Is this controlling or normal?

[Contwixt]

Hi,

I will try not to drip feed. I am not sure if this is relevant to AIBU section - posting mostly for traffic.

I have been in a long term relationship with my partner for 4 years. We have been having separate houses and finances. I was intending to move into his house in August (some 200 miles away). As soon as I move in, I will not be entitled to any form help, I will have no financial means for myself unless I get a job.

I am disabled and I have a child from a previous relationship. I am due to have my twins with my current partner in a matter of days...

He has briefly moved in to mine (he is able to work all over the country so has a job here) due to the impending birth. Therefore, I have done things by the book and informed relevant people and my money has stopped.

The issue is that I’m not sure if he is extremely controlling money wise or if it’s normal? Though he is self employed - he is on a six figure salary, after tax, pension NI etc etc. he comes home with just over £6000 a month. bills are roughly £1500 a month all in.

His plan of action is to cover all bills, food shop, essentials such as nappies, milk and uniforms etc. But will not be giving me money personally. He has said that I don’t need it because everything will be covered.

Since coming up, he is in sole control of the food shop already (we can only have items if they are in the sale/reduced. If I wanted something that wasn’t discounted, then I would be told to put it back. For example, I wanted some chicken and as it was £3 odd, I had to put it back). He regularly checks my eBay account to see if I have bought anything. He does not want a joint bank card - fair enough, his choice. I suppose it is his money after all. I have been told that I am not allowed to buy anymore baby items because he said I have too much (I actually don’t, think he will be surprised when they arrive!).

Plus lots more - I’ll be here all day.

As it stands, I’ve got £1.60 in my account and have for weeks. In his account, he has £3000 and due another £3500 in the next few days. Plus he has an over draft of £1000.

I am not sure if this is normal. I have been on my own and have my own finances. I of course will try look for a job but doubt anywhere will take me on being 9 months pregnant now.. and being disabled also makes things harder. I am just finding it really degrading not having any money in my own account. I would love to have a coffee at Starbucks tomorrow but can’t go. I would love to book in for my hair to be done just before birth but I can’t afford it. I feel depressed. If this is the norm then I suppose I will be better off being a single parent. I honestly don’t know if this is how couples living together work as I’ve been on my own really for years and had my own finances.

Hope you're OK contwitx

Why don't you have a PIP ? That is not means tested and makes no odds who you live with.

Did you not realise that you would be completely financially dependent on this man and that without marriage you would have no protection ? Being engaged is no protection for anything. If you want marriage then don't have babies first.
His behaviour is abhorrent. Yours is questionable. Did you honestly think that he would just pick up the tab for everything ? I'm assuming you get no maintenance for existing children and are expecting him to pick the tab up for them too. ?

Has pregnancy changed his behaviour, surely someone like this exhibited some form of this right wad tendency before you got pregnant ? How long did you know him before deciding to have children with him. ?

50/50 care is unlikely but not impossible within the first year. Depends if you are going to bf ?

I am days away from giving birth, I am exhausted. I do not need to be speculated and judged on my situation that I did not ask. I have already been ripped by another two people... which consequently, has made me feel much worse then I feel now. I regret that I posted this in the first place.

However, for the third judge & jury Font:-

• I am in receipt of PIP. Alas, I had to go to court for this. It’s not easy to get disability benefits anymore just because you have a condition. You 90% of the time have to jump through hoops. But I am not ‘paid’ this until next week.

• I am so sorry that I had babies before marriage. I just forgot this is 2018 and not the 1950’s.

• I have one child, as numerously mentioned so no other existing childREN like you have mentioned. I am not discussing her father as it is irrelevant and nothing to do with the situation.

• again, if you read the thread properly you will see that I have stated that we had our own finances and places. It’s since I lost my finances this has occurred. I am sadly not a psychic so unaware this would happen - and if that makes my behavioural questionable then so be it.

That is all I have to say to you thanks, take care.

On the other note,

he was begging last night.. crying even. He has told me that he hasn’t been paid from one job and stated it was their error but didn’t want to tell me as he didn’t want to worry me due to the circumstances. He told me repeatedly how much he loves me too. He has came out with lots of promises.. a cleaner for a deep clean once a week (after I spent hours cleaning, scrubbing, taking bins out etc. last night which drained the life out of me) plus a £400 per month allowance. Do I believe it? No. I don’t.

The midwife (she is a MH midwife so community) came around today. He was there, very loving, stroking my arm/hand etc. The midwife asked how I was and I judt came out with struggling, I have no support or help. And she just said “ah, just a few days away now. Not long to go! Next time I see you, you’ll be with babies!”. So I felt a bit deflated.

He was talking about BF’ing and I said I’m not so sure and I don’t feel ready with two babies. He said well I’ve spoke to lactating support worker at maternity ward and she’s aware that you are being induced on such a date and happy to see you. Then the midwife and him was discussing BF’ing and I just snapped and said I don’t want to talk feeding anymore. However, I have decided that go back on a ‘safe’ medication rather then my usual (lithium) which isn’t safe.

He did a (online) foodshop today, he was much better and asked me what I wanted but was cautious. We couldn’t have some items as previously they was £1 but had gone up to £1.50 each so he said expensive. He missed out a fair bit and said they are cheaper in farm foods so will get them from there. I doubt he will.
But at this present time I am exhausted and drained. I have no energy. I think I’m just going to have the babies and then ask him to leave after, when my mum is here as I’m on my own.

Context I can hear your weariness and worry coming though FB loud and clear. Are you able to phone the midwife for a private chat? Can you tell her that you believe your partner is being financially abusive at your most vulnerable time? That you need a private appointment with her?

And yes, wait till your mum is there - you need all the support you can get.

