About DH's leisurely weekend morning routine?

[getoutofthebath]

Every morning, unless he has to be up particularly early for work, DH has a bath lasting an hour or more. When we had our DC this habit didn't change.

The problem is that now we have a DC this just isn't working for anyone except DH. For example, this morning we planned to take DC swimming. But then DH goes up at about 9.30 for his bath. He's still up there at 11am. Meanwhile I'm stuck downstairs with DC every weekend morning wondering when the hell we're actually going to get out of the house. I'm also the one that has to get DC dressed and field constant requests for snacks/park/bubbles etc. What always happens is that DH emerges eventually at around 11.30 ready to go, while DC and I are bored shitless from waiting around for him and ready to eat lunch. DH doesn't understand that DC needs lunch by midday, so once we've waited for him to have his bath half the day is pretty much gone. DC is also much more active and engaged in morning activities than afternoon ones, so would get a lot more out of a morning swim than an afternoon one.

How the fuck is this current situation sustainable? I can, and do, often just take DC out by myself but I'm heavily pregnant atm so it's not quite as easy as it used to be. And how is this going to work when DC2 arrives? Am I going to spend my Sat/Sun mornings stuck downstairs with two DCs for up to two hours waiting for him while he wallows in the tub?! I'm a SAHM so these weekends are like a busmans holiday for me.

I've tried to discuss this with him, calmly, rationally, so many times. But he's never made any attempt to stop and engage with us all in the mornings. AIBU to lose my shit with him? If DC asks me for a snack one more time today I might explode.

Tell your husband that you need some Maternity nurse cover for the first few weeks if he is not going to be supportive as the additional sleep deprivation on top of everything else puts you at high risk of PND. Give him a deadline to decide whether he wants to shoulder some extra cost or get up with the kids on a weekend and let you catch up some sleep? I sense he might understand numbers more than emotions? Whichever he chooses will improve those first few weeks for you...

I don't feel angry Ava. I've had some good advice and support on here. Why do you keep coming back to the thread? Seeing as it's not about your life or your issues that's a slightly more pertinent question, I think.

This is how that would go in our house and marriage;
Me: "you're not seriously going for another 2 hour bath this morning are you? It means me and child sit downstairs waiting for you and I have to do the breakfast/dressing/mumming just like every other morning. When do I get a break? Is there any chance you can have your luxury soak after child has gone to bed?"
Husband: "Ok. That's fair. But I do enjoy my leisurely soaks. Maybe I will do it just one morning a weekend instead."

Resolved.

I would kindly ask him to stop having a bath during the day. He can spend hours and hours in it when the kids are in bed.

If that didn't work, I'd disconnect the hot water.

If that didn't work, I'd LTB. Life is too short to be surrounded by selfish behaviour.

TheViceOfReason I agree with some of this.

My heart just sinks when you read these threads and it get's to 'oh and I'm pregnant'.

How can some women have not known their DH/DP was a selfish prick before they got pregnant. It must have shown in other ways during their relationship.

I'm not really into playing people at their own game. I'd rather just call him out directly.

But that hasn't worked, OP. I would have suggested leaving the kids to him on one his days off but that may not work for you so close to your due date.

What do you as a future without him? Do you have family support to be able to take up your career again after maternity leave?

I had one of these.
Unfortunately - he was also an adulterer, and left me for ow at 11 days postpartum
What I would say - I did stay off on maternity leave for a year. I did look after a 3.5 year old and a new born by myself and survived.

It was easier than the resentment of having someone else in the house who i couldn't rely on, did nothing, spent hours getting ready to go out for the day - (most days we eventually got into the car at 2pm) it drove me insane.

I survived as a single parent
I thrived as a single parent
My children have turned out wonderfully well adjusted and are now delightful young adults.

So what I am saying is.
You have choices here:
You don't have to stay
You don't have to accept his behaviour.
And leaving is sometimes far preferable than being frustrated and unable to resolve the issue.

I've read page 1 and page 10. I'd turn off the hot water right now and make sure it's never on again!

Take the lock off the bathroom door and interrupt him constantly. Turn off the heating and hot water too if necessary. He's hoping you'll go out without him then he'll have the day to himself.
He doesn't sound like a particularly nice person to be honest but you know him better, does he have redeeming features op?

