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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party for 14 yo DD. AIBU, or is she?

188 replies

CamillaTurner · 01/05/2018 13:49

DD turns 14 in a couple of months' time.

She has decided that the only possible party that will cut the mustard is a house party (at my house) for 15-20 people aged 13-15. According to her, it is very sensible and reasonable for me to provide "a bit" of alcohol, and for her friends to bring their own, to which I will turn a blind eye.

Some of these "friends" are people she has, strangely enough, never mentioned before (namely boys from the boys' school - hers is all girls).

I said I would be willing to have her (real, good) friends for an evening of doing what they normally do (singing loudly, make-up, pizza etc). At a very big push, I might let them have a glass of Cava. But nothing beyond that.

This produced a meltdown about how I'm the worst mother on the planet, Everyone Else's parents let them have this kind of party, Everyone Else's parents let them invite 50 people, never mind poxy 15, etc, etc. I told her that she would be having no party whatsoever if she carried on like that. She said she didn't care, and would hire a marquee, pitch it in the park, invite whoever she wanted, and that they would all bring their own alcohol. Hmm

I refused to argue, and merely said we could talk again about a party when she could be more sensible. At this, she huffed off and is now not speaking to me (has decamped to her father's - though if she thinks she'll get any further with him, she is very much mistaken...)

She has older siblings (which might account for some of the 'wanting to be "grown up"' stuff), though they just happen not to be bothered about parties, so this is the first time I've had to face this one.

Could those who have been there advise me, please?

OP posts:
goingonabearhunt1 · 01/05/2018 15:30

When I was 13/14 I had a friend whose parents took the view that they'd rather drinking took place under their roof than in the park etc. and so they used to host parties with copious amounts of alcopops and punch (weak obviously but still alcohol). No idea if they asked the parents first or not...also pretty sure their house was vomited in quite a few times!

If I were you I'd say no; my mum always allowed a small group of known friends over (as you suggested to your DD) and that sounds fair to me.

phlewf · 01/05/2018 15:37

Oh god. My friends had here 14th birthday in her houses. I can’t remember why but her parents were not present. My parents definitely didn’t think it was more than the usual pizza make up sleep over.

I can’t let my adult mind drift back to that party or I’ll be accompanying ds to parties at university.

I wasn’t a bad or wild kid but what I did at 14 i would be extrmemely disappointed in ds. So I am also a hypocrite.

Girls and boys round for pizza sounds like a great compromise. Especially if you can promise to stay out of sight (apart from answering the door, getting the pizza, finding your charger, checking if this is anyone’s coat etc, collecting the pizza boxes etc)

Definitely do not let them bring there own booze! We had a Smirnoff ice bottle which we refilled with vodka and a dribble of something for colour.

Lovemusic33 · 01/05/2018 15:44

My DD is 14 and none of her friends have had parties like this, none of them talk about drink.

I think your idea of letting them have a glass of something is fine but for them to turn up with alcohol and drink what they like is crazy.

DougFargo · 01/05/2018 15:47

According to her, it is very sensible and reasonable for me to provide "a bit" of alcohol, and for her friends to bring their own, to which I will turn a blind eye

for 13 to 15 year olds? I'd be pissing myself laughing at her hilarious joke, cos no way on earth could she think for a single second that such a plan was ever going to happen!

Rudgie47 · 01/05/2018 15:48

Stick to No way.
When I was that age people had house parties when their parents went away for the weekend or the night and left them.
There was usually some accident of some sort like the settee being set on fire or a table broken, cig burns on furniture etc.
Also kids ended up having sex with more than 1 person,and people were being sick either inside or outside the house.

Myse1f · 01/05/2018 15:48

slight derail: we've had hot tub hire for the last 2 birthdays of my youngest. Even for a weekend get the chemicals!
They said we wouldn't need them the first year as it's only 2 days. It stank, looked green and was generally foul.
The next year I insisted on the stuff (and monitoring it twice daily) and it was fine. We pay less than £100 for a couple of nights from a local chap who delivers on Friday morning and collects on Monday morning. Stick a gazebo over/round it, deliver mocktails, jelly shots and snacks at intervals and then leave them to it.

derekthe1adyhamster · 01/05/2018 15:50

My DS has just turned 15 and there is no way I would allow this kind of party, and i'm sorry, but if she tried telling me everyone was having parties like this I would tell her she wasn't going to any parties until she was 18 ( might make her rethink a smaller do!)

Pengggwn · 01/05/2018 15:51

She is being absolutely ridiculous and you would be very irresponsible to do other than what you are doing.

hmcAsWas · 01/05/2018 15:56

I have a 14 year old and a 15 year old. I will be allowing the 15 year old alcohol at her party at the end of GCSEs (by which time she will be 16)

I wouldn't have allowed it at a 14th birthday - she must be in Y9 right? like my ds). Nope. Just no

WeirdAndPissedOff · 01/05/2018 16:00

She's trying it on, or listening to those in her year who either exaggerate or have slightly more lax parents.
No DC yet, but since the ages of about 8/9 my Dsiblings have insisted that everyone their age:

  • Has an IPhone
  • Plays GTA
  • Stays up til midnight
  • Can stay round their boyfriend's house unsupervised (age 13)
  • Can drink at weekends (age 11/12)
  • Don't have to do homework until it's due
  • Don't do any chores
  • Get loads of pocket money
And have large parties with no parents.

