DH wants to go on holiday...without me!

[whatstheweatherupto]

Not really sure how I feel about this situation so wanted some unbiased opinions…

DH and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 3, 1 DC who is just about to turn 18 months . We have had our ups and down like all couples but are generally happy. The last couple of years have been a struggle as I don’t think DH was prepared for how much things would change having DC but we’re slowly getting through it.
DH‘s best friend is female. This bothered me when we first got together, as we were all very young and DH wasn’t very good at introducing us and wanted to keep us apart which made things worse, however after all these years I can honestly say that I have no issues with her, I class her as a friend as well and actually find it nice that DH has such a close friend. I have no trust issues with her as I know she Is not remotely interested in DH and has recently started seeing someone

DH and I do not get a lot of time together as we both work full time. He works shifts whereas I work Mon-Fri hours. We share pick ups and drop offs of DC as much as possible, although the majority of childcare and housework falls to me as DH struggles with sleeping being on a shift pattern. However his shifts does mean that every couple of months he ends up with a full 10 days off work. He also plays golf nearly every other Saturday and will use his annual leave to book days off around this schedule. He also plays football some Saturday mornings before golf for a local pub team so some weekend days he can be out from very early until late which obviously eats into the time we have together with DC.

At the end of last week he came home saying he had been talking to his friend and for the first time in years she has the some of the same time off as his (she also works shifts in a similar industry to him but they rarely seem to have more than 1 day off together) and that they have been talking and wanted to go away for a few days. He did ask me if me and DC would like to come as well but unfortunately I cannot have the time off due to work commitments so we wouldn’t be able to.

He told me how much they were looking to spend and then spent the majority of the weekend looking for holidays for them both and they are now on the verge of booking to go away for 5 nights.

For the record my issue isn’t him going away with his friend, its more the issue that he wants to go away and leave us for 5 days when we get limited time together as it is. Yes he would be just sitting around the house on those days off as I would be at work and DC at nursery but we would be back in the evenings and he would be able to pick DC up a bit earlier. There is also loads of work that needs doing around the house. It’s also his attitude to the money he would be spending. They’re looking at spending about £500 altogether (food, drink, airport parking etc) and when I said that could be put towards some new carpets in the house his answer was it’s his money, he works hard for it so he wants to enjoy it for a change!

Not sure what I am looking for her, part of me thinks he is being unreasonable, but then part of me does think he should be able to go and enjoy himself.

[mrscampbellblackreturns]

My DH goes away loads every year to pursue his hobby. I have no problem with it at all.

However I must not be very cool at all because I really wouldn't like it if he was going away with another female.

But you seem fine with that so as long as he is happy for you to go away on your own or do something 'equivalent' then I wouldn't have a problem with it.

[TomRavenscroft]

I don't really care about the female friend thing, but I'd calculate your free time and his free time and see if they match. I suspect they don't.

I'd also haul him over the coals for the 'it’s his money, he works hard for it so he wants to enjoy it for a change!' comment. Especially 'for a change' – WTF is that meant to mean?

[moreismore]

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here. My DH is in the forces and gets the opportunity to go abroad to participate in a team sport. These trips are part financed by his work but involve some of our money too. They are often toplaces we couldn’t afford a family holiday. I can honestly say that I don’t mind him going. That doesn’t make me a saint it just reflects the fact that I feel well supported when he’s at home and so don’t feel like I’m missing out IYSWIM.

I think the main issue to address is not the holiday, I think it’s the lack of family time in general. If that was balanced better you may find that this was a non-issue...

So YANBU but maybe refocus your ‘battle’?!

[3luckystars]

Absolutely no way.

I would be booking into marriage counseling to get back in touch with each other again.

This would be a signal to me that something was very wrong if he thought this was ok.


Good luck.

[chocatoo]

Definitely no. The only thing I would countenance is if she came on holiday with all of you. She's not much of a friend if she can't see the issue.

[HesterShaw]

I go away without my DH and vice versa. With sister, cousins, female/mixed friends.

However neither of us would go alone with a friend of the opposite sex. Really inappropriate.

[juneau]

I wouldn't have a problem with him going on holiday with a friend, per se, but it's his attitude that sucks. The 'I want to go off and enjoy myself FOR A CHANGE', that sits ill with me. Does he not enjoy spending time with you and the kids then?

Also, the money thing is wrong. His money? It's your money too and if he's going to blow £500 on holidaying with a friend then you should have the same amount to do with as you wish. Plus, if him spending that money on a holiday that only benefits him means that you can't afford new carpets then he's being a selfish arse.

His attitude is the problem here.

[Vangoghsear]

Say no! At this stage your very young DC and his immediate family should be his priorities. It is totally unreasonable for him to be thinking of spending that much money on a holiday for him and friend, rather than on something that will benefit you as a family. I would suggest listing all the reasons you think it is not on (much as you have in your post) and calmly and rationally going through them with him - repeatedly, until he gets the message.

[Kittykat93]

I must be really uptight because I wouldn't accept that. Not comfortable with him going alone with a female, not comfortable with that length of time leaving me on my own with a young child, and not comfortable with spending money that needs to be used elsewhere. But only you know what is okay for you.

[speakout]

I have no problem with separate holidays- I would have a big issue with my OH going on holiday with another woman.

