DH wants to go on holiday...without me!

[whatstheweatherupto]

Not really sure how I feel about this situation so wanted some unbiased opinions…

DH and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 3, 1 DC who is just about to turn 18 months . We have had our ups and down like all couples but are generally happy. The last couple of years have been a struggle as I don’t think DH was prepared for how much things would change having DC but we’re slowly getting through it.
DH‘s best friend is female. This bothered me when we first got together, as we were all very young and DH wasn’t very good at introducing us and wanted to keep us apart which made things worse, however after all these years I can honestly say that I have no issues with her, I class her as a friend as well and actually find it nice that DH has such a close friend. I have no trust issues with her as I know she Is not remotely interested in DH and has recently started seeing someone

DH and I do not get a lot of time together as we both work full time. He works shifts whereas I work Mon-Fri hours. We share pick ups and drop offs of DC as much as possible, although the majority of childcare and housework falls to me as DH struggles with sleeping being on a shift pattern. However his shifts does mean that every couple of months he ends up with a full 10 days off work. He also plays golf nearly every other Saturday and will use his annual leave to book days off around this schedule. He also plays football some Saturday mornings before golf for a local pub team so some weekend days he can be out from very early until late which obviously eats into the time we have together with DC.

At the end of last week he came home saying he had been talking to his friend and for the first time in years she has the some of the same time off as his (she also works shifts in a similar industry to him but they rarely seem to have more than 1 day off together) and that they have been talking and wanted to go away for a few days. He did ask me if me and DC would like to come as well but unfortunately I cannot have the time off due to work commitments so we wouldn’t be able to.

He told me how much they were looking to spend and then spent the majority of the weekend looking for holidays for them both and they are now on the verge of booking to go away for 5 nights.

For the record my issue isn’t him going away with his friend, its more the issue that he wants to go away and leave us for 5 days when we get limited time together as it is. Yes he would be just sitting around the house on those days off as I would be at work and DC at nursery but we would be back in the evenings and he would be able to pick DC up a bit earlier. There is also loads of work that needs doing around the house. It’s also his attitude to the money he would be spending. They’re looking at spending about £500 altogether (food, drink, airport parking etc) and when I said that could be put towards some new carpets in the house his answer was it’s his money, he works hard for it so he wants to enjoy it for a change!

Not sure what I am looking for her, part of me thinks he is being unreasonable, but then part of me does think he should be able to go and enjoy himself.

[AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight]

'I would tell him you're gutted you can't join them due to your working commitments but DC can go so he needs to factor that in to the plans. That way you get a bit of a break as well. His reaction to that suggestion would say it all for me.'

This.

I get that he wants a break (don't we all?) but five days is too long to swan off and do his own thing, without even spending a tiny bit of that time making your life easier, when you have a small child at home. Especially because it seems he gets plenty of leisure time already.

Then there's the money. We're fairly comfortably off but I have recently ditched the idea of a long weekend doing my hobby, which would have cost a similar amount of money, because there are other things that need doing/getting first and I don't want our savings eaten into too much if possible.

And finally, I think going away like that with another woman, for 5 days, spending money and leave on it, is a bit inappropriate, tbh, and I'm usually really relaxed about friends of the opposite sex.

[Shadow666]

Gosh, I’d be really tempted to send him off with the 18-month-old for 5 days, just so you can have a break from the daily grind of things.

I do think it’s odd he’s going with a woman. I also think it’s a lot of money.

[BlackBetha]

I would not be comfortable with my husband going on holiday with another woman. A mixed group of friends would be one thing, but just the two of them... no. It seems inappropriate and disrespectful to you.

Especially if money is tight and this means you won't get a holiday this year, or have to live in a half-finished house.

[speakout]

I know she Is not remotely interested in DH and has recently started seeing someone

Yeah right.

OP your OH is having an affair right under your nose.

[Starryskiesinthesky]

I dont see the problem as long as you can afford it. Life is for living! Id make sure i did something nice too though.

