when your child is on a sleepover...

[10isenough]

I'm in a stew about a couple of things and would appreciate anyone else's oppinion on this situation…

My daughter who is 9 years and 4 months was invited on a sleepover yesterday evening with a friend from outside school who we've known through mutual friends for about 3 years now. I would consider the mother to be a friend also, I thought we were similar people with a similar standpoint when it comes to raising our children (we both also have 13 year old dds). However, on dropping dd off I was invited in for a cup of tea and a catch up, while we chatted my friend's daughter announced that she HAD to have a toy which she had left at her dad's house the day before (they are divorced and live roughly 1 mile away from each other). Her mother said okay you can go (with my dd) and get it, 'take your big sister's house key as your dad won't be in'. It took me about 20 seconds to realise that she had given permission to her daughter (who's just under 9) and MY daughter to walk by themselves across a busy main road (equivalent of a ring road with 40mph limit) and walk down an A road, crossing over 4 side roads where there are no pedestrian crossings, let themselves into a flat where there is no adult present and collect a Build A Bear, lock the flat up again and walk home...this is at about 5.30/6pm. I nearly spat my tea out and politely said that it wouldn't be okay for my dd to do this. I was then asked why. I had to say that my dd is a very young 9.4 and I'm not certain she would even know how to get home. I don't think she knows her own address by heart and certainly doesn't know my mobile number off by heart, or have her own phone with which to call me if she needed to! So, all in all I was VERY glad that I had stayed for that tea.

I went this morning to collect my dd and I stopped in for a coffee while dd collected up her belongings and got her shoes on. While in the kitchen with the kids next to us, my friend announces that she has had the 'period conversation' with my dd. Apparently periods were referred to at dinner by her older 13 year old daughter and my dd asked what a period is? I just didn't know what to say, my eyes must have bulged but I didn't want to offend or have to justify myself...deep down I felt stepped on.

I now feel that I have to fully go through the period conversation which will also have to involve bird and bees...why else do you have periods?!
I also have to chat with my daughter about it being okay to say 'my mum wouldn't let me do that' but in all honesty it my job to protect her not assume she will put a halt to a potentially dangerous situation before it arrises...she is a very naive 9 year old child who isn't that clued up iyswim. Obviously the period, sex, babies conversation is on the horizon but its up to me isn't it ffs?

Do I let this friend know how I feel and both of these issues? Or do I avoid ever leaving dd there for a playdate or sleepover for fear of what might happen or be discussed?
Feeling sad about this and not sure how to proceed.....

Agree with you OP. The walk to an empty house is entirely inappropriate. Even if her DD is allowed to do this the mother should be aware that for any period unsupervised at 5his age she shoukd check with you. Re periods, up to you when you talk to DD. 9 is v young to start periods, despite what some posters are saying and it is for you, not her to speak to your DD re this. She could easily have avoided the question.

Personally, I wouldn’t say anything to this mother. I would never let my DD go round there for another sleepover, and I woukd speak to my DD re the periods thing at a simple level. You don’t need to cover the whole sex ed thing at this point if you don’t want to though. Most kids are happy with a simple explanation about bodies getting ready to grow up,

I have dyslexia and dyspraxia - I started having periods at 10 and could walk a mile unsupervised (especially in a pair with someone familiar with the walk) at nine. I had my own house keys and knew my address. You might find she’s capable of a lot more than you think if she’s given the opportunity.

YANBU about the walk. And for that reason I would probably just quietly not allow sleepovers there anymore, I’m not sure if I could trust the other mum’s judgement.

But YABU for not telling her about periods and not getting her to learn her address and phone number. My 5yo has known all 3 for some time (and it’s easier to tell a 3/4yo about periods, how babies are made etc, it’s just another fact O them, no embarrassment or weirdness).

You are absolutely on the right track with teaching her to say when she’s not allowed to do something, that’s a good idea.

Yanbu about 9 yr old walking a mile alone and crossing busy roads...I wouldn't let my 9yr old do it.

Yabu about the period stuff. You need to tell her. I started mine at 9 and was so confused I hid the evidence and went out to visit my dad for the day. Cue my mum phoning and me having to have the talk with my gran because my dad just couldn't discuss it.
My 6yr old knows about periods.

I think it would be good if your dd learned your phone number and address. And began to get a feel for road safety and directions.
Like other posters I think 9 is late to find out about periods, my dd started hers at 9, but I’d always talked about them so she was ok with it.
The mum should have asked you about it, but walking that route with friends is a good way to learn to be independent. The friend obviously knows the route well.

Nellieellie, it’s really not that uncommon for girls to start at 9 or 10, boys and girls should know about it by this age. Imagine if the daughter did start and had no idea what was happening, that just seems so irresponsible

I wouldn’t have a problem with the journey to the dads at 9 tbh. By 8/9 Children without sn should have been taught road sense. And she wouldn’t need to know the way back if her friend did?
If you have chosen not to teach your child how to cross roads or tell her about periods (at an age that some girls start their periods!) that’s not the other mum’s fault.

I'm not sure about the walk - though instinctively I wouldn't like the sound of busy roads.

My two year old, however, has queried blood when I have a period and has learnt her house number/road (we are keen for her to learn address), so I expect to have filled in the gaps by nine. I guess the mum could have said 'ask your mum' rather than tell her...

We all parent differently and I'm much more comfortable with revealing facts than exposure to risk (rightly or wrongly).

Just read that your dd is dyspraxic and dyslexic but I’m not sure how that relates to her being unable to cross roads - have you not taught her? One of my dc is dyspraxic btw so I have sympathy with you maybe being protective but I think you need to make sure she is allowed to do the things her friends can do if she is capable. And she absolutely should know about periods!

