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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH wants to go on holiday...without me!

342 replies

whatstheweatherupto · 30/04/2018 11:02

Not really sure how I feel about this situation so wanted some unbiased opinions…

DH and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 3, 1 DC who is just about to turn 18 months . We have had our ups and down like all couples but are generally happy. The last couple of years have been a struggle as I don’t think DH was prepared for how much things would change having DC but we’re slowly getting through it.
DH‘s best friend is female. This bothered me when we first got together, as we were all very young and DH wasn’t very good at introducing us and wanted to keep us apart which made things worse, however after all these years I can honestly say that I have no issues with her, I class her as a friend as well and actually find it nice that DH has such a close friend. I have no trust issues with her as I know she Is not remotely interested in DH and has recently started seeing someone

DH and I do not get a lot of time together as we both work full time. He works shifts whereas I work Mon-Fri hours. We share pick ups and drop offs of DC as much as possible, although the majority of childcare and housework falls to me as DH struggles with sleeping being on a shift pattern. However his shifts does mean that every couple of months he ends up with a full 10 days off work. He also plays golf nearly every other Saturday and will use his annual leave to book days off around this schedule. He also plays football some Saturday mornings before golf for a local pub team so some weekend days he can be out from very early until late which obviously eats into the time we have together with DC.

At the end of last week he came home saying he had been talking to his friend and for the first time in years she has the some of the same time off as his (she also works shifts in a similar industry to him but they rarely seem to have more than 1 day off together) and that they have been talking and wanted to go away for a few days. He did ask me if me and DC would like to come as well but unfortunately I cannot have the time off due to work commitments so we wouldn’t be able to.

He told me how much they were looking to spend and then spent the majority of the weekend looking for holidays for them both and they are now on the verge of booking to go away for 5 nights.

For the record my issue isn’t him going away with his friend, its more the issue that he wants to go away and leave us for 5 days when we get limited time together as it is. Yes he would be just sitting around the house on those days off as I would be at work and DC at nursery but we would be back in the evenings and he would be able to pick DC up a bit earlier. There is also loads of work that needs doing around the house. It’s also his attitude to the money he would be spending. They’re looking at spending about £500 altogether (food, drink, airport parking etc) and when I said that could be put towards some new carpets in the house his answer was it’s his money, he works hard for it so he wants to enjoy it for a change!

Not sure what I am looking for her, part of me thinks he is being unreasonable, but then part of me does think he should be able to go and enjoy himself.

OP posts:

Userplusnumbers · 30/04/2018 11:26

I don't think the issue is that he's asked for one 5 day break in 10 years - in fact it sounds like that isn't an issue at all.

It's the fact that every couple of months he's having 10 days off, and treating this and his weekends as leisure time, instead of using it to rebalance the division of labour you have.

I'd agree to it OP, but part of the agreement is that he needs to start picking up the slack when he's off work.

oakleaffy · 30/04/2018 11:28

Hmmm.....DS is married, no children, and he does go off for the odd four day trip with his mates mountain biking..his wife also goes off for the odd trip to follow her hobby..but your situation sounds very different.
Once a couple have children, one has to consider the family as a whole..my gut feeling is ten days is too long, and alone with a female friend?
DS would not want his wife going on a holiday with one bloke...and vice versa. 10 days is a long time, and that is not a cheap break either.

applesisapple5 · 30/04/2018 11:30

What bothers you, the time away and you being alone with your child, or the fact he's going away with his friend?

He could take the 18mo with them then you would have a nice break too in the evenings!

mummmy2017 · 30/04/2018 11:30

I would play him at his own game.... next time you can arrange it take a weekend break away from your family... when he is off....for his 10 days..... when he complains say well you did it.
Also leave loads of brochures around so he can see them...

Newtothis2017 · 30/04/2018 11:31

I wouldn't have a problem with this. In fact I think it can be healthy for everyone to have a break. I had 4 nights away with my friends earlier this year and plan to do the same next year. Let him go and arrange something for yourself with your friends. It is good for everybody

lindyhopy · 30/04/2018 11:31

I think he is completely selfish to even think that it is ok.

mindutopia · 30/04/2018 11:32

I think five days is excessive if you don’t often have that length of time for a family holiday. My dh and I both go away without each other every year (except when babies are small). He usually goes away for 2-3 days with friends or his db and I go away by myself (I prefer the peace!). Last year I spent 3 days in Barcelona alone and it was bliss.

But we don’t make it our main holiday and it is never more than what we’d spend together. To me, 5 days sounds like too long as we rarely get 5 days off together as a family for a holiday. I would expect him to only go away maybe 3 days and spend the rest of the time with us, maybe on a weekend away as well. So going away alone or with friends is fine so long as it doesn’t take away from a family holiday (he has time and money to do both).

Ebeneser · 30/04/2018 11:32

Personally this wouldn't bother me as I've been on several holidays without my partner (and one of the friends I went with on one is a man). He has been free to do so as well but hasn't got as much get up and go in him.
This was without children though.
Once our child is older, I will probably still go on holidays on my own. I know he won't want to come on anything remotely involving anything energetic (I like "adventure" holidays - cycling, skiing etc). He's also free to go on a holiday on his own (or indeed come with me, but I know he won't). I'm hoping once the child gets old enough to go cycling, camping etc that we could probably both go and just leave him at home!

