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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

when your child is on a sleepover...

135 replies

10isenough · 29/04/2018 17:36

I'm in a stew about a couple of things and would appreciate anyone else's oppinion on this situation…

My daughter who is 9 years and 4 months was invited on a sleepover yesterday evening with a friend from outside school who we've known through mutual friends for about 3 years now. I would consider the mother to be a friend also, I thought we were similar people with a similar standpoint when it comes to raising our children (we both also have 13 year old dds). However, on dropping dd off I was invited in for a cup of tea and a catch up, while we chatted my friend's daughter announced that she HAD to have a toy which she had left at her dad's house the day before (they are divorced and live roughly 1 mile away from each other). Her mother said okay you can go (with my dd) and get it, 'take your big sister's house key as your dad won't be in'. It took me about 20 seconds to realise that she had given permission to her daughter (who's just under 9) and MY daughter to walk by themselves across a busy main road (equivalent of a ring road with 40mph limit) and walk down an A road, crossing over 4 side roads where there are no pedestrian crossings, let themselves into a flat where there is no adult present and collect a Build A Bear, lock the flat up again and walk home...this is at about 5.30/6pm. I nearly spat my tea out and politely said that it wouldn't be okay for my dd to do this. I was then asked why. I had to say that my dd is a very young 9.4 and I'm not certain she would even know how to get home. I don't think she knows her own address by heart and certainly doesn't know my mobile number off by heart, or have her own phone with which to call me if she needed to! So, all in all I was VERY glad that I had stayed for that tea.

I went this morning to collect my dd and I stopped in for a coffee while dd collected up her belongings and got her shoes on. While in the kitchen with the kids next to us, my friend announces that she has had the 'period conversation' with my dd. Apparently periods were referred to at dinner by her older 13 year old daughter and my dd asked what a period is? I just didn't know what to say, my eyes must have bulged but I didn't want to offend or have to justify myself...deep down I felt stepped on.

I now feel that I have to fully go through the period conversation which will also have to involve bird and bees...why else do you have periods?!
I also have to chat with my daughter about it being okay to say 'my mum wouldn't let me do that' but in all honesty it my job to protect her not assume she will put a halt to a potentially dangerous situation before it arrises...she is a very naive 9 year old child who isn't that clued up iyswim. Obviously the period, sex, babies conversation is on the horizon but its up to me isn't it ffs?

Do I let this friend know how I feel and both of these issues? Or do I avoid ever leaving dd there for a playdate or sleepover for fear of what might happen or be discussed?
Feeling sad about this and not sure how to proceed.....

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 29/04/2018 17:59

My Ds2 knew, at 9, what a period was, my mobile number, his address and how to get Home.
Most 9 year olds I know know this. Girls are starting periods earlier. Some 11 and even 10 year olds have started their periods.
You sound a bit PFB.

formerbabe · 29/04/2018 17:59

I don't think she should have had the period chat with your DD. In her position, I'd have probably told your DD that she should go home and ask her mother.

I do think you should have had that chat already.

Gileswithachainsaw · 29/04/2018 18:00

The walk yanbu

The period talk though yavvu. Kids can start at 8/9 im surprised you'd risk her finding out carrie style rather than just tell her.

RedSkyAtNight · 29/04/2018 18:02

Re the walk - sounds like the friend does this walk regularly, so her mum sees it as no big deal. Coming in cold as it were, you obviously see more dangers.

Re the periods, my DD was already well developed and wearing a bra by your daughter's age, and started her periods just after her 10th birthday.
The girls she knew also talked between themselves about puberty/periods/breasts a fair bit at school, so I find it very surprising your DD didn't have the slightest idea what one was. Sounds like it is a good cue for you to have a proper chat with your DD - even if she doesn't her periods soon, there's a good chance that one of her friends will.

Mannix · 29/04/2018 18:03

YANBU about the road thing, but your friend is not being unreasonable either.

I'd say that 9 is a transitional age, in other words most people wouldn't let their 8yo do it but would let their 10/11yo do it. So there is a point when they move from not doing it to doing it iyswim, and it's up to each parent to decide exactly when that point is.

BringMeCoffeePlease · 29/04/2018 18:05

I agree that YANBU about your DD walking to her friend’s dad’s etc.

But regarding the period conversation, the mum should have probably not ‘had the period conversation’ with your DD and said that she should ask you about it. But your DD at 9 yo shouldn’t be put in the position where she is confused about periods. She needs to know about periods and probably sex.

Ivegotfamilyandidrinkcupsoftea · 29/04/2018 18:05

Yanbu about the walk

I have a nearly 9 year old and a 10 year old and i would not allow this

Yabu about period chat

motorpink · 29/04/2018 18:05

A 9 year old that doesn't know her own address Shock

ElephantsBird · 29/04/2018 18:07

How have you hidden periods from your daughter for 9 years!?

Echobelly · 29/04/2018 18:10

I'm pretty happy for my 9yo daughter to be independent, but I would expect to be checked with by another parent if that was OK. I always asked other parents if they are OK with their DD doing something with mine independently that they may feel differently to me about.

Friend's mum was in her right to let her DD do that if they're all comfortable, but not to assume that it was OK for your child.

Re Periods, again, overstepping the mark a bit, but possibly unavoidable. In that case I'd want to check what was said so I knew what my child had been told, and I'd be a bit peeved, but not much you can do.

