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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About DH's leisurely weekend morning routine?

255 replies

getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 11:08

Every morning, unless he has to be up particularly early for work, DH has a bath lasting an hour or more. When we had our DC this habit didn't change.

The problem is that now we have a DC this just isn't working for anyone except DH. For example, this morning we planned to take DC swimming. But then DH goes up at about 9.30 for his bath. He's still up there at 11am. Meanwhile I'm stuck downstairs with DC every weekend morning wondering when the hell we're actually going to get out of the house. I'm also the one that has to get DC dressed and field constant requests for snacks/park/bubbles etc. What always happens is that DH emerges eventually at around 11.30 ready to go, while DC and I are bored shitless from waiting around for him and ready to eat lunch. DH doesn't understand that DC needs lunch by midday, so once we've waited for him to have his bath half the day is pretty much gone. DC is also much more active and engaged in morning activities than afternoon ones, so would get a lot more out of a morning swim than an afternoon one.

How the fuck is this current situation sustainable? I can, and do, often just take DC out by myself but I'm heavily pregnant atm so it's not quite as easy as it used to be. And how is this going to work when DC2 arrives? Am I going to spend my Sat/Sun mornings stuck downstairs with two DCs for up to two hours waiting for him while he wallows in the tub?! I'm a SAHM so these weekends are like a busmans holiday for me.

I've tried to discuss this with him, calmly, rationally, so many times. But he's never made any attempt to stop and engage with us all in the mornings. AIBU to lose my shit with him? If DC asks me for a snack one more time today I might explode.

OP posts:
Original poster
getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 12:10

Frozen, I am slowly coming to that conclusion myself. I can't see him changing. I think he needs a different wife tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
getoutofthebath · 29/04/2018 12:11

Anyway I'm going to the supermarket now. I'm going to buy myself a lot of rice pudding and trashy magazines.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 29/04/2018 12:12

I would have absolutely lost my sh*t at him with that comment.

HG isn't something you're choosing to do. And I'm sure you'd stop it in a heartbeat if you could. I imagine it leaves you feeling utterly exhausted, yet you're still doing the majority of the childcare at the weekends.

Hour-long baths are something that he is choosing to do. And as a result he's opting out of his share of the childcare for 2 hours every morning and dumping it on you (already exhausted, see above).

How on earth are the two comparable??

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/04/2018 12:12

I would empty the hot water tank. How does the water heat - immersion heater you can switch off?

But I think you're right, he does need a different wife. Actually it sounds more like he needs his mummy to indulge him in his two hour bathing sessions, the wanker.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 29/04/2018 12:13

If he's trying to avoid family life why has he agreed to another child?

Gennz18 · 29/04/2018 12:13

Does he have any redeeming qualities? He sounds like a prick.

Commisserations re HG btw - I'm 32 weeks and still feel like shit as well. DH is not perfect by any stretch but at least he does take our toddler out for a few hours each weekend day -so I can waddle round feeling sorry for myself It must be very tough going for you Flowers

PoorYorick · 29/04/2018 12:13

So he contributes nothing but money and thinks that's all he has to do. If you dump the selfish fuck you'll still have the money.

Monkee4 · 29/04/2018 12:14

You need to remind him that being a SAHM can be incredibly stressful especially if your DC has additional needs. How does he cope with the special needs thing - is he embarrassed/unable to deal with it?
I was going to say also that he may be stressed/depressed too and either through work or the fact that he can't cope with being a DAD, or the fact that his DC has special needs and also him being the one who provides financially for the family. I bet lots of men resent this at some point in their lives but I doubt they would like to swap places either.

PoorYorick · 29/04/2018 12:15

Pah, if they resent it that much they're free to take on a greater load at home so the wife can work. If staying at home with the kids was that much of a doss, more men would do it.

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 29/04/2018 12:17

We need to be out to take DS swimming at 10am so please sort your bath out around that". Maybe even make a point of being gracious every now and then and saying "We don't have anything planned tomorrow morning, why don't you have a nice long morning bath"

Fuck that!!!

Pebblespony · 29/04/2018 12:17

Can one of you take Sat morning off and the other take Sunday? That's what we do here. Everyone gets a lie in and a bit of time to themselves. Game playing will just cause resentment. You are both adults.

