To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

[ROTFLBSST]

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

YANBU - I only told my DM as labour went on for 5 days and she cane over to play scrabble!

They're his parents. He can tell them if he wants to. Why not? How would you like him telling you who you can and can't talk to?

Who should turn up at the hospital should be a joint decision and you should have the casting vote, but telling them before you go in should be his decision. They're his parents, not Daily Mail journalists.

Why should it be his decision? Why?

Just tell him to text them when things get going properly, that way the parents will only be waiting / praying for a couple of hours. No biggie.

Sounds to me like he’ll be telling them, whatever your feelings.

Make your other plans around this fact. YOU tell the hospital staff that there are to be absolutely no visitors until YOU PERSONALLY lift the ban.

My mum tried to barge in to the birthing suite, and made a difficult day far more difficult. I feel your pain.

I will just add that even though I had the agreement from DH not to contact her, 24hrs into the birth she kinda figured out where I must be!

(I’m sure your birth won’t be that long, all the best with it! You’ll do fine).

I was in the hospital a week prior to DS being born, I knew things weren’t going great and that everything was likely to be rushed on but brushed my mother off with can’t chat drs on their ward round will ring you later as I knew she would worry as it was 7 weeks before baby was due. First she knew was when DH rang her to say DS born was in neonatal but both of us ok. We waited a while to tell them how much of an emergency the cs had been as his heart kept stopping. MIL was told after my parents but somehow managed to get straight to hospital while I was still in recovery as my body had gone into shock and demanded to see DS even tho neonatal staff where working with him. A very nice midwife told her politely to go away as she demanded to get in to see me 🙄 much more polite than either DH or I would have been...

Until my son was born I wasn't remotely concerned about who knew labour had started. However it was before the days of mobile phones and family members kept ringing the ward phone. My other half's aunt rang just after the birth, was told the news and subsequently rang my lovely MIL to break the news. 23 years later I can tell she's still a bit hurt to have not heard it from us and thinks she should have been first to know, and tbh would have been. I don't blame you for wanting to be in control, first births are scary enough it's important you are comfortable and do it your way. Think DH should be more respectful, it's not his vagina doing the the hard yards.

Never even occurred to me or DH to tell parents or anyone else that I was in labour, mind it was in the middle of the night and we got to the hospital at 3am and DS was born at 6am, so that might have something to do with it. Think DH waited a couple of hours after DS was born to phone our parents as well as it was so early in the morning.

Ffs, no one should know unless they’re on call to look after older siblings or you want them to ROTFLL

Honestly, you really don’t know how things will go with a first baby, or how you’ll feel.
When you get the 10cms call or baby is out (depending on what type of birth you have) then DP can notify anyone who is not actually helping by delivering food or looking after pets/children.

All the births in my wider family are open news. It is all about people caring about the new mum to be and the baby. There are a group at the hospital and folks standing by in their homes for news.

Great for you if that’s how you want it, but this is my idea of hell.

YANBU OP. I’m a private person anyway but that feeling intensified when I was having a baby. There is something special about the time after the baby is born when it’s just the three of you and no one has been told yet. It’s all very well people saying just tell them but don’t give updates, but if you’re in labour for more than 24 hours I can’t imagine all those relatives will sit quietly at home and resist the urge to message your DH.

Green Tulips - Do the people here who don't want to tell anyone they are in labour actually think that family and friends have not noticed the increasing girth? People also see things like a lowering pre labour. Do you not think it would cause worry if no-one in the family have heard from Him and Her for a day?
There is no harm in my family having the chosen 3 or 4 at the hospital and the rest of the relatives at home knowing what is going on. We have a history of dicey births and we are all willing the new mum to be on with getting through this and both being safe and well. For those who pray for us we are grateful. We are not church people. For those who wish us well we are also grateful. We will wish you well come your day. As it happens I was one of the worst sufferers in the birth process and people were kept updated by the hospital, not just family. Thankfully I was supported after the birth with lots of relatives doing things to help me. I would not have managed otherwise.
There was one who did not tell she was in labour, this happened twice with her. At a later date she was the one not given other information. She didn't want us, we saw nothing wrong in keeping her out the loop. I was not the one who decided this but accepted the instruction.

I would tell them but also make sure he says that he will call to let them know when visits will be possible.

