Party for 14 yo DD. AIBU, or is she?

[CamillaTurner]

DD turns 14 in a couple of months' time.

She has decided that the only possible party that will cut the mustard is a house party (at my house) for 15-20 people aged 13-15. According to her, it is very sensible and reasonable for me to provide "a bit" of alcohol, and for her friends to bring their own, to which I will turn a blind eye.

Some of these "friends" are people she has, strangely enough, never mentioned before (namely boys from the boys' school - hers is all girls).

I said I would be willing to have her (real, good) friends for an evening of doing what they normally do (singing loudly, make-up, pizza etc). At a very big push, I might let them have a glass of Cava. But nothing beyond that.

This produced a meltdown about how I'm the worst mother on the planet, Everyone Else's parents let them have this kind of party, Everyone Else's parents let them invite 50 people, never mind poxy 15, etc, etc. I told her that she would be having no party whatsoever if she carried on like that. She said she didn't care, and would hire a marquee, pitch it in the park, invite whoever she wanted, and that they would all bring their own alcohol.

I refused to argue, and merely said we could talk again about a party when she could be more sensible. At this, she huffed off and is now not speaking to me (has decamped to her father's - though if she thinks she'll get any further with him, she is very much mistaken...)

She has older siblings (which might account for some of the 'wanting to be "grown up"' stuff), though they just happen not to be bothered about parties, so this is the first time I've had to face this one.

Could those who have been there advise me, please?

I do not know how you didn't just burst out laughing and saying gosh you almost got me there .

Ahahahahaha.

Good one, DD.

As other posters have said, any alcohol would be a terrible idea. I would blow a gasket at the parent who provided my 13-14 with alcohol, in any form.

Definitely no. I know 2 families who have had their houses wrecked by teenage parties. One of the Mums was really unwell at the time - it was heartbreaking to see the damage done.

I’m a pretty laid back parent but even I would draw the line at 15-20 pissed up 14/15 year olds in my house!!

Actually I think your suggestion is pretty good!

Wow - thanks for all these responses. I didn't expect that many, and didn't expect them to be so supportive. You start to doubt your own judgement sometimes.

I know of one parent who allowed a party like this (DD was not invited, fortunately). She said last night that "loads of really sensible parents" have allowed this kind of party. I asked her to provide names and phone numbers. Needless to say, she refused (i.e. she couldn't). I also said I couldn't be responsible for other people's children (reminding her that they are still children, however grown-up they think they are) drinking, and that I would be hopping mad if she went to a 'bring your own' party.

I don't mind if she wants a handful of boys to come for pizza etc (though would like to know who they are, at least by name).

Sigh. My others were happy to do family things, even for "big" birthdays. Since when did 14 become a big deal, anyway?!

DD1 turned 14 a couple of months ago. Please rest assured that 'everyone else' doesn't have 50 people and booze at their parties. Can you even imagine the amount of puke there'd be at a boozy party full of 13/14/15 year olds with no sense of their own limits?

I think Everyone Else's parents would probably not be at all happy to find out their kids had alcohol at your house! 14 is very young, and some of them will probably still be 13! I definitely wouldn't.

My DD1 is having a disco in a hired hall for her 14th birthday and has not mentioned alcohol (not providing it or allowing to bring it).

I have never heard of this and all the parties she has been to have been under strict parental supervision, so I would imagine I would know/have heard etc

I think this is not normal or standard among 14 year olds, some might try it on but definitely not something I would condone, and I agree with no to a glass of anything either.

I know. The whole idea is hideous. And even if I wanted to invite a horde of people, we can only fit about five people in the whole house anyway...

14th birthday is not a big deal unless you are 14 and want a party, she is 2 years off a milestone birthday but hey you can’t blame a gal for trying!
I would convert the party to a hot tub party with girls friends (8 or so is plenty) mocktail making, disco lights and cool music. No party, no cava, no sick and no boys

Owner to a 14 yo here: no way, and those sort of parties are certainly not the norm around here/amongst the peer group. I'd set a maximum number (8?) and provide pizza/soft drinks/films and leave 'em to it. Anyone drinking would be out of the question: booze for someone's 13 yos is not a parental role, imo!

Sorry - my last was in response to Tolchock. Moving a bit fast!

DD is the last of her friends to turn 14. I did point out that nobody else has had that kind of party. One did hire a nightclub pre-opening time for a 'teens' session. At the time, DD said it was brilliant. Now she says it was rubbish. Seems she has not yet discovered that acting like a right madam will not get the results she wants!

She's also cross that whatever we do has to be cheap. Everyone Else's parents spends hundreds on their parties and so on.

Elderflower - hot tub idea is good. Thank you. She has mentioned hot tubs before. May be ruled out by price, but her DF might be willing to share the cost. I will investigate!

She is! You're being a good Mum. She'll thank you in the future! It's YOUR house.

My eldest will be 14 in July and sounds as though she's at a similar school. There's no way she'll be having that sort of party.

Have you tried saying that you need to "check" with the pastoral head at school that there's no issue with the alcohol - am guessing the request would disappear a long time before you got anywhere near the school!

Obviously she is "literally the only person in her class" to have a mother like you....!!!!!

Just for the record my dd is 13 some are soon to be 14. No one, as in not a single parent allows drinking or alcohol. The last party she went to one or two sneaked in some beer, but no one condoned or allowed this. My dd didn’t drink it thankfully but some girls did and felt sick.
I am quite laid back having been a wild teen myself but I would honestly not be impressed if another parent gave my dd cava without asking me, nor would I feel happy that my dd feeling obliged to drink it!! 🤮
Avoid at all costs!

GU24, yes, she is. I am the only mother who is out to ruin all the fun. I'm loving the idea of telling her that I might talk to the pastoral head. She has a horror of me going anywhere near the school and embarrassing her.

Thank you, Anne. Love your username, btw...

Totally agree with your stance - I know she's young, but she must know she's really pushing the boundaries with this. Only thing I wouldn't do is provide a glass of cava (I guess you were trying to reach a compromise) and you may find some parents won't want their kids having it anyway.

I've always been strict around alcohol. Despite DD's persistence I have not and will never supply it to other kids. No fucking way!
I have bought DD a couple of cans for parties from the age of 15 almost 16 and allowed her odd glasses of wine with meals. She almost 18 and hasn't really developed a taste for it and has only been drunk to the point of puking once that I know about.

Am also very much bearing in mind those who say no Cava. I am in two minds as it is. I was offering it in an attempt not to be a complete killjoy (and would have asked parents' permission), but can see there's also a good argument for not having it at all.

I found a really reasonable hot tub company and hired one with teen pack ( lights and canopy etc ) for 120. So not cheap but you don’t need to do anything else, it has a speaker for music, lights, they set up etc. Just buy some pizzas job done. for you ( not them!)

If it helps for my daughters 13th I hired a Hall, disco, photo booth, we had pizzas delivered. I provided soft drinks, Come, Fanta etc and jugs of water. One parent was so horrified she went drive to a local shop and returned with orange and black current squash and attempted to remove the coke etc. I thought I was strict her daughter was mortified. She ended up taking it home with her.

Come ! Coke ... (the drinking type)

We couldn't do that because of space, and no way would I provide or allow alcohol.

I would do my nut if another parent gave my 13 or 14yr old alcohol at a party (I wouldn't, I'm too British, but I would want to).

Underage drinking is a very personal thing and I suspect you'd find many parents who are either completely uncomfortable with it or would want to be supervising it themselves.

Definitely stand firm on this!