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AIBU?

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Original poster

About DH's leisurely weekend morning routine?

255 replies

getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 11:08

Every morning, unless he has to be up particularly early for work, DH has a bath lasting an hour or more. When we had our DC this habit didn't change.

The problem is that now we have a DC this just isn't working for anyone except DH. For example, this morning we planned to take DC swimming. But then DH goes up at about 9.30 for his bath. He's still up there at 11am. Meanwhile I'm stuck downstairs with DC every weekend morning wondering when the hell we're actually going to get out of the house. I'm also the one that has to get DC dressed and field constant requests for snacks/park/bubbles etc. What always happens is that DH emerges eventually at around 11.30 ready to go, while DC and I are bored shitless from waiting around for him and ready to eat lunch. DH doesn't understand that DC needs lunch by midday, so once we've waited for him to have his bath half the day is pretty much gone. DC is also much more active and engaged in morning activities than afternoon ones, so would get a lot more out of a morning swim than an afternoon one.

How the fuck is this current situation sustainable? I can, and do, often just take DC out by myself but I'm heavily pregnant atm so it's not quite as easy as it used to be. And how is this going to work when DC2 arrives? Am I going to spend my Sat/Sun mornings stuck downstairs with two DCs for up to two hours waiting for him while he wallows in the tub?! I'm a SAHM so these weekends are like a busmans holiday for me.

I've tried to discuss this with him, calmly, rationally, so many times. But he's never made any attempt to stop and engage with us all in the mornings. AIBU to lose my shit with him? If DC asks me for a snack one more time today I might explode.

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/04/2018 13:38

If DH hid the plug so I couldn't have an hour in the bath on my day off I'd play tit for tat and refuse to pay for nursery of his share of the house costs he was failing to provide. The OP gets two days to herself that he finds yet he's the selfish one for wanting a long bath on his day off?

Original poster
getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 13:42

I'm having a baby in five weeks. Those 'days off' are limited...

OP posts:
Avasarala · 29/04/2018 13:42

I don't understand why you're choosing to have a second child when you've seen he won't even parent the first.

Get things sorted out before new baby arrives; either leave and get yourself set up somewhere else or have one hell of a talk with him and force the changes. That will probably leave you both miserable, so really I think leave him and see how he likes that. You've said you're better without him there so you'll manage fine.

PoorYorick · 29/04/2018 13:43

He'd have to know what nursery they go to before he could make any alternative arrangements for it. Plus he's a shit to her for having HG while pregnant. If he took any interest in family life at all, OP might not find his baths so stressful.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/04/2018 13:43

Well to be fair as you don't work you have seven days free to do as you please whereas he doesn't.

Original poster
getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 13:44

You're absolutely right Boxsets, with a 3yo autistic DC in tow I am free as a bird

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/04/2018 13:45

The OP gets two days to herself that he finds yet he's the selfish one for wanting a long bath on his day off

Which just happens to be the day that he might (gasp!) get to spend time with his DC? Plus, I don't get that being a SAHM is actually 'time off' (although I've never done it).

fearfultrill · 29/04/2018 13:48

@Boxsets what a stupid comment. Yes OP can do whatever she wants for seven days of the week especially as her husband does fuck all!

A magic fairy does the shopping, cares for DC, plays with DC, does the shopping, housework, cooking.

Seriously I sometimes wonder how people get through life without any brains

Original poster
getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 13:49

In fact, Boxsets, it'll probably get even easier with two, right? They can amuse each other while I slob about watching daytime tv.

OP posts:
Dozer · 29/04/2018 13:50

You’re in a really difficult situation.

He doesn’t know his DC’s nursery?! Wanker.

If he wishes for you to WoH, what does he propose to do to enable that to happen, and for suitable childcare for DC1?

It’d be good to investigate your potential financial situation and benefits and housing options should - as seems likely - you break up. He may pay minimum maintenance and seek limited contact. Depending on your DC with SN’s needs and on DC2 it may be very hard for you to WoH as a single parent.

SleepyRoo · 29/04/2018 13:50

You've got to DO something to make him realise you're really serious about him changing his ways, OP. Without knowing him, it's hard to say what that 'nuclear button' is - but you need to press it, soon.

He's behaving appallingly, and seems to think he can get away with it. Prove him otherwise.

supersop60 · 29/04/2018 13:53

Turn the thermostat down on the hot water. Sorry it's PA, but he is being utterly selfish.

