't let your DDs go to their auntie's wedding. Keep them with you. It's clear that your ex and his family can't be trusted to keep them safe. Their condoning of his DV, and the excessive drunkenness, are massive red flags. Not to mention the likelihood that he'll drive them home over the limit. Don't let them guilt trip you.

I'm so grateful that my DSis didn't have DCs with her abusive ex. His family (and church friends) acted just like your ex's family.

Disengage OP!! Google the grey rock technique. It's the only thing that helps with people like this.
Get a separate phone for him and only switch it on a few times a week. Don't let him in your head any more than is necessary.

I've now read all the thread. Are you really confident that your lawyer is good? After 9 years and 5 court visits my exh lost his parental authority. My kids had finally had enough of him being drunk and agressive. And they chose to go to court initially aged 8&9. The judge listened to them in a closed hearing and they had their own lawyers.

After 2 years of no contact (after 4 months of a visitors center) we took the risk of going back to court. The school forced us to because he refused to sign the authorization.

He did awful things to all his family and me. He accused his step father of sexual assault on the kids aged 3&4 to cause the maximum fall out possible. That case lasted a couple of years. But it did mean we were in the social services system and that there was a report.

He threatened to kill me and I was recording him by chance. He rang when he was drunk on the house phone so I recorded on my mobile. I didn't realize he'd threatened to kill me until my lawyer heard it and told me. So I made a complaint. The gendarmes wouldn't do anything so I went to the police who too my complaint. The police were very helpful and the gendarmes were utterly useless.

Every time there was another incident I got it recorded. The girls talked to our GP who is a trained psychiatrist. Only person they'd talk to. Massive advantage is that she knew exh and is terrified of him.

What I'm really saying is:
a) do you kids know the truth? Maybe they should if not. I believe the truth protects them. It also stops him threatening to blackmail you.
b) abuse should be labeled as such every time. How can people recognize it as abuse otherwise.
c) do your kids not see his fuck ups? Do you hide them. Because you are really only doing him a favor if so.

I have 0 secrets from my kids because he told them every secret he knew. so my only defense could be to tell them the truth always. He told them I had herpes. He told them he wanted DD1 aborted. This is when they were about 3&4. After that I just explained everything in an age appropriate way. They know they can ask me anything and I'll answer even if it's uncomfortable. So there's an upside.

@bubblesandsquarks I think he probably did tell his sister. Ive communicated with her and she feels Im 'inhumane' with my approach to access. She's blindly defending her brother - which I understand to a point- and has deliberately tried not to get in the middle of the the clusterfuck that is our situation. She's a sweet girl and I have nothing against her personally. Im sad that this cant be resolved amicably which is why I suggested alternate day/pictures. Im sad that she is having to be drawn into an argument when she is building up to her dream wedding and that our argument is potentially casting a shadow on it.

They dont know they are supposed to be flower girls- they dont even know what that is!!

I really do feel this is a narcissistic effort from The Idiot to try and please/impress everyone, but has been told no. Now I'm just getting the abuse from the fall out of himself being told no for the first time!

I haven't read this whole thread. But I just don't think this is the occasion to prevent your DD's from being flower girls. It's such a big event. If the reason is because of his unreliability.

But if there is going to be potential drunk driving involved and you think your DD's aren't going to be safe at this event then don't let them go. I think get the access on a much more formal basis and stop all the communicating.

@WallyWobbles the cogniscant age of a child here is 13. Up until then it is up to me to fight everything for them.

I have been honest with the children so that they can understand and also as you mentioned, it stops 'blackmail' type threats. Its a hard line to tread as my kids are very young for their age and I dont want to impress on them that this is what happens in a relationship. I have told them that 'this is not okay. Ever.'

Kids dont see him fuck up because I booted his hole out before (hopefully ) it could leave an impression. When hes out being The Idiot he doesnt turn up. I explain that I dont know why Daddy didnt come, but its not all bad because theyre at home with me and we can find something fun to do.

Definitely YANBU, I wouldn't let my kids go with him either.

Good luck with the exams :)

Sorry if I've missed this. How old are your DD's?