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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

when your child is on a sleepover...

135 replies

10isenough · 29/04/2018 17:36

I'm in a stew about a couple of things and would appreciate anyone else's oppinion on this situation…

My daughter who is 9 years and 4 months was invited on a sleepover yesterday evening with a friend from outside school who we've known through mutual friends for about 3 years now. I would consider the mother to be a friend also, I thought we were similar people with a similar standpoint when it comes to raising our children (we both also have 13 year old dds). However, on dropping dd off I was invited in for a cup of tea and a catch up, while we chatted my friend's daughter announced that she HAD to have a toy which she had left at her dad's house the day before (they are divorced and live roughly 1 mile away from each other). Her mother said okay you can go (with my dd) and get it, 'take your big sister's house key as your dad won't be in'. It took me about 20 seconds to realise that she had given permission to her daughter (who's just under 9) and MY daughter to walk by themselves across a busy main road (equivalent of a ring road with 40mph limit) and walk down an A road, crossing over 4 side roads where there are no pedestrian crossings, let themselves into a flat where there is no adult present and collect a Build A Bear, lock the flat up again and walk home...this is at about 5.30/6pm. I nearly spat my tea out and politely said that it wouldn't be okay for my dd to do this. I was then asked why. I had to say that my dd is a very young 9.4 and I'm not certain she would even know how to get home. I don't think she knows her own address by heart and certainly doesn't know my mobile number off by heart, or have her own phone with which to call me if she needed to! So, all in all I was VERY glad that I had stayed for that tea.

I went this morning to collect my dd and I stopped in for a coffee while dd collected up her belongings and got her shoes on. While in the kitchen with the kids next to us, my friend announces that she has had the 'period conversation' with my dd. Apparently periods were referred to at dinner by her older 13 year old daughter and my dd asked what a period is? I just didn't know what to say, my eyes must have bulged but I didn't want to offend or have to justify myself...deep down I felt stepped on.

I now feel that I have to fully go through the period conversation which will also have to involve bird and bees...why else do you have periods?!
I also have to chat with my daughter about it being okay to say 'my mum wouldn't let me do that' but in all honesty it my job to protect her not assume she will put a halt to a potentially dangerous situation before it arrises...she is a very naive 9 year old child who isn't that clued up iyswim. Obviously the period, sex, babies conversation is on the horizon but its up to me isn't it ffs?

Do I let this friend know how I feel and both of these issues? Or do I avoid ever leaving dd there for a playdate or sleepover for fear of what might happen or be discussed?
Feeling sad about this and not sure how to proceed.....

OP posts:
DuchyDuke · 29/04/2018 18:55

I started my period at 9 and had no idea what it was so yabvu about that. As for walking to the dad’s place, again I wouldn’t bat an eyelash there because I was raised to be independant from a young age (rightly or wrongly). I think if this friend does have more freedom you probably should teach your dd how to cross roads etc.

DuchyDuke · 29/04/2018 18:57

I’m dyspraxic and dyslexic too, have a shit memory for numbers and letters, but have a keen sense of direction and can memorise maps because I was encouraged to do this at a young age. Delaying it much longer will just make it more difficult!

greenlynx · 29/04/2018 19:04

You are right to be angry about the visit to Dad's house. It's absolutely inappropriate!!! She didn't even think to ask you and you where sitting nearby. To be honest, I don't think it's ok for any 9 years old.
The period thing. It seems that your DD asked direct question and there was no way to escape answer (otherwise 13 years old could volunteer her version! ). I would ask (nicely) what exactly your friend told to your DD to match yours and hers explanation. My DD at this age knew that periods existed, did shopping for pads and tampons with me. I didn't tell her about sex and baby's making at first, mostly concentrated on puberty signs. My neighbour started her periods at 10.

Lovemusic33 · 29/04/2018 19:05

I find it odd that a almost ten year old doesn’t know about periods. My dd started hers a few days before her 11 th birthday and her older sister was 12.

Not sure I would allow my child to walk a mile crossing busy roads though but my dd’s have ASD so it’s a little different. I was riding my bike for 5 miles at the age of 9.

TheFlannelsAreBreeding · 29/04/2018 19:12

My 9yo dd walks by herself about a mile from school to her swimming class, every week. Crosses several residential roads, walks down the side of a main A road (using a pedestrian crossing to cross). So I don’t think that sort of walk is too much for a sensible 9yo with road sense and a mobile she can use. But I wouldn’t assume all 9yos (or their parents) would be OK with it.

On the periods, YADBU. And they get taught it in Y5 in school, anyway - much better not to be the only one in the room who doesn’t know already.

Iceweasel · 29/04/2018 19:17

Personally, I would have checked with you about the walk, however if she had been 10 years old, unless she had additional needs, then I would have assumed it was okay.

The period talk you definitely left too late, she could start them at 10.

Hygge · 29/04/2018 19:17

I wouldnt have been okay about the walk to the Dad's flat and back on those roads.

I've had the period talk with my DS and he's only just nine. I realise that might sound a bit odd but he has various books about how bodies work and I don't see why we should only talk about the boys bits.

We try to be age appropriately honest and he's actually got something called 'the big talk' at school in the next couple of weeks.

There's a parents talk first which I'm going to so I can find out what they're telling him in case he wants to talk about it to me at home.

Your DD will probably have a similar thing at her school sooner or later if they haven't done it already.

PeppermintPasty · 29/04/2018 19:21

I'm afraid both my dc (ds 11 dd 8) have been subjected to knowledge about periods for as long as I can remember. Since they showed curiosity about my tampons in the loo in fact, when they were tiny. Age appropriate throughout the years each time they asked of course.

