Borderline personality disorder, have you met one?

[BossyPaws]

I have recently been diagnosed with BPD after years of feeling like an alien sent down to observe the human race.

But now I'm curious, what do other people see?

Have you ever met anyone with BPD and how did they present?

Obviously to me I'm totally normal and everyone else is odd but AIBU to be really, really curious as to how my condition presents to other people?? Please be honest, I'm impossible to offend.

I also work with people with BPD. In the past it was thought that this was a pretty impossible condition to treat (and unfortunately you may still meet professionals who respond to you like that), but now the thinking is more about PD traits being an adult manifestation of childhood abuse. I think this really changes how you are viewed - for example you said that you are manipulative and hate it, however if you think of a child and the inner resources they have to cope with abuse and trauma - of course they are likely to go about getting their needs met in some unhelpful ways, because adults around them have failed to meet their needs in awful ways.

Your asking this question demonstrates a wonderful level of insight that I would say will really help you to work on the behaviours and difficulties that go alongside the diagnosis, such as relationship issues.

Have your mental health providers offered you any psychological interventions? It sounds like you are probably a good candidate for them.

My Dr has just suggested that I have this . At first I was relieved that there was a reason that I am like I am but after reading around the subject I am devastated. My dd suffers with depression and now I know it is my fault. I loathe myself and know that I don't deserve happiness. My mother clearly fits the diagnosis also.

I feel like an evil person.

Oversensituve -tick
Worried what people think - tick (yet try not to show this. Bravado)
Anxiety at ridiculous levels - big tick
Never really had any friends - tick. People get sick of me.
Convinced dp will leave me - but after 25 years of putting up with me he's still here.

I had a normal childhood. Other than losing my virginity too young to an older married man that I was obsessed with. There is no history of abuse. So that part doesn't fit.

I'm very frightened at the moment to what this will mean and what will happen next.

My mother. Her volatility when I was a child was not just frightening, it was absolutely terrifying. I do have good memories of childhood but I have far more awful ones. I ended my relationship with her eleven years ago when, to punish me for some transgression or other, she turned her sights on my children. She is a danger to their mental health and there is no way I will let them suffer the way we did. She annihilated any self-worth I ever had. She's self-absorbed, manipulative, cruel and determined to ruin absolutely everything. I just couldn't do it any more.

I really hope treatments are better for those of you recently diagnosed and I hope you get more peace than my mother has.

I'm not diagnosed yet, still waiting for help to materialise, but I think I have BPD. Did suffer prolonged childhood abuse at the hands of an alcoholic parent. I'm quite good at going out etc (though I do have extremely reclusive phases), but I struggle terribly with people. I constantly feel that I have said/done the wrong thing, and so constantly seek reassurance from others that I haven't (which is very wearying for them)..my mood swings are frequent and intense..I can go from complete elation to utter despair in seconds at the slightest of triggers...like wise I am either unrealistically self confident of I'm uber conscious that I'm utter shit (mostly the second,)..I don't feel like a proper, normal person, but like a child pretending to be an adult (I'm almost 50!)..combine all this with bouts of depression, chronic overeating, anxiety and, ocd. Someone should have bumped me off years ago.

I have been diagnosed with schizo affective disorder as I suffer with both Psychosis & depression independently of each other & am medicated for that.

However my psychiatrist also says I have some BPD 'traits'.
I disagree but just cannot get rid of that extra diagnosis.
I have good relationships with my family & friends.
I just have unstable emotions at times basically.

I know two people diagnosed with BPD. I find them to be extremely difficult to deal with in completely different ways, in fact I actively don’t engage with either of them at the moment. I have no other experience of BPD but I’d say they are on the extreme end if there is a spectrum. They chaos they bring to everything and everyone they touch is very hard to deal with. They are paranoid, aggressive, possessive, hurtful, destructive. I’ve been chewed up and spat out by both of them and it was unpleasant in the extreme.

At the same time, I also know what they have been through in their lives and what probably caused the BPD, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I can’t imagine how hard it is for them to be them, if it’s even half as bad as it is dealing with them.

However I wouldn’t judge you by their behaviour - the diagnosis does not the person make and all that.

A key thing for me is that neither of them have engaged with any professional help or treatment offered to them. I have an enduring MH condition myself and I get all the help I can so I can mitigate the difficulties I can unintentionally cause to the people around me.

Just leaving a reply so I can catch up with this tomorrow- I have BPD and often wonder how I come across. Opposite to you I worry about what everyone thinks of me. I tied myself in knots earlier that our neighbours don’t seem to like us, DH isn’t bothered. It is of course me they dislike and I don’t know what I did (walking BPD cliche that I am!)

Another with a diagnosed ex. He was very controlling and manipulative. Phenomenally arrogant. Absolutely everything was about him. He would do some very odd things which included appropriating others experiences and making them his own. For example if you said you were bullied at school, he would relate to others how he was bullied at school for the particular reason you had said you were bullied. Some of these things were very obviously impossible but his therapist seemed to believe him, most odd! He lied too, he still does. I do however think that he believes these lies, not all of them, but the ones that absolve him of responsibility, yes.

hungryhippo90

Just leaving a reply so I can catch up with this tomorrow- I have BPD and often wonder how I come across. Opposite to you I worry about what everyone thinks of me. I tied myself in knots earlier that our neighbours don’t seem to like us, DH isn’t bothered. It is of course me they dislike and I don’t know what I did (walking BPD cliche that I am!)

