DH wants to go on holiday...without me!

[whatstheweatherupto]

Not really sure how I feel about this situation so wanted some unbiased opinions…

DH and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 3, 1 DC who is just about to turn 18 months . We have had our ups and down like all couples but are generally happy. The last couple of years have been a struggle as I don’t think DH was prepared for how much things would change having DC but we’re slowly getting through it.
DH‘s best friend is female. This bothered me when we first got together, as we were all very young and DH wasn’t very good at introducing us and wanted to keep us apart which made things worse, however after all these years I can honestly say that I have no issues with her, I class her as a friend as well and actually find it nice that DH has such a close friend. I have no trust issues with her as I know she Is not remotely interested in DH and has recently started seeing someone

DH and I do not get a lot of time together as we both work full time. He works shifts whereas I work Mon-Fri hours. We share pick ups and drop offs of DC as much as possible, although the majority of childcare and housework falls to me as DH struggles with sleeping being on a shift pattern. However his shifts does mean that every couple of months he ends up with a full 10 days off work. He also plays golf nearly every other Saturday and will use his annual leave to book days off around this schedule. He also plays football some Saturday mornings before golf for a local pub team so some weekend days he can be out from very early until late which obviously eats into the time we have together with DC.

At the end of last week he came home saying he had been talking to his friend and for the first time in years she has the some of the same time off as his (she also works shifts in a similar industry to him but they rarely seem to have more than 1 day off together) and that they have been talking and wanted to go away for a few days. He did ask me if me and DC would like to come as well but unfortunately I cannot have the time off due to work commitments so we wouldn’t be able to.

He told me how much they were looking to spend and then spent the majority of the weekend looking for holidays for them both and they are now on the verge of booking to go away for 5 nights.

For the record my issue isn’t him going away with his friend, its more the issue that he wants to go away and leave us for 5 days when we get limited time together as it is. Yes he would be just sitting around the house on those days off as I would be at work and DC at nursery but we would be back in the evenings and he would be able to pick DC up a bit earlier. There is also loads of work that needs doing around the house. It’s also his attitude to the money he would be spending. They’re looking at spending about £500 altogether (food, drink, airport parking etc) and when I said that could be put towards some new carpets in the house his answer was it’s his money, he works hard for it so he wants to enjoy it for a change!

Not sure what I am looking for her, part of me thinks he is being unreasonable, but then part of me does think he should be able to go and enjoy himself.

[montenotte]

only ok if you can go off for 5 days and leave him to do everything!

if the family/household can't afford both trips, then NO

[Notasunnybunny]

I’m sorry but this is not appropriate imo. I think the ‘it’s ok to have close friends of the opposite sex’ brigade are right BUT I think it’s important to be sure to behave in a certain way around those friends to avoid misunderstandings from any party. One to one couple type holidays with ‘friends’ are not in the appropriate behaviour category. It’s ok to do stuff as individuals but in this instance I would not be happy. This is very different to the ‘going away with a group of friends’ type scenarios people are offering up as comparison. I’m amazed they expect you to be ok with it.
FWIW I know a married man who goes on holiday with a female ‘friend’, his wife insists all is above board. I know for a fact they are conducting an affair. His children have issued numerous ultimatums to no avail, no one wants to be the one to shatter her world.
In life I have found if it quacks like a duck it is normally a duck.

[halfwitpicker]

Time to find a male friend op.

[HollowTalk]

No way on this earth would I tolerate that.

And if your son is in nursery when he's off work, why doesn't he take him out and have a lovely time with him on his own?

Quite frankly he doesn't sound invested in your family, OP, I'm afraid. And yes, I do think it's likely an affair would start on holiday.

[Mookatron]

I go off on holidays alone quite often. So does DH. It's bloody lovely.

However if it's not ok with you, it's not and you shouldn't say it is.

I know this is an unfashionable opinion but I would not be happy about the female friend aspect. But I'm a jealous person. I'm not saying that's ok but jealousy feels horrible.

[MissP103]

No way would this be ok with me and I can say quite honestly especially as she is female. Im not going to play the cool wife as its expected on here. I wouldnt accept this. He gets 10 days every so often to do with as he pleases so its not like he doesnt get a break. A big fat no from me.

[FridayThirteenth]

DH and I have had holidays separately since having kids. I actually think it's important to have some time to yourself just to be you, away from daily stresses if you can get the chance to do it.

But we make sure this is an opportunity we both get (we are both away for 4-5 nights with friends this year) and we make sure we have the time to do it AFTER all childcare issues (inset days etc) are shared out equally.

What would his reaction be to the suggestion that you go away with your friends for an equal amount of time and he picks up the childcare slack? Is this even possible with his shift work?

If not, then I don't think this is on.

Speak to him in a calm adult way about how he will facilitate the same break for you. His reaction will speak volumes.

[Nquartz]

He's really got it made hasn't he?

I'm guessing you works similar hours to him but do the majority of the housework and childcare. I'm also going to hazard a guess that you do the majority of the wife work - birthdays, Christmas, planning of family time etc?

And he thinks you are unreasonable to object to his swanning off and abdicating responsibility (again) for the house, for his child, for the family.

I would not put up with that to be honest.

And this isn't about the poor lamb having his separate holiday, this is about the totally unfair division of labour in the family.

This, totally. He sounds really selfish, and like he is hardly involved with family life at the weekends currently and now wants to swan off and spend "his money".

Someone has raised the point of the drop off/pick ups he usually does that he will miss, will you be expected to pick up the slack? Does he pick up extra stuff (housework etc) on his 10 days off? Or is that time used for his leisure activities as well?