Op I hate reading posts like yours just because you deserve so much better. I bet you're a great parent and as sad as splitting is, I'd cut your losses and go it alone. I think it would be a relief, ultimately. Far better to be putting your energy into enjoying your lovely dc than battling with a selfish man. He won't change. They never do. I bet you and your dc's would be a much happier family unit for ditching the deadweight. I hope your upcoming birth goes well.

well, I would try this:

we both work full time, me looking after dc and you at work. So it is fair that we have one weekend morning off each.
Are you having Saturday or Sunday?
Right, you have Sunday, that means getting up when dc gets up and you are in total control until lunchtime. dc eats lunch at 12, so you get lunch and then we do joint stuff in the afternoon.

The answer (I'm guessing) is likely to be No. At which point I would say, well, if you are so unsupportive of me, looking after our children, after I supported you all through your career change, then I guess it is the end of us. I can't live with someone who is so selfish, you have until Friday to pack you stuff and leave.

That ultimatum might kick start a different conversation, or it might not. Either way you will know what you are dealing with

Nick the bath plug;)

Simple solutions work best!

^ I said that, but someone told me off.

My heart just sinks when you read these threads and it get's to 'oh and I'm pregnant'.

+1

Ever wonder if Mumsnet is a psychological experiment on the morality of the human psyche? Take this post for example, if this is a test of the humanity and kindness of a person, get subject to walk into a room where a heavily pregnant woman on the ground crying, the test is the following, they have the option to a) help her, call for help, reassure her and offer her compassion or b) Kick the shit out of her, whilst laughingly telling her it's all her fault and she deserves whatever has left her crying on the ground.

The majority of test subjects go for the humane option because they are compassionate human beings! Unfortunately, there are actual assh*les who come along and choose b), slow clap people, no you haven't won anything, you have been proven to be a human without an ounce of humanity, compassion or empathy, yup you are a grade A bad person! I bet you are feeling pretty good about yourself now! Superior even!

Actually OP, your DH is a special kind of bad person, as he is meant to love you, he walked into the room, kicked you whilst you were down and then waltzed out without giving a single bit of concern for his heavily pregnant wife and the child you are carrying!

You do not deserve to be treated so poorly by your husband, his response has me concerned that he is at least emotionally abusive!

I would sit him down and ask him if he has any empathy or compassion left in his heart for you. His answer will determine what you do next. If he has none, then I would ask him to leave as he is making life harder not easier for you. Do you have a friend or family member who can come to stay with you for a while? I would suggest going to a relatives/ friends home but having a 10-year-old autistic ds, I know this is not the easy option it sounds written on paper!

I have been where you are with a DH who worked away for weeks at a time, the difference is he is a fantastic DH and father. He would take over with ds when he got home and run me a bath! He took over the housework, the cooking and all the physical carrying and caring of our ds when I was heavily pregnant and had severe SPD (which left me in a wheelchair and eventually hospitalised for six weeks). My DH is a devoted and loving DF though, your DH is not and I would want to know why! If he has always been this way then he definitely needs to look at counselling to explore his lack of care for his child. If his disdain for you and ds only started after the diagnosis of your ds then he needs to get help coming to terms with your son's diagnosis. I may be wrong but I am betting he has stuck his head in the sand regarding the whole diagnosis procedure and that he hasn't attended any courses with you or even read any books/ literature on autism?

I am so sorry that he has left you so alone to deal with all of this. His selfish behaviour really needs to stop. You need support and you need it now. If he isn't there to support you then there is no need for him to be there at all. You have enough on your plate!

Is your DH cagey with his phone? Is it possible he might have another woman? Which could explain the fact that he seems to have emotionally checked out of your relationship? I really hope that isn't the case OP!

Sending you strength, you can do this, you are the proud Mama bear of a beautiful little autistic boy! It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job with your little boy! You will cope fine with your ds and a newborn, make sure you have a sling/ baby carrier (connecta/ Tula/ moby wrap) and make up a box of sensory toys/ paper/ pencils/ puzzles and snacks that you can have beside you if you are trapped under a newborn breastfeeding, whatever will keep your ds occupied. My ds was content to sit next to me and play when I was feeding dd. He adored/s his sister and they have a lovely bond with each other. Having that bond helps ds so much! I am sure your ds will adore his new sibling too!

It’s easy for posters to say “why did you have another child with this man?” It’s not applicable now as she’s having a baby. Sometimes it might be as simple as you become conditioned to what is and isn’t right in a relationship. It’s only as you get much further in that you realise it’s not making you happy. My dh goes to the gym first thing every Saturday morning and I’m left with 3 kids. One who is severely disabled and another who has autism. He also goes out once/twice in the week. He’s picking up a bit more now. But it’s hard when they’re not as invested as you are. It shouldn’t have to be playing him at his own game but it might make him open his eyes.

