Borderline personality disorder, have you met one?

[BossyPaws]

I have recently been diagnosed with BPD after years of feeling like an alien sent down to observe the human race.

But now I'm curious, what do other people see?

Have you ever met anyone with BPD and how did they present?

Obviously to me I'm totally normal and everyone else is odd but AIBU to be really, really curious as to how my condition presents to other people?? Please be honest, I'm impossible to offend.

@Gamerchick I was using this thread alongside my own experience to warn someone over what most people with BPD have commonly experienced, I'm not sure why this has offended you so much but it is an incredibly common experience that I wanted LEM to be warned of. I also never said it changed the tone just that it was visible here.

Ok I understand.

An ex-friend; was needy, dishonest, sweet, generous, an utter arse, selfish, unstable, used it as an excuse for abusive type behaviours and to get their own way. Was hard work to be involved with and I'm horrified that he now lives with young kids of his most recent partner, but seems incapable of living alone so moves from one partner to the next. Have to clarify that he is also a selfish arse and that I don't equate that with the bpd, he just is!

That's right Momo, in my case I fixate on specific people and obsess over them. DH gets the brunt of it as I've convinced myself he doesn't love me, he couldn't possibly, no way and any minute now he will cheat on me or just bugger off. So if he goes out and is longer than expected he's clearly meeting another woman or has run off and I'll never see him again. So I text him to a) make sure he's still alive and b) remind him I'm still alive. It may only be 10 minutes longer than normal but once his time allocation is up, that's it, he's gone and probably isn't coming back. It's ridiculous.

My DH has a diagnosis of BPD and this is exactly what he can be like. I dare not post about him on MN because I know I'll be told to LTB, that he's a controlling arsehole etc. He's not: he's the sweetest, gentlest, kindest, most loving man I have ever had the good fortune to meet and he would move the world for me. He just needs a bit of understanding and, tbh, a bit of handholding at times because of his diagnosis. He knows he can be like this and fortunately because he's engaged well with his therapy I can just gently mention to him that's he's being like this (our code is that I text him "calm down dear") and he reins it right in. And then quizzes me in a really cute manner about my night and insists on catching up with all the gossip- he's reassuring his diagnosis that I'm not leaving him at the same time demonstrating that he's showing an interest. I love him with all my heart but ye gods it can be exhausting at times.

Wouldn't change him for the world though.

Just as a word of caution, I would say that a thread pitched as "please be brutally honest" isn't the place you'll necessarily find friendly non-judgmental support.

I feel similarly uncomfortable reading ASD threads (one at the moment had a vague "are all autistic people abusive?" question which frankly made me feel very cross for a while). I try to remember we're not all the same and people are imperfect. Also even if there are explanations for behaviour, it doesn't stop it hurting other people sometimes.

Mogleflop - I think that's well put. I struggle with this myself. I am fairly sure that my FIL is autistic (he has VERY pronounced symptoms) and I think my MIL might also be autistic (though this is less clear-cut). For a long time, I struggled with where the morality of the situation lay - should we all cut them a load of slack for bad behaviour because of this, or should they be held to account like anyone else?

Then someone on here said to me "Hey, I think you're being really awful and stereotypical about autism. I'm autistic but I work REALLY HARD every day to make sure I don't hurt people's feelings, and so do most other autistic people I know.". And I thought - that's it, really, in a nutshell. Whether someone has a non-neurotypical brain, a MH issue or a personality disorder, it's not a free pass, though it may be a claim to a bit more tolerance.

In my case, I have come to the conclusion that my inlaws are just not very nice people and that this, not autism, is the problem.

@BossyPaws I have just been diagnosed with bpd and I very much manifest as @CthulhuInDisguise has described. It's been very debilitating. Obviously everyone is different but your symptoms don't resonate with me as bpd.

I was diagnosed as a teenager. I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused and in care from a young age - the abandonment and rejection issues are VERY real. I have been on different meds and counselling, none of it helped (actually made it worse sometimes) but I have found the older I've got slightly more stable (possibly hormones). BPD is the epitome of self destruction. I hate the stigma attached to it but unfortunately it can be true - you are so used to being the victim you don't know how to identify otherwise and situations are manipulated to make other people the bad guy/that bad things are not your own fault (even when they definitely are). We also tend to be very self involved because we were (usually) not shown how to treat other people and be considerate of their feelings over your own.

Personally, I am super sensitive, constantly feel inadequate and my moods are....turbulent. I am very empathetic though and read people and their moods well - all part of the defense mechanism for seeing if people are going to leave me. My partners have generally said I was a very caring gf - yet suffocating and it could be like walking on eggshells. I think as far as friends go, I'm not overly attached (I'm a bit of an introvert and like my own space), but I'm definitely an oversharer and can be quite overbearing too, ironically, to get over my social awkwardness.