[insideoutsider]

I MUST be able to go away on my own on holiday once a year - without children or husband / partner. And yes, I want to be able to enjoy some of the money I've worked for in whatever way I choose. I want the same for my partner too. Unfortunately, I'm divorced and single so I have to go through great lengths to sort care for the kids while I take some time off from life. If I had a partner, it would be so much easier.

The only question I have here is if the OP is able to take that time off too to enjoy her own time in whatever way she chooses.

For me, the problem comes where one partner thinks their partner must enjoy nothing without them, think of nothing but them and spend no money without consulting them. Even with kids, I am my own separate human being with my own mind - it's not unkind to know that.

[Fflamingo]

Her bf is ok with this? Does DP know bf well, and bf is fine?
If bf doesn't know you or DP I doubt it's very serious with DPs friend. So I'd have suspicions about this coming at a time that you and DP are busy with a small DC.

[Charlie97]

It's not the going away, it's the lack of time he "gives" full stop! He should be doing his fair share during his 10 break, not leaving you with a further burden.

Has it been booked? Will he sulk for the 10 days if he doesn't go?

Can you have a frank conversation?

I think if you can't and he's not able to see your side then it's an issue.

Good luck 💐

[pallisers]

Imagine chatting to a couple at a bar and discovering he has a family at home and he's just come on holiday with his "friend". Wouldn't it strike you as a bit odd?

This really sums it up. I have male friends and Dh has female friends but I wouldn't be happy with either of us going away with just one for 5 days. Maybe if it was to do a shared hobby I might feel differently but just to have a nice break together - I would feel very uncomfortable with that.

In general I think a few days away without your spouse is fine although when ours were that young we didn't really do it as we thought it was unfair to the one left behind.

[BluebellCockleshell123]

i wouldn't have a problem with DH going away with a friend for a few days IF

1. I also had the opportunity to go away
   
2. The money spent was not impacting on family life or family holidays
   
3. We spent a reasonable amount of time together as a family during the week / weekends
   
   I don't think I would be happy about it in your situation. And especially wouldn't be happy about his comment about it "being his money"

[SomeKnobend]

First of all, no fucking way, obviously!
Secondly, why was the invitation you and the kids, but when you couldn't go suddenly taking the kids was completely off the table? I'd still be a no from me tbh, and I'd be pissed off he even considered it, but this just takes the piss beyond pisstaking. Were you only invited as babysitter anyway?
I'd be having a very serious talk about the state of the relationship in this situation.

[GabsAlot]

does he do anything with you? long days playing football and golf then moans that its his money and he wants to enjoy it

"for a change"

sounds like he hasnt changed his lifestlye since having a child andx is resentful

[pallisers]

I think it interesting too that he suggested you and dc come but not that he took dc by himself. He clearly regards you as primarily responsible for minding your 18 month old.

[Astrabees]

DH and I do one "proper" holiday every 3 years apart. I go riding and he goes climbing. It is very beneficial for us. As you don't mind his friend being female why don't you agree to this on the basis you will have 5 days to yourself to go away later in the year? You could do a course on something you enjoy, go to a spa, anything really. That deals with all the objections about money, as you would be doing the same.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I would add up how much annual leave he has used for his hobbies. How much time he spends on those hobbies and how much time he spends doing childcare and housework.

Also add up how much of the family budget he has spent on those hobbies e.g. club fees, equipment etc.

Do the same calculations for yourself then ask him what is going to change to make it fair.
He is not a single bloke and he has to compromise so you both get time and money to do what you want.

[FizzyGreenWater]

What the fuck?! No.

I would be assuming that on those infrequent ten days he enjoys finally having the time and energy to pay back all that extra load you carry, and do loads of housework, cooking, DC care etc, so you can have a few days chore-free? No?

As for 5 days away leaving you with all the shit instead of most of it, spending a whack of family money all on himself? No.

Not in a million fucking years.

[Yorkshirebetty]

How does her boyfriend feel about this?

[Luckyme2]

Just a thought - as you said you class her as a friend as well - has she rung or texted you either to ask if you can come too or to say she's gutted you can't make it? Knowing you've got a small DC I think that would be the nice thing to do in this situation

[youthrewmysandwichAWAY]

Don't see an issue. I'd love to go away alone. I'd personally never ask to go away with a male friend though i think it's just weird but hey whatever works for you.

[FilledSoda]

Well if you separate you can get 50/50 custody and then at least you can get a break.
I wouldn't say a thing about his holiday plans , not one word , but I'd be emotionally checking out.
He shouldn't want to go, that's the point

[BlueBug45]

There may be families that operate like this happily. But only when both have time and can afford to. I suspect they don't have small children either.

Oddly enough I have two sister-in-laws who use to and still go on holiday without my brothers' for a week or more both with and without their children. They started doing this from when their youngest child was 4, though all the children are now grown up. They did this simply because my brothers' don't like doing the same things on holiday as them plus they had more holiday from work. However neither of my sister-in-laws would just f* off for half the day or more every Saturday then book extra holidays for their hobbies. Instead my brothers' where allowed to take time out on the weekend regularly to do their hobbies but they only spent a couple of hours doing them when their children were at school. They waited until there children were older teenagers before spending more time on their hobbies plus had no problem with their wives joining them.

I've go away every 2 years with a couple of male friends for a couple of nights. One of my friends' has two children and we skipped a year until his youngest was 2 and his wife though she could cope with him on her own. None of us would go away for more than 2 nights due to cost and the fact that going away longer would mean taking more than half a days work holiday.

[TheRagingGirl]

He is being very UNreasonable.

He seems to have a lot of time to himself to organise & do stuff. You don't.

I think that him even making the suggestion suggests he's not fully taken on what it s to have DC. He wants a family but he doesn't want to be the one to sacrifice his free time.

When will you have the chance to go away child-free - or even want to? Or do your sports for whole days chid-free?

It's time for him to step up.