To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

[ROTFLBSST]

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

Yep.

"It may be OUR baby but its MY labour and I am insisting on privacy"

Dont discuss, simply state the facts and what you expect of him.

Wow user02, I am very glad I am not a part of your family! How dare you all punish a woman for demanding privacy at one of the most stressful and important times of her life?!

Surely you’d tell someone you’re going into hospital for potentially a few days (regardless of why) - you’d need someone to check your house / feed your pets / look after any other children. It would be very odd imo not to tell anyone purely from a practical and security point of view.

And without wanting to worry you, what if something goes wrong? Wouldn’t you want someone who is aware of the situation on standby to help if necessary?

Perhaps it’s just me, but I couldn’t imagine keeping it a secret from my mum. I’d want her on hand if things went badly.

I think YABU to tell him he can’t tell his parents; your DH is likely to be anxious as you are, and may need the support.

YANBU to dictate who is present at the birth and when you are ready to see visitors.

Wanting to know when labour starts = fine

Wanting to keep your own labour to yourself = fine

So nobody has done anything wrong. Your DH just needs to decide which one he wants to support, because it can't be both.

It was not a woman who married into the family so your assumption there is wrong.
I cant go into too much detail. That person chose not to inform people when they went into labour or that the baby was born. OK that is what her decision was and it was done more than once. However when someone else decided to keep information from certain people that previous female relative was very angry that she was not informed. She could not see that it was her actions coming back to her. It was not planned it was just someone making the same decision as her.
I see it as keeping a person's confidentiality rather than me just blindly following instructions. Again there is more to this than what I have said here.
I was happy to have relatives at the hospital when I had a baby as I felt my child was greeted by family while I (the mother) was very ill.
It is all just the way life works out. It backfired on the first female. She cant expect to be the only person with confidentiality.
To me it is weird to keep the arrival of a baby secret. Equally it is silly to think that any of us get clean away with things in this life

I'm not sure because on the one hand I can understand that at your most vulnerable you don't want everyone talking about and getting constant updates on the progress of your birth.

On the other hand as my brother and sis-in-law recently had a baby I would have been a bit sad if we hadn't been told. Also my brother was a great support to his wife but felt quite anxious himself and was glad to be able to phone my Mum a couple of times so perhaps your husband feels the need for his family support so that he can support you fully.

I'd do a deal with him.

Tell your husband that next time he can carry the baby for 9 months, he can go through the morning sickness, he can get the stretchmarks, he can deal with the raging hormones and then when he goes into labour and has to push a human being out of his nether regions, he can tell any fucker he bloody well likes.

I see it as keeping a person's confidentiality

So OP asking her DH to keep her confidentially is wrong?

They aren't keeping the baby secret - she just doesn't want to announce she's in labour

As for 'no contact for 24 hours' wouldn't you assume they are busy/tired/in labour? God forbid an expectant mother should be thinking of the wider family and what they should or shouldn't be told - labour tends to be time consuming and painful.

your DH is likely to be anxious as you are, and may need the support.

Er no, that's not how it works.

One of these people is risking their life and undergoing one of the most challenging physical and emotional experiences that a human can have.

The other is - or should be - there to support them. Not to give them a load of grief and hassle.

Perhaps they could just pray for her every day on the off chance - she's already overdue. I doubt it will do any harm

It all depends on whether or not people will be USEFUL. We told my mum, who stayed at our house to look after the dog and then once DS arrived (early hours of the morning), she came straight to the hospital at 6:30 and looked after DS so DH could nip home to shower and change and I could have a shower and a cup of tea. We told my aunt, who we are very close to, who went to our house and filled the fridge with all the things I had been denied in pregnancy - sushi, and runny cheeses and wine and a huge steak to be eaten very rare. We knew the in laws would flap about so we didn’t tell them until after. (DH’s choice)

Green Tulips - I kept confidentiality for two people and I saw that the first person saw it as their right but when someone else took the same decision not to make news on their issues that was wrong in the eyes of the first person. Does that not seem unfair to MNers. ?
One person can not expect to have a right to confidentiality then scream themselves hoarse if someone else keeps their confidentiality. There is more to this but I cant say here.
What I am trying to get through is that such a decision could have repercussions. The second person made their decision due to knowledge of what horrors could well happen if information got out and that is the crux of the matter.
By confidentiality I do not consider that a very pregnant woman can go around in public very rounded without people knowing that she will be giving birth at some time. However I do not think that all the details of the birth should be common knowledge. Unless the woman wishes to say.
I don't think anyone should say today I do not want any family and then complain on MN that DM MIL DSis didn't do this or that for me while that same MNer kept them at bay when it suited them.

