DH wants to go on holiday...without me!

[whatstheweatherupto]

Not really sure how I feel about this situation so wanted some unbiased opinions…

DH and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 3, 1 DC who is just about to turn 18 months . We have had our ups and down like all couples but are generally happy. The last couple of years have been a struggle as I don’t think DH was prepared for how much things would change having DC but we’re slowly getting through it.
DH‘s best friend is female. This bothered me when we first got together, as we were all very young and DH wasn’t very good at introducing us and wanted to keep us apart which made things worse, however after all these years I can honestly say that I have no issues with her, I class her as a friend as well and actually find it nice that DH has such a close friend. I have no trust issues with her as I know she Is not remotely interested in DH and has recently started seeing someone

DH and I do not get a lot of time together as we both work full time. He works shifts whereas I work Mon-Fri hours. We share pick ups and drop offs of DC as much as possible, although the majority of childcare and housework falls to me as DH struggles with sleeping being on a shift pattern. However his shifts does mean that every couple of months he ends up with a full 10 days off work. He also plays golf nearly every other Saturday and will use his annual leave to book days off around this schedule. He also plays football some Saturday mornings before golf for a local pub team so some weekend days he can be out from very early until late which obviously eats into the time we have together with DC.

At the end of last week he came home saying he had been talking to his friend and for the first time in years she has the some of the same time off as his (she also works shifts in a similar industry to him but they rarely seem to have more than 1 day off together) and that they have been talking and wanted to go away for a few days. He did ask me if me and DC would like to come as well but unfortunately I cannot have the time off due to work commitments so we wouldn’t be able to.

He told me how much they were looking to spend and then spent the majority of the weekend looking for holidays for them both and they are now on the verge of booking to go away for 5 nights.

For the record my issue isn’t him going away with his friend, its more the issue that he wants to go away and leave us for 5 days when we get limited time together as it is. Yes he would be just sitting around the house on those days off as I would be at work and DC at nursery but we would be back in the evenings and he would be able to pick DC up a bit earlier. There is also loads of work that needs doing around the house. It’s also his attitude to the money he would be spending. They’re looking at spending about £500 altogether (food, drink, airport parking etc) and when I said that could be put towards some new carpets in the house his answer was it’s his money, he works hard for it so he wants to enjoy it for a change!

Not sure what I am looking for her, part of me thinks he is being unreasonable, but then part of me does think he should be able to go and enjoy himself.

[apemanwoman1]

the relationship might change between what you think and do getting better or worse maybe you should give it a try having holiday, good luck!

[SpottedOnMN]

I'm going on holiday this summer with my best male friend of 30 years. His OH will visit her family while we're away. Crucially:

1. they have plenty of money for additional joint holidays together.
   
2. the reason we're doing the holiday next summer is that by next year they hope to have kids and it wouldn't be fair to leave her holding the baby.
   
   I get why he wants to go away, I agree that there's nothing romantic in it, but YANBU. Could they compromise by going away for 3 nights midweek so it costs less and you get family time together?

[apemanwoman1]

I still think you must stay with this man he is the father and sounds rather good to you but you you might think a little different but be patient! What are thinking now? i am on facebook if you want to talk more?

[Calmingvibrations]

I would hit the roof. Not an issue about female friend. Money would be a lesser issue than him saying it’s ‘his’ money. Wow. For me the biggest thing is the sense that he makes unilateral decisions that affect you. Him choosing to go away is him deciding for you, that you will be solely in charge at home with DC. It’s as if he still thinks he is single. I doubt you’d be granted the same option to go away.
You’re not working as a team. Seems he’s out for himself. Maybe he doesn’t realise how it makes you feel but if you explain it and then he still doesn’t care, that’s pretty damning. Not sure where you can go from there really. Take a 10 day holiday leaving him and DC at home next time he is off?

[Nanny0gg]

Totally different as they include their partners

[goose1964]

He does seem awfully self-centred.However I can't believe the number of posters who think because she's female they're having an affair. DS2 has a female best friend and they've been on holiday together, he says she's his second sister. He's married and totally besotted with his wife and son. They are still best friends and they get together with wife and fiancé in tow.

The holiday was before he was married but dating his wife

[Whatalovelymug]

I posted earlier about how my husband and I holiday separately at times, but more info has come to light since then. I think Tatiana’s last post is spot on.

[Adayindisney67]

How are you OP?

[pallisers]

So many reponses I agree with on this thread but this one by Helmet just sums it up for me

Nah, dh married me- part of that means he doesn't get long intimate drinking holidays with another woman. Sucks huh.

[BarbraDear]

I'd be asking him when his next 10 days off is and when he asks why, tell him because you are going away for 5 days and he's looking after the baby. See how that goes down then you can decide what to do/say about his upcoming trip.

[Resultreturn]

@TatianaLarina - that is the absolute truth, you are right!

[TatianaLarina]

The one person he should want to make sure has nice dinners and drinks is his wife. OP works, she looks after their child, she holds the fort on weekends while he goes to play sport. Why doesn’t he want to spoil her and spend time with her?