This year as a family we are having:

Me and DD a week in Kos,
Me and OH- a week in Gozo.
Me and DS a weekend in Marrakesh.

[maxthemartian]

Oh good lord no. I'm clearly an uptight cow but there's not a chance I'd be okay with DH off on a coupley holiday with another woman.

[carefreeeee]

Sounds all wrong to me.

I would encourage him to have hobbies and friends and time away (money and time permitting). But going away with one female friend, when you said you've just been through a difficult time, is ringing a lot of alarm bells. Are they going to have separate bedrooms whilst they are away? This is how problems start in relationships. I wonder what her new partner thinks. Because most people wouldn't be ok with this, however easygoing they were.It's not about trust as such - people are fallible however good their intentions, and part of being faithful in a relationship is avoiding potentially tempting situations

If he was going with a male friend or a group it might be ok, as long as all else was fine and he was allowing you to also have time away or giving up some of his spare time for family things.

[TheDishRanAwayWithTheSpoon]

This whole situation is just a bit too far i think. I have lots of close straight male friends, nothing ever happened, no romantic/sexual feelings with any of them but I wouldnt go away one on one with them, it just feels a bit disrespectful to our DPs. I know I wouldnt cheat but I also know that it might make DP uncomfortable, and that its just a bit coupley and I love and care about my DP and i wouldnt want to make him feel like that. If I want 5 days away with someone I go with my DP.

I would be okay with a holiday without me if:
a) I also got the same time away
b) we were having a decent famiy holiday that year
c) we already did equal share of housework and DC
d) we already got plenty of time together and he wasn't off hobbying every weekend
e) he has spent plenty of time with the dc
f) we got some time alone together

I think with young dc it's just not really achievable, when the DC are older it might be something that can be considered, although I wouldn't be comfortable with just those two going. And I'm really not keen on the 'it's my money' line. I think he's being quite disrespectful of you. Friendships between the sexes can be entirely platonic but I still think it's important to keep boundaries

[Baubletrouble43]

Haha ..... no. Fuck off would be my answer. And thats nothing to do with the friend being female. Its because I suspect if you wanted to go away with a male friend and spend upwards of 500 quid having a good time thats what his answer would be. Am I right?

[Sleeplikeasloth]

I'm not sure wht your child can't go, because you are working. If they both go, then try to schedule a few nights out with friends etc whilst they away.

I wouldn't have a problem with this, as long as its not at the expense of some family holiday time together another time.

[littlepeas]

I think this is ok. The only aspect that would concern me is the female friend (and you said in your op that this didn’t worry you). My dh is often away on jollies with work (skiing, sports matches, that sort of thing) and I go away with friends once or twice a year - just before I went into mumsnet and saw this thread I was looking online at a week long Yoga retreat in Bali!! We have 3dc under 10 - we also go away regularly as a family. I suppose it depends largely on whether you both get the same opportunities to go away/have leisure time. But I would far rather spend £500 on travel than carpets, so I can see your dh’s point of view there too!!

[Lacucuracha]

He also plays golf nearly every other Saturday and will use his annual leave to book days off around this schedule

So he's too tired to do ha share pen housework and childcare but has the energy to play golf and football every other weekend?!

And what were you doing while he spent the whole weekend looking for a holiday to go on with his BF? The housework and parenting as usual?

OP, no way would I be happy with this. He can't take off that leave to give you a break.

When is the last time you went away as a family? What leisure time do you get for yourself?

And what is that crap about it his being his money? Does he mean the spending money you both get after all bills, rent isn't paid etc?

[Baubletrouble43]

He sounds like a wanker to be honest.

[waterrat]

er no. totally selfish.

As someone said - he could take his child out of nursery and spend some one to one time with him!

He could save the money for a family holiday.

He could do work round the house and give you a break.

Presumably you could take a day or two off and you could all have a few days off somewhere.

Sorry but he is stuck in 'single man' life in his head - I totally get the desire to run away from it all, we all have it - but he is a father and partner now and his faimly comes first. He needs to grow up.

[Baubletrouble43]

littlepeas the friend being female is the least bad part of this whole scenario in my opinion. Her dp sounds like a selfish twat in general.

[waterrat]

Just to add - I do think people should be allowed their own time - if he wanted a weekend away with friends/ a friend - then why not - I would encourage that. But not five days. It's just too much and too much of a burden on you.

Also - I konw everyone will say its fine but it is weird going away with one friend who is female - sorry but it's just a bit 'young' - like he wants to have a life totally separate to his family.

[Trinity66]

Also - I konw everyone will say its fine but it is weird going away with one friend who is female - sorry but it's just a bit 'young' - like he wants to have a life totally separate to his family.

yup

[LucilleBluth]

Not a fucking chance.

[waterrat]

ONe to one holiday with a woman - nice dinners together? days out enjoying sights just the two of them - for FIVE DAYS?!

I agree you guys need marriage counselling - that is a holiday / precious time he should be looking to spend with you!

[Dungeondragon15]

As you don't mind him going on holiday with a female friend I think it is okay as long as you will also have the opportunity to go away with one of your friends. Personally, I wouldn't be happy with the idea of my DH going on holiday with a female friend though. That isn't because I don't trust him, I would just feel that he should want to go on holiday with me, rather than some other woman.