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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this controlling or normal?

343 replies

Contwixt · 29/04/2018 13:51

Hi,

I will try not to drip feed. I am not sure if this is relevant to AIBU section - posting mostly for traffic.

I have been in a long term relationship with my partner for 4 years. We have been having separate houses and finances. I was intending to move into his house in August (some 200 miles away). As soon as I move in, I will not be entitled to any form help, I will have no financial means for myself unless I get a job.

I am disabled and I have a child from a previous relationship. I am due to have my twins with my current partner in a matter of days...

He has briefly moved in to mine (he is able to work all over the country so has a job here) due to the impending birth. Therefore, I have done things by the book and informed relevant people and my money has stopped.

The issue is that I’m not sure if he is extremely controlling money wise or if it’s normal? Though he is self employed - he is on a six figure salary, after tax, pension NI etc etc. he comes home with just over £6000 a month. bills are roughly £1500 a month all in.

His plan of action is to cover all bills, food shop, essentials such as nappies, milk and uniforms etc. But will not be giving me money personally. He has said that I don’t need it because everything will be covered.

Since coming up, he is in sole control of the food shop already (we can only have items if they are in the sale/reduced. If I wanted something that wasn’t discounted, then I would be told to put it back. For example, I wanted some chicken and as it was £3 odd, I had to put it back). He regularly checks my eBay account to see if I have bought anything. He does not want a joint bank card - fair enough, his choice. I suppose it is his money after all. I have been told that I am not allowed to buy anymore baby items because he said I have too much (I actually don’t, think he will be surprised when they arrive!).

Plus lots more - I’ll be here all day.

As it stands, I’ve got £1.60 in my account and have for weeks. In his account, he has £3000 and due another £3500 in the next few days. Plus he has an over draft of £1000.

I am not sure if this is normal. I have been on my own and have my own finances. I of course will try look for a job but doubt anywhere will take me on being 9 months pregnant now.. and being disabled also makes things harder. I am just finding it really degrading not having any money in my own account. I would love to have a coffee at Starbucks tomorrow but can’t go. I would love to book in for my hair to be done just before birth but I can’t afford it. I feel depressed. If this is the norm then I suppose I will be better off being a single parent. I honestly don’t know if this is how couples living together work as I’ve been on my own really for years and had my own finances.

OP posts:

Lollypop701 · 30/04/2018 20:50

He won’t change... you know this. If you live with him, with no personal income you will live like a pauper... whilst doing all of the childcare and housework. You are not married and he won’t do that in reality... And when you are too old, the kids are grown he will kick you out and you will have no rights to his money/pension/house. Your choice to stay or go... I know what mine would be

AhNowTed · 30/04/2018 20:59

I see the Katie Hopkins Supporters Club is out in force.

Best of luck OP. He is a miserly cunt and your life will be miserable with him.

Their was a post a while ago whereby the OP finally snapped after years of being controlled because her 'D'P questioned her over a poxy Starbucks coffee. Apparently she should have brought a flask!!You're not the first and sadly won't be the last.

Motoko · 30/04/2018 21:18

OP, please phone the midwife tomorrow when he's out, and tell her you're being financially abused. Don't wait until the weekend.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 30/04/2018 21:31

That the ‘fun’ of AIBU. OP - report your own thread and ask it to be moved to Relationships. Some of the pearl clutching posters with their judgy pants hitched up to their eye brows might follow, but by and large it is more supportive.

Original poster

Contwixt · 30/04/2018 21:36

Actually box, FYI, the state have not provided for my child - I have. I have just finished university and provided for my child by the means of student loans (ones that I pay back!). I am of course unable to work presently, due to the fact that I am 9 months pregnant. Yes the state will provide for my twins for a maximum year, as standard maternity leave. However, I will not be on welfare for the foreseeable future - mainly because I’ve worked my ass off for my (rather expensive) degree and do not want it to go to waste! Prior to this, I have been in continuous work and therefore paid tax from 17. If that makes me less of a mother then so be it...

OP posts:

Smellyjo · 30/04/2018 21:45

OP, I'm sure you know but you don't need to explain yourself to the right-wingers that have emerged here.

Original poster

Contwixt · 30/04/2018 21:53

Sorry. I’m wrong for biting back - just hormones and emotions running high currently.

Thanks for others.. I appreciate the kindness, compassion and care. X

OP posts:

aglassofroseplease · 30/04/2018 22:26

for you @Contwixt

aglassofroseplease · 30/04/2018 22:27

BuntyII · 30/04/2018 22:32

@fontofnoknowledge and @BoxsetsAndPopcorn you really are a horrible pair. Fuck sake.

CommanderDaisy · 30/04/2018 22:40

I feel for you.
The thing that sprang out from your post for me, was that you have bi-polar adn he doesn't want you to be on the medication that is most effective for you.
That is crap.
Is he actually insisting breastfeeding TWINS is more appropriate than your mental health? He sounds like he may be setting you up for a fail here. And when things wobble, then he has his argument for why 50/50 custidy is the best option. In your situation, I would BF for a few weeks then get back on your meds, and formula away. And then if the tightwad asshat complains - you can use his wee plan against him.
Your ongoing mental health is more important than the cost of formula or his wishes, and formula means he'll be able to get up in the night too. That'll be the other reason he doesn't want the formula .

