Not allowing my daughters to attend a wedding

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

This might be long but I will try to keep it as short as I can.

My ex's sister is getting married in June. I am also supposed to attend a wedding where my DP is the best man on the same day.

This day is one that falls on a day of my access.

Ex and I have a long history with going to court for access. Ex is egocentric and rather than thinking about what is best for the children's stability always puts his own wants and needs before theirs in terms of access (got drunk/hungover a lot and didnt turn up- cue me getting a court order, changes shifts to suit his lifestyle and expects me to change both the children's life and mine to suit his).

His last shift change was a year ago and the court order no longer suited him and he turns up to avail of access as and when he wants. If theres a racing festival on, or a friend's birthday or the opening of an envelope, he will say he cant collect the kids at the allotted time.

I have acted over the past three years under legal advice because he is such a tool, that if he is not there to collect the children (notwithstanding traffic delays, legitimate reasons) that I do not have to allow him to take them.

He has been told by a judge to stop complaining and that he works around the children: the children dont work around him. He has ignored this.

I am truly sick of being treated like a doormat. Last week, he let me know with 1.5hrs before he was supposed to collect the children from school that he wouldnt be there and I must go. He has a conviction from ignoring a court order to stop harassing me.

I stick to my court order as if I give him an inch he takes a mile. Then some more.

He and his sister arranged our daughters to be flower girls at her wedding. She has bought them dresses. No one ever asked me or even bothered to tell me the date. As I knew this was my day with the kids, I went ahead and made my own plans to go to my BIL's wedding.

I only found out the date of his sister's wedding because I know someone in the hotel it's happening in. The assumption has been all along that I would just give in and say yes.

Ive had everything from him from 'youre a cow/bitch/cunt/insert other word here' to 'thats her godmother/what do you think the girls would choose' to his sister saying that she thinks my approach to his access is 'inhumane' and accusing me of not turning up to court to remedy access (there was no court date, apparently he went to get application papers that I do not need to be there for and had no knowledge of).

She has said how devasatated she is, and why would I prioritise this wedding over hers: a) I didnt know when it was; b) no one told me of these plans.

I have sent Ex future access proposals, have always been reasonable (I may not like the bugger, but the kids love him and I have always facillitated as much of equal weekend access as I can because of this.) but he hasnt moved his backside to change the access order he claims is soooooo unfair to him. Hes had fifteen months to do this, and all I get is a weekly threat to 'take me back to court'.

He can do it! I even told him which form to get, how to fill it out and explained it to him.

I am just sick to my back teeth of being treated like a doormat. He slots the children in around his life, I get treated like a babysitter and my life and anything I want to do is ignored. Im still having this wanker control my life nearly six years after splitting up, because he knows that anytime he chooses not to step up, I will rush in and save the day because I wont let the children down.

There's a long DV history to this, so I am trying not to be resentful or a bitch because of that. I want what is best for the kids, which is exactly why I got a court order in the first place: stability and continuity.

I am just wondering whether IABU.

I can see both sides, I dont want to hurt his sister, but I want to stand up for myself as well.

(That was not short. Apologies.)

@BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil my dad was your ex husband. We had this nonsense through most of my childhood. My dad once never told my mum that his nephew was being christened and insisted we go even though we were supposed to be doing something with mum. Dad told us it was going to be amazing as we would have an incredible day. We made mums life difficult. Mum gave in and we went. At ten pm on the night. The christening, everyone was hammered and my dad was no where to be seen. I borrowed money from my aunt to use a pay phone to get my mum to come and get us.
I was 10.
Do not let him take them to the wedding x

@BananasAreThe SourceOfEvil you're absolutely right, these abusers are usually totally inadequate themselves and it makes them feel good to get something over you. The exMiL is just plain vindictive and evil. It's great you're not taking any of this nonsense and getting on with your own life.

"Which includes being fair and flexible sometimes if it’s the reasonable thing to do, even if he isn’t being reasonable!"

As he nearly killed the OP everything she does with regard to this evil suit is very reasonable.

Shit

It doesn't really matter that she is his aunt and he is his dad, etc. What's important is no-one is available to take proper care of these 3 small children. For that alone I'd say no.

@Whatacarryon2018 This. This is what I dont want for the kids. Daddy is shitfaced, everyone else is too and there is no Mummy there to get them.

Not on my watch.

And that sounds horrid sorry you had to go through that.

still reading the full thread but my initial instinct is no.
This man is unreliable as he does not think about the children's safety- short notice to pick up from school what happens if you couldn't get there.
So if the sisters wedding turns in a mass brawl/dad gets drunk and you children phone you to get them it is physically impossible for you to get to them quickly.

I assume he has had plenty of time to negotiate and ensure you feel he will be stable with the children. But he has chose to bully and abuse you.
It shows his priority.

Ellie56 Beat me to it with the link to grey rock technique. PPs are absolutley right, it's the only way. It's hard the first time you stand your ground, but the good thing is that next time won't be the first time IYSWIM.

I suspect your nationality/country is similar to that of my family. I stopped accepting all but really important invitations to family weddings/baptisms/21sts a few years ago. As a non-drinker, I could end up having child after child sent to aunty Weezol to be looked after while everyone else got wasted. At one wedding I ended up wrangling seven kids aged between 2 and 10, none of which were mine!

Good luck with the law exams, you sound to be an excellent parent.

