Inheritance angst - shocked & angry

[hoopyloopy2]

MIL died like last year and we are just getting to grips now with the details of her estate. FIL died 13 years ago.

To cut a long story short, it’s emerged that she gave a very large amount of money (hundreds of thousands of pounds) to BIL a few years’ ago after he divorced and to enable him to start his own business. DH and I have never received money from his parents - in fact we didn’t even know she had that kind of money.

It’s become clear that DH’s other brother has also received financial support over the years but nowhere near the same level. DH is certainly not more financial comfortable than the other two now or in the past - so there’s no logic as to why he/we were overlooked. Their mum did play favourites over the years, but there was no rift or issue (that we know of) that would explain why she should have skewed things in such an extreme way.

DH has confronted BIL after working all this out by going through years of bank accounts. BIL says it was a loan that he was intending to pay back at some point, but he hasn’t. Issue now is whether this is taken into account when dividing up the estate, DH & I think it should be as amounts to 2/3rds of her savings. MIL did not suggest it should be in her will. But it is SUCH a significant amount of money. BIL is embarrassed & defensive at being found out, and is implying DH is being nosey by going through their mum’s bank accounts in detail - ridiculously.

To put things in context, DH and I are in a financially unstable situation now. He isn’t working after being made redundant several months ago, for the 3rd time in a few years, all very stressful & difficult. I work but we cannot survive on my salary alone. DH has become disillusioned with his line of work and would dearly love the kind of financial support that BIL was given to make choices -ie start his own business or make a career change. We would never have dreamt of asking his mum to bail us out while she was alive though. But it seems BIL had no such qualms - this has shocked us both.

So are we BU to ask for this large payment to BIL to be recognised in how the estate is now divvied up? Ie that he gets a lot less as a result. I know their mum was entitled to spend her money as she liked, so there is no legal case here. I am worried that asking will cause major upsets & divisions but at the same time, it feels profoundly unfair & will fester with DH (and me) if we just let this go.

TalkinPeece OP's DH and brothers are the executors.

When my Uncle died he left his money to my DM and two DB. The money she gave to her that went to pay for her house was taken from the amount she would have received, this wasn't written in any will, the will was written along time before he gave her the money. Seems perfectly reasonable that it should be taken into consideration now. My DM is in Scotland so not sure if the law is different. She didn't complain at all...

To all those saying it's not worth falling out with siblings over, surely the damage is already done if the brothers who have received ££ don't even things up with their brother who has received nothing over the years? I can't imagine that there would be much of a relationship to preserve.

what price would you put on a relationship with a brother or sister? Your DH would regret it for ever more if he tried to force this.

It's kind of funny that his brothers don't see as bothered about future regrets, though.

Each to their own. My parents bought my sister a house when she was struggling and her kids were young.
I have no idea if they have made provision for that in their wills, it's none of my business, it's their money not mine.
I want my parents to enjoy their money, can't spend it when you're dead. But they want to leave us money, again their choice. None of us need or or particularly want it.

The damage to the sibling relationship has already been done, however this plays out. You might want to consider mediation, OP, as that can be very helpful in situations like this, but you need good legal advice first.

All the saintly people on this thread tutting over the idea of suggesting to the other two brothers that their inheritance advances should be taken into account, maintaining that children have no right to expect their parents to split the estate in a fair way - no right to expect anything at all - really? These are life-changing amounts. I'd be ashamed as a parent not to look after my children fairly. There are plenty of perfectly valid circumstances where that wouldn't mean equal shares to each child, but this doesn't sound like one of them.

As for the pearlclutching about the executors looking through the bank statements, get a grip. If you left it to the solicitor or another executor, you really have no clue about what is involved in winding up an estate.

Imagine if one of the other brothers or their partner had done an AIBU. I wonder what response they'd have got.

'When I got divorced, DM asked if I needed help and gave me £200k, which I used to buy a new flat and start a business. At the time she talked about it as a loan, but there was no paperwork. I never made any repayments. Now she has died it turns out my DBs didn't know about this and it's not mentioned in the will. Unfortunately DB1 has found about it from the bank statements. AIBU to say my £200k was a gift and her remaining estate should be split three ways like it says in the will? DB1 has recently been made redundant and is a bit strapped for cash, but I've really been banking on getting my inheritance. If the £200k is lopped off I'll get a lot less than I'd hoped.'

It'll cost you more in legal fees. Sorry your husband has been treated unfairly but you will have to draw a line under it.