I expect to have a longer updating conversation with my dd soon as she's probably forgotten half of what I've said.

I agree with you about the walk though. You know your daughter.

Sprogletsmuvva · 29/04/2018 19:23

My DM used to use the word “streetwise “ with audible distaste - as if it was a hallmark of chavvy parenting.
But she would also no doubt have described me as “naive “ as a child ( although “dozy” was the word she used more often to my face). As if how I was had nothing to do with her, and my failure to absorb things to the right degree without having been taught them (because we don’t want a “streetwise “ child, do we) was down to me.
DM would then justify not allowing me to do stuff by reference to my incompetence.Sad Angry

OP, please don’t set your DD up for a similar dynamic. Even if she doesn’t come to resent you for it, or be placed in actual danger or inconvenience (particularly the address thing), she stands to be embarrassed by her peers.

Allthewaves · 29/04/2018 19:24

My sons 4,6 and 9 know what periods are. It's just biology

Iceweasel · 29/04/2018 19:29

Sorry, just read the whole thread and saw that she does have SEN. I would be letting other parents know what boundaries/level of independence you are comfortable with before you leave her at their house.

From 10, and especially from the start of secondary school, the level of independence most children are allowed seems to increase gradually then suddenly. If your child is not ready for what her peers are doing then the other parents need to know.

Loandbeholdagain · 29/04/2018 19:30

Lots of 9 year olds walk home from school, she is presumably very familiar with the journey. My niece walks into town (a similar distance) at this age.

Periods they really should know about by 9 as lots of girls have started their periods at this age.

The issue I think was probably around consent and whether your daughter might not be as experienced at road crossing etc.

NotTakenUsername · 29/04/2018 19:36

Slightly off topic but I think your friend needs to have a quiet word with her 13yo about appropriate dinner time conversation.

You need to have a conversation to get your Dd caught up on how her body works.

Can’t comment regarding thr journey as we are very rural and Dd is younger than 9.

BringMeCoffeePlease · 29/04/2018 19:42

Yep, that’s the best thing to do OP. Use this situation as an opportunity to educate your DD on periods, body changes etc.

And as other posters have said, you need to make sure your DD know her address and your phone number.

ShapelyBingoWing · 29/04/2018 19:48

The walk is dependent on the child. Many will be doing short journeys alone by that age but others just aren't ready.

YAB enormously unreasonable with how little basic safety measures you've covered with her though. My only-just-4 year old has known our address for a long time now. She also knows my phone number, my real name and my parents' address just in case. They need to know these things so it's time to really step up and start instilling them.

You're also BU about the period talk. Her biology is not something to be protecting her from. Besides, has she not had a class puberty session with the school nurse yet? I've been to several and periods are definitely covered. You'd actually be amazed at how much children of that age do know. We got questions about transgender people, same sex couples and artificial insemination on top of all the questions about their bodies.

Iceweasel · 29/04/2018 19:51

Periods can not be mentioned at dinner time? Why? It's no different to saying that you don't feel well or have suffered any other inconvenience.

NotTakenUsername · 29/04/2018 19:54

Periods can not be mentioned at dinner time? Why?

Bodily functions in general. Very bad manners.

ShapelyBingoWing · 29/04/2018 19:57

Bodily functions in general. Very bad manners.

I wouldn't exactly discuss them at a wedding breakfast but I suppose I'm very lax otherwise and would think nothing at all of mentioning my period at the dinner table. Smile

Greenyogagirl · 29/04/2018 19:57

I disagree @nottaken it probably was a comment like ‘so & so at school started her period yesterday and had to go home early’ rather than an in depth discussion.
My son knew about periods and exactly what they were at 5

Maryann1975 · 29/04/2018 19:58

YABU about the period thing. I don’t recall when I told the DDS (I have 2) about them, but the youngest is 7 and is normal to her. (When mum wears her pad it means no baby is growing). Even ds knows about them. I aim for him to be as clued up about periods as the girls. I will not raise a man who won’t nip to the shop for his sister/girlfriend/wife to buy a box of tampax. Ds is in year 5 and covering a bit of human biology at the moment, I’d rather he knew the basics before the lesson so have talked a bit about it in the past few weeks.

Ds has been walking himself to school, with his friends since the start of year 5. He has to cross a couple of difficult journeys with no help and a major a road, via a pedestrian crossing). I’ve taught him road safety since toddler age and am confident in his ability. As hard as it is, I think you need to start instilling this kind of lesson in your dd, as at some point this will happen again and a friends parent will let them out to the shop/Park/errand without your knowledge. Start small and when the big stuff happens, it doesn’t seem quite so massive (so, run this to the neighbour/post box/corner shop (with you watching from the end of the drive for eg), getting further away as the months go on, by the time she is 11, walking to senior school will be the next step). It’s hard to let them grow up, but I’ve found this helped.

Iceweasel · 29/04/2018 20:01

So a 13 year old looked not quite herself and was asked if she was okay, she couldn't say 'I have my period'? Sounds absurd to me.

Hatewaybuloo · 29/04/2018 20:03

Yanbu about the walk but I started my period at 9, it’s not uncommon- I think you’ve left that too late, very surprised your daughter didn’t know what it was

Hatewaybuloo · 29/04/2018 20:05

Also your daughter should know her own address, that seems a bit irresponsible to have not taught her that yet

Applesandpears23 · 29/04/2018 20:08

YANBU about the walk.

YABVvVU about the periods. I have had a period conversation with my 4 year old!!!

IHaveBrilloHair · 29/04/2018 20:13

Crikey, my DD started her periods when she was 9.