My heart just sinks when you read these threads and it get's to 'oh and I'm pregnant'.
How can some women have not known their DH/DP was a selfish prick before they got pregnant. It must have shown in other ways during their relationship.

Erm, where in the OP's OP has she said "Please lay judgement on me for things that are none of your business, and not what I asked about me in the first place."
You have no idea of her actual circumstances - I'm pretty sure she came on to ask advice about her husband not pulling his weight, not unnecessary and quite cruel remarks about her pregnancy.

Some people really do cement the belief that this place is a nest of vipers.

Why can't people give good advice and be nice, or say nothing at all? What's the point in going to the effort to say something horrible and negative and completely unhelpful?!

That's not all aimed at the person whom I quoted btw, just a general rant and a sending of support to the OP.

@getoutofthebath I hope you get it sorted. It needs a conversation where you are both trying to get a resolution, and if he's checked out, then it's a much more serious conversation than a bath.

His old fashioned approach of one person earns the money, one wife does everything else may have worked for his father. But it is not the norm now. In fact it is considered rather pathetic for someone only to be able to manage work, and nothing else. Please find your strength somewhere to negotiate a better marriage and division of labour.

Not knowing the name of your own child's nursery is a fucking disgrace.

Got to love MN there's always one sanctimonious Muppet that starts the whole why have another child blah blah blah. OP it's no one else's business why you decided to have 1 never mind 2 children so just ignore posters questioning you.

There's also always someone who thinks being a sahm is all about drinking coffee and watching loose women I'm a sahm with 3 under 3. Today I have got 3 children up and dressed, given them breakfast and lunch, fed the baby multiple times, done 3 loads of washing, put 3 loads of washing away, hoovered the whole house, played fire fighters with a 3 yr old, stopped multiple punch ups between the 14mth old and 3yr old, washed up, changed at least 12 nappies, taken the car for its MOT, walked the dog, washed up and made a fish pie all on about 2.5hrs sleep. I needed a wee 3 hours ago I still haven't been and I have had 1 drink all day because everytime I go to get one a small person needs something oh and when I do eventually go for a wee I will probably have a baby in a bouncer, a 14mth old throwing bath toys at me and a 3 year old who will decide he needs the potty with me! Yeah being a SAHM is all about having loads of time to do whatever I want

OP your DH is a selfish prick who needs a reality check, he can have his long bath any night of the week once dc is in bed not when it's impacting on family time

In fact it is considered rather pathetic for someone only to be able to manage work, and nothing else. Please find your strength somewhere to negotiate a better marriage and division of labour.
Not knowing the name of your own child's nursery is a fucking disgrace.

^THIS!! Times have changed. Expectations have changed. He is being very selfish and unreasonable, OP! Your pre-child behaviors and habits had to be altered or changed completely, so why shouldn't his!? Use some of that steel in your veins (that you said you have) and have another talk with him! Do not allow him to dismiss you and minimize your complaint by blaming your "being ill" as the reason you're bringing it up again. Tell him that you have to keep bringing it up because HE keeps doing it! If he must have a 2 hour long bath daily then he needs to get up earlier on the weekend days that there are plans. Don't just leave with your dc, then he gets even longer to be alone and not be involved in family life.

Did he not go with you when choosing the nursery or seeing it for the first time, if there is no real choice where you live? DH and I always make those sort of discussions together.

What happens if you have to go into hospital unexpectedly, how will he know where to get DC or where to direct someone else to get them?

Did he not go with you when choosing the nursery or seeing it for the first time

my DH did not. Just practical reasons. I was on mat leave and had plenty of time whilst he worked long hours. so it was a no brainer that I took care of it and DH trusts me with such things. I think DH not looking at nurseries doesn't mean in itself anything.

I think DH not looking at nurseries doesn't mean in itself anything

I agree, there are bigger problems in this relationship than this

my DH did not. Just practical reasons. I was on mat leave and had plenty of time whilst he worked long hours. so it was a no brainer that I took care of it and DH trusts me with such things. I think DH not looking at nurseries doesn't mean in itself anything.

Yes but presumably if you get hit by a bus, your husband can pick them up because he knows where his children are??

All major relatioships issues aside, I'd try two things.

1. Sabotage the plug. Just take a small chunk out of the seal on the bottom. His water will gradually and repeatedly drain away. "Forget" to buy a new one, and hide the kitchen plug. Act dumb when questioned.

1. Book activities with a time on the weekends in the am or invite friends over during "bath time" and shame the fucker out of it. Leave without him if necessary. I get that it will be physically hard, but do it anyway. If he gets upset you left or he doesn't get to see friends- well...he was in the bath.