This. All the time.

@Lemtheoriginal

There are varying degrees of borderline and you sound like a quiet borderline like me but the best thing you can do is not tell people about your diagnosis as you can see by comments on this thread we don't have a good reputation and anyone slightly manipulative is immediately arm chair diagnosed with BPD. We're not all evil though as I said all mine is aimed inward - hurting myself and I regularly punish myself if I believe I have hurt someone I love. I don't think I'm evil not really, I don't demand others time or make everything about me. I hate talking about myself and will happily listen to others problems then try to help them to make my existence worth while it's gotten me taken advantage of a hell of a lot though.

Lady, if it's any help, I don't think that all people with BPD are the same. I'm Autistic and I know we're definitely not all the same so it would be bloody silly to think that everyone with a BPD diagnosis is evil and manipulative.

the best thing you can do is not tell people about your diagnosis as you can see by comments on this thread we don't have a good reputation and anyone slightly manipulative is immediately arm chair diagnosed with BPD

Are we reading the same thread? Where is the armchair diagnosing please?

I had a relative who was diagnosed NPD and a seriously awful unpleasant destructive person (I believe mostly due to the N). They wreaked complete havoc in our family.

I also had a relatively short relationship (1yr) with a man whose mother told me he had BPD (he did not disclose this). She ended up telling me because our relationship began ok but degenerated into complete chaos and almost insanity on both our sides. I just could not work out what on Earth I could ever do to make any of it better and I walked away. He did not want his dx and he did not want to accept it one bit. I believe that the stress of trying to have a relationship drove him to make some absolutely dreadful decisions, risky and reckless behaviour and he just wasn’t/isn’t equipped for life very well. My limited understanding is that there is low func and high func and probably some spectrum of BPD, my ex was nearer the lower end and not really able to understand what this meant for him - and work at it so he will likely repeat these patterns of behaviour his whole life.

Once you have had your life touched with BPD I think it’s too easy to see traits of it in everyone. We all have elements of our personality that are irrational or just different to other people’s. But I try not to armchair diagnose anyone with it and probably now empathise with people who do have BPD and what struggles they face

Yes! It was hell and turned my life upside down.

I have worked with people with BPD and overall I found that they were very manipulative. However they were invariably the victims of childhood physical/emotional/sexual abuse and as a result were very damaged, chronically empty people. I think they try to manipulate others to fulfil something in themselves that is lacking.
BPD is one of the most stigmatised mental health labels and I would be careful about who you disclose to in seeking healthcare as workers can be wary of it. In my relatively uneducated opinion I think it is just one end of the spectrum of reactions to trauma.

NC for this as my usual username could make this person and myself identifiable.

I used to work for someone with all the traits (but no diagnosis) of BPD. She is Head of Department in a secondary school. On the positive side, she was extremely diligent and dedicated and would go out of her way to help anyone. If you asked her for ‘five minutes’ she would happily give you two hours. She never needed asking twice to do anything, and was extremely well-organised.

On the other hand, she was controlling, obsessive, aggressive, lacked empathy and constantly sought recognition and affirmation for everything she did. Everything had to be done ‘her way’ and within her timescales.

She would quite happily destroy other people’s work without a second thought if it suited her. On two separate occasions she literally tore down my pupils’ display work and threw it in the bin because she wanted to put something (or even nothing) else in its place. This really upset the students and me but she just couldn’t have cared less.

She was prone to aggressive outbursts if she felt she was crossed or unappreciated. This would often involve swearing and shouting at members of the department (sometimes in front of others). On one occasion she did this to a sixth form student. She was so insulted that the student had sought help from the other A level teacher rather than herself that she accused the girl of ‘fancying him’. She was a shy and insecure girl and so never took it further.

She was an atrocious listener. Occasionally, she’d make efforts to have a ‘chat’ but it came across as forced and unnatural. She’d ask a question but then wouldn’t listen to the answer before rapid-firing more questions. It felt like an inquisition rather than genuine interest.

She used to be the second in department but spent about a decade systematically undermining and destroying the HOD. His style of work and skill-set was totally different from hers and she couldn’t appreciate that at all. In the end he left, and the headteacher (for some insane reason) promoted her instead.

In the last three academic years 17 members of staff (myself included) have left the department. The department has a FTE of 9. I am still in contact with 7 of them, who have all stated that she was the reason they left. Apart from her and the second in department, the combined teaching experience of the rest of the teaching staff is now two years.

Because of her meticulous attention to detail, dedication and work ethic the department seems well organised at first glance. She is a skillled (although very intense) classroom teacher and her classes’ results are good. Just ignore the trail of dead bodies left in her wake...