My 5 yr old knows her address and where she lives.

Bit far to walk and I wouldn't have been happy either.

But as for periods...I was that 9 yr old who was horrified to find out about periods (horrified and frightened). As such, my 5 yr old daughter AND 4 yr old son both know about periods etc...explained as the comfy lining that's inside Mummy for a baby comes away if it's not needed etc. I can't believe in this day and age that people wouldn't just be natural with their kids about bodies etc. Doesn't need to be done in a sexual way in the slightest really.

I think you sound a little bit precious with her and could do with giving her some life skills etc.

There will be crossing points somewhere - even on busy roads. I used to cross dual carriages and similar to get to school but there were lights at junctions (even if you had to walk a bit). Her friend would be familiar with the route.

My DS is much younger than your DD and even he's known about periods for some time. He knew our address when he was in preschool.

I understand why you're worried about her walking to and going into an empty house but I think you need to accept she's growing up.

Ah...just to add....dd is in year 4 at school. She has real trouble with lots of CVC spellings, telling the time, understanding days or the week, turns of phases etc...I still sometimes get asked if a certain mealtime is lunch or dinner. There is no way should could remember an 11 digit phone number (we don't have a landline). I think its possible that other posters have kids at very different stages in their development.

I've talked this all through with my 13 year old dd this eve and asked her how twitchy she reckons I am compared with other parents and think that if this situation had happened with my oldest I wouldn't really have been as phased. Basically this is raising more issues about dd2's development. Anyway I really appreciate your replies and I am going to step on it with the period chat. Hopefully it won't happen till she's 13 (same for dd and myself...and 16 for my sister!).

It's hard to know about the walk without knowing the area, when I was that age I used to walk between my parent's house and mum's best friend's with her daughter the same age as me all the time, we did have to cross roads but it's a small community where everyone knows everyone, and I knew how to safely cross a road by then, I used to walk to primary school with the kids from next door at nine (it was a five minute walk but did involve two road crosses) , friends from further down the street would come for us and then we used to knock for others on the way, so it really depends on the area. You daughter should definitely know about periods and the basics arrive the birds and bees by her age and she should know your number and address.

Sorry hadn't read about her delays, but even so don't be tempted to wrap her in cotton wool

I started my periods at 9 so have always spoken about them in front of my dc from when they were little.

I don't think I'd be happy re walking to the dad's house at 9. Dd is now 10 and I'd be okay now (she's matured a lot in a year) but I'm a bit that your dd doesn't know your address. We moved last year but my dtds both knew our old address in full from 4yo and have learned the new address within days of moving aged 6.

Having said that, the period talk wasn't hers to have and that seems like an attempt by the Mum to be the cool one. That would irritate me, although your dd will need to know and should ideally have heard from you (I thought I was dying aged 9 when my period started as dm planned to tell me at 10).

Even if it doesn't happen for her until 16, how will she feel when everyone around her starts. Dd at 10 isn't showing signs of changing shape but her best friend has full on boobs. (Even in year 4 they notice - dtds are year 2)

But to walk with her friend she wouldn’t need to know an address or phone number?
The question is is she capable of learning how to cross roads safely? If she is then she needs to be taught. If not then her needs needs to be explicitly laid down to any adults who are left in charge of her otherwise they will, understandably, think she will be capable of things their 9yr old can do.

The world won’t hold back it’s challenges if her development is a little slow (if anything this will mean she faces MORE challenges) so it’s even more important to make sure that she’s getting as prepared as possible - facing new challengs with a friend is a great way for her to build confidence. You sound caring but PPs are right - you can’t protect kids as much as you’d like unfortunately

I accidentally had the period talk with the neighbour's 9 year old kid a few years ago, my then 5 year old had told her that "My mummy is on her period so not feeling well today". When she asked what a period was, I just assumed she would know so said "you know, when women bleed every month". Her reaction of "WHAT!!!!" clued me into the fact she was clueless, despite her having 4 teenager sisters. Ooops. I had to explain a little otherwise she might have freaked out further.

Road - I would be miffed at that.

Re crossing the roads etc yanbu.

Re the periods - I’m really quite surprised that she didn’t have ANY clue what they are at 9. My 5 year old knows.

YANBU re walking to the dad's house, that's a long way for a 9 yo and doesn't sound safe at all.

Re periods, I'm very surprised you haven't already had that chat. A couple of my school friends started their periods aged 10 and 11. I know that's early but it can happen. You can have that conversation in an age appropriate way. And the danger of leaving it too long is, as you've discovered, that she will learn it from another source you have no control over.

It sounds like she needs some help and practice getting herself slowly ready for secondary school, so things aren’t a shock in 2 and a bit years time.

15 years ago, when I was just 10, I was allowed to cycle up the road I live on (main road into the village) along a country lane, cross a 60mph road with no pedestrian crossing, down a bridle way (so about 1.5miles) with a friend and then play in a set of woods for the afternoon and cycle home. No mobile phone. I recognise this is probably at the relaxed end of parenting though!

Can your dd learn it with a pneumonic perhaps? Oh, said the fly to (07352) six feeding frogs on the elephant (645138) or something somehow like that? Remember if she knows the structure of phone numbers it could just be 07 (same for all) and then 3x 3 digit numbers which split up could be more manageable. I really tend to think knowing at least one phone number is really as close to essential as can be , especially as you say you have no landline (so no one can even look you up in the phone book).

YANBU about the walking to the dads. O wouldn't let my dd 9 do that.

I am surprised she doesn't know about periods tho ugh. 9 yo can start their periods, it would be awful to start without knowing what they are.

Even my.ds 4 knows the very basic idea of a period because I'm his Mum and I have them.