Party for 14 yo DD. AIBU, or is she?

[CamillaTurner]

DD turns 14 in a couple of months' time.

She has decided that the only possible party that will cut the mustard is a house party (at my house) for 15-20 people aged 13-15. According to her, it is very sensible and reasonable for me to provide "a bit" of alcohol, and for her friends to bring their own, to which I will turn a blind eye.

Some of these "friends" are people she has, strangely enough, never mentioned before (namely boys from the boys' school - hers is all girls).

I said I would be willing to have her (real, good) friends for an evening of doing what they normally do (singing loudly, make-up, pizza etc). At a very big push, I might let them have a glass of Cava. But nothing beyond that.

This produced a meltdown about how I'm the worst mother on the planet, Everyone Else's parents let them have this kind of party, Everyone Else's parents let them invite 50 people, never mind poxy 15, etc, etc. I told her that she would be having no party whatsoever if she carried on like that. She said she didn't care, and would hire a marquee, pitch it in the park, invite whoever she wanted, and that they would all bring their own alcohol.

I refused to argue, and merely said we could talk again about a party when she could be more sensible. At this, she huffed off and is now not speaking to me (has decamped to her father's - though if she thinks she'll get any further with him, she is very much mistaken...)

She has older siblings (which might account for some of the 'wanting to be "grown up"' stuff), though they just happen not to be bothered about parties, so this is the first time I've had to face this one.

Could those who have been there advise me, please?

I have a feeling you are not the only one out to ruin their teenagers life after all OP

YANBU x 1000000000.

We let our 15 year old have 20 people over.
Between 60 and 80 arrived with rucksacks full of alcohol. We kicked them out after an hour and a half. They were all reasonably well behaved, and mumbled 'sorry' and 'thank you' as they shuffled out.
It could have been a lot worse.
Never ever again!!!

Gosh, mine never did anything like this and any decent parent I know wouldn't entertain this either, they are children and under age.
i'd also question what type of parent would accept such an invitation.

Your plan sounds great although I would probably hold back on anything but very weak booze for another year. I think if you are going to allow a glass of something alcoholic, I would check with the other parents first as there will mixed views! One of my DCs was given a couple of glasses of prosecco at a 14th and I was a bit surprised that nobody had checked first.

My DCs are teens, a bit older than yours, and we have been going through the party pleading stage for the past few years with "everyone else's parents let them..." What I have learnt is that there will be some kids who have wild parties with loads of alcohol and no supervision when they are 12/13/14. These kids are in the minority! After that there seems to be a real mix of what's allowed, so some of the kids that I was led to believe had very relaxed parents are still hiding most of what they do when they are 16/17.

My advice through bitter experience is:
Don't give alcohol to anyone you don't know,
Supervise, as in be a visible presence, especially if there are guests you don't know and
Plastic water and soft drinks bottles that are brought to the party don't generally contain what's on the label!

If my dd went to the proposed party and came home pissed up I'd be more than a bit mad at you for hosting it.

OMG you are LITERALLY the worst mum EVER. And also really BORING and you clearly don't understand I bet you were never young. URRGHHH.

oh wait, no, that's me. I am ruining my children's lives apparently. IT'S SO UNFAIR.

I wouldn't be comfortable providing the venue for a bunch of kids as young as 13 to get pissed. In fact I can't think of much worse than a bunch of hormonal over the top drunk teenagers in my home. Your DD isn't really living in the real world right now, and you're doing the right thing in saying no :)

If my dd went to the proposed party and came home pissed up I'd be more than a bit mad at you for hosting it.

Yes same here

A definite no from me as a mum of a teenager, if you give in it will set a precedent for next year and the year after, the parties will get bigger with more alcohol involved, she's too young. Stick to your guns and let her sulk, teenage girls could win awards for that !

YANBU at all!
One of the first rules for teenage house parties is that you provide the food and drink (whether or not do provide alcohol is your choice) but you allow NOTHING else through your front door!
You must be there, not policing, but being a ‘presence ‘.
If you decide to go ahead I’d recommend solid start and finish times.
Personally, I’d also expect a gust list and check with other parents how they feel about your alcohol policy.