And to be honest with financially abusive men marriage is often no protection. Once they maneuver you into being totally (give up your own home, benefits, etc) dependent on them you are even more trapped - and no means of paying for a solicitor to get out!

*Contwixt" does your Mum know about all of this? If she doesn't please talk to her. You need support. Failing that, try your GP or Midwife. You don't have to shoulder this alone

Contwixt, I don't know if this will work but it's worth a try. There was a thing a while ago for abused women, you put a black dot on your hand, with eyeliner or pen, and the midwife is supposed to recognise it and try to get you alone to talk. If your partner notices it you can just claim it's a dirty mark. Good luck .

My mum is aware. She says the children need a father but also says his daft it is with his shopping. She says her husband (my step-father) only earns £1000 a month and he would never tell her what she can and can’t spend, and that she still shops and marks & sparks! She said yesterday that this is an occurring argument between you two, and that you need to sort it out. You need to decide what to do. I think it helps that we still have separate houses (his is mortgaged in his name, mine is HA and in my name) so it’s not as tricky. My mum is due to arrive any minute now and he has made a sandwich and left the plate on the side with crusts and empty crisp packet. Doing the cleaning yesterday pulled my back out completely and my pelvis still hurts. I just snapped and told him when the babies come, I want you to leave. He snapped back saying he had just finished.. but was too busy on his phone.
I’m sticking to it. I can’t live like this...

Thanks for giving us an update OP. No wonder you are so exhausted- you would be at the best of times without all of this to deal with. Well said in combatting the judgey posters.

I can understand the desire to just leave it all be just now because you are on your own with him and don't have the energy. You have to make these kind of calls that feel the best option in your current situation. Is your mum not coming until the babies are born? I agree telling her is a good idea if she doesn't know already.

Also can understand the frustration that you communicated something to the midwife that was not really taken up. But to be fair all she would be seeing is a knackered pregnant woman who she would expect to be feeling done in, and an apparently doting husband. If you do want her support you will need to be more direct - I know that takes energy though.

Hope you can just get some rest in the next few days. It sounds like you have your eyes open as to what he really is, and will do what you have to when the time feels right.

Cross post. Although your mum knows about this 'recurring argument', maybe you need to be more direct with her about how humiliated and controlled you feel. Sorry you're having to go through this.

I can and have supported my child on my own. And when my finances come back, I will continue to provide. I have stated numerous times (again I don’t think you have read before jumping the gun) that I been with him for four years, this wasn’t a wreck less fling or a one night stand. It appears that you are just nit picking arguments for the sake of it. I appreciate different opinions and people are going to judge me, but judge me on what I have said - you don’t need to start speculating on other things that is irrelevant such as maintenance for my child from a previous relationship.

I have no desire or energy to debate with you so I would kindly like to ask you to stop communicating with me. Take care.

The midwife has said she will see me at the hospital on her day off - the Saturday. I am due to be induced Thursday, He is working Saturday, Sunday and Monday so will speak to her then more directly when I am on my own.

You haven't supported a child on your own though, the state has.

Yes it's not the 1950s but getting pregnant by a man you never even lived with was never going to be the best idea especially as you say you are unable to work (but can parent three children).

He does likely think he's being taken for a ride. It's all about the money and how he's not providing enough yet it's apparently ok for you to not contribute

This sounds like a terrible situation for you.

Your partner sounds very controlling. It must feel frightening knowing you are about to be entirely financially dependent on him. This sounds like an abusive situation. This is worth a read.

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/support-for-women/financial-abuse/

Refuge have a helpline which you might want to call for advice or support. Wishing you best of luck with the birth and the future.

Well it's a good job the OP can shove the babies back up her foof and this whole mess can go away, eh Boxsets?

How does berating somebody for something that has passed solve anything?

I just saw your updated message. It sounds as though you definitely need support. Abusive people ramp up the abuse when they think someone is about to leave.

Can't believe some of the responses on here. The whole point of the welfare state is to support people that need it. Same with the education system. And the NHS.

Well said Contwixt .

Those posters who are being very judgemental and critical of OP, please realise she needs support and advice and not a dressing down which is very unhelpful.

I don't really know what the likes of Boxsets want people to say to their abuse. 'OMG, you're so right. What a fuck up I am. Please teach me how to be a better citizen like yourself!'

Oh Boxsets give it a rest, if you can't say anything at all, than zip it! Contwixt, ignore all his begging,crying, it is an act, nothing will change, it is all talk. Arrange a private meeting with the Midwife! He is unpleasent, controlling and abusive, he does not get to dictate how you feed. If yiu don't want to breastfeed, don't! There is no love tgere, it does nit sound like he loves or cares for you, are there to service his needs.

Please ignore the judging on here .
I hope you can see the midwife on your own. Keep posting and let us know how your doing. Do not let him beg or pretend to change. He won’t.your other child needs you to be strong.

This isn't good. Please don't move to be with this man. Stay where you are. Thankfully your house is in your name (I think?). Have you got plenty of support for when the babies arrive? Personally I would tell him it's over, tell him to move out. If he refuses then get the locks changed when he's out at work. I also recommend speaking to your midwife alone. He is very controlling and financially abusive. Of course he'd have to pay maintenance and he would be very unlikely to get 50:50. I think you are very vulnerable in this situation and vulnerable even without him and need a good support system around you. An early visit from the HV is a good idea too but definitely speak to the midwife. Mine gave her mobile number so if you have yours then call her when he's at work. Maybe give women's aid a call too. But you should definitely leave him. Things won't get better with him.

Font, back off. She's been with this man 4 years. It's in the OP.

Omg boxsets- what a shitty thing to say.