Is this controlling or normal?

[Contwixt]

Hi,

I will try not to drip feed. I am not sure if this is relevant to AIBU section - posting mostly for traffic.

I have been in a long term relationship with my partner for 4 years. We have been having separate houses and finances. I was intending to move into his house in August (some 200 miles away). As soon as I move in, I will not be entitled to any form help, I will have no financial means for myself unless I get a job.

I am disabled and I have a child from a previous relationship. I am due to have my twins with my current partner in a matter of days...

He has briefly moved in to mine (he is able to work all over the country so has a job here) due to the impending birth. Therefore, I have done things by the book and informed relevant people and my money has stopped.

The issue is that I’m not sure if he is extremely controlling money wise or if it’s normal? Though he is self employed - he is on a six figure salary, after tax, pension NI etc etc. he comes home with just over £6000 a month. bills are roughly £1500 a month all in.

His plan of action is to cover all bills, food shop, essentials such as nappies, milk and uniforms etc. But will not be giving me money personally. He has said that I don’t need it because everything will be covered.

Since coming up, he is in sole control of the food shop already (we can only have items if they are in the sale/reduced. If I wanted something that wasn’t discounted, then I would be told to put it back. For example, I wanted some chicken and as it was £3 odd, I had to put it back). He regularly checks my eBay account to see if I have bought anything. He does not want a joint bank card - fair enough, his choice. I suppose it is his money after all. I have been told that I am not allowed to buy anymore baby items because he said I have too much (I actually don’t, think he will be surprised when they arrive!).

Plus lots more - I’ll be here all day.

As it stands, I’ve got £1.60 in my account and have for weeks. In his account, he has £3000 and due another £3500 in the next few days. Plus he has an over draft of £1000.

I am not sure if this is normal. I have been on my own and have my own finances. I of course will try look for a job but doubt anywhere will take me on being 9 months pregnant now.. and being disabled also makes things harder. I am just finding it really degrading not having any money in my own account. I would love to have a coffee at Starbucks tomorrow but can’t go. I would love to book in for my hair to be done just before birth but I can’t afford it. I feel depressed. If this is the norm then I suppose I will be better off being a single parent. I honestly don’t know if this is how couples living together work as I’ve been on my own really for years and had my own finances.

with twins its going to be double the cost.

'He wants me to EBF. So much so that he is very vocal regarding myself not going back on medication (not safe to bf and have meds). Didn’t really understood why, he says it’s because of the benefits but really, I think it’s probably the cost of double formula.'

That is exaclty why. He gives not a fuck about you, your mental health, your DD, you're just someone he's used to have children. He's financially abusive and that extends to his entire family.

'You need to leave. I'm going back on benefits.' I'd not want him there at the birth.

OP I read that you can’t tell your midwife as he’s always at your appointments.
Could you text her? I have my community midwife’s Mobile number, do you?
Could you send a text explaining the situation, ask her not to reply and you delete the sent text (in case he’s reading/monitoring).
She would then know and probably be able to fabricate a reason to get you on your own to talk.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. He sounds awful x

he is bluffing. no bloke on a good salary who cannot even be bothered to put his plates into the dishwasher would want to have 50/50 custody of new born twins. don't fall for this threat. plus I doubt the court would award him that any if he decided to go for it (he won't, trust me).

pack him a bag, apply for maintenance once the babies are here. go back on benefits and apply for Pip. do you have any other support nearby with the babies? Speak to your midwife/HV. hope you are ok.

I’m beginning to doubt he does earn all this money. I would be braced for more revelations myself / he sounds really dodgy as well as everything else.
such a shame when innocent children are involved and your young daughter needs you to be strong too / think of her as well.

Run for the hills. Most people in a happy relationship wouldn’t even consider what they’d do if they split, certainly not to the level of him saying he’ll fight you for custody. Besides you need to live with someone truly know them and I say this from the point of view of having been in a long distance relationship. Romantic movie style love isn’t the same as real life. Your partner sounds like a bawbag to be honest

Do you know what he does for a living?

He does not get to dictate whether or not you breastfeed your twins. What a bloody nerve. For me, he could get to fuck for that alone.

He is an abusive tightwad who doesn't want to pay for formula. Another means of trying to control you.

I am self employed too. He is MEAN.

Do not wait until tomorrow.
He has to leave now.
You cannot put up with this shit, and neither should your DD or NEW TWINS. ARGH!

He's lying to you. He's not bringing 3k back out of 8.1k a month.

OP. I've been thinking about you all afternoon. I know the thought of being alone with 3 kids is daunting but you will all be so much happier and stronger without him. Don't let him use your BPD as an excuse! That's classic abuser right there! I can't remember if you said before but do you have any family or friends you can confide in? If you were my daughter/niece/friend/colleague I'd be heartbroken for you and would do everything in my power to help you get him out of your life. He's not nice. A nice person wouldn't deprive you of money, tell you you can't buy things for your babies and use a mental health condition as a reason for doing so. I may come over as a cynical old trout but I've been where you are now. It won't get better until you get rid of him.

He is lying - eiher about how much he earns or how much tax he is paying. Either way another sign he cant be trusted. These types of men do not change...

OP I'm very sorry to hear about the situation you are in, it must be very stressful being heavily pregnant with twins and knowing that things are not right with their father.

I think it's very striking that you've had hundreds of responses and I've not noticed one who is not concerned about what you are saying. Everyone has agreed that this is controlling behaviour and it sounds like you know it but his threats and pleading has left you feeling that you have no options.

