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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH's leisurely weekend morning routine?

255 replies

getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 11:08

Every morning, unless he has to be up particularly early for work, DH has a bath lasting an hour or more. When we had our DC this habit didn't change.

The problem is that now we have a DC this just isn't working for anyone except DH. For example, this morning we planned to take DC swimming. But then DH goes up at about 9.30 for his bath. He's still up there at 11am. Meanwhile I'm stuck downstairs with DC every weekend morning wondering when the hell we're actually going to get out of the house. I'm also the one that has to get DC dressed and field constant requests for snacks/park/bubbles etc. What always happens is that DH emerges eventually at around 11.30 ready to go, while DC and I are bored shitless from waiting around for him and ready to eat lunch. DH doesn't understand that DC needs lunch by midday, so once we've waited for him to have his bath half the day is pretty much gone. DC is also much more active and engaged in morning activities than afternoon ones, so would get a lot more out of a morning swim than an afternoon one.

How the fuck is this current situation sustainable? I can, and do, often just take DC out by myself but I'm heavily pregnant atm so it's not quite as easy as it used to be. And how is this going to work when DC2 arrives? Am I going to spend my Sat/Sun mornings stuck downstairs with two DCs for up to two hours waiting for him while he wallows in the tub?! I'm a SAHM so these weekends are like a busmans holiday for me.

I've tried to discuss this with him, calmly, rationally, so many times. But he's never made any attempt to stop and engage with us all in the mornings. AIBU to lose my shit with him? If DC asks me for a snack one more time today I might explode.

OP posts:
Gennz18 · 29/04/2018 12:34

Off topic but, This Is 40 is hilarious, pretty sure the script writers just bugged our house 🤔😂

Original poster
getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 12:38

Finished shopping now. Just steeling myself to go home.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 29/04/2018 12:38

sadly it looks like the selfish behavi our of the husband who sees marriage as ' insert money for housekeeping, sex and kids' has killed the ops feelings for him. cant say i blame her.

so sorry.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 29/04/2018 12:41

He sounds really nasty and you need to consider if you’d be better off ending the marriage than being treated so badly. I’d recommend seeing a lawyer rather than a counsellor.

PugwallsSummer · 29/04/2018 12:45

Why are you going home? Why not take two hours to do something alone - go for lunch, or even just a coffee with a magazine. Drive to somewhere scenic and sit in the car with your music on. Just take some time out.

He more than owes you some time to yourself. Don't make the family shop your down time!!!

I think you need to look at your own behaviours as well as his. You are facilitating his selfish ways.

CherryBlossomSeason · 29/04/2018 12:49

What @PugwallsSummer said. Please do that

StaplesCorner · 29/04/2018 12:52

Am I going to spend my Sat/Sun mornings stuck downstairs with two DCs for up to two hours waiting for him while he wallows in the tub?!
Yes, yes you are. I know this because my DH was your DH, even down to the "you're always ill" word for word. Except he used to stay in bed rather than the shower. Sometimes it would be 2pm, 3pm or maybe even later before we could go anywhere.

In the end we adapted our lives to this. And I worked all the time I had the kids apart from 9 months with first DD. One day when DD1 was maybe 3 she asked me "why is Daddy so lazy?" Now she's 17, and she knows why - its because he is a selfish pig.

I blame myself entirely for staying with him - first of all money was an issue, then when it wasn't an issue it was only last year and by then we were in our 50s, DDs are teens and the damage is more than done.

OP, by all means see a counsellor - in fact we saw one when I was 8 months pregnant with DD1 - it didn't help in the slightest but you might have better luck. When that new baby comes then you'll see, because that's when my H ramped it up, he got worse and worse. They say its usually the second child that shows up what the relationship is really like.

Tell him this is the last day that he can do this for a very long time. He needs to share the parenting from this day on. In the meantime, start thinking what you would do and how you would manage on your own - do you have any family support etc in RL? So sad for you, but at least you are young enough and early enough in your family to make break.

