Not allowing my daughters to attend a wedding

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

This might be long but I will try to keep it as short as I can.

My ex's sister is getting married in June. I am also supposed to attend a wedding where my DP is the best man on the same day.

This day is one that falls on a day of my access.

Ex and I have a long history with going to court for access. Ex is egocentric and rather than thinking about what is best for the children's stability always puts his own wants and needs before theirs in terms of access (got drunk/hungover a lot and didnt turn up- cue me getting a court order, changes shifts to suit his lifestyle and expects me to change both the children's life and mine to suit his).

His last shift change was a year ago and the court order no longer suited him and he turns up to avail of access as and when he wants. If theres a racing festival on, or a friend's birthday or the opening of an envelope, he will say he cant collect the kids at the allotted time.

I have acted over the past three years under legal advice because he is such a tool, that if he is not there to collect the children (notwithstanding traffic delays, legitimate reasons) that I do not have to allow him to take them.

He has been told by a judge to stop complaining and that he works around the children: the children dont work around him. He has ignored this.

I am truly sick of being treated like a doormat. Last week, he let me know with 1.5hrs before he was supposed to collect the children from school that he wouldnt be there and I must go. He has a conviction from ignoring a court order to stop harassing me.

I stick to my court order as if I give him an inch he takes a mile. Then some more.

He and his sister arranged our daughters to be flower girls at her wedding. She has bought them dresses. No one ever asked me or even bothered to tell me the date. As I knew this was my day with the kids, I went ahead and made my own plans to go to my BIL's wedding.

I only found out the date of his sister's wedding because I know someone in the hotel it's happening in. The assumption has been all along that I would just give in and say yes.

Ive had everything from him from 'youre a cow/bitch/cunt/insert other word here' to 'thats her godmother/what do you think the girls would choose' to his sister saying that she thinks my approach to his access is 'inhumane' and accusing me of not turning up to court to remedy access (there was no court date, apparently he went to get application papers that I do not need to be there for and had no knowledge of).

She has said how devasatated she is, and why would I prioritise this wedding over hers: a) I didnt know when it was; b) no one told me of these plans.

I have sent Ex future access proposals, have always been reasonable (I may not like the bugger, but the kids love him and I have always facillitated as much of equal weekend access as I can because of this.) but he hasnt moved his backside to change the access order he claims is soooooo unfair to him. Hes had fifteen months to do this, and all I get is a weekly threat to 'take me back to court'.

He can do it! I even told him which form to get, how to fill it out and explained it to him.

I am just sick to my back teeth of being treated like a doormat. He slots the children in around his life, I get treated like a babysitter and my life and anything I want to do is ignored. Im still having this wanker control my life nearly six years after splitting up, because he knows that anytime he chooses not to step up, I will rush in and save the day because I wont let the children down.

There's a long DV history to this, so I am trying not to be resentful or a bitch because of that. I want what is best for the kids, which is exactly why I got a court order in the first place: stability and continuity.

I am just wondering whether IABU.

I can see both sides, I dont want to hurt his sister, but I want to stand up for myself as well.

(That was not short. Apologies.)

I'm not sure a thread has ever made me as upset and angry as this one. And I haven't even read it all. I honestly feel like murdering your ex. As for helpful advice (sorry - my murderous rage on your behalf not really the point, but bloody hell) I do wonder if this isn't crunch time, time to - as you've said yourself - start very gently involving the children a bit more, especially the oldest. Heartbreaking as it is, they will one day understand what an absolute bottom-feeder their father is. You are so, so, so much already the better person, I don't think you need to worry about that for a nano-second. What's important is your bond with your daughters and your right to keep them safe from him and his whole rotten family. for you, OP, and what a star you are for having not just recovered from him but gone on to make a good life and find a good man.

Viviennemary you need to read the Ops posts. The ex tried to kill her when pregnant and his whole family supported him and verbally abused her. Her dd's wouldn't be safe with them a drinking.

Bananas be prepared that your ex and his family will try to use dc against you. They will try to convince them that they need to be flower girls and you are wrong.

