Is this controlling or normal?

[Contwixt]

Hi,

I will try not to drip feed. I am not sure if this is relevant to AIBU section - posting mostly for traffic.

I have been in a long term relationship with my partner for 4 years. We have been having separate houses and finances. I was intending to move into his house in August (some 200 miles away). As soon as I move in, I will not be entitled to any form help, I will have no financial means for myself unless I get a job.

I am disabled and I have a child from a previous relationship. I am due to have my twins with my current partner in a matter of days...

He has briefly moved in to mine (he is able to work all over the country so has a job here) due to the impending birth. Therefore, I have done things by the book and informed relevant people and my money has stopped.

The issue is that I’m not sure if he is extremely controlling money wise or if it’s normal? Though he is self employed - he is on a six figure salary, after tax, pension NI etc etc. he comes home with just over £6000 a month. bills are roughly £1500 a month all in.

His plan of action is to cover all bills, food shop, essentials such as nappies, milk and uniforms etc. But will not be giving me money personally. He has said that I don’t need it because everything will be covered.

Since coming up, he is in sole control of the food shop already (we can only have items if they are in the sale/reduced. If I wanted something that wasn’t discounted, then I would be told to put it back. For example, I wanted some chicken and as it was £3 odd, I had to put it back). He regularly checks my eBay account to see if I have bought anything. He does not want a joint bank card - fair enough, his choice. I suppose it is his money after all. I have been told that I am not allowed to buy anymore baby items because he said I have too much (I actually don’t, think he will be surprised when they arrive!).

Plus lots more - I’ll be here all day.

As it stands, I’ve got £1.60 in my account and have for weeks. In his account, he has £3000 and due another £3500 in the next few days. Plus he has an over draft of £1000.

I am not sure if this is normal. I have been on my own and have my own finances. I of course will try look for a job but doubt anywhere will take me on being 9 months pregnant now.. and being disabled also makes things harder. I am just finding it really degrading not having any money in my own account. I would love to have a coffee at Starbucks tomorrow but can’t go. I would love to book in for my hair to be done just before birth but I can’t afford it. I feel depressed. If this is the norm then I suppose I will be better off being a single parent. I honestly don’t know if this is how couples living together work as I’ve been on my own really for years and had my own finances.

Sounds like an arse

Oh and if he's self employed he won't be paying 40% tax!

Lived with a guy like this - lost my benefits to live with him, he was on a good wage, I couldn’t even afford a train ticket to go to a job interview and he wouldn’t lend me the money.

Never again.

50/50 custody is a threat to deter you from splitting. The man can’t wash up a fucking plate, I cannot imagine he would deal with looking after children, or cough up the money to pay for someone else to look after them.

A good partner doesn’t have to threaten you to keep the relationship alive, they treat you with the respect you deserve. Money aside, what does this man actually do to make you happy?

Kick him out with the help of your mum. Your mental health will suffer more with him in your life. Then when babies are born go to CMS remember that any money he has to give you is better than none initially because as self employed his net profit will probably be showing artificially low.

Fuck that for a game of cards, your better off on benefits. Just kick him out and go to the CAB to make sure your applying for all your etitled to or go on the benefit calculators.

Why should OP be on benefits, Rudgie, when she is having twins with a man who earns a six-figure salary?? FFS.

OP. He sounds like a disaster. Very controlling. Not normal at all. Leave him, get your own place, and claim child maintenance from him.

Did you not talk about money and how all this would work before you decided to ttc/move in together??? Did you not notice him being mean/tight before?

Exactly. Partner of 4 years.
However , do not let him move in or be on tenancy. OP residence, you are in charge. Your twins, no birth certificate yet, you are in charge.

Hi OP tell your mid wife what's going on and contact women's aid. There are organisations to help you.
What a tight fisted pig. You know you will have a miserable existence with him.
Well done for posting - it's not normal behaviour is it.
He will need to pay you maintainace - he maybe a total liar about anything he says. Not that it matters but have you ever been to his home? Met his family?
He maybe on benefits?
You can't trust him. He will promise to change and may do for 5 minutes but he will revert to type.
Get some support 🌺

When your mum comes will she help you get him to leave?

If he goes out to work you could call your midwife and/or women's aid while he's out. This will help you hugely in the short term, but also in the long term as having his financial and emotional abuse "on paper" will help you going forward to.

Don't falter or fall for his crocodile tears.

I am quite frugal in that I look for deals and try not to spend unnecessarily, but this is not being frugal, this is about being controlling and it shows you not only how he feels about you, the person he's meant to love, but also about your DD, and you unborn children.

