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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this controlling or normal?

343 replies

Contwixt · 29/04/2018 13:51

Hi,

I will try not to drip feed. I am not sure if this is relevant to AIBU section - posting mostly for traffic.

I have been in a long term relationship with my partner for 4 years. We have been having separate houses and finances. I was intending to move into his house in August (some 200 miles away). As soon as I move in, I will not be entitled to any form help, I will have no financial means for myself unless I get a job.

I am disabled and I have a child from a previous relationship. I am due to have my twins with my current partner in a matter of days...

He has briefly moved in to mine (he is able to work all over the country so has a job here) due to the impending birth. Therefore, I have done things by the book and informed relevant people and my money has stopped.

The issue is that I’m not sure if he is extremely controlling money wise or if it’s normal? Though he is self employed - he is on a six figure salary, after tax, pension NI etc etc. he comes home with just over £6000 a month. bills are roughly £1500 a month all in.

His plan of action is to cover all bills, food shop, essentials such as nappies, milk and uniforms etc. But will not be giving me money personally. He has said that I don’t need it because everything will be covered.

Since coming up, he is in sole control of the food shop already (we can only have items if they are in the sale/reduced. If I wanted something that wasn’t discounted, then I would be told to put it back. For example, I wanted some chicken and as it was £3 odd, I had to put it back). He regularly checks my eBay account to see if I have bought anything. He does not want a joint bank card - fair enough, his choice. I suppose it is his money after all. I have been told that I am not allowed to buy anymore baby items because he said I have too much (I actually don’t, think he will be surprised when they arrive!).

Plus lots more - I’ll be here all day.

As it stands, I’ve got £1.60 in my account and have for weeks. In his account, he has £3000 and due another £3500 in the next few days. Plus he has an over draft of £1000.

I am not sure if this is normal. I have been on my own and have my own finances. I of course will try look for a job but doubt anywhere will take me on being 9 months pregnant now.. and being disabled also makes things harder. I am just finding it really degrading not having any money in my own account. I would love to have a coffee at Starbucks tomorrow but can’t go. I would love to book in for my hair to be done just before birth but I can’t afford it. I feel depressed. If this is the norm then I suppose I will be better off being a single parent. I honestly don’t know if this is how couples living together work as I’ve been on my own really for years and had my own finances.

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/04/2018 19:34

This reply has been deleted

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Shampaincharly · 29/04/2018 19:40

It is a good thing they do not live together.
He has his own place 200 miles away. It is her place and she was on benefits before. OP financial situation is much worse now he is in the house " supporting " her.

raindropsandsunshine · 29/04/2018 19:47

@BigPinkBall Oh my husband will fill the car up any time he notices it needs it. What I mean is, we share an account to which he contributes 70% of the money, when that's gone and if I have used up my wages or just don't want to spend more but rather save them (usually I choose to pay for clubs and extras, then things for me) he'll offer more or freely share more. I don't have to ask really. He does have a separate account for business purposes. One joint account only, in our situation, wouldn't work.

NellMangel · 29/04/2018 19:47

He's being a cock.

Get him out and reinstate your benefits.

Good luck with his budgeting if he has two newborns 50:50...which he won't.

raindropsandsunshine · 29/04/2018 19:48

I have spoken to friends who say they've borrowed from their partners and will pay them back. I've never understood it but some people prefer it that way.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2018 19:50

Wow Boxset, what useful and helpful comments.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2018 19:51

Too late now, he shoukd have thought about being ready, before he put his dick in her.

raindropsandsunshine · 29/04/2018 19:52

Wow. No need for such crude, disgusting comments.

GirlsBlouse17 · 29/04/2018 19:53

I'm scared for you OP. I'm scared that he is going to persuade you not to get him to leave. He will be nice for a while until things settle down and then he will go back to his controlling ways . You will breathe fresh air again if he is out of your life

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2018 19:58

That was in response to boxset comment about him not being ready for family life. Well too late now, isent it!

expatinscotland · 29/04/2018 19:59

'Getting pregnant before even living together when you have no means to support your existing child or yourself let alone others was a really poor decision. '

Oh, you again, with another name change. Nothing hides the eugenic vitriol you spread. The OP is disabled. She had means to support herself and her child and will again after she gets rid of her financially abusive dick of a baby daddy. Disabled people are allowed to have children. Hmm

'The issue over money isn't going to resolve over night. You need to talk like adults and decide if it can work or not. He doesn't sound ready to jump into family life.;

Then he should have got the snip or used a condom. You can reason with a financially abusive person so the time to 'talk like adults' is long gone.

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2018 20:02

Not okay. So far from acceptable behaviour that you can’t buy a coffee. You’d be better off single.

