Is this controlling or normal?

[Contwixt]

Hi,

I will try not to drip feed. I am not sure if this is relevant to AIBU section - posting mostly for traffic.

I have been in a long term relationship with my partner for 4 years. We have been having separate houses and finances. I was intending to move into his house in August (some 200 miles away). As soon as I move in, I will not be entitled to any form help, I will have no financial means for myself unless I get a job.

I am disabled and I have a child from a previous relationship. I am due to have my twins with my current partner in a matter of days...

He has briefly moved in to mine (he is able to work all over the country so has a job here) due to the impending birth. Therefore, I have done things by the book and informed relevant people and my money has stopped.

The issue is that I’m not sure if he is extremely controlling money wise or if it’s normal? Though he is self employed - he is on a six figure salary, after tax, pension NI etc etc. he comes home with just over £6000 a month. bills are roughly £1500 a month all in.

His plan of action is to cover all bills, food shop, essentials such as nappies, milk and uniforms etc. But will not be giving me money personally. He has said that I don’t need it because everything will be covered.

Since coming up, he is in sole control of the food shop already (we can only have items if they are in the sale/reduced. If I wanted something that wasn’t discounted, then I would be told to put it back. For example, I wanted some chicken and as it was £3 odd, I had to put it back). He regularly checks my eBay account to see if I have bought anything. He does not want a joint bank card - fair enough, his choice. I suppose it is his money after all. I have been told that I am not allowed to buy anymore baby items because he said I have too much (I actually don’t, think he will be surprised when they arrive!).

Plus lots more - I’ll be here all day.

As it stands, I’ve got £1.60 in my account and have for weeks. In his account, he has £3000 and due another £3500 in the next few days. Plus he has an over draft of £1000.

I am not sure if this is normal. I have been on my own and have my own finances. I of course will try look for a job but doubt anywhere will take me on being 9 months pregnant now.. and being disabled also makes things harder. I am just finding it really degrading not having any money in my own account. I would love to have a coffee at Starbucks tomorrow but can’t go. I would love to book in for my hair to be done just before birth but I can’t afford it. I feel depressed. If this is the norm then I suppose I will be better off being a single parent. I honestly don’t know if this is how couples living together work as I’ve been on my own really for years and had my own finances.

Ps OP I wish you would show this thread to your mum. Please look after yourself and ignore the haters on here.

Anytime he is out of the house call your midwife.
Also please, please call you local women's aid number. Even if it is just to hear a sane human voice on the end of the phone that supports you wholeheartedly.

As for your mums comments, you don't have to "work it out" other than work out the fact that he's an abusive arsehole and you'll do better without him.

Some of the posters on here want to take a good long look at themselves sending such negativity and judgement towards someone who's heavily pregnant with twins, ill and in an abusive relationship. They should be ashamed.

My son's dad didn't show his true colours until I got pregnant and by that point I'd lived with him for four years!! Perhaps I should have had a crystal ball, shame on me starting a family with a guy I loved and thought I knew well.

Please don’t move in with this man and don’t let him stay with you, suggest he goes home for whatever reason... get him out of your life

He will just about be doing the bare minimum, paying bills, but he has shown op that she will have to beg for necessities, th answer will probably be no. So if he's quibbling over school uniform, and £3 chicken, she has no hope of having a haircut, new dress, or going out for coffee with friends. This will tie her to tge home, and leave her trapped and isolated, her MH will be through the roof. Everyone deserves dignity and to have some nice things in their life. He woukd not. Whilst he gets a £10k car, she has £1.50 in her bank, he is quibbling over school uniform and baby items. See how wrong that is!

Have you worked recently? Might you be entitled to claim maternity allowance? www.gov.uk/maternity-allowance/eligibility

Hand holding Contwixt. You know you can do this, I hear this in your posts. You're bound to be weary now and for a few months.

You are amazing. Keep going.

If the hv or midwife isn't supportive, ask for another one.

Fair enough for you to look at finances together and realise that you need to cut down, but
A. It sounds as if money isn't really scarce.
B. He's dictating to you
C. You don't know actual finances and he's probably lying to you.

