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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

when your child is on a sleepover...

135 replies

10isenough · 29/04/2018 17:36

I'm in a stew about a couple of things and would appreciate anyone else's oppinion on this situation…

My daughter who is 9 years and 4 months was invited on a sleepover yesterday evening with a friend from outside school who we've known through mutual friends for about 3 years now. I would consider the mother to be a friend also, I thought we were similar people with a similar standpoint when it comes to raising our children (we both also have 13 year old dds). However, on dropping dd off I was invited in for a cup of tea and a catch up, while we chatted my friend's daughter announced that she HAD to have a toy which she had left at her dad's house the day before (they are divorced and live roughly 1 mile away from each other). Her mother said okay you can go (with my dd) and get it, 'take your big sister's house key as your dad won't be in'. It took me about 20 seconds to realise that she had given permission to her daughter (who's just under 9) and MY daughter to walk by themselves across a busy main road (equivalent of a ring road with 40mph limit) and walk down an A road, crossing over 4 side roads where there are no pedestrian crossings, let themselves into a flat where there is no adult present and collect a Build A Bear, lock the flat up again and walk home...this is at about 5.30/6pm. I nearly spat my tea out and politely said that it wouldn't be okay for my dd to do this. I was then asked why. I had to say that my dd is a very young 9.4 and I'm not certain she would even know how to get home. I don't think she knows her own address by heart and certainly doesn't know my mobile number off by heart, or have her own phone with which to call me if she needed to! So, all in all I was VERY glad that I had stayed for that tea.

I went this morning to collect my dd and I stopped in for a coffee while dd collected up her belongings and got her shoes on. While in the kitchen with the kids next to us, my friend announces that she has had the 'period conversation' with my dd. Apparently periods were referred to at dinner by her older 13 year old daughter and my dd asked what a period is? I just didn't know what to say, my eyes must have bulged but I didn't want to offend or have to justify myself...deep down I felt stepped on.

I now feel that I have to fully go through the period conversation which will also have to involve bird and bees...why else do you have periods?!
I also have to chat with my daughter about it being okay to say 'my mum wouldn't let me do that' but in all honesty it my job to protect her not assume she will put a halt to a potentially dangerous situation before it arrises...she is a very naive 9 year old child who isn't that clued up iyswim. Obviously the period, sex, babies conversation is on the horizon but its up to me isn't it ffs?

Do I let this friend know how I feel and both of these issues? Or do I avoid ever leaving dd there for a playdate or sleepover for fear of what might happen or be discussed?
Feeling sad about this and not sure how to proceed.....

OP posts:

BPG20 · 29/04/2018 17:41

Sounds like the period conversation couldn't really be avoided but tbh I would have expected a 9yo girl to know about periods anyway, many girls start puberty this young and it shouldn't come as a complete surprise. That said, she sounds like she probably overstepped normal boundaries.

Majamandy · 29/04/2018 17:42

Regarding the walking to the dad's house, YANBU.

Regarding the period thing, it was her 13 y/o who mentioned it in passing, probably not thinking as her younger sister must know what they are (you find out this stuff a lot sooner when you have older sisters).

Besides; I'm fairly sure my dc learnt about periods/puberty in health lessons when they were about 10 anyway. I'm certain they learnt about it at school before I ever told them. So with the period thing, I think YABU.

VimFuego101 · 29/04/2018 17:42

Your DD needs to know about periods, and at 9 surely she must have at least a general idea? Going out alone/ crossing roads, though, I would expect her to have asked specifically if you were OK with your DD doing that.

Majamandy · 29/04/2018 17:43

And maybe a little PFB

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2018 17:43

Personally, I'm shocked that your 9 year old hasn't even HEARD of females having a period. That's a conversation that should have already been started years ago, in my opinion, and yes, I have raised a daughter. As for the issue of the other mother sending your child off to the ex's house, I agree with you. The mother should have asked you first before giving permission for an activity you knew nothing about.

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 29/04/2018 17:43

9 is a bit late to b finding out about periods! my kids have known about them since they were about 5. They also know where babies come from.

I agree with you about the road crossing though.

YoucancallmeVal · 29/04/2018 17:46

Everyone parents differently, but thete are certain things children need to know. Your dd really must learn about periods - I've had girls in school start at 9! It is essential you tell her about it. You don't need to go into the whole sex thing so much, but that's not inappropriate at 9 either. Information keeps her safe.
As for not knowing her address or your phone number. Please stop treating her like a toddler! I appreciate you are a very loving mum who wants to protect her child But what on earth would happen if she needed to phone an ambulance if you fell down the stairs?? Age appropriate Information, updated as needed, is so important.