I am glad you've told him no.

I do feel a bit sorry for the exSIL, and see no reason you couldn't find a lovely card and wish them the best for their wedding day.

@bananas, I read this last night and didn't reply, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. You are showing yourself to be a really strong woman and that is what your girls will need far, far more in their lives than being a flower girl at a wedding. I know you will probably suffer from fallout from not allowing them to go, but you have a very good argument which you can make to your girls, and they will love and admire you for your strength when they are older. So stand firm, with your shitty ex, his family and yourself, and all the very very best to you

I am sure your girls will have a wonderful time at your BIL's wedding.

Being a flower girl is really about wearing a nice dress, and being in photographs. I am sure your girls will have nice dresses for the wedding you go to, and there will be lots of photographs of all of you.
Stick to your guns, be strong, be brave, and feel good about it.

@bananasarethesourceofevil i had a similar upbringing to what you say. one parent was emotionally blackmailing waste of space who just seemed to use me to piss the other off! while never doing anything "wrong" to me they were emotionally absent and would rather have got shitfaced at events and left me sat there awkwardly! Other parent let me go (against their better judgement) to be "fair" and so i would never blame them for keeping me away from second parent.

I think you are doing the right thing xx

Let the girls go to the aunts wedding. He will be fine to drive them the next day, I'm sure of it... but anonymously tip the police off about the drunk driver leaving in whatever car he has, from the hotel, to your house. You'll be able to work out roughly what time he has to leave. Buy a burner phone, or ask your friend at the hotel to do it instead.

In view of the violennce, the letter, these texts and the general threats, i would urge you to get legal advice about how to go back to court and reduce access to 'by arrangement' so that your kids are ONLY seeing their dad if it's safe and beneficial for them

this man WILL be normalising toxic and abusive behaviour, he is NOT someone your kids should spend any time with tbh. They are not safe with him.

Sending a card to SIL from the kids would be a lovely thought though

Oooh yes! Let's risk a drunk drive police chase with the kids in the car

I can't believe how many people are saying you should let them go to their Aunts wedding. Your ex is the one who has fucked this up. He wants a structured court order, and he hasn't given notice.

No way would I send them off with him. You have made plans, end of.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil - can I just say that you are absolutely incredible and a wonderful role model for your kids. I'm in awe.

@JamPasty you made me cry again, thankyou for being so nice.

I've had The Idiot sending me messages re access and being super nice (he wants something, I cant imagine what!). I took PP's advice and said email me, but as I have made myself very clear I will not be responding to this issue.

Cue him 'so you wont discuss anything...etc etc etc whinging etc'.

Thankyou for your support, it might sound trite but I mean it. I always second guess myself; to hear that I'm not crazy for doing this means a lot to me.

He sounds utterly vile! I can never understand why when just because someone in blood you should almost forgive whatever treatment they give you. Frankly given his history, no warning and his abuse towards you in the texts when you’d said no I think the girls should go with you. Yes it is their father but it takes more than dna to make a dad.

Hugs!

Ex really is a piece of work isn't he! Nice one on telling him to put it all in an email! You are so far away from crazy it's unreal :)

Hi OP, this thread has rung so many bells for me, sadly I know a man or two like this. Did you ever think that maybe he doesn't want the kids there wrecking his piss up but didn't want to admit it to his Mum or Sister, so has done nothing and laid the blame at your feet? That way he remains the good guy in everyone's eyes and his Mum and Sister focus their anger on you instead of him. He's scapegoating you.

Is there a chance he would try and take the kids out of school on Thursday? If so, it might be better to keep the kids home that day as the school probably won't be able to stop him unless he is legally prohibited.

And also, could you go to the local Garda station and let them know there's a chance he might turn up at yours and kick off? Depending on where you live the Gards can be really helpful in this situation.

@BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil I am an adopter and we are told to tell our children everything in age appropriate language so there are no shocks when they are older.

Please take advice about the best way to tell the girls that their dad nearly killed you.

I wonder if you friend could find her flash drive after all these years?

Either way, they will believe you but if you 'spring it' on them at 18 or 16 it will be harder to 'digest'. Please take advice on the best way to explain it all, bit by bit, in age appropriate language if you wish to.

@SolitudeSomtimesIs I think this may very well be the case. exSIL is confused and hurt and Ive told her very frankly about the situation. She is definitely under false impressions that could have come from no other source than her brother: he is the original source, it cannot have come anywhere else.

I posted earlier about his filing applications through the court. Its a load of bollocks. Yet family are under a false impression.

The Gardai have been bloody wonderful. I know they get slated but they have been nothing but brilliant in my situation.

I have set strict ground rules for him. He doesnt set foot on my property or I will call the Gards. I have put it in writing so there is no confusion. As he cant refrain from being a fuckpuffin (word I learned from MN and I love it) I have the calls that he makes to my daughters on loudspeaker. He has a tendency to be manipulative. I hear an y lies like 'oh but I wanted you to come to mine but mummy said no' crap then the phone is put down.

The Idiot has been convicted for breaching a protection order in the past so no one has any patience for him.

Every time that a court order is altered I provide the school with a copy. I have also been in and said that if they let my children go with anyone aside from myself without my prior permission or outside the order, that I will be back with a Gardai presence.

These days Id be onto the Gards in a heartbeat- they were honestly so so good when it came to getting protection orders and enforcing them.