About DH's leisurely weekend morning routine?

[getoutofthebath]

Every morning, unless he has to be up particularly early for work, DH has a bath lasting an hour or more. When we had our DC this habit didn't change.

The problem is that now we have a DC this just isn't working for anyone except DH. For example, this morning we planned to take DC swimming. But then DH goes up at about 9.30 for his bath. He's still up there at 11am. Meanwhile I'm stuck downstairs with DC every weekend morning wondering when the hell we're actually going to get out of the house. I'm also the one that has to get DC dressed and field constant requests for snacks/park/bubbles etc. What always happens is that DH emerges eventually at around 11.30 ready to go, while DC and I are bored shitless from waiting around for him and ready to eat lunch. DH doesn't understand that DC needs lunch by midday, so once we've waited for him to have his bath half the day is pretty much gone. DC is also much more active and engaged in morning activities than afternoon ones, so would get a lot more out of a morning swim than an afternoon one.

How the fuck is this current situation sustainable? I can, and do, often just take DC out by myself but I'm heavily pregnant atm so it's not quite as easy as it used to be. And how is this going to work when DC2 arrives? Am I going to spend my Sat/Sun mornings stuck downstairs with two DCs for up to two hours waiting for him while he wallows in the tub?! I'm a SAHM so these weekends are like a busmans holiday for me.

I've tried to discuss this with him, calmly, rationally, so many times. But he's never made any attempt to stop and engage with us all in the mornings. AIBU to lose my shit with him? If DC asks me for a snack one more time today I might explode.

It's a genuine question. Why would you have more kids when he's useless?

Because I'm an idiot peachy. There, is that the answer you want?

People have more kids in crap relationships for exactly the same reasons as they have them in healthy relationships, mainly wanting a child or wanting a sibling, having a pre set idea of how many DC you want, also accidental pregnancy of course - TBH although I've done both, (now happy) I still can't really imagine having "DH is supportive" as a decision factor. Stability yes and if we started having issues then I wouldn't want to start/continue TTC, but these things do not usually feel unstable when you're in them. It can feel like a temporary blip relating to stress over Dc1/finances/whatever, it can feel normal, you might not know that relationships can be different, it might seem like something which can be worked out, you might feel like well, this is my family now so may as well continue the plan, or feel like it's the last chance (splitting up then meeting somebody new then getting to the stage of being ready for DC would and probably should take years).

Whatshall DC has ASD, they're not badly behaved at all

Wow! Your 'D'H is one seriously selfish fucker .

Also an unsupportive relationship is usually not crap 24 hours of the day 7 days a week! It's not that easy to see the difference when you're in it.

Was there any discussion on the subject?

OP don't engage with people like Whatshall they have nothing to contribute.

Whatshall, do share with us your magic method for just teaching a 3 year old child with ASD to behave. Because it seems to have eluded experts the world over, so the world really needs to know.

@smeddum . It never fails to amaze me when people come out with the comment that you if they ltb , they will have eow to themselves . Dads who don’t engage in family life are not going to suddenly step up when they separate. You cannot force someone to be a decent Dad and you cannot force the eow arrangement! Yes I speak from bitter experience!

I've tried to discuss this with him, calmly, rationally, so many times

To those suggesting its a communication issue..op has tried to be rational but her H isn't seeking the same outcome of mutuality.

This is confusing to outsiders who don't have this experience.We all start by assuming communication issue but over time realise it because he doesn't want a solution that makes her happy.

Fiddle with the heating so that there's no hot water in the morning

Oh what a shock, woman is with arsehole man and ends up pregnant.

Again.

You didn't think to maybe try to resolve these issues BEFORE making your own life harder with another child?

No, not helpful to you OP, but maybe, just maybe, another woman reading this will THINK before staying with their twat "partner" and making their own situation worse.

Mumsnet is inundated with post after post of woman complaining about their partners and almost always are they pregnant or have multiple small children. Does nobody think?

Sure, some will have got pregnant despite using protection etc, but that's not the case for many.

Maybe I just don't think the circumstances under which I got pregnant are any of your business, Vice?

OK, your complaint is that your husband takes nothing to do with family life, won't change his lifestyle to fit a family timetable, won't help you, and then talks down to you when you bring it up.... But you're pregnant again. So, people are going to wonder what on earth you were thinking.

It's done now though. You're going to have 2 kids and a husband who is only good for financial support. Your workload is going to double. You are going to have major sleep deprivation. You're just going to get more and more angry at your husband and your poor children will see the fighting and the misery.

Get out and do it yourself - you will still get financial support from him, or get off to counselling to try and find a way for him to see this from your side but he doesn't want to change, so you're not going to get what you want.

OP You are not an idiot and you’re dam right it is absolutely nobody’s business why or how you are having a second child.

I imagine posters like this genuinely get off on the fact that they’re making someone who is already struggling feel even worse. Idealists instead of realists, for sure.

Your husband isn’t behaving well but you know what, Regardless of what happens you will have two beautiful children who will always have each other even after you and DH are gone.

There is a comfort to be found in that that will never be found anywhere else.

I didn't realise I'd have to furnish Mumsnet with every aspect of my life and personality to date that have led up to me wanting, and conceiving, another child. People are complex, if I gave you a full account it'd be a) boring b) breaching my privacy on here.

This child I'm carrying is still very much wanted. And will be well cared for.

Ava, how is your post helpful or telling me anything that I don't know already? Of course I'm going to be sleep deprived, newborns are absolute sleep thieves.

Jeez poor you Op, he should be running around making sure you're being looked after at this point in your pregnancy. If it were me I'd want him to either shape up or ship out. Don't let yourself be treated so disrespectfully :(

OP I think its because you have posted in AIBU instead of relationships, people come on AIBU looking for someone to tear down - please try to ignore it; many women come on here pregnant for first and second time and as I said earlier, its usually the second pregnancy where the worst of the behaviour comes out, it was in my case too.

I think the over-riding message though, even from those not being supportive, is that this is not ok and things will not get better. I just hope you can find your way through this and decide whether or not you want to stay together. Only time will tell now, I can imagine you want to have your baby as peacefully as possible and then recover. When you have HG on top of everything else it must seem over-whelming.

OP, ignore all the nasty people on here at the moment. Sounds to me that you have done nothing wrong, and definitely deserve more engagement with your family by your husband.

My post was outlining your two main options - which have also been achied by others.

He does not see a problem with life as it is. He does not want to change. He is not going to work with you.

You could try counselling - maybe a third party speaking to you both will help shift the dynamic.

Or you could leave.

There isn’t really anything else to be said, so what are you looking for?

AIBU is a bun fight, I know that. I knew I'd get it both barrels too. Tbh it's nothing compared to other things that I've had to deal with in my life to date, so it's not really bothering me so much as it might. Ten years ago I'd probably have answered every mean spirited question and opened myself up to further ridicule. I might have an arse of a DH, but I'm no pushover. You couldn't parent an ASD child and be pregnant with HG and keep a household running unless you had some steel in your veins.

Well seeing as I originally posted yesterday Ava, maybe I'm not looking for anything more?

Then why keep coming back to the thread?

If you don’t want to be told the obvious, or have had enough of being told, then stop rising to it.

I’m sorry the realities of your life make you so angry, but you chose them.

If I were in your shoes, I’d be planning a way forward and not sitting on mumsnet to shout at everyone who told me to make a plan and sort myself out.