Confusedbeetle · 29/04/2018 17:48

In my opinion sleepovers are a terrible idea on many counts. This woman put your child at risk, that's the main one. As for the periods, not a big issue, it often happens that a child hears something and asks the question. It does not mean she is ready to hear all the reproduction thing. Really you just need to answer her questions and make a gentle introduction to the way her body will change, including preparation for periods. Completely positive and non-drama. and "its a good thing because you will be beginning to grow into a woman" She does not need to know about sex, but many girls start their periods at 9 and if it happened she may be alarmed. She needs also to understand what is happening if her friends start. Not a big deal, do it gently and normally. As for the sleepover, no, I wouldn't let her go again. If the mother asks I would just explain you don't think she is ready to manage that traffic. All parenting styles are different, and more to the point all children develop at different speeds

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 29/04/2018 17:49

My DD would have been fine to go and get the Build a Bear at 9yo, she's always known about periods because I had them. Some of your DD's friends will already be starting puberty. YABU.

StAlphonzospancakebreakfast · 29/04/2018 17:50

I think I agree with the walk, although my eldest is only 7..maybe they grow up a lot in the next couple of years?! I suppose it all depends on the child, I sort of think of year 6 as being when they start walking home from school alone.
Periods though, my kids have known about those since they were toddlers, it’s just what happens every month to women when they aren’t pregnant. I didn’t have to have the sex talk with them (although they all know the basics of that too). I firmly believe that knowledge is power! Otherwise some friend just tells them some half baked story in the playground and freaks them out!

gamerwidow · 29/04/2018 17:51

I agree about the road crossing it's too much for a 9 year old with no road sense.
Regarding the period talk I suppose it depends what was said. My 7 year old has known for ages that women bleed once a month so they can have a baby if they want to. You don't a graphic chat about sex to explain periods at that age.
She will be having sex education at school soon anyway.
I think as long as she hasn't frightened your Dd with a poor or overly graphic explanation then no harm has been done.

Movablefeast · 29/04/2018 17:51

I think it's always important to be honest with kids about biological info, especially periods and sexual behaviour and relationships in an age appropriate way. It sounds like the period topic came up naturally and the other family handled it well. It now gives you an opening to talk about theses topics a bit more if it feels right.

I do think you are being precious to be offended as she is just as likely (more likely) to hear this on the school playground and get the wrong info.

We can't keep our kids in a bubble, she will be on sleepovers and have friendships that expose her to other points of view.

CreamTeaa · 29/04/2018 17:52

I wouldn’t be happy about the walking to her dads house thing.

The period thing though YABU, the mum didn’t bring it up her eldest DD did.

Pengggwn · 29/04/2018 17:53

I don't think she should be having that chat with someone else's daughter. Massively not her place.

Chopchopbusybusy · 29/04/2018 17:53

I wouldn’t have been happy about the road crossing either.
DD2 had her first period aged 9 so I do think you’ve left that conversation a bit late.

Movablefeast · 29/04/2018 17:54

Just to be clear YANBU about the walk.

Llanali · 29/04/2018 17:55

The walk bit, probably YANBU. It may be ok, but definitely not without having checked specifically with you.

YABU if your daughter really doesn’t know her address. My four year old knows ours and had for a year! Surely this is essentially infor for a child?

YABU to have not spoken about periods too. Very unreasonable.

Babyplaymat · 29/04/2018 17:55

Going to dad's house, I agree with you on. But does your 9 yr old really not know about periods and 'birds and bees'?

bluerunningshoes · 29/04/2018 17:55

I agree the period thing would be no biggie. facts of life and you should have told her about it a long time ago, especially with an older sister.

wrt walking to friend's dad's house, I guess she knows the way well and has practiced walking there and back. I would be cool with that if my dc were a sensible type.

Llanali · 29/04/2018 17:56

I do agree with pengwynn a bit about it not being the other mums place, but if you’d done the right thing and hadthe talk, that wouldn’t have been an issue...

Starlight2345 · 29/04/2018 17:56

My Ds knew about periods by that age . I was a younger siblings and wasn’t told about periods as my sister hadn’t started . It was very frightening and wish if my own mum didn’t tell me someone else’s did.

villainousbroodmare · 29/04/2018 17:57

YANBU regarding the walk but ludicrous about the rest. Especially the phone number.

NotUmbongoUnchained · 29/04/2018 17:58

I think you’re being really OTT

Branleuse · 29/04/2018 17:58

why on earth didnt she know about periods at 9. Many girls start by that age

As for the walking a mile with her mate, i would have said no too, and i wouldnt think it was appropriate to assume that someone elses kid could, while you were taking care of them

Mamabear1475 · 29/04/2018 17:59

The first thing you should teach your kids is their address and phone number. What would happen if someone found her when she was lost. She's hardly going to have id is she?

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