I'm wondering how you are feeling reading all this? Do you agree that this is domestic abuse? Many women in your situation find it hard to see the behaviour as abuse of its not physical, but the law has recently changed to make coercion and control a domestic abuse offence, as it is part of a bigger picture.

I would second advice to contact women's aid, as they will be able to give you advice on your rights. You may be entitled to legal aid, or women's aid may be able to give you access to a solicitor working for them. Many people are saying to you to leave/ get him to leave - I imagine this may feel far more complex than people are suggesting. Women's aid workers would help you tak through what you want to do and plan how to do it.

Also agree about contacting your midwife on the sly and asking her to see you alone - she can organise this without making it obvious. She can help you access other services if you find this difficult.

You deserve more than this and have lots of options - it is him making you feel that all the balls are in his court. You've done great to prepare for your twins in these conditions. You don't have to manage this alone 💐

He is utterly controlling and financially abusive. He is also lying to you.

You can look on salarycalculator which will give you accurate net figures.
If he is self employed then he will be paid gross and have to account for his own tax.Typically you pay tax in 2 tranches.
Self employed are typically entitled to larger tax allowances as you can claim expenses, unlike paye.
It means that his income will be better than paye but maybe not as secure..it seems however he has a contract so will be reasonably secure.

The school dresses, bips and chicken highlight he is super tight...he can afford a tenner!

We are all rooting for you.

You may need to do broken record "this set up does not work for me".
Out of interest what is his relationship history?

You would be better off financially, single. You could buy what food you wished, have a Starbucks and budget as you please. You cannot budget £1.60 or even save to have your hair done.

I'd advise not to stay with this man. It would be difficult at the beginning, but you'd feel free.

He is very controlling. And has you so you cannot leave.

Fucking hell just read he expects you to ebf your twins. Of course it's possible, and I know many do but you don't want to put yourself under pressure if you can't or don't want to or if it doesn't work for some reason. That REALLY worries me, on your behalf.

Nobody has the right to dictate how you feed your babies.

Please make him leave. If he won’t listen to you, then call for some support. I know it’ll be incredibly hard by yourself, especially with twins, but if you don’t get him out now then you certainly won’t be able to after they’re born. You, and your babies deserve so much better than this

These men always say they will go for 50:50 access. I would say very, very few of them end up with that either because it's not appropriate for your children or because these men lose interest. It's a way of keeping you in your place only to threaten it.

Op whilst I am sure you have many good qualities in real life, what is screaming at me from your posts is that this man has targeted you as a partner because of your vulnerabilities. It suited your dp down to the ground that you were vulnerable and possibly even a little unstable at one stage. I don't want to be disparaging about you but I have a disability and there is certain type of man who is very keen to date me because they instinctively perceive (wrongly) I will be easy to control or manipulate in some way. They are quite easy to spot once you are wise to them.

You say your mental health has stabilised. I would take this chance to assert yourself and end this relationship. He is definitely financially abusing you. Even if he was concerned about your spending, he could still be transferring a certain amount to ensure you're covered as well as buy you treats such as the bibs you saw. My heart slightly broke for you that you weren't even allowed those.

Make him leave and get some bank statements first. Do some digging. You’ll be entitled to 20% of his income for his children sake.

Get another opinion about the meds. I found a medic who was supportive of me staying on my MH meds while pregnant and nursing. There might be small effects on the baby of some meds in breastmilk but having a mother with active MH issues is much much worse for the kid.

My husband earns far, far less than this and I also work. He is the main earner however and my low-wage money vanishes quickly. In our relationship, if I needed money for food, cosmetics, clothes for the children or clubs then he'd offer it without hesitation. I'm afraid it sounds like your husband is using money to assert control.

He is an arse.

Dh is a sahd to our 3 children inc twins. He has full access to all our accounts.

I ebf twins but this was because my dh is not an unsupportive fuckwit. He did everything, and I mean everything from about week 15 of my pregnancy (including putting y shoes on from week 20! Due to spd). Cooking, bins, cleaning etc. For the first 4 months after birth I was glued to a sofa reading and feeding. I’d recommend a twin feeding cushion but it’s 90 so I doubt you’d be allowed one.

I’d get it all on record now. Tell your midwife you are hungry and we’re not allowed chicken from the shop. When she asks if you are struggling financially tell her dh is on 6 figures but he says 3 is too much to spend on chicken for you. Say he is buying a new car so it’s too much to spare. Say you thought it would be good for you and the babies if you are chicken and fresh veg because you don’t feel great. Get it ALL over your medical notes. Along with not being allowed to buy formula and clothes for them. Let him explain that to a judge if he says he is best to care for them.

I really feel for you op. My twin pregnancy was tough, spd is awful. I hope your mum and friends rally round. Take care of yourself- you deserve to be treated better.

@raindropsandsunshine I can’t imagine even having to tell my DH I needed money and for him to offer it, surely it’s better if everyone just has access to the family money and can take what they need?

I remember a while ago MILs friend telling us a story about how fantastic her husband is and she said “if my husband used my car and it was out of petrolhe would put £10 worth in and then I’d just give him the £10 whenever” MIL and I both said later how sad that was because in that situation both of our husbands would fill our cars up with petrol if the tank was empty and probably wouldn’t even bother to mention they’d done it, never mind expecting to be paid back.

Sorry for typos, I’m feeding my twins and typing on a phone!