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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party for 14 yo DD. AIBU, or is she?

188 replies

CamillaTurner · 01/05/2018 13:49

DD turns 14 in a couple of months' time.

She has decided that the only possible party that will cut the mustard is a house party (at my house) for 15-20 people aged 13-15. According to her, it is very sensible and reasonable for me to provide "a bit" of alcohol, and for her friends to bring their own, to which I will turn a blind eye.

Some of these "friends" are people she has, strangely enough, never mentioned before (namely boys from the boys' school - hers is all girls).

I said I would be willing to have her (real, good) friends for an evening of doing what they normally do (singing loudly, make-up, pizza etc). At a very big push, I might let them have a glass of Cava. But nothing beyond that.

This produced a meltdown about how I'm the worst mother on the planet, Everyone Else's parents let them have this kind of party, Everyone Else's parents let them invite 50 people, never mind poxy 15, etc, etc. I told her that she would be having no party whatsoever if she carried on like that. She said she didn't care, and would hire a marquee, pitch it in the park, invite whoever she wanted, and that they would all bring their own alcohol. Hmm

I refused to argue, and merely said we could talk again about a party when she could be more sensible. At this, she huffed off and is now not speaking to me (has decamped to her father's - though if she thinks she'll get any further with him, she is very much mistaken...)

She has older siblings (which might account for some of the 'wanting to be "grown up"' stuff), though they just happen not to be bothered about parties, so this is the first time I've had to face this one.

Could those who have been there advise me, please?

OP posts:
Winetime0909 · 02/05/2018 11:20

When my DD was 15 she went to a 16th birthday campout in someone's back garden/farm, we let her go as it didn't sound too bad. Picked her up the next morning empty alcohol glasses and bottles everything, people standing around smoking and we heard from DD that girls from her year were having sex in tents and behind treesConfused the birthday girls parents and other family were there and I can't see why they allowed this to happen! House party's never ever end well! Stand your ground opFlowers

dancinfeet · 02/05/2018 11:30

I have a soon to be 14 year old. This would be an absolute no. And I said no to her attending a similar type party at someone else's house a few months back.
Just no.

Myse1f · 02/05/2018 13:04

Another ';pushing the boundaries but within limits' idea (if hot tub comes up too expensive) is 5 girl sleepover with 15 Cert scary thrillers on DVD: with parents permission of course. There will be screaming but it is pushing the limits ,just a bit. in a way you can police in advance.

EyeRollChampion · 02/05/2018 13:25

So she's going to hire a marquee with her pocket money, obtain permission to pitch it in a public place, then have her underage friends bring alcohol and get bladdered?

I'd tell her fantastic idea, crack on! Grin

FASH84 · 02/05/2018 13:25

I'd say no alcohol at the party, year 11 age 15/16 is different to 13/14. However at 14 she can legally have one alcoholic drink with a meal in a restaurant with an adult, a small beer, cider or Perry. You could do that with her as well as the party/hot tub event.

gussyfinknottle · 02/05/2018 13:51

I love the "name five" idea - mine's currently a preteen but I see this in my future.

LucyEvans26 · 02/05/2018 14:21

You could give her alcohol free champagne and pretend its real

Dozer · 02/05/2018 14:27

She is being very unreasonable. You wouldn’t be unreasonable to do as PPs suggest and withdraw ANY offer of funds/accommodation/help for a celebration of any kind for her friends unless she snaps out of it fast.

Dozer · 02/05/2018 14:28

Watch out with hot tubs, some people keel over if staying in too long!

Original poster
CamillaTurner · 02/05/2018 14:31

EyeRoll, yup, that's the plan. Grin

Just to clarify: if the hot tub idea is a go-er, there will decidedly not be any boys there. I would also have to set out a few rules about photographs, as they would all no doubt find it impossible to detach themselves from their phones for more than 2.5 seconds.

The whole thing is a bit of a nightmare, really. Even films are tricky. DD has watched things that I would never have let me older ones watch when they were not quite 14. The drip, drip effect from older siblings and their friends cannot be underestimated. Yet she has friends whose parents won't let them watch 15 rated films. Roll on real adulthood. Or bring back toddlerhood. Anything but teenagers.

OP posts:
YoThePussy · 02/05/2018 14:44

Ah the joys of teenage parties. I had one at 16, school friend was sick all down our front path. I met her unexpectedly after many years when at the same event. I said did she remember my party and she went scarlet and said she just knew I would remind her.

The only damage I remember was the lager stain on the ceiling of our sitting room from a carelessly opened can.

Don’t do it!