I was in very similar circumstance which I cannot elaborate on and found it a nowin situation. Was voluntarily and spontaneously given a sum of money at a low point. Has never ever asked though sibs had and had received huge financial gain over the years. Sibs turned round and alleged ey must’ve been a loan ( because no simultaneous gifts t them) and threatened to sue me. Lied and said testator had told them it was a loan — no paperwork at all because y don’t usually ask for this from a parent for a gift. Faced with the unpredictability of court judgment I just gave in and went nc. Very painful experience.
Try to get BIL to admit it was a lon in presence of a third party. Still hearsay evidence but hard for him to deny.
Goodluck

OP, I think YANBU to feel this way, but of course legally it may be a different story.

I was given a large sum of money from my father.
It was never stipulated in the will or even acknowledged. But when he passed away, I took that large sum of money as part of my inheritance. Because it wouldn't have been fair on my sisters.
But he never once put it in the will. Tbh it hadn't been updated for 18 years.

Yanbu OP. I would be mortified if I was your BIL and would have insisted it came out of the inheritance 'pot'

Her money
her choice

^ this.

She gave the money to his brother, end of. It is not BIL fault, he has done absolutely nothing wrong.

For your own sanity, follow the will and move on (we have been in a similar situation and there is no point to arguing / baring bad will against anyone in this situation)

Stick to the principle that the brother who had the large loan still owes it to the estate, whatever the law of the land states the law of fairness should come into play here.
Keep calm in all discussions from here and proceed on the assumption that the loan WILL be taken into account as it has not been repaid to the estate.

I have a friend who's husband has just lost his father ( not biological but his mother married this man when he was a baby and is the only father he knows) They went onto having another child but both were brought up as a normal family of 4. His mother died when he was about 20. The father died 20 years later. In the will be left the whole estate to his biological child only. Hundreds of thousands.

What @TalkinPeece says makes sense

Why is it gutting?

Er, because one brother gets - what? - hundreds of thousands of pounds loans from his parents that he doesn't have to pay back- while her DH continues to struggle.

This thread isn't really about what is in the MIL's will. It is about the BIL and how he will handle the situation now that the loan has been discovered. The fact that he sought to keep it secret speaks volumes. If I were op and her DH I absolutely would write him off if he didn't make a gesture to even things out. To say "he has done nothing wrong" is technically true but what happens from this point onwards is what really matters.

OP, how much are you talking about £200k, £500k?
You say if this gets added back the BIL will get a lot loss, which implies that you are going to get at minimum £150k yourself anyway... Does that not sort out your money worries?

Er, because one brother gets - what? - hundreds of thousands of pounds loans from his parents that he doesn't have to pay back- while her DH continues to struggle

He doesn't "get" . He "got" past tense. When the mother was alive and From money that was hers to give as she and when she pleased.

She elected to help put one child and not another. For reasons of her own. We may all think it was shit of her, or we may think maybe there were reasons behind her decisions that she elected not to talk about, but ultimately it was her decision.

The ops husband has no right, no right at all to dictate how his mother spent her money when she was alive or how she chose to write her will. That was her choice. He has no right on her death to attempt to change the terms of her will and demand money from his sibling, when this was indisputably not her wish.

Some of your replies are odd. I suppose its true we all have a right to be unfair, unethical etc. just not illegal? You have a right to be disillusioned and hurt and to feel mistrustful of the brother. Ask him for your share and see what he comes up with. It's not worth fighting over, but it is worth doing the best you can with what you get to move forward with your lives. You'll see all true colours soon enough to make a decision on whether a relationship can be salvaged with your relatives or not.

If your DH gets no satisfaction from your BiL and has to accept the money will never be divided...be sure to inform the tax man. If it was a loan it's not taxable, if it was a gift then it's income.

I believe in evening the score, always. Otherwise it rankles for years. You know the saying, don't get mad, get even 😅

Plenty of posters being deliberately obtuse on this thread, as always.

Your current financial situation has no bearing on how the estate will be divided, Will or no Will. I can see how it rankles / makes you made / whatever. I think it is possible to ask for a Will to be "varied", but I believe all beneficiaries have to agree to that. Seek legal advice before you say or do anything else.

Gnome - perhaps I misunderstand what you were trying to say, but even if OP's DH and his brothers are the executors, they (or their legal advisors) still need to apply for Probate and to follow HMRC rules as explained by TalkinPeece.

And if the MIL's estate is subject to Inheritance Tax, there are rules they also have to follow about making part-payment of that fairly quickly. The OP says her MIL died last year:
www.gov.uk/valuing-estate-of-someone-who-died

I believe in evening the score, always

What score? The ops husband had no legal right when his mother was alive to dictate that she gave money to all her children equally. And he has no legal right to do it after her death either and then try to make his sibling pay for his mother's actions when she was alive and throw him the money,

They need to respect this woman's actions and wishes. Even if they don't like what she did. They need to respect it was not their money so they don't get a say.

@juells... Don't think that's correct. A gift is not taxable income. Could get added back for IHT purposes... But that would just make OP worse off.