I have a similar exh... similar situ minus the physical abuse- my ex was much more ‘emotional’ abuse. Sounds like we have similar ex families too. I was trailed through court endlessly for contact and the divorce took 8+ years because of financial abuse. My kids have been through it all- him not turning up,turning up late,taking them then dumping them at his parents etc etc etc...
I’m now 10+ years down the line and a couple of things jump out at me...
Yes you are right to draw and line and stick to it. Totally right- I was told to by the judge so I did and it did help take the pressure off.
Second thing that really helped was to not give him headspace/time etc. I ‘took’ back control (eventually) and boy did it feel good for both me and my kids. I stoped engaging with his ‘you are a bitch’ txts and kept replying with a standard txt along the lines of ‘If you want to discuss change of arrangements about children that is fine. Anything will be forwarded directly to my solicitor’ He was furious but boy did it feel good to finally stand up to his bullying and eventually it worked really well to help control the nonsence. It gave the kids and me some space and peace. Now they are older I have him totally blocked from any form of contact with me except via solicitor. He’s not allowed in my driveway and only allowed near House to collect the ( now older) kids. They see him for who he is and they know that they have me.
Stick to your guns..don’t change even a tiny bit from order. Eventually it will work in your kids favour.
I hope the wedding goes really well and you all have a lovely day.

@Viviennemary they are 10, 9 and 7.

@onalongsabbatical thankyou for your kind words! I come from a DV background so I think I baby my children too much. They are still so innocent (all they love are ponies, fairies, kittens and puppies) and I dont want to ruin it. However, having read all of this I think I do need to have a frank conversation with my daughters.

Im ok with the murderous rage- we could do a swap a la Strangers on a Train... do you have a person in mind?

I grew up in a DV situation with my siblings. None of us talk to him, we dont even know where he is. I think thats the ultimate payback- when your children are old enough to just walk away because they realise what really went on.

Thanks for letting me know the ages. But I don't think your DD;s should be protected for ever from knowing the truth about their father. Did you report this attack to the police. It sounds very serious indeed. And he should have been prosecuted for it. No they shouldn't go and not sure if he should even be getting access at all under the circumstances.

Bananas I'm glad to say there's no-one in my life I want to murder (currently)! My offer to do away with your ex was entirely altruistic.
As for your girl's innocence, I so understand, as the mother of two daughters, that desire to keep them innocent and happy, but awful father or not, you can't. The world is full of grim shit. They will almost undoubtedly give him 'the ultimate payback' at some point. Please update and let us know what happens, won't you?

I'm so cross that he has access at all, aftet nearly killing you and your daughter. Absolutely disgusting. No way my kids would be going to this wedding, you are 100% doing the right thing.

You sound utterly brilliant by the way, best of luck in your exams.

I get your pain, have an asshole EX too, however I would try to accommodate if you can. It’s their aunts wedding and not going sets you up into the realm of conflict. I get that you are worried if people are drunk, but I’m not sure unless you have solid concerns that you can stop it ‘just in case’. You could calmly request that they have a family member to look after them in the evening?

I used to get so down with my Ex too, messages etc. I went minimum contact and it’s taken years but it does work! In the end. Please get him distant to you. Which includes being fair and flexible sometimes if it’s the reasonable thing to do, even if he isn’t being reasonable!

@onalongsabbatical I will. He is the shittiest gift that keeps on giving...

@Viviennemary I didnt report it. At that point I was so under the 'if you ever say anything I will take the kids off you' spell. 8 years later, Id be making that call before anyone could draw another breath.

That was only one instance in a long line of things. Kickings, punches, slamming my head into a door frame at the level that the door fixing ripped my hair out and left a huge chunk there, slapping me across the face, pulling my hair out to prove how ugly I really was. Then being told by his family that if I hadnt wound him up so much it would never have happened. Neighbours rang the police once but I was too scared to say anything.

My friend came over and took pictures and saved them to a usb stick... and lost it!! When it came to my first access hearing I told the judge all this, but as I had no proof, it couldnt be taken into account as I never reported it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Only thing I can do is to teach my daughters that this is not the way relationships work. They dote on my DP, we have a healthy relationship. I hope they model their future relationships on ours, not that of mine and their father.

Wow that’s awful. I feel sick reading that. Keep focusing on you Bananas, and your family. It will get better.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 Im an eternal optimist so I know it will be, eventually. Sure, I have an imaginary wedding to attend. I just hope the imaginary food is good!

If he is going to be drinking heavily, then I'd be saying no- regardless of what the girls might like. Especially so if he tends to drive the morning after a heavy session. Their safety is not worth the risk to "be the bigger person". When they are older they will understand.

Not on that, but if you give in to this then I think you're going to have difficulty the next time he springs an "important" family occasion or similar on you. You said yes then, why not the next time? There will always be an excuse for him to control you. The fact they've sent you abusive/insulting emails would make me even less likely to bend over backwards to be accommodating.