Dd15 has been to a few house parties this year for 14th/15th birthdays and all but one of the inviations has specified they are allowed to being one or two cans or small bottles of something to drink.

She often has people here for sleepovers/movies nights and I allow them to have one or two drinks if they bring their own or their parent drops them off and tells me to my face I am allowed to provide them with a can/small bottle of cider or glass of cheap, fizzy wine. I don't accept text messages or older siblings word as proof they are allowed and won't provide other people's children with alcohol unless I hear directly from the parent they don't mind.

No. A thousand times, no.

I hosted the party she wants for my DS’s 16th.

horrible.

I had not anticipated the amount of alcohol they can get their hands on.

Some of the girls sat in another room drinking tea. It just wasn’t for them. They were lovely.

The rest were hideous.

Don't do it OP! I have been there and what was supposed to be a handful of girls (Yr 10) turned out to be hell on earth.

Have friends who have had their houses trashed by blow ins and "friends of friends'

This above all else would really bother me because none of them are mature enough to not post anything about the party on social media.

Kids that age either need an un-crashable venue - thought the nightclub before opening complete with bouncers was inspired - or no party.

I really don’t think it’s ok for 14 yr olds to be given alcohol (speaking as a mum of a 13 and 14 yr old). I would be very unimpressed if my daughters were given alcohol at a party, they are no way mature enough physically and mentally to handle it

My 15 year old tried the same thing not that long ago, with the same answer. She was miffed, but she got over it. I also pointed out thet it is illegal to serve alcohol to someone else's child without parental permission, and I would be having words with the parents she claimed 'do it all the time'. A couple of weeks ago I got a text from one of the parents who 'do it all the time' to ask if I was OK with a small glass of wine at dinner. When I spoke to her she said that now they are all approaching 16 she thought it might be a special treat if parents were OK with it. When I showed the text to DD, she said she had never been offered any alcohol, but other friends said they had. I really do think she thinks I am an idiot, and have no idea about being a teenager!

Not a chance in hell, and I let my 16yr old drink v moderately.

No party unless it's on your terms and for goodness sake no alcohol. Stick to your guns.

YANBU at all. Not in the slightest.

My DD1 is 13 in July, and The Party is a hot topic in our house at the moment. DD has requested that, because she will be 13, and therefore "almost an adult" (ha!) we leave her and her friends alone for The Party. She is expecting us, and her five siblings, to decamp elsewhere for a few hours, as we would "kill the vibe" of The Party. I said to her, "do I look like I was born yesterday?"

DH and I are now the worst parents in the world, because The Party obviously takes place with us in the home, or it doesn't happen at all.

DS1 (15) didn't cause all this fuss when he turned 13!

Best advice I've ever been given - whatever they're allowed to do this time they'll push a bit further next time, so hold off as long as you can before allowing alcohol/ staying out late/ phone in room or whatever the issue is, as you'll run out of places for them to push to a lot younger than you're happy with if not.

A PP mentioned mocktails, that could be good fun, get the umbrellas, fruit etc and a book of recipes for them to use.

moofolk 😀

I have put DC through parties until they were 21.

IMO, 14 is too young and it would be a no from me. Mine had their first similar party at 15, there were no more than 6 guests each, the parents were all informed in advance that if they had no objection to alcohol being drunk then they needed to supply it for their own DC.

At 16, they were allowed more guests and I didn't police the alcohol but the party was held until a gazebo in the garden with a fire pit and BBQ to keep them warm and absorb the booze.

No way on earth would my house be used trashed by that volume of people, most of whom you don't know.

I bet she wants you out of the house too

My friends mum was a 'cool mum' who allowed parties with alcohol from 13+. She and her husband used to go out for the night and just let us get on with it. Whilst some fun was had, I also experienced serious sexual assaults whilst off my face and my best friend almost died choking on her own vomit. YANBU by saying no, you're being a decent parent.

Categorically no.

No party and definitely not giving alcohol to minors.

Who the hell does that?