when your child is on a sleepover...

[10isenough]

I'm in a stew about a couple of things and would appreciate anyone else's oppinion on this situation…

My daughter who is 9 years and 4 months was invited on a sleepover yesterday evening with a friend from outside school who we've known through mutual friends for about 3 years now. I would consider the mother to be a friend also, I thought we were similar people with a similar standpoint when it comes to raising our children (we both also have 13 year old dds). However, on dropping dd off I was invited in for a cup of tea and a catch up, while we chatted my friend's daughter announced that she HAD to have a toy which she had left at her dad's house the day before (they are divorced and live roughly 1 mile away from each other). Her mother said okay you can go (with my dd) and get it, 'take your big sister's house key as your dad won't be in'. It took me about 20 seconds to realise that she had given permission to her daughter (who's just under 9) and MY daughter to walk by themselves across a busy main road (equivalent of a ring road with 40mph limit) and walk down an A road, crossing over 4 side roads where there are no pedestrian crossings, let themselves into a flat where there is no adult present and collect a Build A Bear, lock the flat up again and walk home...this is at about 5.30/6pm. I nearly spat my tea out and politely said that it wouldn't be okay for my dd to do this. I was then asked why. I had to say that my dd is a very young 9.4 and I'm not certain she would even know how to get home. I don't think she knows her own address by heart and certainly doesn't know my mobile number off by heart, or have her own phone with which to call me if she needed to! So, all in all I was VERY glad that I had stayed for that tea.

I went this morning to collect my dd and I stopped in for a coffee while dd collected up her belongings and got her shoes on. While in the kitchen with the kids next to us, my friend announces that she has had the 'period conversation' with my dd. Apparently periods were referred to at dinner by her older 13 year old daughter and my dd asked what a period is? I just didn't know what to say, my eyes must have bulged but I didn't want to offend or have to justify myself...deep down I felt stepped on.

I now feel that I have to fully go through the period conversation which will also have to involve bird and bees...why else do you have periods?!
I also have to chat with my daughter about it being okay to say 'my mum wouldn't let me do that' but in all honesty it my job to protect her not assume she will put a halt to a potentially dangerous situation before it arrises...she is a very naive 9 year old child who isn't that clued up iyswim. Obviously the period, sex, babies conversation is on the horizon but its up to me isn't it ffs?

Do I let this friend know how I feel and both of these issues? Or do I avoid ever leaving dd there for a playdate or sleepover for fear of what might happen or be discussed?
Feeling sad about this and not sure how to proceed.....

I agree with other posters - yanbu about the walk but I do think you need to give her more life skills and more experience
My 4 year old has a basic understanding of periods and knows her address
Phone numbers - make sure she has yours written down somewhere like in a bag or instrwad a piece of jewellery she always has on her

Two different issues.
I agree with most posts that 9yo is not to young to learn about periods (some girls start about then)
Allowing the girls to go out to the fathers house without checking with you is totally out of order!
When we leave our kids for a sleepover we expect them to be looked after, this friend obviously didn’t see it as an issue so I suppose communicating is the way forward.
I’ve always made sure that my friends know my rules when they are in charge of my dd

Etymology23 me too...I used to disappear regularly for a whole day at a time on my bike from 7/8 onwards roaming miles away from home totally alone...it was lots of fun but I wasn't 'safe' on lots of occasions. My mum didn't ever bother to ask where I'd gone and I'd have to walk to and from school and to various activities alone every day, even when it was dark or wet...I remember it being embarrassing as a child, other parents openly discussed it with each other with me in ear shot. I felt neglected. I'd die inside if I made my dd feel like this by misjudging a situation...or having a friend misjudge for me. Looking back my safety wasn't prioritised by my mother as she was a single mum with a full time job and an autoimmune disease...she grew up in the 1940s in a different city...she didn't get it.

We've never needed to leave our kids alone as we both WFH. Being a middle child dd2 has always had the company of her big sister or little brother and one or both parents. I think its time to ask her to do small errands to increase her independence and road sense though, I realise not doing this actually puts her at risk rather than protects her! In the future (if in doubt about a host parent) I will say casually...btw I don't let dd go to shops/town or the park on her own just yet until such time as I feel confident it would be 100% fine. I asked her our address at breakfast, she did know house number/street/town....I asked about my phone number...she said 'no but don't worry, I can FaceTime you from my iPod!'

I mentioned periods this morning too...she just looked at me baffled and bewildered. I showed her a pad and a tampon and gave a casual explanation, re-iterating that if was natural and not painful. I asked if her friends at school had discussed periods or if the school had or if she'd seen it mentioned on TV or in books...nope. I asked her if she'd not seen my pads or tampons in the bathroom or in my bag or in the trolley at the supermarket...nope.

I asked her what her friend's big sister had said and she told me that at dinner time (with mother, little sister and each of their respective sleepover mates) she said she knew a girl who went to Brownie Camp and got her period and when she woke up in the morning her whole sleeping bag was covered in blood....ummm - yikes....that's a bit Carrie. Just not normal dinner time conversation at our place.

All kids are different and all parents parent differently too, I should have realised that more. TBH when I asked the mother if she thought her dd (8) was fine to go to her dad's on her own she said yes and proudly told me that the year before her dd had wondered off at Pride (festival in Brighton where we live) at 9.30pm but found her own way back to her family an hour and a half later...so therefore had a very good sense of direction. We just all see things differently which is totally fine. I won't be bringing anything up with the mother, she is lovely and well meaning. It's been a useful learning experience for me and dd mainly thanks to all your responses - thank you.

YANBU re the walk.

However my 5 year old knows about periods so I'm very surprised your DD didn't. I don't think the Mum was being unreasonable there.

The roads - depends on whether there are lights and safe crossing points. The dual carriageway and A roads by us have pedestrian crossings so are perfectly safe for any half-sensible 9 year old.

I am quite shocked that you've not yet spoken to your dd about birds, bees and periods. Actually quite horrified.

That sounds like a good outcome.
I think you are right to keep your dd safe by knowing where she is.

10is I’m glad you have had a chance to talk things through. I never felt abandoned by my parents, because they had always worked up to letting me do those things. E.g. cycling with me the first few times, checking on my signalling, and then as I went further afield I had a mobile. I think the moment I rang them 7 miles from Home and they said they weren’t coming to pick me up because I should have taken a puncture kit was quite a low one though. (I rang again after half an hour and got mum instead of dad, who relented.) I think it sounds like allowing her some freedom bit by bit will work well :)

The unsupervised walk was a bit shocking - my children are older and not ready for that yet either. My children have known about periods since they were toddlers as I had to take them into the toilets with me at international airports. They've grown up with mummy having her 'blood' once a month. They were just told it was my body preparing each month incase I had a baby - but there was no need and they never asked how the baby got in there.

OP, YANBU about the walk but why does your 9 year old not know her address or your phone number? That's not great.

Re the periods, she can be as naive as you think but her body may not agree. I started mine at 9 and my mother didn't warn me at all, I was horrified and scared, it was awful 😩 A school friend said she wasn't ready to have that talk with her 10 year old, she couldn't face up to it. I warned her I still resent my DM for being so lazy about it and so will your DD if she's started with no idea of what is happening.

Sorry OP, just seem your updates re dyspraxia and dyslexia. Am glad you've started to talk to her about the periods.