RemainOptimistic · 29/04/2018 12:55

He has ground you down over years then. It sounds like you are blaming yourself for not being strong enough, when he is the one to blame for his selfish and hurtful behaviour.

You deserve better than this.

Original poster
getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 12:58

I haven't said much to DH yet except 'I'll put up with it for now, but I'm not going to put up with it much longer' with regards to the way he speaks to me. I just don't really know what else to say to him.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 29/04/2018 12:58

Why would you go home? Go see a movie.

blackteasplease · 29/04/2018 13:00

Rip out the bath and put a shower cubicle in . I.mean get a professional to do it when he's at work.

DeltaG · 29/04/2018 13:01

OP,

Throw a hairdryer in when he's having his soak (make sure it's plugged in at the mains first). That should solve your problem once and for all.

HTH

GabsAlot · 29/04/2018 13:01

why did u say you'll put up with it for now?

youre better off on your own get some maintenance and move away your pracxtically alone anyway

StaplesCorner · 29/04/2018 13:02

getout - he definitely has ground you down as Remain says - to tell him you will "put up with it for now" ... why couldn't you say "I am not putting up with this for another second"? Are you scared of him?

I was and am usually very feisty but I became scared of H's temper. I suppose because I had 2 kids to protect whereas normally if someone spoke to me like that I'd lamp them. Why did you say that today?

Sunshinegirl82 · 29/04/2018 13:05

I would detach as much as possible and expect nothing from him. Can you buy in some help for now? Send older DC to nursery a bit more? Get a cleaner?

I'd use this time to get advice and set yourself up to go it alone when you're ready. Do you have access to family money? Do you have any support from your family?

Original poster
getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 13:07

DC does two full days at nursery a week. I can pretty much manage on my own tbh, it's harder when DH is here really.

OP posts:
ISaidIWasTired · 29/04/2018 13:08

I'm sorry OP this sounds shitty. Don't understand why you will put up with it for now though?! I'd have gone ballistic!

Sunshinegirl82 · 29/04/2018 13:12

That sort of says it all don't you think? What's the point of him?

I reckon you have two choices.

  1. detach as much as you can, sort yourself and the kids to suit yourself and expect nothing from him. That way you keep his income coming in for now until the DC are a bit older.

  2. Make plans to leave now/soon. How difficult would that be from a financial perspective?

I'm sorry you're going through this.

grumpy4squash · 29/04/2018 13:19

Not the point, I know, but who bothers having a bath when they're about to go swimming?

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/04/2018 13:23

It sounds like the relationship has run its course.

He's fed up of being the sole earner and then getting told he can't have even a bath to relax on his day off whilst you don't work and have two child free days.

You resent him having any down time, don't like how he speaks and don't want to be responsible for the house alone.

It sounds like splitting is the best option with a return to work after maternity.

Original poster
getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 13:24

That's pretty much how he sees it Boxsets, yes

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/04/2018 13:30

I'd go back to work FT and split up. He'll have to pay maintenance and he won't be able to soak all morning when it's his turn to have the kids.

PoorYorick · 29/04/2018 13:31

Then maybe splitting is for the best. You'll still have the money and that's all he contributes so you've lost nothing but dead weight. He'll have every other weekend (most likely) to have a bath for two hours and still get to think he's father of the year. Win win.

ScipioAfricanus · 29/04/2018 13:34

I can’t believe he isn’t willing to change his ways after you’ve explained this all. My husband struggled to adjust to things he couldn’t do anymore once we had D.C. but he soon realised they’d become treats and changed his expectations. However he always looked after me and I think sometimes it’s the ones who didn’t seem to look after their partners at all that also don’t step up to look after their children l. I get more lie ins than him because I have a chronic illness even though he is FT and main wage earner and I’m PT. At the weekend we swop in and out so that hopefully we both get a bit of a break, and accept that ‘me-time’ happens at a time when it doesn’t negatively impact D.C. This is normal; your husband’s selfishness isn’t something you should have to live with forever.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 29/04/2018 13:35

I'm not really into playing people at their own game. I'd rather just call him out directly

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