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Original poster

DH wants to go on holiday...without me!

342 replies

whatstheweatherupto · 30/04/2018 11:02

Not really sure how I feel about this situation so wanted some unbiased opinions…

DH and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 3, 1 DC who is just about to turn 18 months . We have had our ups and down like all couples but are generally happy. The last couple of years have been a struggle as I don’t think DH was prepared for how much things would change having DC but we’re slowly getting through it.
DH‘s best friend is female. This bothered me when we first got together, as we were all very young and DH wasn’t very good at introducing us and wanted to keep us apart which made things worse, however after all these years I can honestly say that I have no issues with her, I class her as a friend as well and actually find it nice that DH has such a close friend. I have no trust issues with her as I know she Is not remotely interested in DH and has recently started seeing someone

DH and I do not get a lot of time together as we both work full time. He works shifts whereas I work Mon-Fri hours. We share pick ups and drop offs of DC as much as possible, although the majority of childcare and housework falls to me as DH struggles with sleeping being on a shift pattern. However his shifts does mean that every couple of months he ends up with a full 10 days off work. He also plays golf nearly every other Saturday and will use his annual leave to book days off around this schedule. He also plays football some Saturday mornings before golf for a local pub team so some weekend days he can be out from very early until late which obviously eats into the time we have together with DC.

At the end of last week he came home saying he had been talking to his friend and for the first time in years she has the some of the same time off as his (she also works shifts in a similar industry to him but they rarely seem to have more than 1 day off together) and that they have been talking and wanted to go away for a few days. He did ask me if me and DC would like to come as well but unfortunately I cannot have the time off due to work commitments so we wouldn’t be able to.

He told me how much they were looking to spend and then spent the majority of the weekend looking for holidays for them both and they are now on the verge of booking to go away for 5 nights.

For the record my issue isn’t him going away with his friend, its more the issue that he wants to go away and leave us for 5 days when we get limited time together as it is. Yes he would be just sitting around the house on those days off as I would be at work and DC at nursery but we would be back in the evenings and he would be able to pick DC up a bit earlier. There is also loads of work that needs doing around the house. It’s also his attitude to the money he would be spending. They’re looking at spending about £500 altogether (food, drink, airport parking etc) and when I said that could be put towards some new carpets in the house his answer was it’s his money, he works hard for it so he wants to enjoy it for a change!

Not sure what I am looking for her, part of me thinks he is being unreasonable, but then part of me does think he should be able to go and enjoy himself.

OP posts:
Flutist · 30/04/2018 13:21

Like hell would my DH be going on holiday with another woman! I'm afraid I'd be putting my foot down and saying if he goes he needn't expect me and DC to still be here when he comes back.

ToothTrauma · 30/04/2018 13:22

Is he having a fucking giraffe?

OohMavis · 30/04/2018 13:22

DH wasn’t very good at introducing us and wanted to keep us apart

They were fucking, or had fucked. I'll bet this snickers I'm about to eat on it.

She's his ex isn't she?

Friends or not, it would be a no from me. I'm not a 'cool wife' and I'm ok with it.

downthestrada · 30/04/2018 13:22

Imagine chatting to a couple at a bar and discovering he has a family at home and he's just come on holiday with his "friend". Wouldn't it strike you as a bit odd? This.

If I was the women, I would feel bad about the cost and taking away someone's partner, but perhaps she doesn't hear the full story and doesn't realise that he has loads of free time and you are left with the majority of housework and childcare.

I have been away on hobby based trips (with female friends) and my husband has been away hobby based trips (mixed male/female group). But, I wouldn't be happy with this. It's a bit too couply.

It seems like he wants to leave you with all the shitwork and he can carry on with his hobbies as he pleases. Why can't he do some of the housework at the weekends, and why isn't he doing more in his 10 days off? This would bother me most. He seems to want to continue being single and doing what he pleases.

downthestrada · 30/04/2018 13:24

Have you met this woman's partner op? And, have you got any male friends to go away with? Because I would be interested in how your husband felt about that.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 30/04/2018 13:24

I agree with pp that you suggest he takes your DS with him. If he says the holiday won’t be child friendly or other excuses tell him to have a nice holiday with his friend and to look for somewhere else to live whe he returns. It would be better to live on your own with DS than with him as he sounds selfish, immature and nasty.

I have never seen a marriage last long term where the man spends most of his free time doing hobbies or taking trips away with friends away from his wife and children. It leads to resentment, loss of emotional connection and detachment from the family unit.

Topseyt · 30/04/2018 13:24

Having the odd few days away from each other can be beneficial and relaxing. We have done that occasionally and enjoyed, but neither DH nor I would be OK with the other going away on a one to one basis with a member of the opposite sex. I'll be honest and say that I don't see why you are OK with it, but that is up to you.

I've said it on here before and will say it again now. I am not a "cool" wife, never have been and have no intention of trying to become one. Happy to retain my "uncool" status, and I fully expect the "cool" brigade to flame me for it, as they have before. I do have rhino hide though.

There could be something going on right under your nose, hiding in plain sight. If not then this holiday is the ideal time for temptation to start - cosy dinners, one to one time, trips out together etc. That should be you, not the other woman. To me it is just all wrong and crosses so many lines.

As far as I would be concerned, he could go on a short break with his child, but without the other woman.

SunnyCoco · 30/04/2018 13:26

To be honest I think the ‘female friend’ is bothering you a lot more than you say it is, otherwise why would you have even mentioned her sex / gender / past history with your husband?

It wouldn’t bother me if my husband went away with a male friend for a few days, or a mixed sex group. It would bother me just him and one woman though.