And I'm sure I probably did the same too!

DM was having none of it, though. Grin

MissionItsPossible · 01/05/2018 16:00

My dad had a right go at my sister's friend's mom who let them have alcohol when they were 9 and the mom didn't think it was a big deal Shock

YANBU

hmcAsWas · 01/05/2018 16:00

And I should add at the soon to be 16 year olds party - it will be a couple of bottles of lager per head with checking her guests for smuggled alcohol on arrival (its okay - there are only a dozen good friends coming - they know the score and think its hilarious that they'll be searched; they know me and wouldn't expect anything else)

Gatehouse77 · 01/05/2018 16:00

I would say that DH and I have quite a relaxed attitude to alcohol because neither of us are big drinkers (I'm actually tee total but I put my hours in as a teenager!

All of ours have been allowed to taste alcohol and as they've got older have been offered on certain occasions.

That said, there is no way in hell we would allow alcohol at a party of 14 year olds. Nor would they have even thought of asking, to be honest.

AJPTaylor · 01/05/2018 16:11

Lol. Stand firm. Not happening in this lifetime.
Dd2 had a party at ours without our knowledge at 15. It was not pretty at all. Fortunately our lovely neighbours intervened.
She is a proper grown up with a job and everything.She hasnt entirely lived it down.

Cantusethatname · 01/05/2018 16:12

I fell for this one and it was dire. Never ever ever ever again.
If you want details of how dreadful it was I will pm you.

Apparently there is a difference between a party and a "gathering". A gathering is not so hellish. Could she have a gathering?

bengalcat · 01/05/2018 16:17

I take the view that I'm a liberal almost horizontal mother BUT 14years old house party of 15 - 20 with alcohol - NO WAY

Metoodear · 01/05/2018 16:19

I would say fine I love parties what time shall me and you dad be ready for 😬

I would imagine she may not be so keen with dad and mum dabbing to stomrzy 😬😬😬😬

scampimom · 01/05/2018 16:19

Oh my GOD you are so BU, are you just trying to RUIN her LIFE???

I don't know why you even HAD her, you clearly HATE her. She didn't ASK to be born. Everyone Else has unsupervised alcoholic parties, you're just being RIDICULOUS.

Can I borrow a tenner, though?

KERALA1 · 01/05/2018 16:19

Our neighbours gave in. "The party" is still the talk of the cul de sac a year later. It resulted in what seemed like the entire teenage population of our city converging on our little street. Police called to disperse. One of our neighbours an extremely gentle artist had a fight with a group of youths. It certainly livened things up but my poor friend was mortified

scampimom · 01/05/2018 16:20

Oh no, I think Metoodear has hit on something there. Say she can have the party of her dreams, but Scampimom (early 40s) off the internet will be coming to teach the youngsters some street dance moves.

justanotheruser18 · 01/05/2018 16:21

Hold your own on this one. I think she's way too young for those kinds of parties. 'House parties ' were becoming a thing with the year 8s I taught last year but they certainly weren't something 'everyone' was doing.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 01/05/2018 16:26

Can i borrow a tenner, though?

as if?!

NOTHING costs a tenner anymore.

Don't you know ANYTHING??

NCJaneDoeNut · 01/05/2018 16:28

scampimom

Are you channeling the teen spirit.Grin

WhatsForTeaaa · 01/05/2018 16:33

YANBU.

DS is 16 and luckily very sensible. His "friends" have parties quite a lot with alcohol, and end up getting drunk and vomiting. At one of their 15ths DS went (I was unaware of alcohol) and he phoned me an hour later asking me to pick him up. His "friends" have since gone off the rails.

Obviously my anecdote is an extreme example, however I don't think allowing alcohol at a teens party is a good idea. Of course you should teach your kids to drink responsible (allowing small bits occasionally) however that won't be the case at a party of 15-20 teens.

bettytaghetti · 01/05/2018 16:40

Agree that 14 is too young but perhaps you could modify this idea to suit or possibly store up for future birthdays?
When DS1 turned 18 he was one of the earlier ones in his year to do so & therefore would not have been able to do a party other than at home, as most of his friends wouldn't have been 18 yet and able to drink at a public venue. When he insisted that people were going to want spirits DH wanted to insist on being down there with them (we did the party in our basement) which was obviously not what our son wanted. God, dad you're so embarrassing!
As a compromise I bought a couple of these drinks dispensers and made up cocktails that worked out alcohol percentage wise about the same as lager, and then also bought some of the old fashioned milk bottles and straws to serve in. They were a big hit even with the boys. You could make them so low in alcohol they're more mock- than cock-tail. Maybe do something like fancy dress so that it takes the focus off the alcohol too.
We also hired one of those photo booths which meant DH didn't have an excuse to go down there and take his own photos. Grin