Whatalovelymug · 29/04/2018 18:10

Please make sure she knows her address and your phone number.

MissTeri · 29/04/2018 18:11

YANBU about the road thing.

YABU about periods, phone number, home address! My DS is 7 and he doesn't know my number but does know home address and about periods and has done since he was 5!

My cousin started her periods a couple of months ago, she's 9 years old! Periods can be terrifying if you're not prepped for them. I can't imagine being a child and suddenly seeing, what seems like, a lot of blood when going to the toilet - if I hadn't known before hand I'd have been convinced I was dying (I was a tad dramatic mind you).

ShinyShooney · 29/04/2018 18:11

YABU and doing your daughter a huge disservice to treat her like a 4 year old!

Who refers to a 9 year old with the months as well?!

9.4!!!!

She should have learnt her address and at least 3 telephone numbers easily by 5/6. Crossing a road as well should be normal at 9.

Do you still puree her food for her?

Periods are covered in year 5 at school but it is not unusual for girls to start at 9. You are horrid to have not mentioned them already-imagine her fear if she'd started and never even heard of them.

AddictiveCereal · 29/04/2018 18:14

I wouldn't take it upon myself to have the 'period chat' with someone else's child regardless of whether I felt they were old enough to know that information.

Ivegotfamilyandidrinkcupsoftea · 29/04/2018 18:14

Maybe the op was a late starter and didnt realise it is more common now to start at a younger age...

UnsuspectedItem · 29/04/2018 18:15

It's not uncommon to start your period at 9.
How fucking terrifying would it be to start a period and not know what it is? YABU if your 9 year old has no concept of them

The walking to their dads bit... Meh. Clearly the other kid had been before, I don't think it's an issue worth spitting your food out over.

Parker231 · 29/04/2018 18:15

I would be concerned about a 9 yr old not knowing their address and mobile number. That something most know when they start school. How would they manage if they got lost?

NotUmbongoUnchained · 29/04/2018 18:16

Imagining a poor 9 year old starting her periods at school all alone and terrified Sad she’d probably be too embarrassed to say anything too.

Greenyogagirl · 29/04/2018 18:17

The 1 mile walk would depend on so many things, I used to go to the park and shops on my own at 7yo in a busy city, my friend who lives in a village let’s her 8 year olds go and play at the park which is just under a mile away.

Why wouldn’t your 9yo know about periods?! It’s entirely possible that she could start soon and completely freak out.

It sounds like in ‘protecting’ her you’re actually babying her and holding her back

VileyRose · 29/04/2018 18:18

My 5 yr old knows about periods?! I don't think that was BU but the walking thing is.

Greenyogagirl · 29/04/2018 18:18

Also how the hell does she not know her address?!

blueluce85 · 29/04/2018 18:20

Shinyshoony... I thought that too regarding the 9yrs and 4months. I'm sorry OP but I agree with a lot of others, it seems very much like you are still treating your child like a toddler.

I'm guessing at 9yrs (and 4months) your daughter has spellings that she has to learn etc so I don't think an 11digit number and an address (only need first line) is too much to ask of her.

I agree that YANBU re the trip to the dads house as some 9year olds aren't responsible enough, and that is fully your call, but the other mum probably didn't think twice about it as her child is mature enough to do it.

But regarding the period thing.... I found out about it around 8/9 when a girl at school started and some nasty people took the mick out of her... But then I had to cover up that I didn't know (for embarrassment as its not cool to be the kid who doesn't know things) and then luckily my mum gave me a book later that night to learn about it. Again if I was that mum, I would have explained briefly if I was asked.... Worse to tell a child.... Oh I don't think I should tell you, best wait for your mum.... Turns a normal everyday thing into something much more in your daughter's eyes IMHO

diddl · 29/04/2018 18:20

I'mm surprised that your daughter doesn't know about periods through school-let alone her 13yr old sister!

I wouldn't have wanted her to do the walk either.

I do think kids can still be silly at that age.

Dozer · 29/04/2018 18:21

Yanbu on the unsupervised walk. Yabu not to have told your DD facts about puberty.

ChocolateWombat · 29/04/2018 18:21

I do t think you need to have a chat with your friend about how you didn't like what she did/said - you've already made clear to her that you are not happy for DD to go out alone. Simply don't let her go to sleep overs there again if you're not happy about the set-up there.

Perhaps have a think about some of the issues of growing up - puberty talk, knowing Address and phone no, starting to go out alone, being left at home alone for short periods of time, going into shops and making purchases etc etc - these are all things which are important and need to be introduced gradually and not left too late - have you got a timescale in mind for each? If you haven't, start thinking about it.

And yes, I've heard it said all girls should know about periods by 7, because increasingly girls start them at 8. I have known one girl who started at 9 and hadn't been told....was terrified. You're lucky this hasn't happened. Remember, knowing the facts of life isn't the end of innocence as some people seem to think it is.....when children are told young, they just take it all as information like any other information they are getting on a regular basis - if you make it into a big deal that must be delayed, it's more likely to be a big deal to her too.

And I agree that around 9, some children are being given quite a bit of independence and if yours haven't got that, it's time to start small. At 11 children go to Secondary and often do relatively big journeys, go out with friends etc - you don't want everything at once and from zero to significant independence, so start small and progressively larger now.