If you can get evidence of what he generally brings in, then photocopy everything. Because as soon as he needs to prove what he earns for maintenance calculations, you can bet your bottom dollar he will "prove" he's earning peanuts.
Don't worry about the threats of 50:50. He's bluffing.

Does anyone know whether how, not naming him on the birth certificate, would affect claiming maintenance? Because if it doesn't affect it, then I wouldn't be putting his name on the certificate.

He doesn't have to be on the birth certificate for you to claim maintenance successfully. My youngests isn't on the bc and he pays via the csa

I honestly think you'd be better off changing the locks, leave him a note on the front door and tell him to find someone else to bully and make miserable. Get your mum to stay, and make the Police aware if he starts kicking off, and tell your Midwife that you are vulnerable.

It doesn't have to be like this .

OP, your story reminds me so much of my own. I left a long time ago.

I was with my ex for several years, living in different parts of the country but eventually we got a place together. I got pregnant and then things went downhill. He was verbally abusive, constantly threatening me. I had serious complications in my pregnancy but he didn't care. He wanted to be present for midwife appointments etc because he wanted to make sure I didn't say anything I shouldn't.

After the baby came I was doing all the childcare, housework, and had to have dinner on the table every night when he came home and cooked all meals at the weekend. He would try to make my life difficult, including waking the baby up when I was having a rest. He shouted and threw things.

He expected me to make a large contribution to the rent and bills each month, effectively taking all my SMP and child benefit and leaving me with nothing. Fortunately I had some money in the bank which I had to use for the shopping, to keep my car running, buy things for the baby etc. I was very isolated as I had moved to his part of the country and didn't feel I could tell anyone what he was like.

Although he has continued to control me through the courts I have never regretted leaving.

Your partner won't get 50/50 with newborns. Even if he had childcare, no judge would favour that over children being cared for by a parent. He has no idea how difficult looking after twins will be. I suspect he won't really be that interested until they're a older and need less looking after. That's what happened in my situation.

*I honestly think you'd be better off changing the locks, leave him a note on the front door and tell him to find someone else to bully and make miserable. Get your mum to stay, and make the Police aware if he starts kicking off, and tell your Midwife that you are vulnerable.

It doesn't have to be like this *

This ☝️

So sorry for what you're having to deal with just now OP. Being pregnant with twins is hard enough without everything you're going through. However hard it is though, if you can I'd be getting him out now. You'll be exhausted, hormones all over the place when the twins are here and your resistance will be much lower.

Homebrew-he's getting free childcare x 2 plus free housekeeper plus OP is putting on her own career on hold. How would you like it if the tables were turned and you were given 'beer money'?! She doesn't even have that!! Don't usu rant at anyone on here but WHAT era are u living in?

Fuck off home and box

Guess what. I’m a single parent of two. They’re supported by other people’s taxes. And maintenance from their fathers. And?? Do you have a magic wand to suddenly make me or the op not disabled anymore? Would love that! Would love to be able to work!
Do you seriously think it can be justified that she can’t even afford to buy herself a coffee?? That she has to ASK for items on the shopping, and if he decides they’re too expensive (£1 to £1.50 for fucks sake!) that’s ok because she’s not earning so why should she have something for her??

You’re not human. You can’t be. You’re cruel and horrible and need to fuck off.

'*I honestly think you'd be better off changing the locks, leave him a note on the front door and tell him to find someone else to bully and make miserable. Get your mum to stay, and make the Police aware if he starts kicking off, and tell your Midwife that you are vulnerable.

It doesn't have to be like this *'

This! Your midwife needs to know he's actually abusive but she seems more concerned about breastfeeding than your mental health. Feeding is up to you and the medications you take are up to you and your doctor. Please contact Women's Aid.

And don't listen to the Katie Hopkins Wannabes.

Hope you're okay OP x

I hope op is ok too, mabey she is busy with her twins.

Hi Contwixt how are things with you? x

Sit him down and explain the facts of life to him. You need some of your own money to spend and you need to feel like you have a say in family purchases.