Eliza9917 · 29/04/2018 12:17

Today 11:10 RestingBitchFaced

Give him a taste of his own medicine? Get in the bath before him, leaving him with the DC. Don't come out for 2hrs - he might see things differently after that

I'd go one better and fuck off to a spa for the weekend and leave him to it.

And/or drill some holes in the bath.

LannieDuck · 29/04/2018 12:18

He resents me for being a SAHM. But he also wants to work non-stop and enjoy the perks that go with that

Oh, he's one of those. Commiserations, OP.

I couldn't live with someone who treats me like that. I guess you need to decide whether you can?

Next time he resents you for being a SAHM, offer to swap roles. No? Then he needs to respect you for doing a job that he's unable / unwilling to do.

NettleTea · 29/04/2018 12:18

just take the day off. get the shopping but go somewhere nice. let him deal with lunchtime and a long boring sunday afternoon having to entertain.

wizzywig · 29/04/2018 12:21

I hope you are planning a home birth and you go into labour at 9.30 on a Saturday morning. He can share a bath with you then.

TheoryPractical · 29/04/2018 12:23

a bit off topic (sorry you're going through this OP) but referring to previous poster's humourous reference on ThisIs40 - here's iphone argument:-

BertieBotts · 29/04/2018 12:25

It was a really shitty comment for him to make in response.

We tend to have lazy sunday mornings and that works for us as a family but if it wasn't I would expect to be able to discuss it with DH (or for him to discuss it with me) without it ensuing in an argument. It's not on. Yes, it's not nice to lose a wind down routine you enjoy, but it's part of living in a family and having small kids! I'm pregnant with DC2 as well and I expect our lazy weekends will change once DS2 is old enough to need to get out regularly.

It's a temporary thing as well - at some point between now and the DC becoming teenagers things will slow down in the mornings. Or you could have one weekend day that is designated for family activities and one weekend day where you alternate giving each other a rest/lie in/morning off, one week yours, one week his. There are lots of compromises.

SleepFreeZone · 29/04/2018 12:26

We love a good bath at the weekend and the kids jump in with us. The most we can get in there is two adults and one two year old, very often it’s me, the five year old and them two year old. It’s fun! Maybe you need to just get into the bath mentality with him.

TeeBee · 29/04/2018 12:28

Do your bathroom doors have one of those security locks that you can open in an emergency? If not, you really need to get one in case you DCs lock themselves in.
Then weekend mornings are 'splashy with daddy time'. Lots of bath toys, bubbles, and children thrown in while you sort out breakfast with very loud music on. See how fucking appealing those long baths seem then.

SleepFreeZone · 29/04/2018 12:29

Omg that film clip looks amazing lol. I need to see that film!!

Monkee4 · 29/04/2018 12:30

'splashy with daddy time' love it!!!

BrendasUmbrella · 29/04/2018 12:31

Ask him to move his soak to an evening and then it won't be eating up half the day?

expatinscotland · 29/04/2018 12:31

I'd get up at 6 and leave him for the entire day one weekend.

OuaisMaisBon · 29/04/2018 12:33

wizzywig Ace response Grin

Um. Do you like him, OP? Because if you don't, is there any way you could see yourself cutting your losses and separating from him? Or, as others have suggested, just don't expect anything from him at all and carry on by yourself, using the money he provides to make your and your children's lives as easy as possible, if you have access to it? It is essentially frustrating to carry on the way you are, expecting him to behave well and share responsibilities at the week-end, so you are going to have to accept that he's a rubbish family man and put yourself first, from time to time, since he won't, and change your own attitude to his relationship with you. I mean, like now, it must make quite a pleasant change for you to be on your own without DC, pleasing yourself for once, even if it's just doing a bit of shopping on your own!

gillybeanz · 29/04/2018 12:34

This would never have happened in our house, I'd have told him during pregnancy how things would change after dc.
did you not discuss parenting during the 9 months?

I can never understand why women let it get to building resentment before they say anything.
Kids always asking you, stock answer, ask Daddy. They want to go out, tell them you are waiting for Daddy to get them ready.
Let them know it's him stopping them from going out.
Stop being the only parent and tell him you expect changes and for him to step up to being an equal parent, and let things slip for a while, to show him how useless he is.
Oh, and conveniently break the bath plug off, if on a chain and/or hide it.

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