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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's impossible to make some homes nice?

315 replies

InteriorDespairer · 01/05/2018 12:52

I've recently begun trying to make my home a bit nicer- I live in a tiny one bedroom flat with a balcony with my DH, and try as I might to make it actually a nice place to be, it's beginning to feel like an exercise in futility.

Let's start with the bathroom. It has no windows, and a tiled floor- the builders did a crappy job of grouting the tiles, it comes out in huge chunks so there are loads of gaps, and there is some on the tiles which I just haven't been able to shift which means parts of the floor just always look dirty. The tiles are grey with a sort of grainy texture to them. It's a tiny room with no storage at all, I bought this little floor tidy to put things in as it was about the only thing that would fit, but the room still manages to look cluttered. One of the light fittings has never worked either.

We have a combined kitchen/sitting room with wooden floors which were poorly fitted so in winter/when its cold you can't move an inch without them creaking like crazy. The washing machine makes so much noise at times it's pointless trying to watch TV or pay attention to anything else.

We have floor-to-ceiling windows with no windowsills and cheap vertical blinds like these. Same in the bedroom. All the windows are south facing and the blinds are practically transparent so on sunny days it gets absurdly hot.

The furniture - DH bought the place before we got together and furnished it like a typical cash-strapped bachelor with chunky black Ikea furniture as far as the eye can see, and the world's ugliest beige sofa. The black furniture shows up every speck of dust and fingerprint, so sometimes it feels like painting the Forth bridge trying to keep it looking nice! We do have a lovely bureau which I inherited when my GPs died but next to all the black Ikea stuff it just looks odd and out of place.

The bedroom - also tiny, we have a (chunky black Ikea) kingsize bed, a massive wardrobe (same again), chest of drawers in front of the window and a small bedside unit.

Hallway - essentially just an empty space, occasionally occupied by the clothes horse. Not enough room for any furniture.

The balcony - also pretty small with a glass wall, impossible to hang anything from (unless I use cable ties) because of the flat, roughly 2-inch wide rail along the inside. We don't tend to spend a great deal of time out there anyway because of the kids who play outside and scream their heads off until about 10 p.m. and our downstairs neighbours whose cigarette and weed smoke comes straight up at us.

I just don't know how to make it into a nice home. I keep it clean and tidy, have tried not to clutter it up with too much 'decorative' stuff but it's just never a particularly warm or inviting place to be. I can't afford to start replacing furniture, I did buy a throw for the sofa but because the sofa cushions don't even fucking fit it just looked messy.

Does anyone else feel like this about their home? Can anyone make any suggestions from how I might transform mine? It's getting thoroughly depressing at this point.

OP posts:
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InteriorDespairer · 01/05/2018 22:04

Well, I just broached the topic of getting rid of the blinds with DH... among his responses were...

“There’s nothing wrong with the blinds”
“They were expensive and a gift from my parents, we’re not getting rid of them”
“Curtains will get in the way”
“I hate the way you always criticise this place”

When asked why he opted for expensive ugly blinds instead of curtains-

“My Mum said ‘we’ll get you some blinds’, I didn’t argue”

He’s now in a foul mood because “I’ve got bigger things to worry about than the fucking blinds”

OP posts:
InteriorDespairer · 01/05/2018 22:07

Oh- and he genuinely likes the sofa.

The thing is he sees my wanting replace the ugly furniture etc as criticisms of his choices- then he gets super defensive and digs his heels in even more

OP posts:
Kismett · 01/05/2018 22:14

That’s immature. Can he not accept that you have different tastes and that’s okay? There was so much orange in my husband’s home and he knew I didn’t like it. We kept curtains and such because we didn’t plan to stay there. We never fell out about it though. But good grief I never want to see orange in our house again!

I think rather than pick apart stuff in your home (like we’ve been doing), it’s time for a conversation. You need to talk about it being your home together and talk about making changes in general.

InteriorDespairer · 01/05/2018 22:20

My stamp on the place is things like the oven gloves and tea towels in the kitchen, my teapots above the cupboards, the chrome utensil holder (he used to use that horrible metal thing that’s now next to the sink) the candles on the tables. The sunset picture in the living room used to hang above the laundry baskets, and where it is now was formerly occupied by a photo of the Mets stadium. I bought the bathroom floor tidy and the basket thing in the shower (the bottles used to be perched on that shelf things above the bath and DH still leaves his shampoo there after almost shower Angry, the soap dispenser, cup thing for the toothpaste, loo brush and wax melt warmer. The bureau is mine but inherited, I didn’t choose it myself.