So you lose income by him moving in and he is not allowing you to make choices or have anything for yourself?
The alternative is you moving there and having no job or choices? This is as big a red flag as you can get.
This man does not trust you. Not one bit. He is already threatening you about maintenance and custody and you plan to marry him?
You can survive on your previous income topped up with additional allowances.
If he thinks he can earn 6k in half the number of weeks because he will be looking after twins the other half then he is deluded. If he gets someone in for his time he still has to drive a total of 800 miles per visit. Fantastic eye opener with twins!
He is using his money to control you now and it will get worse when the babies arrive as you will not be valued at all. He will eat away at every last bit of confidence until you beg him to take the kids.
Ask him to go. You do not need this man in your life.

I've just seen your other thread about his cat. The cat itself is a red herring, a distraction from the fact he's a selfish arsehole. Beginning of March he didn't even barely visit you because he didn't want to upset the bloody cat! You've been physically struggling and he didn't put you first. He's knowingly left you in pain rather than put the cat in the car or a cattery.

Also, he's going on a stag weekend and paintballing when you have newborn twins?! Wasn't hard for him to fork out the cash for those either was it, and he's saying no to baby bibs and chicken!

OMG is OP's partner the precious cat man? I remember that thread. OP, seriously, do NOT give up your home or money for this selfish man.

Why have kids with him without discussing this? Are you married? If not, you have put yourself and your children in a stupid position

Why are you ashamed Contwixt? You have nothing to be ashamed of. He, on the other hand, has everything to be ashamed of.

That's not how it works Contwixt. DH is on WTC, he gives me £90 a week for dinner money and groceries, I also get CTC and CB. I choose how to spend that money. I'm sitting in the Sainsbury's café, having had breakfast. I've just ordered DD some clothes online. That's how it works.

Boxset have an entire packet of .

How you doing today op? When are these babies coming? This week?

It doesn't add up, he's definitely controlling and abusive, but the actual numbers make no sense, he's either overstating how much he earns or he has other financial commitments. Debts, gambling habit, another family...

Whatshallidonow very unhelpful. What is done is done, and Contwixt is having twins soon. What she can do now, is chuck this awful abusive arsehole out asap, not marry or move in with him, claim what benefits she can and build a life for herself. Any life is better, than one with this man in it. He neither loves or cares for you, he just wants you in your box as a slave whilst he earns a healthy salary, leaving you with just £1.60 in your bank, its a disgrace. Put your kids first, and yourself, don't do it! He is living in your house acting like this, how the hell is he going to be once you move 200 miles away from your mother, your friends and everything your used to, living in his house, totally reliant on him. YOu will be trapped, lonely and your bipolar will probably be through the roof, but he won't care as he has you where he wants.

Different financial arrangements suit different couples. DH and I pay an equal amount into our joint account although I earn a fair bit more, he's left with around £500 a month spends after all bills are covered including cars etc. I'm left with about £1500 but £1000 goes into joint savings, which paid for our house renovations and most of our wedding, I also contributed a lot more to our house deposit, so it's not that I keep it for myself, we have the same amount of disposable income a month and what we do with that is our call, I have a penchant for certain clothing brands, and shine perspex jewellery that's far too expensive for what it is he has his comic books and other geekery I don't understand there's no question or judgement with regard to how we spend our money, I've the bills are covered. We've just booked another holiday and that came out of that savings account too. We also have a joint savings account for monies left over from the joint account and DH manages to save a bit himself when he does overtime etc. DH always offers to do more overtime or wants to contribute equally but to me this is equal because we get the same to spend on ourselves. We don't have DC so there will be times in future where more of the financial pressure will fall to him and he knows that. This is not a fair agreed financial situation OP, please talk to your mum.

She will have no money for herself, op cannot go out for coffee, haircut, dinner, or get a new item as she will not have the money to do so, and he will refuse. She will end up like a slave in his house. All he will pay is the bills, food and kids things, even that he is quibbling about. He refused a £3 chicken and a packet of bibs for the babies. Op had to practically beg for some school dresses from him, that is not a life op, but an existence.

All these people who start questioning (in the "why did you have kids with him" and "why did you get pregnant with him", i.e. the unchangeable things that have already happened and cannot be altered now) remind me of that character in Harry Enfield's show, the old fellow that always came up after the fact, Mr. "You Don’t Wanna Do It Like That", with his 'Now, I do not believe you wanted to do that, did you?’

@Contwixt be very careful about stopping your meds to BF. It might be that he wants to save money but it may Also be that he wants to use that against you inveje future. He's already showing to be a manipulative, scheming person re: 50/50 custody etc. He might go to court claiming you can't look after the kids because your MH has determinated since stoppping the meds. He wants you to stops meds to have you more vulnerable and questioning yourself even more. Please please take care.

Hope you are ok OP, we've not heard from you in a while. Have you had more conversations with him about him leaving?

@Smellyjo I hope she is ok too.
Her other thread said due to be induced mid May. I hope her mother is there.

@Contwixt , we all hope you are fine.