Party for 14 yo DD. AIBU, or is she?

[CamillaTurner]

DD turns 14 in a couple of months' time.

She has decided that the only possible party that will cut the mustard is a house party (at my house) for 15-20 people aged 13-15. According to her, it is very sensible and reasonable for me to provide "a bit" of alcohol, and for her friends to bring their own, to which I will turn a blind eye.

Some of these "friends" are people she has, strangely enough, never mentioned before (namely boys from the boys' school - hers is all girls).

I said I would be willing to have her (real, good) friends for an evening of doing what they normally do (singing loudly, make-up, pizza etc). At a very big push, I might let them have a glass of Cava. But nothing beyond that.

This produced a meltdown about how I'm the worst mother on the planet, Everyone Else's parents let them have this kind of party, Everyone Else's parents let them invite 50 people, never mind poxy 15, etc, etc. I told her that she would be having no party whatsoever if she carried on like that. She said she didn't care, and would hire a marquee, pitch it in the park, invite whoever she wanted, and that they would all bring their own alcohol.

I refused to argue, and merely said we could talk again about a party when she could be more sensible. At this, she huffed off and is now not speaking to me (has decamped to her father's - though if she thinks she'll get any further with him, she is very much mistaken...)

She has older siblings (which might account for some of the 'wanting to be "grown up"' stuff), though they just happen not to be bothered about parties, so this is the first time I've had to face this one.

Could those who have been there advise me, please?

That made me chuckle about the marquee! Good luck with that kid!
I'd take exactly the same stance as you. Except for the cava unless you knew their parents were all ok with that. Good to check so no one falls out with you as I know parents who would.
15 is a decent number of people. I only ever had about 6 and my parents knew them all and their parents by sight if not to speak to.
15 pissed young teens would be a nightmare though and someone is bound to puke on your soft furnishing. It would be a no from me.
It's refreshing to hear a parent put their foot down. So many are far too soft and let their kids walk all over them. Good for you!

Wow. Thank you, all.

Following me being SO HORRIBLE, SO MEAN, OUT TO RUIN MY LIFE, DD has just rung me to ask me to drive her to her DF's so she can carry on sulking there. Which is about on a par with asking for a poxy tenner (although ALL HER FRIENDS GET £100 PER WEEK) .

Some excellent points, here. Especially the one about water/squash bottles that may contain something contraband.

I am pursuing the hot tub idea now (with the chemicals).

Also excellent advice re them pushing further next time, whatever you agree to this time.

I am standing firm. Or will do when DD starts speaking to me again.

DSS is having a house party for his 14th. We've said he can have up to 20 people, ends at 11pm and no alcohol. To be honest the only reason he's allowed a party now is that this is probably the last age we can get away without allowing alcohol.
Stick to your guns & good luck

So my dn was turning 15 and decided to have a wee birthday party. Her mother ( my sil ) used the tiny village hall as she works for the parish church. Very sweetly hung balloons and daddy was on the door originally there to take coats (check for alcohol) well some bright spark put it on Facebook as a ‘free’ party. Within 20 minutes they had lost control of who was coming in (someone had opened the fire exit at the back) an hour in there were car loads of youffs arriving. Granny was doing the birthday tea noticed the profilic alcohol and general debauchery. By this time there was close to 200 people there and my poor sil had to call the police!! It was a huge embarrassment. The neighbours were all livid.
We still laugh about it now. It is a family legend. That said it cost 300 to replace two windows that were broken in the scuffle, and she couldn’t look the vicar in the eye for a good long while

I know some of my 14-yr-olds peers do so this tbh. He’s shown me pictures. It is the ones you’d expect it of tbh. There are some in his class drink down the park of a weekend too. Thankfully he’s way more sensible. The young ones I know from work don’t and never have been big drinkers either. I think it’s becoming quite unfashionable really.

I went to a very small house party at 16. We had some weak cider to drink and watched videos (yes, it was that long ago!) and that was fine. Nowadays, though, kids try to be much more 'adult' than we ever were so I think you were completely right to stand your ground.

wow i think shes trying it on. my dd is 14 and there is no way i would allow drinking alcohol in my house. i would also be furious if another parent gave her it too. i dont know any parents who allow any of her friends to drink at parties yet. at the moment its theme parks and movie nights.

My DD is 14 in August. Last year she had a hot tub party for 7 friends and Domino's.
She loved it but I didn't. Girls trailing soaking wet from garden to house, screaming, mess everywhere.
I can't cope with that again 😂 This year she's having a Frankie and Benny's evening out with 13 friends.
Thankfully she's my last teenager!