OP posts:
OohMavis · 01/05/2018 22:27

That's just practical stuff though. The flat itself is lovely but it looks like a bloke's flat whose girlfriend just moved in, not a married couple's home.

Do you think he will be this weird about you adding your own stuff in the new house?

M0RVEN · 01/05/2018 22:41

Ok so a PP is right. This isn’t a flat problem, there’s nothing that can’t be fixed there.

Your Problem is your DH, who seems to think you are a lodger who he has graciously permitted to put up some ornaments and buy some oven gloves. Not his wife who owns half the flat.

This is a symtom of a much bigger problem and I advise you to address it ASAP and not sweep it under the carpet. The amount of space and choice he has given you in “ his “ flat is the amount of space you have in his life and heart. It’s especially significant because you care about how the house looks and he doesn’t , yet he won’t let you change anything on principle or because his mother bought it.

Most men would be aware that it doesn’t look great but they lack the time or inclination to change it. So they would be happy to have someone they love make it look like a home.

But he’s the opposite, he’s fighting you at every turn.

This is a big red flag that you need to deal with.

In the meantime DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

leccybill · 01/05/2018 22:47

Hang on - you yourself have lived there for 5 YEARS?
Why are you still thinking of it as his place then, when he was barely there for 5 minutes before you moved in?
Get a bright floral bedspread on from George. Take that god-awful black student flat coffee table to the tip tomorrow. And go and buy your new cosy rug and pouffe. The golf course pic can be tipped aswell.

Put your foot down, he's being an absolute dick. It is your home too.
Can I ask a tentative question - everything all good in the relationship?

Mrsramsayscat · 01/05/2018 22:47

I completely agree with Morven.

InteriorDespairer · 01/05/2018 22:56

The thing is DH bought all the furniture when he didn’t really have much money, so it was the best he could afford doesn’t explain why it all had to be black though, even Ikea has other colours and now he’s sort of attached to it.

Did I mention he genuinely like the sofa? Bloody weirdo.

He’s happy for me to clean it, re-arrange a few things (within reason) and have my stuff here, but he doesn’t like me changing things

No danger of getting pregnant, we have no plans to make babies as long as we’re still living here. Where the fuck would we put it?! Grin

OP posts:
leccybill · 01/05/2018 23:00

'He's happy for me to have my stuff here'
YOU LIVE THERE
YOU ARE MARRIED
Your stuff is his stuff, and vice versa. You have an equal say in how your home looks.
Time to start making some changes.

OohMavis · 01/05/2018 23:02

He’s happy for me to clean it, re-arrange a few things (within reason) and have my stuff here, but he doesn’t like me changing things

Man I could not deal with that. Honestly it would be a dealbreaker! Maybe that's me speaking as someone who has pretty much decorated my house the way I like it (DH draws the line at mirrored furniture and leather sofas, but otherwise doesn't give a shit) but I just couldn't be happy feeling like a lodger.

It's your home and all you have is a mismatched desk and teatowels! Fuck it OP, start stealth-decorating. Gradually introduce new decor items and accessories.

"Is that a NEW CUSHION?!"
"No darling, it's been there the whole time"

It'll be the slowest episode of Changing Rooms ever.

Duck90 · 01/05/2018 23:02

Would his mum be upset if the blinds were replaced by curtains? Did she buy him the golf course picture?

Littleredboat · 01/05/2018 23:05

Can you sell your JL vouchers on eBay and use the money to buy some relationship therapy??

Only kidding. Sort of. But you don’t have a decor problem here, you have a relationship problem.

Your flat could be lovely. It’s light and I love the wooden floors.

If you can get your DH to stop equating his worth with black ash MDF, then go to JL together and buy some curtains, a couple of cushions and a rug for the lounge. Oh and a wall cabinet for your bathroom.

You do still have way too much stuff. But I don’t think you’re going to hear that, so I would start with the other stuff.

Good luck. If you get anywhere show us how it looks afterwards!

AjasLipstick · 01/05/2018 23:07

It's your home too. It's not just his choices which matter!

Tell him! No way would I accept that.

M0RVEN · 01/05/2018 23:09

He’s happy for me to clean it

Wow that’s gracious of him. I’d be happy if you would clean my house for free too.

OP I understand you have no plans to make babies . However pregnancies happen even without being planned ( sorry if this is a shock to you).

I don’t mean “ don’t Plan to get PG” . I mean DONT GET PREGNANT.

You have huge issues in your marriage which will be 100 times worse if you get PG. If you can’t change the curtains after 5 years , how much say will you get over your own body when it’s carrying his child ?

If you currently pay half the mortgage and do all the cleaning but can’t buy a rug, what will happen when you earn nothing ?

