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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH's leisurely weekend morning routine?

255 replies

getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 11:08

Every morning, unless he has to be up particularly early for work, DH has a bath lasting an hour or more. When we had our DC this habit didn't change.

The problem is that now we have a DC this just isn't working for anyone except DH. For example, this morning we planned to take DC swimming. But then DH goes up at about 9.30 for his bath. He's still up there at 11am. Meanwhile I'm stuck downstairs with DC every weekend morning wondering when the hell we're actually going to get out of the house. I'm also the one that has to get DC dressed and field constant requests for snacks/park/bubbles etc. What always happens is that DH emerges eventually at around 11.30 ready to go, while DC and I are bored shitless from waiting around for him and ready to eat lunch. DH doesn't understand that DC needs lunch by midday, so once we've waited for him to have his bath half the day is pretty much gone. DC is also much more active and engaged in morning activities than afternoon ones, so would get a lot more out of a morning swim than an afternoon one.

How the fuck is this current situation sustainable? I can, and do, often just take DC out by myself but I'm heavily pregnant atm so it's not quite as easy as it used to be. And how is this going to work when DC2 arrives? Am I going to spend my Sat/Sun mornings stuck downstairs with two DCs for up to two hours waiting for him while he wallows in the tub?! I'm a SAHM so these weekends are like a busmans holiday for me.

I've tried to discuss this with him, calmly, rationally, so many times. But he's never made any attempt to stop and engage with us all in the mornings. AIBU to lose my shit with him? If DC asks me for a snack one more time today I might explode.

OP posts:
TellyCushion · 29/04/2018 21:53

That's ridiculous. He needs to cop the fuck on.

Cuckooclocks · 29/04/2018 21:55

That is very selfish. Next Saturday run yourself a bath right after him and stay in it for just as long.

missadasmith · 29/04/2018 21:58

tbh, I wouldn't be a Sahm with a resentful DH. I'd rather be as independent as possible financially (I work half the week with a child with severe autism + learning difficulties and a 2nd child and no family support). OPs child is managing full days in nursery - so childcare is obviously possible. I'd look into returning to work once DC 2 is old enough. No way I would make myself dependent from such a cunt.

missadasmith · 29/04/2018 22:02

and take long baths on Sat/Sun for yourself .

or send DC up to the bathroom and leave the house. Force him to look after DC by not being there.

Original poster
getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 22:08

I supported DH for three years when he was establishing himself in his career. He gave up a f/t job that he hates when we were in our mid twenties and took on very sporadic short term contract work and unpaid work to get himself known in the field he'd always dreamed of working in. Meanwhile I was working f/t in a very challenging professional job and bringing in the majority of our income. Come to think of it, without me he might still be in that miserable f/t job. I've never really thought if it like that. Or said that to him.

I guess what I'm saying is, I haven't been idle all my life. I'm not even idle now but it seems some people (waves at Boxsets) seem to think I'm that way. And I will return to work when it's the right time for DCs. I'm certainly not planning to return in the next twelve months.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 29/04/2018 22:18

Come to think of it, without me he might still be in that miserable f/t job. I've never really thought if it like that. Or said that to him.

Try saying it to him. I'll bet my bottom dollar it won't make the blindest bit of difference but won't it be interesting to hear how he justifies it?

cestlavielife · 29/04/2018 22:39

It just isn't going to work when you have 2.
He needs to start now taking care of d's on Saturday morn ing.
Getting up and out.
Does he take care of d's at all?
He can take bath in the evening.
What's his reasoning?

Otherwise you are going to need to employ help on a Saturday morning.

Who is taking care of ds when you hav e the baby ?

saison4 · 29/04/2018 22:43

Otherwise you are going to need to employ help on a Saturday morning. plenty of mums or dads deal with a baby and a 2nd child without help.

Who is taking care of ds when you hav e the baby ?

since when does having a baby prevent a parent from looking after other DC? Shock

nobody needs help with the aforementioned. but the Op has a DH and should be able to share these responsibilities - at least Sat/Sun.

cestlavielife · 29/04/2018 22:48

If op goes into hospital to habe give birth to the baby or has emergency caesarean then who looks after d's? Is d's with a carer or family? Does op have other help with d's?
Or does she go to give birth with someone else?

If the d's is severely autistic and dh won't help then yes... extra help might be needed. Feeding a newborn and dealing with a severely autistic 3 yr old is v tricky...i did this.

cestlavielife · 29/04/2018 22:50

Exactly ....she has a dh who should help.
But says she expects that dh will not help because he will continue to be in a bath til 11.30 am !

cestlavielife · 29/04/2018 22:51

Depends on the ds additional needs and how severe they are.

missadasmith · 29/04/2018 22:57

If the d's is severely autistic and dh won't help then yes.

you would wonder how many lone parents (usually mums) to a child/children with complex SN + siblings have to cope alone...day in day out....