BackInTime · 02/05/2018 15:01

Ours can have a "house party" when they're old enough to get their own house to host it in. Until then they'll be having a few friends round as you describe

I completely agree with this. Inviting a large number of teens you don’t know to your home is inviting trouble. I have heard too many tales of house parties or even village hall parties getting out of control at this age. Alcohol is usually involved whether the host parents allow it or not. Some kids just drink in the park or or on the way there some take drugs too. There is just no way I would want to take responsibility for this.

I can’t make out if the parents hosting the parties are naive or just very very easy going.

YoThePussy · 02/05/2018 15:10

Oh and at mine one 15 year old had sex with five different boys in assorted rooms including in the bath!

Don’t be fooled by the idea of a gathering being better. Had one of those too with the same 15 year old friend who knew someone who knew the members of a boy band. Friend of friend had to be walked round the block repeatedly to try and sober her up after drinking a bottle of vodka. My parents rang hers and they came and collected her, threw her in the back of their car still semi conscious and commented ‘not again’. I knew nothing of it as was otherwise occupied in the back of a car belonging to one of the boy band members.

Original poster
CamillaTurner · 02/05/2018 15:35

It gets worse by the minute...

OP posts:
PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 02/05/2018 15:36

How much was that can shaken up?! Shock

Winter7 · 02/05/2018 15:39

I'd say 13/14 and even 15 is way too young. Particularly without each parent's consent gor alcohol. Stand your ground. She's trying her luck.

Kim82 · 02/05/2018 15:54

It’d be a big, fat no from me too. My dd is 14 in August and she’s having a day at Alton Towers followed by pizza and a film at home with friends. Absolutely no alcohol involved whatsoever!

I do have a ds who is 17 in July, he goes to house parties every couple of months and has a few drinks, if his friends parents are happy to host then that’s fine (and they are happy to, they give everyone a lift home at the end of the night) but it’s not happening in my house. He can have a few beers with his best friend, me and dh in the house but not with a big group of them, it’s just not going to happen, I imagine they’d make a ridiculous amount of noise and I have a 3 year old in the house. Not a chance.

deadringer · 02/05/2018 16:33

No, no, and thrice no. I have a DD who is nearly 15 and she wouldn't even ask for this. (I also have a DC who is 19 and two in their 20s so not clueless). What you have suggested is pretty much what we will be doing. Don't fall for it op.

Dozer · 02/05/2018 16:36

My parents refused house parties forever more after an incident at my sibling’s 8th party where home brew in a corner was spilled everywhere, which stank, and raised a few eyebrows when parents collected their DC! From then on it was 4 friends over, max!

Sibling still claims the drama of it all and kudos with friends at school made it worth the party ban!

BonfiresOfInsanity · 02/05/2018 16:40

Two people I know have had their 13/14 year olds go to house parties this year for a 14th birthday where alcohol was supplied by the parents. Both turned to shit, with lots of drunk kids, throwing up and fights and one where the police were called and the party shut down. Neither parent had been advised / asked by the party parent whether they were OK about the alcohol (they were not btw) it was just supplied to them. Luckily my DS is not popular enough to be invited to these parties. Grin

DON'T DO IT!

Original poster
CamillaTurner · 02/05/2018 18:04

Evening all,

I think it would be fair to say that everyone has confirmed my own feelings about this, in spades!!

I will ask XH what he would think to the hot tub and mocktails(girls only) idea (have to ask him, as he would have to pay half). Assuming he agrees, and assuming I can find anyone local who would supply said hot tub, I will suggest it to DD. I don't mind her having something a bit special as she hasn't had a party for the last couple of years due to moving house, family problems etc. Just not a house party with loads of unknown children (and the potential for gatecrashers) and alcohol!

OP posts:
downinthejunglee · 02/05/2018 18:32

Why does it have to be girls only? If she wanted the boys there before then it seems she wants them there. It'd be in the garden I presume so you'll be able to keep an eye on things?

SavageBeauty73 · 02/05/2018 18:36

I'm pretty liberal but do parents really supply alcohol for 14 year olds? Crazy.

Wildlingofthewest · 02/05/2018 18:44

She’s just having a strop. Obviously she’s talking nonsense with regards to the idea of putting up a marquee in the park,so don’t give that a second thought. Frankly I wouldn’t mention anything more about it for the time being. She’s not entitled to have any party at all, especially if she’s being so rude and ungrateful!

Also don’t entertain supplying or turning a blind eye to any alcohol consumption in your house by any other kids, it’s a recipe for disaster and will only end in tears and the wrath of other parents (and rightly so)

She will huff and puff and call you all the names under the sun, just stick to your guns and remember you are the adult,not her!!!

Caribou58 · 02/05/2018 19:07

Retired teacher here - no, no, no, no, no no no....

You have a responsibility for the well-being and safety of any minor you allow into your house. I'll just stop there.