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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

when your child is on a sleepover...

135 replies

10isenough · 29/04/2018 17:36

I'm in a stew about a couple of things and would appreciate anyone else's oppinion on this situation…

My daughter who is 9 years and 4 months was invited on a sleepover yesterday evening with a friend from outside school who we've known through mutual friends for about 3 years now. I would consider the mother to be a friend also, I thought we were similar people with a similar standpoint when it comes to raising our children (we both also have 13 year old dds). However, on dropping dd off I was invited in for a cup of tea and a catch up, while we chatted my friend's daughter announced that she HAD to have a toy which she had left at her dad's house the day before (they are divorced and live roughly 1 mile away from each other). Her mother said okay you can go (with my dd) and get it, 'take your big sister's house key as your dad won't be in'. It took me about 20 seconds to realise that she had given permission to her daughter (who's just under 9) and MY daughter to walk by themselves across a busy main road (equivalent of a ring road with 40mph limit) and walk down an A road, crossing over 4 side roads where there are no pedestrian crossings, let themselves into a flat where there is no adult present and collect a Build A Bear, lock the flat up again and walk home...this is at about 5.30/6pm. I nearly spat my tea out and politely said that it wouldn't be okay for my dd to do this. I was then asked why. I had to say that my dd is a very young 9.4 and I'm not certain she would even know how to get home. I don't think she knows her own address by heart and certainly doesn't know my mobile number off by heart, or have her own phone with which to call me if she needed to! So, all in all I was VERY glad that I had stayed for that tea.

I went this morning to collect my dd and I stopped in for a coffee while dd collected up her belongings and got her shoes on. While in the kitchen with the kids next to us, my friend announces that she has had the 'period conversation' with my dd. Apparently periods were referred to at dinner by her older 13 year old daughter and my dd asked what a period is? I just didn't know what to say, my eyes must have bulged but I didn't want to offend or have to justify myself...deep down I felt stepped on.

I now feel that I have to fully go through the period conversation which will also have to involve bird and bees...why else do you have periods?!
I also have to chat with my daughter about it being okay to say 'my mum wouldn't let me do that' but in all honesty it my job to protect her not assume she will put a halt to a potentially dangerous situation before it arrises...she is a very naive 9 year old child who isn't that clued up iyswim. Obviously the period, sex, babies conversation is on the horizon but its up to me isn't it ffs?

Do I let this friend know how I feel and both of these issues? Or do I avoid ever leaving dd there for a playdate or sleepover for fear of what might happen or be discussed?
Feeling sad about this and not sure how to proceed.....

OP posts:

Flicketyflack · 29/04/2018 18:24

It sounds like you are annoyed because the choice was taken out of your hands-yanbu

Unfortunately this is the 'joy' of sleepovers your child is exposed to others parenting styles. This is for good & bad

PlanesOverMe · 29/04/2018 18:25

Yabu for not teaching your child her address and your phone number! Also she should know about periods.
I don't know about the walk. It's not the best first walk for her to do on her own, but it's something she'll have to learn to do. Maybe in a more managed way?

Notevilstepmother · 29/04/2018 18:26

I agree with the majority, you should have the period talk younger than 9 in case she starts early.

I understand your concern about the long walk, it probably would be ok, but I can understand why you’d be cautious and I’d be the same I think.

SweetIcedTea · 29/04/2018 18:26

I would consider adding some supplies to her school bag in a discreet bag, DD had a kit for a while before she needed it, which was lucky as she started her first period at school. Her friends told the boys to go away and stood outside the toilet door offering advice :) I'd have been mortified if she hadn't been prepared.

Orchidflower1 · 29/04/2018 18:27

Yanbu re the walking- I’d be horrified at the thought of it.

Re the periods I can see why you feel a bit stepped on but you say you have older dd so surely dd2 has picked up on something anyway. I assume she asks her sister things anyway.

Your dd should know her address and a phone number though even if it’s your land line which may be easier to remember.

MelanieSmooter · 29/04/2018 18:29

You lost me at ‘9 years 4 months’ tbh. She’s 9. Your daughter is 9. Let her grow up ffs.

BrutusMcDogface · 29/04/2018 18:29

I think it's pretty unanimous re: the walk (yanbu) but periods....my daughter has recently turned 8 and knows all about them. I started broaching the subject a long time ago, gradually and age appropriately.

BrutusMcDogface · 29/04/2018 18:32

Blimey, she really REALLY ought to know her address and phone number, too!! I hate to do this but....my 4 year old knows her address, and the aforementioned 8 year old knows my mobile number!

barnet · 29/04/2018 18:32

Yabu. 80 % of the kids at dcs walk to and from school without an adult at 9. They are not likely to run into the road. Don’t leave your kid helpless.

ArchchancellorsHat · 29/04/2018 18:33

Does your DD have SEN - is that why she doesn't know her own address or your phone number? If not, you ABU about that. Either way, you should really have had a talk about periods with her - I started around that age and if I hadn't known what was happening I would have been terrified.

