Party for 14 yo DD. AIBU, or is she?

[CamillaTurner]

DD turns 14 in a couple of months' time.

She has decided that the only possible party that will cut the mustard is a house party (at my house) for 15-20 people aged 13-15. According to her, it is very sensible and reasonable for me to provide "a bit" of alcohol, and for her friends to bring their own, to which I will turn a blind eye.

Some of these "friends" are people she has, strangely enough, never mentioned before (namely boys from the boys' school - hers is all girls).

I said I would be willing to have her (real, good) friends for an evening of doing what they normally do (singing loudly, make-up, pizza etc). At a very big push, I might let them have a glass of Cava. But nothing beyond that.

This produced a meltdown about how I'm the worst mother on the planet, Everyone Else's parents let them have this kind of party, Everyone Else's parents let them invite 50 people, never mind poxy 15, etc, etc. I told her that she would be having no party whatsoever if she carried on like that. She said she didn't care, and would hire a marquee, pitch it in the park, invite whoever she wanted, and that they would all bring their own alcohol.

I refused to argue, and merely said we could talk again about a party when she could be more sensible. At this, she huffed off and is now not speaking to me (has decamped to her father's - though if she thinks she'll get any further with him, she is very much mistaken...)

She has older siblings (which might account for some of the 'wanting to be "grown up"' stuff), though they just happen not to be bothered about parties, so this is the first time I've had to face this one.

Could those who have been there advise me, please?

There are alcohol free wines you can easily buy, they won’t know the difference and it tastes so bloody awful I doubt they will want a second glass😆

DS was 14 in November and ended up not doing anything as he seemingly couldn’t be bothered. So not everyone is having parties like that.

I am also happy for him to have a glass of alcohol with us at home. But wouldn’t be happy for him to have it somewhere else and wouldn’t offer it to his friends either.

I think I need to tell DD about the Coke confiscation!!

Space is a problem here, too (namely we have none at all). But I will investigate the hot tub, Elderflower. That might not be prohibitive if XH will contribute. Thanks v much for suggesting.

Laughing at the alcohol-free wine suggestion Elderflower. What a great way to put 'em off.

Summoned to work now, sadly, but will look again later. Thank you. I am feeling much better now, with the weight of the Vipers behind me!

That behaviour would mean no party. Easy.

I would also never provide alcohol or turn a blind eye to underage drinkers and would be livid if another parent took it upon themselves to provide it to MY child.

Actually I am ‘the worst mother in the world’, I know this because I am told so a couple of times a day by at least one of my teenagers! They push and push at the boundaries and it sometimes takes strength against the battering to keep saying no, but your instincts are right I think; to meet her with a concession but not the whole deal.

One of my teens will be 16 in the summer and they’ll be no booze then either (party in the garden), though I’m happy for her to have a small glass of something with a meal with us normally, just not in the party situation yet. I generally find ‘other parents’ are grateful to know it’s booze free.

She'll get over it. I had a party like that for my 15th (10 years ago). My mum bought 1% alcohol cans on shandy and a friend bought a crate of about 15 alcopops that his mum provided. No one got pissed but we felt Very Grown Up.

I wouldn’t.

Not because of her but you can’t control other people and what they would bring.

She will soon get over it and hate you for something else

No way. And if someone gave my 14 year old alcohol I'd be very cross. She'll either see sense of do without a party. What makes kids things they have some automatic right to one anyway.

Ours can have a "house party" when they're old enough to get their own house to host it in. Until then they'll be having a few friends round as you describe.

They have literally years and years as young adults to go out, go drinking and have house parties. Don't let your DD persuade you that parents providing alcohol to young teens at parties is normal. It's not.

blimey that looks like I've been on the booze, sorry about all the typos, actually scoffing lol

The coke story made me lol. Seriously at least we aren’t THAT embarrassing yet!!
Still trying to align myself to the fact that I am the boring mother now and dd is the teen with so much fun ahead!

You could always invite your friends and show them how it is done! I very much doubt she would ask for another party again next year!!

Stand firm OP. I was a very good girl who went to an all girls grammar school - or that’s what my mum thought. At 14 I smoked, drank quite often, lost my virginity, had smoked pot on many occasions and took speed once...

Now fortunately I was actually really responsible with it all, experimented with things here and there but nothing more than that (except smoking, which is my only remaining vice!), I always used protection and only had sex with my long term boyfriend, I never went overboard... but lots of my friends were sadly not so responsible. I could happily have one or two drinks, others would drink the whole bottle and then some. Even if your child is sensible and responsible, others wouldn’t be. I’m filled with horror at the thought of some of the house parties I went to as a teenager (one where the house was totally destroyed, and my sisters 16th that was gate crashed by about 50 extra people, one of whom stole my guitar and many other things and one of them put lit fireworks through the letterbox!)

OP is not suggesting she gets them all plastered!!!
No green fingers but it's not the OP's right to decide if the other children can have alcohol and with the number of people the DD wants there it would be hard for the OP to check no-one had brought their own and monitor how much thwy have been drinking each. At a house party I think the chances are high that some.will bring their own drinks.

YANBU stick to your guns

OP. When I was 15 my mum went away - I climbed into the house through a back window (was meant to be with a friend) and had a party. thank god facebook had not been invented then! (I'm in my early 40s now) -

THe thing I remember most clearly was the girl in my class who egged me on and told me I would never be caught - she laughed the next day and said 'oh of course you were always goign to get caught'

how the F did I think I wouldn't get caught -I lived in a cul de sac!! all my neighbours reported it to my mum - one neighbour came round and kicked all the randoms out at about 11pm.

what im trying to say here is that teenagers are way dumber than we and they realise - they honestly don't have cause and effect laid down in the neural paths yet....

so be the wiser person and do not let her invite randoms to her house.

I hve to say I would definitely encourage and allow moderate drinking from 14 onwards - or it becomes a binge thing. let them taste it/ understand how one drink makes them feel.

My dds school wrote to us saying that we needed the parents consent in writing before providing alcohol to any years below 6th form. They have forbidden it - provides us parents with a useful get out (I had the same pestering - not at 13 though dd was 15)

The school said it was unlawful for parents to give children alcohol without the parents consent.

hmm..I think a 16th birthday party with no alcohol is a bit mean.

We have a massive binge drinking problem in the UK _ which doesn't exist in France/ Spain etc where children normally have small amounts of wine from a much younger age.

to put it into context - I turned 16 in the mid 90s and was on much heavier substances than a glass of wine! as were most people of my own age.

I am ashamed to say I didn't give them alcohol, but I did buy some cava and beer and told dd that if her friends decided to steal it from the fridge then there was nothing I could do about it

Sigh. My others were happy to do family things, even for "big" birthdays. Since when did 14 become a big deal, anyway?!

Yeah, after mine turned 13 they didn't have parties anymore, my son turned 14 just recently and we went to the cinema and out for dinner after and he brought one friend, he was happy enough with that. I mean 18th or 16th maybe but 14? nah

I'd be really cross if my daughter was given alcohol at a party at 13 or 14.

At home, a small glass of wine as a spacial occasion - ok. At a mixed party t 13, no way jose!

My niece just turned 14.. she invited friends over for movies, pizza and nibbles, some parents were not happy for their 13/14year olds to be watching movies rated a 15 and insisted to my brother and his GF that nothing more than a cert12 was shown..so no way would alcoholic drinks even a glass had been allowed!

I have a feeling you are not the only one out to ruin their teenagers life after all OP