MummyHLondon · 29/04/2018 20:05

You need to leave him ASAP and stop finding excuses for him (besides finances he is 'lovely').
No he is not. He is a nasty man who is humiliating you and who also threatens you if you don't do as he says.
Regarding shared custody, people who say he will be give it when the twins turn one are wrong. He has to prove that he can look after them for a start and how can he do this if he travels a lot and all around the country. Courts look at what's best for the children. Given his selfishness too, I can't imagine him being serious about it and it might just an empty threat to keep you under his thumb. Abusive men use kids to keep control over their partner.
That's why it's also important that you don't move closer to his house.
You are hormonal and prob exhausted with the impending birth. One thing at a time, do not move and contact the benefit office.
You will get child benefit whether or not he lives with you.
Just remembered he is also checking your eBay account.. might seem like a small thing but it is not normal. None of it is. Think of your kids first and foremost.

Nunya · 29/04/2018 20:07

There is no way that he makes that much monthly yet only brings in 3k, OP. I would not take his word on that!
He wants you to exclusively breast feed twins because he is CHEAP, not for the benefits to the babies. If he is so concerned about your bi-polar condition and that's the reason that you can't be trusted to have any of HIS $$, and he thinks is a reason that he can tell you what to spend your own money on, then why wouldn't he want you to go back on your necessary medication for your bipolar condition? Probably cause he's only worried about the money he will have to spend on formula for twins! Doesn't sound like he cares about what is best for you at all. What if you can't just breast feed? He is already threatening you with what HE will do if you & he split up! Like other pp have said, that's laughable since he isn't the one who decides about custody or child maintenance, the court does; so anything he says to threaten you into doing things his way is not real! Using your condition against you the way that he has is cruel. You do not have to listen to him. There is no way that I would live in these conditions, nor would I want to raise my 3 children in those circumstances. That is most certainly NOT the way it is done, and you do not have to live this way. He is being unreasonable, controlling and selfish. He isn't being frugal, he is being cheap and mean especially about stuff for the twins. You've had an infant and know what items it takes; does he? Does he have any idea of what babies really need and how much it takes?

eddielizzard · 29/04/2018 20:14

you sound like you have a plan. his behaviour is definitely financially abusive. i'd regard everything that comes out of his mouth a lie. don't let him bully you. get your mum to help you kick him out. he has no right to live with you if you don't want him to.

Original poster
Contwixt · 29/04/2018 20:25

I do not have to justify myself box. If attempting to hurt others on the internet is your joy in life, I pity your happiness.

I honestly can’t be around him anymore. I just feel degraded and humiliated. I will get there in the end... thank you for your advice x

OP posts:
getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 20:31

Oh look, Boxset is being an arse to somebody else in a difficult and oppressive situation. Don't worry OP, I got it both barrels earlier too.

ChasedByBees · 29/04/2018 20:33

This is so far from normal. I’m glad you have alternative plans.

ISpeakJive · 29/04/2018 20:39

OP, please do not put his name on the Birth Certificate.....

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2018 20:40

I’m glad you are making plans. He’s lying about money (or he puts thousands a month voluntarily into a pension whcih is not necessary when you are about to have twins) . He’s lying about going for 50/50 custody - he can’t wash a plate and thinks he will sign up to take care of not one but two babies? Even if he did want to, no court would award him anything but short limited hours with a newborn.

Ohyesiam · 29/04/2018 20:44

This is so out of order.
Ask him why it’s ok for him to keep you like a child, and why you are allowed no choice around food. This is not normal, show him this thread.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 29/04/2018 20:45

www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/detailed-information/drugs-in-breastmilk/ This is really useful if you're planning to breastfeed and would like to know more about medication.

BasilFaulty · 29/04/2018 20:54

Don't show him this thread!! Terrible advice. Shock

Ellendegeneres · 29/04/2018 21:11

cont I’m going to address this first I hope that’s ok.

I am also diagnosed bipolar. When pregnant, I met with professionals all of whom impressed upon me the importance of medication after birth. I was on quitiapine, which was changed to rispiridone (I think that’s how it’s spelt). After birth, my hormones went crazy and I was very much on the bipolar rollercoaster- medication was SO important to my dc and myself, and I was categorically not allowed to breastfeed due to the meds. So please, make it a priority to discuss this before you have your twins.

Your mental health being under control and being able to manage is so much more important than breastfeeding- it is the difference between life and death sometimes. As a woman with bipolar you are more likely than others to get postpartum psychosis. I had it with my first, it is terrifying. I don’t want you to have to go through that.

expatinscotland · 29/04/2018 21:20

Con just remember, he has no right to go to your appointments or to be at the birth. You can tell him you're going out and not tell him where you are going. You can text your midwife or even ring the police. He has no respect for you, your DD or your twins. If he accompanies you to an appointment you can say, 'May I speak with you alone?' to the midwife and he will have to leave. You can tell him he needs to leave and he has to leave.