About DH's leisurely weekend morning routine?

[getoutofthebath]

Every morning, unless he has to be up particularly early for work, DH has a bath lasting an hour or more. When we had our DC this habit didn't change.

The problem is that now we have a DC this just isn't working for anyone except DH. For example, this morning we planned to take DC swimming. But then DH goes up at about 9.30 for his bath. He's still up there at 11am. Meanwhile I'm stuck downstairs with DC every weekend morning wondering when the hell we're actually going to get out of the house. I'm also the one that has to get DC dressed and field constant requests for snacks/park/bubbles etc. What always happens is that DH emerges eventually at around 11.30 ready to go, while DC and I are bored shitless from waiting around for him and ready to eat lunch. DH doesn't understand that DC needs lunch by midday, so once we've waited for him to have his bath half the day is pretty much gone. DC is also much more active and engaged in morning activities than afternoon ones, so would get a lot more out of a morning swim than an afternoon one.

How the fuck is this current situation sustainable? I can, and do, often just take DC out by myself but I'm heavily pregnant atm so it's not quite as easy as it used to be. And how is this going to work when DC2 arrives? Am I going to spend my Sat/Sun mornings stuck downstairs with two DCs for up to two hours waiting for him while he wallows in the tub?! I'm a SAHM so these weekends are like a busmans holiday for me.

I've tried to discuss this with him, calmly, rationally, so many times. But he's never made any attempt to stop and engage with us all in the mornings. AIBU to lose my shit with him? If DC asks me for a snack one more time today I might explode.

Selfish twat.

I probably would have drowned Dh in the bath if he did that. What the hell!

Also to the pp who described weekends as a "bus man's holiday", you have finally helped me put into words how I feel about weekends. Dh can never understand why I don't get 'that Friday feeling'.

If he enjoys long baths so much, just tell him that he'll have to have them once your dc are in bed. Having them in the morning isn't suiting anyone other than him. We all have to make changes when kids come along - he needs to accept that and make a change!

Stop him opting out of family life by loudly planning the day before, as someone else said, "We need to be out to take DS swimming at 10am so please sort your bath out around that". Maybe even make a point of being gracious every now and then and saying "We don't have anything planned tomorrow morning, why don't you have a nice long morning bath".

I have a DH who wouldn't get up before midday if he had the chance, despite our 8yo autistic son waking between 6 and 7 each day. Sometimes I'm generous and let DH sleep in to 9am; but I make darn sure he knows days in advance if I need him up early because we're going somewhere

Yeah, print out the thread and give it to him.

He'll probably get angry though twat

OP, it's probably not helping being told that other people wouldn't put up with this. It's hard when you seem to be living with someone who doesn't listen to you. You must be feeling very lonely and unsupported right now.

I think counselling would be a good option for you. It will help you frame this problem in the context of your relationship and to approach this problem constructively and as calmly as possible.

Ideally your husband would join you in some sessions of relationship counselling but if he won't then individual counselling is more important. Do you think you could try saying to him "this has now become a serious relationship issue, can we set a time to talk about it properly together together or with a counsellor?" If he continues not to listen, go alone.

He may not be the completely unfeeling jerk this makes him seem. He is used to his routine and has become unthinkingly selfish in the impact on you. The bigger problem is that you've tried to talk and he isn't listening.

Couples must be able to discuss problems, especially when they have children together. Start with that. And remember communication is two way. You both need to talk and listen.

Sorry OP but he sounds really selfish and controlling. Telling you that you were ill by questioning him about his behaviour - not nice.
Not understanding that little ones need regular meals, get tired midday, etc etc sounds very familiar to me. I had a miserable time in some ways similar to yours and eventually left. Please look after yourself if you can, talk to friends and family, ask for support. Not always easy I know. Don't end up miserable and hating him and leaving him(like I did!) But don't put up with any crap either - you are better than that. Good luck xx

Total pisstaker, unbelievable

Remove the bath plug and keep it well hidden.