We tend to fall into the 'psycho' partner stereotype, but more often than not, it's not out of vindictiveness (although we can be VILE and can hold almighty grudges), it's out of pure fear. We can be some of the most loving, attentive, generous and loyal friends/partners, but as soon as we are slighted, it spirals out of the normal thought processes. In conversations with other BPD sufferers, we also share a sense of heightened sex drives (possibly due to abuse) and have an overwhelming sense of physical emptiness.

The way I describe it is, everyone has a baseline level - neutral - and when they're happy they're above the line, when they're sad, they're below. BPD sufferer's baseline is much nearer the sad line and it doesn't take as much to take us to that very dark place. I also read a great description on here along the lines of 'BPD sufferers are the centre of their universe, when someone leaves them it is as if a planet is leaving their orbit'.

I have actually been in a relationship with a fellow BPD sufferer (unknown when we got together) he had been abused as a child and in adulthood had become self destructive with drugs and other stuff. He was lovely, incredibly thoughtful and romantic, but did not take our initial break up well (threatened to kill himself) I stayed with him for a few months after but we actually ended things on good terms (although he got with his current gf within 2 weeks). It was actually one of the nicest relationships I've had.

yes, i have been diagnosed with BPD/EUPD for over a decade now. I had symptoms since age 16 but only started getting real help in 2012 aged 29. i had a two year course of therapy called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy which did help somewhat.

manifestations: extreme emotional volatility, rage, self harm, eating issues, feelings of emptiness/void, not knowing who i am, afraid of being rejected, paranoia, anxiety, needing to be in control, perfectionist, deep feelings of shame, inferiority, lies, addictive behaviours.

relationships for me are stormy: i tend to isolate myself from people and worry they are judging me. i feel ashamed and unsafe around people. do not really do romantic relationships- not trusting enough. but i have had periods of feeling unsure as to where i stand in relationships.

Neverseen I relate a lot to the fear and being used to being victimised. i was never in care, just a mildly abusive father (verbal emotional and a bit of DV) and some minor sexual abuse. i was bullied badly at primary school, and i feel as though i may have Complex PTSD but have been unable to get a proper diagnosis of it- i have just been told by my DBT therapist that BPD is often linked to trauma. i feel i can never know for sure if those i care about are for me or against me. i have trouble with trusting i will get my needs met. but i wasn't unloved- i have a wonderful mother and i was not physically neglected.

Yes, my ex best friend has it. She was manic quite abit tbh, would stab the sofa, throw things st her husband etc. But most of the time she was my best friend.

She fell out with me 2 years ago, because I didn’t buy her a congrats card after her tummy tuck. I was heavy pregnant st the time.

She sent some proper abusive messages to me, that didn’t make sense at all. And has never spoken to me again, Iv tried though. Emailed and texted her loads but never had a reply.

@VanGoghsOtherEar my own sexual abuse was also mild but certain things still trigger those memories that cause the temp breakdowns, also terrible bullying. I have been diagnosed with PTSD following an abusive relationship but the symptoms had been there long before, they’re incredibly similar, and ptsd is usually associated with one big incident rather than things happening over time.
Trust is a huge issue for me too, I feel like everyone will leave me or is only around out of pity. I question everyone’s motives and was told before I ‘can never allow anyone to do nice things for me’ because I’m convinced there’s an ulterior motive. It’s a very sad existence and if it wasn’t for my son I wouldn’t want to be here feeling this way. I’m almost 30 now, the red mist anger and impulsiveness is far better, but I feel i’ll always be overwhelmingly sad.

No real advice but just to clarify something upthread, there is a definitive diagnostic criteria for BPD (we now are meant to call it EUPD, borderline type). I've c&p' d it below from the dsm5 if it helps anyone. A diagnosis of 'traits' means that a person fits some of the criteria but not the required number (5):

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

(2) a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

(3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

(4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, Substance Abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

(5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

(6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

(7) chronic feelings of emptiness

(8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

(9) transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

UbiquityTree I also have diagnosis of OCD and binge ED.

NeverSeen It is horrible, isn't it? I don't get many visual flashbacks of my father's abuse but i do get emotional ones- and i still am afraid of him, to some degree, although he is kinder to me than he used to be. still nasty to my mum and sister though.

UbiquityTree They may not be core traits (as in included in the diagnostic criteria) but they are often seen in BPD. However, those are only some types of BPD- Uusally the impulsive, (some people call it extroverted BPD) where rather than being mild mannered appeasing people pleaser types they/we (i have this subtype) act out their anger and behave in near sociopath ways (although we do have a conscience), eg violent outbursts, impulsive risk taking behaviour. There are crossovers of Narcissistic PD or Histrionic PD sometimes seen too.