[CocoaGin]

My DH goes away regularly with his hobby, it truthfully never bothers me as I quite like being left to get on with it and he works so hard I could never begrudge him having down time.

It wouldn't be an issue for me, but I'd expect him to do something nice with me and the kids on his return.

[glenthebattleostrich]

He's really got it made hasn't he?

I'm guessing you works similar hours to him but do the majority of the housework and childcare. I'm also going to hazard a guess that you do the majority of the wife work - birthdays, Christmas, planning of family time etc?

And he thinks you are unreasonable to object to his swanning off and abdicating responsibility (again) for the house, for his child, for the family.

I would not put up with that to be honest.

And this isn't about the poor lamb having his separate holiday, this is about the totally unfair division of labour in the family.

[PercyPigAddict]

Just from your title it was obvious that your DH is a selfish arse of a manchild. The fact he wants to go on holiday with another woman takes it up to "what the actual fuck?" levels of madness.

I know mumsnet is full of cool wives who are totally fine with their husbands having female best friends who they have cosy dinners and days out with, but in my eyes it's utterly bizarre! Imagine chatting to a couple at a bar and discovering he has a family at home and he's just come on holiday with his "friend". Wouldn't it strike you as a bit odd?

The fact your DH was cagey about introducing you to start with is a red flag too - she may be very nice, but if he had only ever had 100% platonic thoughts about her, he would have introduced the two of you with no more awkwardness than when you met his male friends. In a nutshell, it's not weird to have friends of the opposite sex but it is weird to do coupley things together when you're alone with them. What does her new partner think of this situation?

But all of that is by the by - the issue is him going away without you. When you get married and have kids, you have to accept the fact you can't have the same lifestyle you had as a singeton. He's not thinking of you as a family unit and that's a worry.

Definitely suggest he takes your dc with him. From his reaction to that you can decide how to proceed. Good luck!

[pinkdelight]

I'd be fine with the holiday. I went away when my DS was the same age and my DH looked after him for a week with some help from my folks. I don't think carpets compare to some quality life experiences really. That said, there's no way I'd put up with all that golf etc without having the equivalent leisure time so an agreement has to be made that he'll do more in general if he's having this special break.

[Joanna57]

I wouldn't have a problem with this at all.

I used have a 2 week holiday away, all on my own. I loved it.

DH used to have a couple of 3/4 day fishing trips away in the same year.

It is good to have time away from each other and the drudgery of every day life.

Let him go, then plan something similar for yourself.

[2rebecca]

No. We have occasional separate holidays but the kids are now grown up and the holidays are hobby related or family eg me going with my dad or kids him going with (mainly male) cycling friends.
My husband going on hol with 1 woman just wouldn't happen especially when he's talking about enjoying himself for a change.
Maybe you need a holiday together for a few days with grandparents looking after the toddler. It sounds as though he is opting out of his family commitments and wants to be single again.

[waterrat]

Lots of people go away for 'hobby' type weekends - playing football/ skiing with mates/ drinking with old buddies- but this is none of those things.

The point about those holidays are that they are different to 'couple' and family type activities. They allow us all to enjoy a bit of space as ourselves still.

The DH here is having a one to one 'romantic' type holiday - with a woman who isn't his wife! This is a holiday he could just as easily do with his actual wife - if he waited/ planned/ prepared for it.

[redfairy]

My issue wouldn't be with holidaying separately as me and DH do this quite often. Balanced with a joint holiday too. My issue would be with him choosing to go on holiday with another woman. Trust or no trust.
Do you have any other holidays booked together? Has he just assumed you're going to have the kids? Or is he planning on taking them with him. I bet not!
Tell him you're planning a jolly with Mike from Finance.

[Shadow666]

I think it would be totally different if he was usually an involved dad by the way.