If he stayed home he could potentially take her out for dinner every night.

[MistressDeeCee]

5 days on holiday with another woman. Nice dinners and drinks and conversation together. Sightseeing.. sunbathing.. nightlife..happy relaxed and carefree on holiday. ,& I bet they'll talk about you too.

The whole thing is disrespectful. I only hear about these situations on MN. In real life I know no-one that goes on holiday with a friend of the opposite sex. A couples holiday with partner sitting at home? Nah.

You are a very nice woman OP, as I'd sabotage his holiday then he could fuk off anywhere he pleased with the woman who is just as much a creep as he is. Coupled with him not pulling his weight, any attraction to him would be killed stone dead, for me.

No matter what a man says to boost her ego, a woman who's the friend of a man who wants to keep her far away from his wife and his real life, has boundaries as slack as his are.

He's not 'present' in your relationship. Who does he think he is, some old player? He's making more effort for her than he is for you. Why can't you all go away together or are family holidays 'boring?'

OH and I have separate holidays every year, with groups of friends/family, then 1 holiday together.

I don't know how you'll get your DH to see sense given his entitled behaviour, but I hope he does.

[Adayindisney67]

Question?
Have they ever been romantic in the past?
Are they going to be sharing a room?

Is she that disrespectful she hasn't even bothered checking with you first?

[expatinscotland]

'Hi op, why don't you book a family holiday and invite his best mate and her boyfriend to that. That way you include her but on your terms.'

Sounds like she won't get a holiday at all, but why on Earth should she invite his friend and her boyfriend along so it's on 'her terms'? Eh? Then it's not a family holiday, either.

[expatinscotland]

'Probably for the exact reasons seen in this thread. He must have been worried she'd say "no way" and "fuck that", and he'd have to sling his long term friend because of his new partner.'

Most are saying that in response to the fact that this man doesn't do much of the childcare or housework because he works shifts and so 'struggles with sleep' but has plenty of energy to indulge his hobbies every week and prefers to fuck off on a piss up for holiday rather than spend time with his son and wife.

[Luckyme2]

This would bug me even more if the best friend hasn't been in touch directly with you saying she's disappointed you can't join them etc. If you haven't heard from her OP then that's just disrespectful in my view.

[veggiethrower]

People are quoting all sorts of examples of holidays they or their partners have been on without their OH - groups of friends, "hobby" holidays, someone's DH went away with his best friend who is a lesbian, a trip to listen to a band with two male friends etc.
These types of holidays are not comparable with the OP's 'D'H who is planning a holiday with his female best friend for 5 days. What are the sleeping arrangements and where are they going? Can't imagine them booking separate rooms - especially when the entire trip is costing 500 GBP - that's not a massive amount for 2 people for 5 nights with flights, food, drink, accommodation etc.
In a lot of places in Europe there are very few rooms with twin beds - most are either doubles or a large bed frame with two mattresses. They are most likely going to be sleeping very close to one another.
I think it isn't acceptable and that's before taking into account the fact he doesn't seem to be making much time for the OP and the DC in everyday life and they don't seem to be rolling in money as things need doing in the house.
He should be taking his wife and child away on holiday first or at least organizing some fun days out for them.

And I do think it is good to have some time apart from your partner from time to time but this situation stinks. Sorry OP.

[downthestrada]

As an occasional thing I think a trip away it's absolutely fine, different if he wants to go away a couple of times a year. There will always be something the house needs or something else to spend your money on but self care is important too and life is short. Of course all of this only applies if you get the same luxury, same time away and same spending money.

I agree with this, but in this situation the DH is not doing his fair share in the house or with childcare. Surely, all the home issues should be sorted first. Here, they could both have their time away but the OP is still left with managing everything and he gets to go to hobbies and only worry about himself.

And, it appears that he's putting more effort into spending time with his friend rather than his family.

[clumsyduck]

Hmm I have no issues with the odd seperate / kid free break away to be honest

But if I'm being totally honest I couldn't get on with this because she's a woman who he seems to be putting more effort into spending time with than you

[PaulHollywoodsSexGut]

Has your husband ever been in a relationship or even had a ONS with this friend @whatstheweatherupto ?

[Jayne35]

As long as you are free to book a similar length break away with friends while he looks after DC then I don't see a problem.

If you completely trust that they are just friends then I wouldn't see an issue with him going with a female either.

My DC are adults so no childcare issues but DH and I do something separately every year, usually only a long weekend but he is going abroad for a week this year, unfortunately I have no holidays left but I'm looking forward to booking a week away with friends next year.

[GertieMotherwell]

helmet

[GertieMotherwell]

I agree helmut
It can also wane with time/distance

[Helmetbymidnight]

I'm always surprised when people say 'You either trust them or not' Or 'There is either attraction between them or not.'

For me, both trust and attraction ebb and flow. In fact, when it comes to attraction, for most people, I think, it is not fixed, but grows with time/proximity.