TeisanLap · 29/04/2018 13:54

I just want to be left alone to get on with it by myself. It's just easier that way.

Op, just say that ^ to him. Say it very calmly and make it clear you mean you just want to be able to get on with life by yourself because it would be easier without him.

MatildaTheCat · 29/04/2018 14:00

He’s just so out of order. Turn off the hot water and make some arrangements to go out alone every Saturday morning. Join a yoga class, meet a friend or anything.

What he’s doing is completely selfish and he has to stop. I like a bath but after about 10-15 minutes it’s just weird to stay in there.

Can you take the lock off the bathroom door?

OuaisMaisBon · 29/04/2018 14:00

Having been a SAHP, I can tell you, I would have much preferred to go out to a "proper job" rather than being dependent on my husband for money, and left to cope with absolutely everything to do with our child as husband is a workaholic who travels frequently, often at hours' notice. Staying at home with young children, often on one's own, doing child-orientated stuff, without adult conversation for hours at a time, and having to look after the home and do shopping and cooking, is far more arduous than going out to work for quite a few people - I bet if the OP's OH became the SAHP for some reason, while she went out to work full-time, he'd have a different take on things. The OP's DP is pushing it here.

StaplesCorner · 29/04/2018 14:00

Ah Boxsets is one of those who thinks that Big Man Provide Money so Big Man Entitled to do Fuck All Else and that SAHMs do nothing all day having a whale of a time. Not only thinks it but feels really vindicated when they get to say it on threads like these Hmm

expatinscotland · 29/04/2018 14:01

'The OP gets two days to herself that he finds yet he's the selfish one for wanting a long bath on his day off?'

Wow, heaven forbid he, you know, want to spend time with his kids on his day off. Nah, better to tit for tat, 'I work harder than you, so . . . ' Hmm

Cantusethatname · 29/04/2018 14:04

Drain the hot tank.

Original poster
getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 14:05

Those two days are my days for midwife/consultant appointments (I have tonnes, high risk and HG), form filling for various DC interventions, general house admin, laundry, cleaning, shopping, tidying. And yes, sometimes I sleep because HG is a bitch and the more tired you are the worse it gets. Then I pick up DC at 4 and do tea, bath, bed. Always alone. DC only started at nursery in April and baby is coming in June so these luxurious DAYS OFF are v limited.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 29/04/2018 14:06

It’s not unreasonable for him to take a long bath, it’s unreasonable that he takes it at a time that means she has sold responsibility for their child for hours and refuses to discuss it or change his routine.

bakingdemon · 29/04/2018 14:06

Agree with @NoSquirrels - on Friday night you need to make a plan for Saturday. And if he wants to have a bath he needs to fit it around the rest of the family. If that means he needs to get up at 6am to do it, then that's on him.

My weekend ritual is a Sunday night bath. I spend at least an hour in there reading a book or the magazines from the Sunday paper. DH likes it because he can catch up on the TV shows he likes. I can go without though and happily do so if there are family commitments which come first.

nonnonsensemum · 29/04/2018 14:07

Sounds like your not so DH needs a kick up the ....
Have you tried the calm ‘this is what you do.....’, this is how I feel as a result....’, ‘what I would like you to do..’. The 3rd part needs to be have a compromise in, so he gets his bathtime but at a more convenient time for the family, like in an evening after the kids have gone to bed and he gets a happy wife. If he loves you, he should understand and make an effort. For a DH, a happy wife is a happy life.
If he is not interested, then you might have to be prepared to say, ‘OK, then I have some serious thinking to do. We will have to talk about us, when I have thought about what I want to do. But now, I am going out.’
Finish the conversation there and go out to do something for you for the rest of the day.
You have serious issues to consider and you will want to prepare yourself to give him some serious ultimatums. But do prepare yourself before you say anything more.
Don’t lose your temper and try not to cry. And if he persists, just say, now is not the time to discuss this as you need time to consider the situation, you want a reasonable rational conversation and maybe he wants sometime to consider how his behaviour is effecting you and the family.
Sunshinegirl’s advise is good, if he is not willing to make an effort.
Good luck!

PoorYorick · 29/04/2018 14:11

You jumped the shark, Boxsets. Rookie error.

StaplesCorner · 29/04/2018 14:13

OP don't feel you have to justify what you do with your time.

Regardless of what you do, your DH cant spend all that time in the bath when there are small children to be dealt with - end of.

BewareOfDragons · 29/04/2018 14:15

Boxsets sounds like OP's DH.

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