I go away with a group of girlfriends once a year and my husband is fine with it

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2018 13:30

I’d tell him he could go...but he could find somewhere else to live when he came back.

He wants to carry on like a single man. You’re certainly having to behave like a single ‘parent’. So he can go and see how he
Ikes the reality.

Shampaincharly · 30/04/2018 13:32

If you trust them I do not see a problem with the holiday .
I do not think the comment about the money is fair though.
You should have an equal amount to spend on yourself.

Ryder63 · 30/04/2018 13:33

You're being taken for a mug, OP. He sees you as a nanny and housekeeper, while he sees himself as still a single man, going off to play his games on his long breaks from work. And now this? Going off on a jolly with someone he has almost certainly fucked before (or why try to keep you apart, early on). Nope.

HeedMove · 30/04/2018 13:35

It wouldnt bother me as long as I also could have a break away.

ZanyMobster · 30/04/2018 13:38

Both DH and I go away separately as well as together and have done since the kids were little but I absolutely wouldn't be ok with him going away with another woman regardless how close friends they are.

I'm sorry, definitely not ok but for us a 5 day break with mates is fine.

mrsjackrussell · 30/04/2018 13:40

My husband would never go away without me. He wouldn't want to. Especially not with a female friend. I find it quite strange. But that's just my view

elderflowerandrose · 30/04/2018 13:40

I can’t get past the fact that ‘they’ being dh and his girl friend ‘invited’ you and ds.
So the unit here is not you and him and your child, but him and her. Additionally the way you have written your post makes me think that he is sat with her discussing holidays and life, and not with you.
It is like they are having a relationship and you and ds are just a strap on to his life.
This, and on this basis only I would finish our relationship. There is no a hint of love and respect for you, at no point have you mentioned how much he cares for you and his child. It is all about him and his hobbies.
And now he expects to be go on holiday with her and leave you behind! Not a hells chance would most people even consider this to he acceptable. I could not live like this, I am amazed you can. You deserve much more than this op!

Ohyesiam · 30/04/2018 13:41

I want to go away without my family too, but my kids are older. If it was a fortnight I’d beShock, but 5 nights is doable if he helps with infrastructure before he goes, like cook some meals and put them in the freezer.

KateGrey · 30/04/2018 13:41

He sounds selfish as fuck! He gets a huge amount of leisure time and now wants to swan off on holiday. I think most would be forgiving and want him to take a break if he was properly supporting you but it sounds like he sees himself and “his” money as a single man who just happens to have a wife and child. Why can’t he take your dc? Or are you expected to once again pick up the slack whilst he’s away. Parenting involves two parents not just one doing it all whilst the other reveals in the title of Dad but behaving nothing like one. Sorry it’s a no from me. He sounds beyond selfish.

BuggeringNora · 30/04/2018 13:42

Imagine chatting to a couple at a bar and discovering he has a family at home and he's just come on holiday with his "friend". Wouldn't it strike you as a bit odd?

My thoughts would be that he was an absolute wanker, and that she had zero respect for his wife.
I'm afraid I would also instantly think, "they're so shagging".
Are they going to be sharing a room? It would be a flat no from me, with no room for discussion.

mamaslatts · 30/04/2018 13:42

I have no trust issues with her as I know she Is not remotely interested in DH and has recently started seeing someone

You don't mention how you think he feels about her? I suspect he knew you couldn't go before asking you.

He does not see himself as part of a family man at all with his total lack of pulling his weight, hobbies he spends his annual leave on and 'his money'. You say things were tricky when you first had DC, did they get 'easier' when you basically took on all the work?

Also cannot imagine going away for 5 days with a 'friend's' husband whilst she stayed at home with their small child even if I didn't want to shag him.

Cherrypieface123 · 30/04/2018 13:43

Absolutely no way!

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 30/04/2018 13:45

I have just remembered that I went to Paris for a few days last year with a male friend without DH.

There was an exhibition we wanted to see.

It did not occur to me that this would be a problem and DH had no issue with it either.

It certainly wasn't romantic.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 30/04/2018 13:47

DH going on holiday with another woman and DH going on holiday with a female friend he knew before we met, where there are no trust issues (as stated in OP), would be different things.
If the root of it is, that he has more free leisure time than you, and can use it as he pleases, that's a different matter.
We don't generally holiday alone, although we have done some trips without each other, and I'd be horrified if DH told me I couldn't go, or couldn't go with a specific friend.

NanFlanders · 30/04/2018 13:49

Hmmm. I've been away with a male friend and my two kids, without dh, and also on 'girls' weekends away. He's away abroad quite often with work, and will sometimes extend so he has a holiday. It's got to be fair though - I'd make sure you negotiate some time away with YOUR mates though. (Barcelona is very nice....)

Viviennemary · 30/04/2018 13:50

No I do not think this is acceptable in any way for the two of them to go off on holiday together. I don't go for this my best friend is a woman or my best friend is a man. It rarely is as simple as that.

allez · 30/04/2018 13:50

Phew. The 4th replier called him a cunt. I thought I was on the wrong forum although they made up for it by telling you to kick him out too.

The holiday in itself doesn't bother me and nor does enjoying the money he earns. The £500 is a life-changing amount to some people and pocket money to others so only you and your husband know where on the scale it is.

Dh and I have a very good marriage. Married for decades. We've both been on holidays without the other and since being parents. Both of us have been on single sex or mixed holidays but I would, despite trusting him completely, feel a little uncomfortable about him going away with a woman.

You said he'd be sat around while you and DS were out all day.

I think that if he would be equally happy for you to go away (as mine is and has been) then it's fine. If he would begrudge you then it obviously isn't.

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