@jacks11 Ive always given in for different things (not where the kids will be potentially endagered) but always given way to his family. I'm not from Ireland and my family here are not close. His are like cockroaches, you cant move for tripping over one of the buggers.

Ive put my foot down and said no. Im in a circle of Idiot. It starts with

Please
Youre a bitch
You are unreasonable
Youre a bitch
Emotional blackmail
Please
Why cant we be friends?
Bitch
I pay too much maintenance
Im going to court
Please
Youre an amazing mum
Have a nice day
Bitch

Rinse and repeat. This is the first time Im really putting my foot down and just saying no.

For anyone that was wondering about updates- I checked with the court. No application or forms filed.

Its another threat and at this point he can shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

I might be talking out of turn here but I would be worried about him hitting one of the girls one day and the ex MIL justifying that because 'they goaded him'. I wouldn't tell the girls about his abuse yet, let them keep their innocence and they will eventually see him and his family for who they really are. Enjoy the wedding with your girls and DP and don't give him another second's thought.

I wouldn't waste your time feeling sorry for the Ex SIL. If she really wanted the kids there as flowergirls she'd have contacted you directly and asked nicely if it was possible for the girls to go. She didn't, so it obviously didn't mean much to her whether they were there or not. Then she gets nasty and throws a tantrum when things don't go her way. She's just as worthless as her brother.

I'm disgusted the courts (or whoever) even let him near the girls in the first place.

OP, I would not let them go, just in case you are still undecided 😏

Good luck with your exams and for your lawyer life in the future, helping women like you were once.
There isn’t enough help available to women in those situations, and therefore many arseholes walk free.
Your dc will in time realise what went on.
My mum never put us children first and it did unimaginable damage to all of us.
You’re a

Definitely ‘grey rock’ whatever you do going forward. My Ex was never violent, but he was in a cycle of emotional abuse with me and it was only me NEVER attacking back but being super distant, yes, no, will find out responses that broke this. Any abusive messages, do not reply.

Honestly you might be caught up in the cycle yourself. It really, really helps to break it. So much head space now!

I would encourage you to quit engaging at this level. Sending texts like you're a nasty little bully, however true, is only going to fan the flames. Don't be dragged down to his level. Work towards minimal contact, yes/no non-emotive messages.

This! All you're doing by reacting to him is allowing him to have control.

I've changed my mind about letting them go since I last posted, now you've gone into more detail, but I stand by what I said about not engaging with him.

You must be getting something out of it by continuing with the engagement at the level it's at, otherwise you'd disengage and just do the bare minimum of contact with him.

@chattykathyblue100 youre not out of turn at all! The funny thing is that I never envisage him doing that to the girls and never have. To him they are extensions of his family so he would never hurt them. I would imagine his mother would defend him if that happened. She's a weird one.

He hurt me because I was everything that he wasn't. To put it very bluntly, I am far more intelligent than him. I won scholarships to schools and got to do the things he always wanted to do but never got to. By beating me down he put me in my place.

I do worry about the girls because of his actions but there is sod all I can do legally. Yet. There's a litany more to this, but all I can say is that if I am constantly on top of this and being the prize bitch the family assume me to be then I can be confident that nothing will happen to them. One day they will know what he is and what he did.

The irony is that if someone laid a finger on them, he'd kill them. I just deserved it.

Stay strong Banana.

I think you should stop engaging with him by text and use email as PP suggested. Failing that get a new phone just for dealing with him then you don't have to put up with a barrage of crap among the rest of your communications. And only communicate about arrangements for the girls. Ignore anything else.

Some people dealing with abusive people recommend the grey rock technique.

lindenclinicalpsychology.com.au/how-to-use-the-grey-rock-method-for-toxic-behaviours/

He’s a misogynist sociopath.

All those exchanges are abuse and you can report that to the police. You don’t have to engage with him at all if you choose not to.

You don’t owe his family anything at all and even less considering they were not there for you or your daughters. Neither he nor his family will be a positive influence on your daughters now or in the future.

It’s not his day with the girls, end of story really but as has been pointed out neither he nor his sister informed you of the date and you already have another wedding to attend.

It’s not your daughters choice, they don’t understand the situation, all they would know if that they get to dress up and look pretty, so obviously they would think that would sound good.

@SevenStones I have stopped the communication. I literally cant be bothered with his rubbish. Tha'ts why I told him to get out of it.

He's full of rubbish and I'm not playing along with this shite anymore.

@Mellifera that's why I chose to go into law. I love it for many reasons but I want to help the women (and men) like me.