[greenlynx]

He wants for a change enjoy his money??? And it means not spending time with your wife and child but going on holiday with another woman???
It's not a question of could partners go on holiday separately, it's very different situation. And not a nice one for me.

[C2205]

Flip it around on him...... Tell him you're very happy for him to go etc etc - but you're giving him a heads up now that later in the year you'll be using some of your holiday to go away with the girls/a sister/your mum/a stranger for a short break so he'll need to look after DC.
If he complains about it just say you never thought about it but him doing it gave you the idea that there's no reason in the world that you can't do it too!
What's good for the goose is good for the gander as they say xx

[Onlyoldontheoutside]

I hope he's also organising child care and pickups in place of those he normally does or are you supposed to just cope with those too.
When exh and I were together we eventually did a separate break a year each,mostly seeing parents so me and DD to Mt parents and him to his parents only with DD if in school hols.
I just learned to embrace the break once I'd mastered childcare issues.OH worked from home so I really enjoyed having the house to myself.

[Whatalovelymug]

My husband and I do this. He’s going on a two night city break with friends soon. (We have a 4 and a 5 year old and I’m pregnant). I’ve been away for a couple of nights a few times. However, we also holiday together.
5 nights is quite a long time, i also think him taking your child would be nice, but I completely understand why he’d prefer to holiday sans child. It’s 100% more relaxing. The comment about money is shit though, I’m a SAHP and I still go away. It’s our money.

[Xocaraic]

Your post says " He did ask me if me and DC would like to come as well but unfortunately I cannot have the time off due to work commitments so we wouldn’t be able to. "

You can't go...there is nothing stopping him taking your child.
In fact, I would actively encourage it... would make it a condition of travel.

You are being treated like a mug. Put on your big girl pants and say what you want and how you want it.

As children are always being told in personal safety lessons, if it feels wrong, it's is wrong!

[CoraPirbright]

My dh has been away without me with a small group of friends or family to either do a hobby that I dont do or an activity I hate! It’s totally fine imo. He works terribly hard with long hours and I know that if/when I ask for the same, I will get it.

What really sticks out to me, though, is the Saturday football/golf thing. Golf is really long - he must be away for hours which is a large amount of family time. This is really selfish.

I think that some men get married and have children as they want to be that family unit and want to be together. But some other men continue as single in their minds and view the wife and kids as an encumbrance and an obstacle to what they want to do. Think your dh is the latter.

[Starfish28]

Wow, I honestly can not imagine in scenario where I would see this as acceptable for my partner to do. He has a young child - why on earth wouldn't he want to prioritise spending time with his child? I just find it really sad in this day and age that he thinks it's so acceptable to be so selfish. He already has a lot of time to pursue his own activities. I'm presuming using leave to play golf leaves him with this time off for you to have a family holiday?
I'm really interested to understand what you get out of this relationship OP? It sounds like you do everything?

[recklessgran]

OP, he sounds really awful. Do you have a male friend who you could go away with for a few days leaving DC with him? You also work hard and need a break from HIM and DC.

[IfNot]

Yeah, if it was my DP he could totally go, as long as he didn't mind going without his knackers.

[PicaK]

So he's using up his holiday time to play golf on weekends. So you're doing childcare then and while he works his shift pattern in the week.
You really don't seem to have equal time off from work/childcare/housework.
That's what's wrong here. The holiday is a red herring.

[sparklyglitterball]

My dp and I have been away separately with friends for a long weekend each since having DC. I think it's healthy to have our own friends/interests. But we've made sure it's been an equal balance. After all the bills and mortgage is paid, we have an allowance each which is a bit of spending money for our stuff that we do when not spending time as a family, such as lunches out with friends whilst the other has the DC. What sounds dodgy in your situation is your DH spending so much time on his own hobbies at a time he could be spending as a family. Could he not fit them in when DC are in bed instead of weekends? Also, if you agree to this holiday, I would suggest that you plan a similar break of your own spending a similar amount of money. And get him to do the work on the house during his next ten day stint off work!