Crumblevision · 01/05/2018 23:10

Your DH doesn't like change, does he? As PP's have said above, the flat isn't the problem. . .

TheFlis12345 · 01/05/2018 23:11

He's happy for you to keep your stuff in the flat you jointly own as husband and wife, and clean it of course, as long as you don't change anything?!? Well that's big of him!

Doingreat · 01/05/2018 23:15

I agree with MORVEN.

Your husband is treating you like a guest. And you have lived there for 5 YEARS. Instead of decorating tips, you need to gear up for a hard and frank conversation about why he isn't making space for you in his life? Because not allowing you to have input into how your (plural) home looks like means he hasn't truly grasped that you have equal say in this matter. He gets defensive and sulky when confronted because the way things are suit him just fine. He doesn't want change. Well, it doesn't suit you. And he needs to hear that.

You're married. You were in a relationship for a long time before that. He needs to value your opinions as much as his own.

InteriorDespairer · 01/05/2018 23:16

I don’t think his parents would give a shit if the blinds went tbh. I know they did a kind thing in buying them but I’d imagine they just saw them as a means to an end.

He bought the golf picture and world map thin allllll by himself.

I think I painted him in a worse light when I said about him being happy for me to clean the place etc. He’s not that bad. It really is more a case of me saying “I don’t really like the chunky black furniture or the blinds, and man this sofa is ugly... perhaps we could replace them?” and him hearing “YOU HAVE AWFUL TASTE, I HATE THIS FLAT AND EVERYTHING IN IT AND I WANT TO TAKE OVER”

Also... how fucking expensive are covers for said fugly sofa?! I could buy a new one cheaper!

OP posts:
leccybill · 01/05/2018 23:20

Then buy a new one.
What would he do?

OohMavis · 01/05/2018 23:23

I think you need to stop seeing it as a permission thing.

Want a rug? Buy one, put it down.

Not asking him first is no more disrespectful than him refusing to let you have a say in how your home looks.

Duck90 · 01/05/2018 23:25

Well if the golf picture is not a gift it needs to go.

As others have said, there is no need to have a dvd collection anymore.

It’s a nice flat though. But he needs to learn to share.

Jamiefraserskilt · 01/05/2018 23:25

Go to a charity furniture shop and see what is available. British Heart Foundation warehouses are usually little havens for good second hand furniture.
Use the throw over your headboard to soften the look.
Line your balcony with pots and troughs. B &M have some nice ones. You can attach using cable ties. Wind a string of solar lights round the balcony rail
Visit markets to haggle for a big piece of voile to cover the window and see what Dunelm have in their end of line baskets for curtains.
Paint the frames funky colours
Put a rubber doormat under your washing machine feet to muffle the rumble
Buy end of line or offcut of vinyl for the bathroom floor.
Sprinkle talc down the cracks of squeaky floorboards or screw them down using a slight countersuit and fill the dip with coloured woodfiller
Put a funky mishmash of coat hooks in the hall and create a comicstrip of pictures all at the same height - need to be similar sized and coloured frames
Good luck

Lotsofsausage · 01/05/2018 23:59

Regrout bathroom tiles. Put a large cabinet on the wall to hide all the clutter. You guys really need to minimise your stuff. Ignore pps about putting ‘cheap colourful canvases’ and pedestals rugs under the sink- that looks cheap and tacky.
Black ikea furniture is a no no. Smacks of single man batchelor pad. Sell it and replace with the ikea white ones if necessary- you can buy coloured doors for them. Replace wardrobe doors with mirrored ones. Get one large laundry basket - those 2 look awful. The sofa is awful- I would replace with a mid century style and a couple of colourful cushions. Your tea pot collection does not work in that kitchen and adds to the clutter- consider putting it into storage or selling them. The tv corner is awful- dominated by those black CD towers (could they be mounted in the hallway?) move all the clutter off the top of the bureau. New coffee table - not black. New blinds. The windows, kitchen units and floors are all nice. It’s just filled with awful 90s mismatched furniture and clutter- I couldn’t live like that. More to the point, you’re not a guest- you live there- his attitude is the biggest problem!

Kismett · 02/05/2018 00:39

But surely it was a bigger change for you to move in with him?

I do think you deserve more than having someone carve out a small space for you in their life. You keep mentioning how he feels about it and how he is threatened by it but don't your feelings matter too?

I mean, you kind of do hate the flat. Your original post showed us your feelings on the subject. From an outsider's viewpoint, it's not that bad. So it feels like what's really making you unhappy is your lack of ability to change it. It's not impossible to make it into a nice home, but he's making it impossible for you to make it feel like a nice home that is yours too.