Aprilmightbemynewname · 30/04/2018 11:34

He isn't simply having a separate holiday though is he? No mention of op getting a break, he mentions his cash, his enjoyment, his right, nowhere near the scenarios people are posting.

SleepFreeZone · 30/04/2018 11:34

I would happily accept that as long as I too got to go away on my own or with a friend for 5 days while he worked/looked after the DC

AnnUnderTheFryingPan · 30/04/2018 11:35

It would be a no from me.

It would actually be a ‘are you having a fucking laugh? No fucking way. Why do you even think this is any way, shape or form acceptable?’.

AjasLipstick · 30/04/2018 11:35

It would have bothered me when our DC were small as yours is. But not so much now.

oakleaffy · 30/04/2018 11:35

Sorry, misunderstood, 5 nights away...but as you both now are parents, it doesn't seem fair to leave one partner alone ''holding the baby''. Men can be quite selfish, especially when even one DC comes along [my ex husband!] ..It would seriously upset me if my ex DH had suggested this, especially if you spend little time together as a family.

Branleuse · 30/04/2018 11:36

i think i would be very weirded out by my dp going on a coupley holiday with a female friend, and he wouldnt like it if I did with a male friend. I find it a bit inappropriate tbh.

I trust my dp in many ways, but im not a fool either.

NordicNobody · 30/04/2018 11:36

Tbh if I was excited about the thought of a holiday and my dp said I shouldn't go even though I'd just be sat at home alone all day, and that we should use the time/ money instead to do housework/ buy new carpets, I'd be pretty gutted. I mean, it might technically be true/ sensible, but it's a bit of a depressing way to live.

Having said that, I think the real issue here is him not picking up the slack in general. I think that's what needs to be addressed first and foremost. I think the holiday thing is maybe just the straw that broke the camels back.

NapQueen · 30/04/2018 11:36

You cant go because of work so why doesnt he just take ds?

Luckyme2 · 30/04/2018 11:37

I would tell him you're gutted you can't join them due to your working commitments but DC can go so he needs to factor that in to the plans. That way you get a bit of a break as well. His reaction to that suggestion would say it all for me. Me and DH have been away for a couple of nights at most with friends (think hen and stag do's) but our DC are older and we do have plenty of family time together. The difference here to me seems to be the fact that you don't get much time together, it's 5 nights, your DC is very small and you're picking up all the slack so he can 'enjoy' his own money! I wouldn't be happy with that one bit!

ReanimatedSGB · 30/04/2018 11:40

How would he react if you said fine, have a lovely time but I will be having a holiday with a friend of mine, spending the same amount of money, on [whenever is manageable] date?

If he would be happy for you to do that, then there isn't really a problem. But it sounds like he might object, given what he said about the money being 'his' money. How are things generally when it comes to spending money on personal treats? Do you get to have a haircut, or buy a new pair of shoes just because you want them, rather than because you 'need' them, or do you have to account for every penny?

And what leisure time do you get (ie time when you are neither at work, nor looking after the DC, nor doing household chores) compared to the amount of time he gets?

Trinity66 · 30/04/2018 11:40

i think i would be very weirded out by my dp going on a coupley holiday with a female friend, and he wouldnt like it if I did with a male friend. I find it a bit inappropriate tbh.

I trust my dp in many ways, but im not a fool either.

I know, I can't believe most people are so ok with that. I do trust my DH but he would never even consider going away with just him and another female and neither would I with just another man. Both of us would be of the same frame of mind there that it would be disrespectful and wouldn't like it in reverse.

Spanglybangles · 30/04/2018 11:40

DD and I are going away this year without OH and DS as he is scared of flying and refusing to go long haul which is necessary as visiting family in US. So he has said he will spend time at home with young DS or maybe go away in the caravan with him while I go stateside with DD. This doesn’t sit great with me but OH is fine about it (was his idea) and is the only way it will happen, also means I get to spend time with older DD just us which we don’t get much opportunity for with DS being much younger than her.

If I’m honest I don’t know if I’d be that happy with what your DH is proposing though, at least not with the attitude he has about it all.

gingerbreadbiscuits · 30/04/2018 11:42

I would tell DH that you think it is a great idea for him to go on holiday without you. Him and DC can have some lovely bonding time.

Trinity66 · 30/04/2018 11:43

I would tell DH that you think it is a great idea for him to go on holiday without you. Him and DC can have some lovely bonding time.

I would be very very interested in hearing his reaction to that idea tbh, if he says no when he wanted DC to go if the OP was he basically saying he only wants him there if the OP is doing the child minding

FrozenMargarita17 · 30/04/2018 11:44

It's the fact you're being left with full responsibility to do everything while he gets to 'spend his money and enjoy it'. It sounds like he already has enough me-time to enjoy. When do you get a break to do a hobby or a day off from being a mum? Never, I'd bet.

vicviking · 30/04/2018 11:47

It would be a 'no' from me too. Would he be cool about you jetting off to the sun for 5 days with a male friend? Sounds all kinds of wrong. He should be spending a good chunk of that time hanging out with his small child.

bumblingbovine49 · 30/04/2018 11:47

My first thought was what gingerbreadbiscuits said
Send you 18month old with them and say that 5 days is too long but 2-3 days is plenty.:)

Also if there is any way you van take a couple of days off when he gets home from his trip with your DC, maybe all three of you go for a short break somewhere for the secoond part of his 10 day break

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