KateGrey · 29/04/2018 23:11

I hate when men and some out dated women think being a sham is a jolly. I’m a sahm. Two of my kids have Sen and one is seriously disabled. Being a sahm is draining, often boring and hard work. I’d much prefer to be at work but I had to give up my job as my dc couldn’t cope in nursery. It sounds like your dh doesn’t respect you at all and whilst I understand the need for leisure and downtime he could do it around the family. He has a dc now. Adapting is part and parcel of family life. And the comment about you being ill is rage inducing. Stupid fucker.

I hope you feel better soon but I’d start pushing him now as he’ll be a nightmare when the baby is born.

cestlavielife · 29/04/2018 23:22

Yes i know i ve been there...i had three with ds severe LD ASD...was a lone. of course lone parents do " cope" e.g. with hours of CBeebies and I did. But it was a nightmare at times. It isn't easy. Something has to give. At some point you need help and support. Either the sn /complex kid or the NT ones miss out. Just practically. Or you break down. If op is feeding newborn 3 days post caesarean she cannot take ds out...or deal with autistic meltdown single handed. Everyone needs help. If the dh won't help then op may need support from someone else. Depending on d's needs .

Jamiefraserskilt · 30/04/2018 01:44

I have not had the bathroom to myself for eighteen years plus. Even now there is something one or the other simply must discuss, even through the door. Things change when you have kids, you need to compromise.
Bath in the evening before bedtime husband dearest, wasting the weekend waiting for you to get your prom dress and tiara on is not much fun for dc or me.
HG is caused by pregnancy...you know..That messy thing WE did x months ago.
Whilst I am barfing up I am not relaxing in bubbles. You need to learn the difference.
Taking time out for yourself is fine. You work hard all week. Then again, do you know what? So do I so for a change,
You take dc to swimming, I will have a nice relaxing bath and some time to myself for once.

HumanBeans · 30/04/2018 02:01

Boxset

Take a hike

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 30/04/2018 02:16

have an event that you have to go to on saturday morning, leave him babysitting and pop out for a coffee for an hour.

Otherwise, i'd just make other plans - that he will have to miss out on, and he can join you when he is up.

Make your own life. He sounds awful.

eddiegetlost · 30/04/2018 05:37

This was us when we had 1 and then 2 DCs - both seething with resentment and me hanging round with the kids waiting for him to get it together before lunch time on weekend days!

When number 3 arrived we had some blow up rows and then I told him that I understood his need for time for him too but it needed to stop impacting the whole family. He finally got it - now he goes for a long run on Saturday lunch time while the youngest naps and plays sport and has a beer with friends on a Sunday evening while I do tea/bath/bed. He's really happy to get up and going with us all on a Saturday morning now because his time is coming, and occasionally even offers me a lie in on 'his' morning (I am using mine to train for a marathon) - basically we finally both grasped 'give and take' but it was pretty much a crisis because of all the resentment. I hope you work it out OP

Smeddum · 30/04/2018 05:45

On the plus side OP, if you get rid of him you’ll be doing what you’ve always done but he’ll have the kids EOW so you might get an actual break at some point!

He’s a selfish dick. You’ve called him out and he’s choosing not to listen or even respect what you’re saying. That’s not a relationship, how can he just check out of parenting?
And I am beyond bored of “SAHM have it easy” it’s pish. Especially with SN involved.

Laineymc7 · 30/04/2018 05:56

I would call him out it’s your weekend too. Make sure you have a morning each at the weekend while the other gets up at 7 for the kids. We do this and the person who gets up gets the kids dressed and bag packed. The other has a few extra hours in bed. I used to do it all but when dc2 came along I was exhausted so reclaimed some
Time for myself which I’ve stuck to. I think it is reasonable to reset what you are doing. If your dh doesn’t agree to some changes then he’s not being fair on you.

YouTheCat · 30/04/2018 07:32

For those saying to OP 'Just go out' it's not always possible when you factor in additional needs.

Op, do you think your dh might be on the spectrum? This insistence that he keeps to his bath routine is terribly rigid.

I think you might have to really spell it out to him and tell him that when the baby comes he'll have to take over with dc1 a lot. He might get it. He might not.

justanotheruser18 · 30/04/2018 07:34

God I hate it too when people suggest that SAHMs are on a jolly every day of their life. No.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 30/04/2018 07:41

Take the kids out yourself, and teach them to behave. They don't need constant snacks and they won't die if they don't get lunch at 12

coffeemachine · 30/04/2018 07:44

Op, do you think your dh might be on the spectrum? This insistence that he keeps to his bath routine is terribly rigid.

oh FFS, being an arse and taking 1.5 baths on weekend morning is not a sign of ASD.

Smeddum · 30/04/2018 07:50

oh FFS, being an arse and taking 1.5 baths on weekend morning is not a sign of ASD

Well said. There’s always someone who suggests being a selfish dickhead “could be ASD”. If there was an eye roll emoji I’d I use it.

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