And how bad was teh road really? I get that it might be a bit much for a 9 yo who doesn't know her own address but are you sure it was the same as a ring road, or did it have crossings etc?

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 29/04/2018 18:34

I really think you are doing your daughter a disservice by not helping her develop and learn and become very gently independent.
At some point she will come across a situation she struggles with and you need as a parent to arm her with the tools to meet these challenges
The periods thing is bizarre

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 29/04/2018 18:35

And my dc’s knew their address in reception when they did a whole term about “where I live”
So 9 seems ridiculous

youthrewmysandwichAWAY · 29/04/2018 18:36

YANBU about the walk, that is ridiculous to let a child do that alone and she shouldn't give permission to your child either.

YABU about periods sorry. My daughter has known about them since she was about 3. She didn't ask for an explanation until recently (now 5) but I just said its something that happens when you're older and you haven't got a baby in your tummy. Also the 13yo mentioned it, what can they do about that???!

AhNowTed · 29/04/2018 18:36

This sounds harsh but your daughter is "very naive" for a reason. It's high time you told her the facts of life.

youthrewmysandwichAWAY · 29/04/2018 18:38

My daughter 100% wouldnt be going for sleepovers there anymore though if that's what she thinks is safe to do. Supervised contact only.

sleepylittlebunnies · 29/04/2018 18:38

My DD’s are 6 and 8 and are allowed to play out in the street and DD8 is allowed around the block and to the local park with our neighbours kids. I don’t let them out the front if they have friends from school round unless I’ve thought to check with their parents. I really don’t think the mother should have presumed that it would be ok to let your DD walk to the Dads place.

Regarding periods I knew about them from my mum having them. When me and siblings used a whole box of her sanitary pads to play hospitals she explained a bit more. She started at 10 and was shocked so told me lots early on, I started at 11.

My kids know about periods and how babies are made and how they come out. I answer all their questions honestly. DS10 isn’t as inquisitive as his younger sisters so was a bit disgusted last year when his little sister asked how she got in my tummy, her sister told her that mum and dad had to have sex. DS “eww so you and dad had to do it 3 times, you don’t need to do it anymore now”. I answered that no one has to have sex but most couples do because they enjoy it. Well it turns out he thinks it should be made illegal once you’ve completed your family 😆

ArchchancellorsHat · 29/04/2018 18:39

Sorry OP I advanced searched - Is this the same DD who you thought might be on the ASD spectrum? Because it's much more understandable why you wouldn't have wanted her to cross that road if so. I can understand why you'd want to have the talk with her yourself too - but really, she does need to know about periods even if it has to be explained to her differently. I hope she's okay and didn't find it too much.

Original poster

10isenough · 29/04/2018 18:41

Okay, that's loads of helpful posts - thank you!

I think I can see that I baby dd way too much! She is a middle child and hasn't always had the easiest run of things. She's a bit dyspraxic and dyslexic and her behaviour is very much like her 6.5 yr old brother so I guess I tend to wrongly put her in a box a bit. My older 13 yr old dd has always been so clued on and so everything seemed to happen way earlier with her naturally.

Guess this is the impetus I need to initiate conversations about periods and changes to her body over the next few years.

While her babyishness sometimes drives me mad I have to accept that she is physically growing up and its no good waiting until she seems mentally older. Time to dig out the the old Osbourne book (smile)

OP posts:

Saz1995 · 29/04/2018 18:41

That would piss me right off about the walking to get the bear, I can’t believe the Mum had the cheek to allow it when you were sitting there without asking if it would be okay with you!

DrEustaciaBenson · 29/04/2018 18:43

Agree that children should be able to recite full name and address by the time they start school, and name of school, in case they get lost on a school trip. How has it never come up? Hasn't she seen birthday cards and Christmas cards arriving in the post with your address on them?

ALongHardWinter · 29/04/2018 18:47

I must admit that I was extremely surprised that a girl who is approaching 9 and half years of age didn't have any idea what a period was!

angryburd · 29/04/2018 18:50

Just as well I knew about periods at 9 considering I started mine at 10!

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2018 18:51

My dd is also 9. She has always known about periods. In fact I had a chat with her last week about what to do if it happens at school.

There is no reason to tell your dd about sex yet. Please, not the birds and the bees. It’s nothing to get embrarrassed about. My dd knows what sex is because a child at school recently told her and I wanted to explain in an adult and neutral way. So we had a little chat about where the penis goes and where the baby comes out. Dd had no questions and obviously we didn’t talk about how it all works. Ie pleasure/erection etc.

As for the walking to the dfs house, I would have a problem with this. Walk around the block for 5/10 mins is ok and enough without crossing busy roads.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2018 18:53

Cross post. Just seen your dd has dyslexia / dyspraxia. I understand know why you’ve been “babying” her a bit now. In this case, you’re her mum. You know what’s best regarding the walk. But yes, periods. Deffo need to discuss that one.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2018 18:54

Oh and get her to learn her address and your mobile no!

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