What is important to remember though, is when i act out like that the emotions i feel are fear, panic, like i just can't cope, and often a lot of self hatred. And many of us take our anger out on ourselves also- we cut, bit eor punch ourselves, many of us have EDs of some kind. Many of us become addicts or end up in jail. Our breakdowns look like tantrums some of the time. What they actually are is we feel triggered. we feel unimportant to those in our lives. many of us were put down all our lives and have very thin skins. The fears we have are often the same as the more inward acting ""Quiet BPDs" but the fears are the same- of not being accepted, of not having our inner neds met, of not being good enough. Of being shameful. And many of us Extroverted BPDs live with the fear that we are monsters- that we are evil.

@UbiquityTree the way you’re being treated by those supposed to help is awful. I’ve actually had a doctor I saw because I was suicidal tell me bpd doesn’t exist and it’s attention seeking (despite the fact I’ve hidden almost all suicide attempts and self harm for 20 years). Are you getting treatment on the NHS?

@VanGoghsOtherEar people really underestimate how much a constant trauma effects people compared to more ‘significant’ events which is what I meant by what I said before about PTSD (I’m not describing it well so I hope you understand what I mean) It wears you down and conditions you. I’m NC with my parents, they weren’t even particularly cruel to me, but I was very much knowingly unwanted, the abuse itself was in care, it’s hard to give trust when everyone around you growing up destroys it

Having said all that, UbiquityTree, I do feel pretty bad for how the majority of BPD sufferers get judged for the behaviour of a small minority of us. I also have a theory though (and i'm not particularly a feminist) that historically most BPDers get a hard time because most of us are women. I have even had the label "hysterical" applied to me by healthcare workers. Said in such a dismissive way.

I feel bad for not being the "good person" type of Borderline. I can be a people pleaser, in that i often have trouble saying no, but i have a selfish side, and although i can be ultra conscientious, i am usually conscientious about things that concern me. and i can also be an impulsive nightmare- a near hypomanic whirlwind of irresponsible decisions. I have been near bankruptcy twice, I have alienated more friends than i can count, have taken overdoses hoping to be found because i just can't bear the pain of someone being mad at me, i have made terrible career decisions. my own concerns are so big to me that it is as though tthe world outside does not exist except to help prope me up in times of crisis. i am working on being less self centered. I feel the same about my eating disorder as well- I do not have the "good person's EDs- anorexia or bulimia. I have BED, which to the world means I am a greedy glutton and a lazy slob. I grew up with a very unselfish mother and a very "good" sister (neither of them borderline) so i do not understand why i am so different to be honest!

I have BPD and ASD diagnoses (unclear if I have both since they're so often misdiagnosed). Mine presenting as complete chaos, complete inability to have relationships without constant drama, self harm, alcoholism, drug taking etc. Self-sabotage too. Had to be in love or I'd die, but then I'd cheat when I was 'in love' because I just craved the validation and was totally self-absorbed even though I'm extremely empathic. I just have zero impulse control. I also had eating disorders.

I've been friends with bpd women. One I think was diagnosed and one who wasn't. I'm autistic. I think the difference between me and the other two women was their need for drama. Big drama with police/hospital. I couldn't cope with it at all.
I can't explain in more detail as it's very outing. I understand the meltdown and stress not being neurotypical.

I have a friend with BPD.

He seeks constant reassurance and propping up. If you aren't forthcoming, he will conversationally back you into a corner where you are forced to either reassure him or criticise him. It's not always clear which he wants, either. He admits himself that he manipulates people.

When he makes a new friend I don't hear from him for a few months as he will focus solely on this new friendship. When he gets back in touch he will tell me how awful this person is and all the terrible things that they have done to him and how he will never see or speak to them again.

He is often suicidal and doesn't take care of himself well.

Impulse purchases are a big problem and subsequently so is debt. In the past he was very promiscuous and did a lot of drugs and seems to have replaced this with food.

Unlike you, he is very easily offended and will take what is, for example, a thoughtless comment and turns it into weeks of arguments in which he invariably loses the person who said the comment as a friend.

I care for him a lot and its really upsetting to see his illness cause him to push others away when all he really wants is to be liked. Without doubt, every day is a struggle for him. He's lost all faith in Dr's so I'm afraid that things will not improve. I've never knowingly met anyone else with BPD so I'm not sure if all this is typical or if it's like a spectrum? He's also very intelligent and he's got a wicked sense of humour which is how we came to be friends.