It’s a compromise where he gets to let family know it’s happeing but you still get your time

I hated the thought of people knowing I was in labour. And it’s ok that I hated it. And it’s ok that you do too. Seeing as you’re the one about to go through it the least he could do is honour your wishes.

I had a similar scenario where my husband presumed we would let our families know when I went into labor - I was horrified when I realised he thought this way whereas he thought it was perfectly normal. He did not choose to pursue this once I made my feelings known though.

For me, the labour is my private medical business. I have exclusive decision over who that is shared with. The actual fact that the baby has been born is a matter for both me and my husband, and so the decision on how to communicate that is a joint one and his views are as valid as mine.

It is fine to make choices but sometimes or even quite often birth plans go well off track.
I was glad that there were family members to hold my child after birth as it was to be 5 days before I could hold the baby. I know that the baby was visited by family. I think I was visited too but I don't know as I was far too ill to even know.

When I am at a hospital I never step out of where I am meant to be. I have never been a birth partner but I have taken mums to be to hospital. I think it would have been churlish if I had been told thanks for coming in the middle of the night (why is it always in the night) and bringing us here but now get out of here and keep silent. I was in the waiting room exactly where I was told to be. Never asked to see anyone or barged in I was just there. I really don't see anything wrong with that

When he’s the one with the plastic ID bracelet round his wrist, he gets to make the decisions about who gets to know and when.

You’re the patient, not him.

I am so glad that when my DS was born, nearly 24 years ago FB,Twitter,istagram etc were not in existance... And I didnt have a mobile.
I was in labour for 20 hours with DS, and my DM was with me as well as my then DH..
The highlight of my 20 hours was my dad bringing me a GetWell Card..
I could not have coped without my mum being with me, she was amazing!
Sometimes we need our parents with us... IMO :D

If I were you I'd be speaking privately to my midwife and asking her to enforce a 'cell phones OFF and away' policy once you get to the hospital if you think your DH is going to be occupied with his.

When I had DS2 I instructed DH NOT to tell his best mate (who was married to my BFF) as they both tended to be a wee bit intrusive at times. He ended up blurting out that he was leaving for the hospital and sure enough, they both showed up within 5 minutes of my being admitted! When the nurse pointedly said she needed to check how dilated I was, all they did was walk to the head of the bed so my 'bits' were shielded by a drape!!! She must have noticed the look on my face because she then directly asked them to step out. When we were alone she asked me if I wanted them there and I said 'not really'. She went out and told them it was 'family only' from then on until delivery.

Her husband even horned in on the first meeting between DS1 and DS2!

Its fair enough you don't want people turning up however if they are saying that want to pray for you, what's wrong with that? Going into a birth you need all the help you can get. Babies being born is a beautiful event and people are excited.
Also your decisions earlier on to keep them at a distance may come back to bite you on the bum when your baby needs to be looked after or you need help. You never know how you're going to feel once you've got that baby home.

There was one who did not tell she was in labour, this happened twice with her. At a later date she was the one not given other information. She didn't want us, we saw nothing wrong in keeping her out the loop. I was not the one who decided this but accepted the instruction.

I really find this chilling - if you don't keep us updated about your own body, we will freeze you out, and everyone has to 'accept the instruction' and act the same way.

YANBU.

When he goes into labour then he can decide who to tell.

What a selfish, childish dick he is for putting extra emotional pressure on you. He should be supporting you 100%.

Napqueen I am another one who's very envious of you for having such a wonderful MIL!

Definitely compromise. He can tell his parents etc so long as he makes sure you get your few hours bonding as a new 3-person family time.

Tbh I don't like the idea of people praying for me since I don't believe in it myself. Which is weird but it makes me feel uncomfortable.

It's your own private medical situation. Yes even women are supposed to have privacy for medical matters.

I find the idea that it's meaningfully "his baby" in this context very amusing - can he give birth to it then? Perhaps you can take turns. Of course it's his baby, but it's your labour and it's not a public event any more than your appendectomy would be.

You're concerned that he might need support but you're glossing over that he told his relatives your private information and is getting "livid" that you won't give up even more of your privacy. Your feelings matter too you know.

YANBU at all

User02 is that relationship cut out of other family news too? How weird. Whats weirder is you just following instructions.
So say a woman married into your family. Would she have any choice in your clan hanging round. Because as she is giving birth she should absolutely have the last word. Would she be punished for this? Can you not see that it is really fucked up.