Eek it’s quite souks destroying reading accounts of people’s interaction with those who have bpd, just to say we aren’t all the same

jammie there's a similar thread on another board ripping into Autistic people. We're not all the same, either!

More than one, as it runs in my family, so my father had it, couple of my cousins on his side have it. I appear to have been hit with the lucky stick and didn't get it, although I suspect one of my nephews may have it.

My father had my mother to steer him right and although it was sometimes very frustrating for her, she helped him build a normal life. One of my cousins is adrift as nobody like being around him anymore due to the manipulative side of BPD. The other one lives with his mum and usually takes meds and does reasonably alright.

I had a friend with bpd. She was mostly generally lovely, kind and fun to be around. However she had a habit of either idealising people or totally demonising them, they were either lovely or evil. She kept falling out with people and eventually I found it too stressful, I was never sure of what I had done to offend her and she never ever said.

Yes, one of my friends. Her presentation is basically

• completely lacking in empathy for others
• very self-absorbed (got in a huge mood with a mutual friend in financial crisis because she didn't have £800 to spend on accommodation for her wedding)
• liable to go completely and utterly mad at someone (usually a partner) when she is drunk and ring friends up sobbing at 2am
• has a victim-complex, in which she is the sole star of her own victim narrative, which excludes any possibility of anyone else having problems
• generally quite lonely, because her behaviour pushes everyone away or leads to incredibly one-sided relationships that no-one will really tolerate.

yep, me. diagnosed BPD, OCD, PTSD, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, alcoholic.

i don’t drink any more, i am heavily medicated and my life is pretty shit. so, there’s that. everyone’s different. i had a horrific childhood, and people describing their experiences with awful, manipulative people (some of whom they only SUSPECT of having bpd) are very hurtful.

i was utterly let down by all my grownups. my parents are alcoholics, our household was full of bitterness and violence. nobody taught me how to be a person, so i just copy everyone else. i’m always a half-step behind though.

i’m 45. but, i’m also still a small frightened child. it’s awful. so, please don’t judge or label people. we all have our own stuff going on.

I have the diagnosis, although I think C-PTSD is the more approriate term for me, personally, since my issues are rooted in lots of varied abuse and neglect.

Personally I'm one of the quiet types, whose issues are turned against myself. I do self-harm, have an eating disorder and a host of other unhealthy coping mechanisms, but I keep these quiet and invisible for the most. I don't have huge ups and downs in my emotions, and don't tend to show them if I do. I have a very hard time trusting people, which means I just don't interact a lot with people I don't know very well. I do get some abandonment issues, but mostly just emotion-wise, and with regards to my therapist and occasionally DH, and I'm self-aware enough to address these like a grown up.

I have also been close friends with two individuals with a BPD diagnosis. These, too, had a massively horrible history of abuse from early childhood.

Friend 1 I knew when we were both still quite young. She did come across as manipulative and histrionic, which was hard to understand and take at the time, as I had little knowledge of what this diagnosis really meant. She was a difficult friend to have, as a minor thing (to me) could often cause huge upset and a dramatic emotional response from her. But she was also the only friend who never judged me on my own unhealthy issues, who always tried to understand and was there for you. We sadly fell out because she fell into a very abusive relationship, and I fell out with her BF.

Friend 2 has only got her diagnosis now in her 50s. She has always kept all her issues bottled up, taking things quietly out on herself, isolating herself, telling herself for not coping with "normal life" etc. There is nothing in her usual day to day demeanor that would make one suspect anything other than depression. When she's unwell, she withdraws and isolates herself. But she, too, is a wonderfully caring friend, who I can talk to about anything. We don't have an intense, close friendship (like I did with Friend 1), but what I think is a healthy adult one, where we're there for each other when and how much we can, but living our own lives, not in each others' pockets.

There is obviously a massive amount of stigma wrt this diagnosis. Many, if not most, people will assume people with the diagnosis all "act out" noticably and can't have healthy relationships (certainly not true in my case), blow hot and cold and have extreme reactions to things. I know that can be true with some (I've known a lot of BPD sufferers online), I don't think it's the majority, especially as the individuals get older. If you have any intelligence, you do learn in some point how others will react to you if you behave in this way, and you turn the stuff inwards, at yourself, and learn to put on a mask and function with others.

One friend and one acquaintance with BPD. The friend is a beautiful person, she'd do anything for anyone. She's also incredibly sensitive and tends to push people away and then pull them very close, that can be very draining. I get it though, I know enough about her past that her extreme emotions make complete sense. She needs understanding not judgment.

The other person I befriended through an online support forum (or I think I just got drawn into her group). She'd make many cries for help but that turn into a prize pain in the arse, and the support group largely fell apart because of her (and untrained forum guides). It was like going back to childhood games. I feel for her, but it was too much for me to cope with, I hope she gets the help she so desperately needs.

I have a friend diagnosed with BPD. She had a horrific childhood. She is quite draining, she has had many friends who just got exhausted and gave up. I'm careful with boundaries and don't let myself get sucked in more than I can cope with. I think her main issue is trying to solve problems with a quick fix, which ends up creating more problems and drama than it solves.