Calling him out directly might just mean more action. Words aren't working are they? He is not listening to you.

I am with the idea of removing the plug.
Waking him up when you are wake up and leave him with dc every Saturday morning whilst you go out and have a break

You have married a very selfish man, so you have to find a way to educate him about caring for others. Through counselling or with direct action otherwise you can look forward to 30plus years of more of the same.

does he want a family?

to even say youre ill all the time in unforgiveable how are they two comparable

He is out of his tree. HG has nothing to do with it. What are you doing running off crying instead of plainly forcing the conversation back to the actual issue? I bet he has ground you down over years treading on eggshells for fear of his nasty comments and temper tantrums. He has got you well controlled hasn't he.

We are here to support you, go ahead and stand up to this nasty bullying behaviour.

I had a miserable shower and when I got downstairs he'd taken DC out by himself (for the first time in months), so I've jumped in the car and come to the supermarket to get a few bits and bobs that we need.

Just going to have five mins to sit here and breathe before I make a shopping list.

Have no idea how I'll deal with this when I get home. Tbh I just can't be bothered with banging my head against this brick wall any more. I'm tired of asking him to participate in family life and him getting shirty and insulting me. I just want to be left alone to get on with it by myself. It's just easier that way.

Nice update. Sounds like an absolute keeper you've got there.

I didn't want to run off crying Remain, but when he made such a nasty comment about me being ill all the time I just felt like discussion was utterly hopeless and that he will never understand. And it really broke my heart. Believe me when I say I wish I'd had the steel in me to handle that better.

How unbelievably selfish of him! He needs to make some accommodation for the rest of the family. Maybe a long bath one day at the weekend instead of two?

If my DH did this (he wouldn't dare!), I'd have the washing machine on even earlier to use up all the hot water!

Then do that, he won't help just start living life as if he was a lodger.

Prepare food for you and the children when you are ready to eat, go out without him.

You might have to let things slide ask for help from outside agencies for the next few weeks whilst you are sick/ have a newborn.

After that though fuck him he either joins in when you are ready or misses out.

Chances are he will realise he is being a massive prick and step up if not you are doing it all alone at the moment anyway all you are doing is stopping waiting for him all the time

Sorry to hear that OP. Sending you hugs. How are his parents'? Did his Dad let his Mum do everything? Did she perpetuate that kind of behaviour? You need couples counselling - you can't do this alone. You are not alone as someone else said - we are here to support you in this xx

Sorry to hear that OP. Sending you hugs. How are his parents'? Did his Dad let his Mum do everything? Did she perpetuate that kind of behaviour? You need couples counselling - you can't do this alone. You are not alone as someone else said - we are here to support you in this xx

OP, from your update it seems like you think he's a lost cause. And to be honest if I'd been saying the same thing over and over to my Dh and he still hasn't listened and continues to insult me when I attempt to ask for something that is ENTIRELY FAIR, I would also go it alone. You're basically doing it anyway, and then you wouldn't have to wait for the bastard to get out of the bath.

I can't believe you needed to ask whether you should call him on this.

I start hammering on the door if DH takes more than 10 min for a poo. Our life is like the opening scene from This Is 40.

His Dad worked away and was barely present through most of his childhood. He earned lots of money so DH thinks that if he does the same then that's his fathering bit done. Even though he knows that, actually, that's not enough. He resents me for being a SAHM. But he also wants to work non-stop and enjoy the perks that go with that (drinks and meals out with colleagues etc). If I also worked F/T I'd be working AND doing everything that I do now, and it wouldn't be sustainable. Our DC has additional needs, and there's a lot of admin and appointments that go with that. DH doesn't even know the name of our DC's nursery - that's how little he's involved with that stuff.

Thing is, whether you're "ill" or not is irrelevant. The fact that you're heavily pregnant and suffering HG adds to the unfairness of him buggering off for hours to do his own thing, but even if that wasn't the case he'd still be selfish. He's trying to turn it round on you and make you feel bad, for wanting him to do something he should be doing without question. What a shit.