No way I'd let my 14 year old have that party either OP.
Good luck with her birthday. I have until 2019 till mine is 14.
I shall gather party ideas on here, Frankie and Bennys sounds like a good plan.

You're doing the right thing. Stay strong!
But I wouldn't give them cava or any kind of alcohol. I have a 13 year old and would be livid if somebody gave him alcohol.

I'm head of year 10 in a secondary school. I've seen these parties go very, very badly. One parent called the police on the hosts when there child got bladdered on the alcohol they provided. It was a mess. 14 is too young.

This thread has prompted me to search out the photographs of those days, thankfully pre camera phones.

My friend had parents that supplied her with a small case of Bacardi breezers from 15 on (I think). At her kids christening they were shocked to find out that wasn’t the only alcohol consumed. They looked like they were considering grounding at 36 year old women. I have never told my mother.

I think you totally have the right idea

Everyone Else's parents let them have this kind of party

'Well I am very pleased dd that you have alerted me to this so that I can be more careful in future about which parties I let you go to.'

Ha ha. Yes!

I am definitely staying strong on this one. Thank you, all, for moral support.

We have a massive binge drinking problem in the UK _ which doesn't exist in France/ Spain etc where children normally have small amounts of wine from a much younger age.

Really?, so there is no such thing as "(teenage) binge drinking" in the eu? So you can supply facts & figures et cetera from a reputable organisation which is recognised world-wide for the last 5 yrs. then.?

BTW I'lln't be accepting any antidotal (e.g. holiday) evidence.

I think this myth has been debunked hasnt it!? There is a huge problem with alcohol in France

YANBU. She’ll have nothing to look forward to if she does all this at the age of 14. She doesn’t need to get drunk with boys from another school. You might have some difficult conversations to come with her friends’ parents afterwards if they all get drunk & snog boys too.

Every party Ds1(14) has been to recently, there has been alcohol smuggled in. I have been very surprised.

Way back in the thread someone said Has she been to one of these parties that “everyone else” has? if she had I would be at the fact that she had. So madam hoist by her own petard!
I work at a secondary school and often hear bits about kid's boozy parties (because adults can't hear what they are talking about, obviously) and if you heard them you'd be organising something at the Whacky Warehouse!

Be wary OP. Your daughter goes to an all girls school, has lots of new male friends who are encouraging her to bring them over to her house where they will all be drinking. Your daughter is vulnerable to be being taken advantage of. I certainly wouldn't encourage a hot tub situation, bikini class situation with her and lots of hormonal boys.

If her father supports her idea, he can have it at his house. Right behind you on this. I would make one further offer and then if not accepted and more strops ensue tell her she will not have anything then.

Good luck with the marquee, how's she going to arrange that !!

I have a 14 yr DD too.. We're currently dealing with the everyone's parents let them go to the local nightclub on Fridays yeah right kiddo I don't think so !
In all fairness the "club" ( imagine a shed in a small sleepy village) does have the occasional teen night for 12-16 and no alcohol allowed, she has been to that, with her friend but back home by 12.
Parties so far have been okay, 4 friends, pizza and bowling quite often. My DD is coeliac so not only is she too young, but she can't drink really if she wanted to.
My Mum's an alcoholic and we have so little alcohol in the house, she has also seen first hand what it can do to people, enough to put her and my older son off ..

Good luck with it all !!

When I was a teenager and invoked the 'but everyone else is...' plea, my dad always said, 'name five!' I never could, of course.

I am precisely 12 years away from DD's 14th birthday, but think you're doing exactly the right thing.

Sit her down
You made a request and that request was denied. Your subsequent behaviour has just underpinned my conviction that you are not nature enough to handle the responsibility that type of party requires.
The offer of a pizza party still stands. However, the nightclub party offer is now withdrawn. The offer will be on the table for half an hour only after which, that too will be withdrawn. Have a think about it and come and see me in 30 minutes with an answer.
Then walk away.
No more alternatives. If she says yes alright then in another strop then tell her that is not the way she needs to get you on side to organise it so try again with less attitude this time. If the strop continues, look at your watch and tell her time is up. Is she going to discuss the details maturely? Then you can add that you are looking into a few things to make it special (don't mention the hot tub until you find out the details otherwise she will take it as read and start on one again). End of discussion for one night.
If the attitude persists, tell her the offer is now withdrawn and stick by it.