CommanderDaisy · 30/04/2018 22:40

lord - typos - sorry

VerbenaBorensis · 30/04/2018 23:15

Hi OP-yeah he sounds controlling.If u move in with him there will be no way back. You have yr independence and yes it will be hard on yr own but better than being miserable and downtrodden cos thats how it will prob go. Look up rights of Dads with and without their name on the certificate and consider what you want their surname to be-u might be surprised at what u find out. You sound like an intelligent woman but it's easy to sometimes not see what someone is doing when yr tired and in prob need of support (emotionally I mean)Even if u aren't sure which way to jump u can always delay until u r. The fact that u r askin on here surely says yr gut is telling u it's not right? It doesn't sound good to me putting it mildly. Really hope it works out for you. Stay strong

FeckTheMagicDragon · 01/05/2018 01:09

Congratulations on your degree! I got mine after having kids, and it helped pave my way to a decent life. You can get through this.

LiteraryDevil · 01/05/2018 07:06

I think there was an assumption (wrongly) that because you said you were disabled and had to go to court for benefits for that that you were unable to work because you were disabled. That's what I understood from your OP anyway. Regardless, you need to leave him.

HomebrewDave · 01/05/2018 07:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

gingergenius · 01/05/2018 07:25

@HomebrewDave aren't you a little gem?

FostersHomeForImaginaryFriends · 01/05/2018 07:27

It's financial abuse and illegal, homebrew.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2018 07:40

Yes home, he has to treat his partner in a loving and caring way. He is expecting her to look after 3 children, cook and clean up after him, whilst he does not lay a finger, she is left with £1.60 in her bank account, whilst he has several thousands. He denies her basics, and is left in a very vulnerable position. She is totally reliant on him, he is not exactly giving. He grumbles over necessities, so if op wants a haircut, or a new pair of shoes, Noway! She has not got the ability to earn with two young babies at the moment. Can't you see how the whole thing is wrong. His behaviour is nasty and abusive and not the act of a living and caring partner.

Smellyjo · 01/05/2018 07:48

@HomebrewDave, yes, what more could she possibly want?

Hmm, let's see...

A sense of dignity that she can buy a pack of bibs or a chicken herself without complaint or criticism?

An equal partnership where her contribution is recognised, growing a human and raising them, feeding them from your body (IF she chooses to herself), is all as hard work if not more than what he does.

Not to be expected to scrub floors and carry heavy binliners when 9 months pregnant

A partner who respects her?

To bring her children into the world without fear or worry about having to face that alone because their father is a controlling bawbag?

Thank you for your contribution though, you sound like a catch.

DesignedForLife · 01/05/2018 07:52

That's blatant financial abuse.

I'm a SAHM after being made redundant in pregnancy, DH's wage is nothing amazing, and I can afford a coffee now and again and haircuts when I need.

He spouts 50/50, but no childcare provider will take newborns and I seriously doubt he will take paternity leave/ time out of his career. Even when they are old enough I doubt such a tight wad is going to want to pay £120+ a day for childcare

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2018 07:59

Homebrew surely you would want to look after your partner, and make sure that they are treated with respect and dignity, that they can buy themselves necesitities if they need, and can have a haircut if they want. Just because op is not bringing in a wage, she is enabling him to work, or he would need to find childcare. Her work is just as important as his, as she would be bringing up the baby and keeping a home. Op would be very wise not to move in with this man, he is showing you his true colour now, take notice! He is also very nasty as well, threatening 50/50 contact so that he does not have to pay CM, and railroading her to bf to cut down the price of Formula, despite her mental health issues and disability. She is heavily pregnant and disabled, and does not lift a finger, happily watching her struggle. It does not sound that there is any love there at all from him, he treats her as a means to meet his needs.

DesignedForLife · 01/05/2018 08:07

@homebrew - I don't think anyone would call someone pregnant with twins/caring for newborn twins who wants a simple haircut a sponger.

LakieLady · 01/05/2018 08:13

Homebrew, Contwixt and Font - you're really not helping.

Kicking someone when they're down and already realise that they have made bad choices is callous, at best. When that person made those choices because they've been gaslighted by an emotionally and financially abusive piece of scum makes you almost as bad as the perpetrator.

Please OP, end this relationship now. Get your mum to stay, or go to hers, change the locks, tell him it's over. If you can't speak to your midwife, speak to anyone else on her team and tell them that this is a safeguarding issue. Your housing officer (if you can get hold of them) might be able to help. Failing all of the above, speak to Women's Aid.

In some ways, this has got to me more than the threads where the abuse is physical. It's so much more contrived than someone lashing out.

Good luck, OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 01/05/2018 08:15

Hope your not like that HBDave!

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