Fenella has just said it in black and white above. She only told useful people. I can see the reasoning. However Using People (ie USEFUL) is not a pleasant trait in my view. People are not here to be used. They are family friends etc

Labour with DS started on Mother's Day, and was stop-start until Thirsday mid morning when I finally anaged to get him out. My home birth went out of the window as my waters went. We were bombarded with texts and calls. By the time we got home and had something to eat, somebody (one of my in laws) had already announced his birth on social media tagging us both in it, so EVERYBODY already new. I was furious.

This time we're turning off our Facebook accounts shortly before my due date, and will only be telling DM that I'm in labour, as she'll be looking after DS. We're not telling anyone else I'm in labour, nor are we telling MIL she's been born until we're ready to put up the Facebook announcement ourselves. DP is on complete agreement which has made the whole thing much easier. MIL also told people I was pregnant despite being asked not to just yet, they then posted THAT on FAcebook also. They did the same when we found out we were haivng a girl, even though wewouldn't have chosen to sharethat news on Facebook at all. He was as angry as I was, and knows how stressed I get. The stress they put me under scaring the shit out of me in hospital last time kept stalling my labour, so we're just not giving annyone the opportunity to do that to us this time.

User02 bit in the first post you presented it like the second person deliberatly left out the first person. From spite. That she was the only one not to be told. You even said it wouldnt gp down well for family not to be told. Seems everyone has to fall in like or they are punished.

So would happen in that situation o asked about. Dil doesnt want all the family at the hospital. She is fine with visits after the birth but till then you all need tp back off. Would she be punished? Left out of family news?

And no its not using people to only want useful people around. Because if you are the type of person to want to bother a woman who has just given birth while sitting om your arse then you do not deserve it.
If you are the opposite of useful then you are not a good person. And who wants to see someone like that when they have just given birth?

I personally felt that I didn’t want anyone knowing I was in labour as I’d feel pressure knowing people knew if that makes sense!
I’ve read too many horrible stories on MN to know that sometimes it’s best to keep it private (Like people appearing in room uninvited, photos going on Facebook before the mother has been stitched up etc). Only you know how your ILs are likely to behave OP and you should act accordingly.

Oswin

The first person decided not to tell people anything. This was her decision even though before and after she expected assistance from people when she wanted it. I don't see that as right. If she wants to go it alone she can but she also wants as and when she wants. Refusal leads to horrible things.
Years later after much stress and difficulty another person had medical type issues, in hospital etc. When the second person was asked do you want ? and ? informed the answer was no. I knew the reasons, so I accepted that as the second person's choice.
About a year later I took the flack for the second person's decision. I see the second person as having made much the same decision as the first person. I don't think it is right for the first person to think she should make that decision but object in the strongest terms to another person making a similar decision. I hope that is clear.
I don't know who the DIL is as there is no such person involved. In this case there were no visits after either until it suited the first person.
The situation I am trying to show as being unfair at best is that any person should only want to see family when it suit them and bar the family the rest of the time.
I do not punish anyone. There are those around me who do but it is not me. It was not punishment, more a case of trying to protect the people who would be distressed with the repercussions.
If I go somewhere and see something needs done I will do it ie vacuuming, dishwashing, washing, basic cookery take another child out anything I can do to help family members I will. I may be useful but that is very close to being used which I am not happy about. I would prefer helpful rather than useful. There again we do not know if that PP's mother is youngish healthy and fit and MIL is older and not in great health which should not preclude MIL from seeing the baby just because she is not very fit. I have praised on this thread the people who visited me and helped me when I was a new mum. I certainly would not sit around doing nothing in a new mum's house but I would ask will I run the vacuum round or what?

Never occurred to us to either of us to tell anyone when I went into labour.

Wouldn't have told anyone with the second either had we not needed someone to look after PFB.

23 years and 3 hours ago this morning, I had just given birth to our daughter. My waters had broken at just after midnight, and she was born a couple of hours after I arrived at the hospital. We were living in one country in Europe, and our mothers each lived in a different one. It never occurred to us to call either of them to tell them I was in labour, we just rang MIL first, a couple of hours after the birth, because the time difference meant that she was up by then, and then my mother later because of not wanting to wake her up, because of the time difference. Reading this thread reminds me that someone who was a good friend of my m-i-l, and lived nearby to us, turned up out of the blue at about 9.00am to see the baby, without asking if we wanted visitors. I am still pissed off about this, though I am sure it was only because my m-i-l, being so far away, wanted to get a first-hand report on her first (turned out to be only) grandchild. Then one of my colleagues visited that same day, also without asking, and I honestly could have done without it. (I was in a private hospital, I don't know if that made a difference to visiting hours.) I must ask the husband if he had anything to do with this, I've never thought to until now, as there was other stuff going on at the time (he was fired by the local boss that very morning but didn't want to tell me until he'd sorted something out with the Big Boss, who'd originally hired him).
As others have said, your husband might not even get the chance to let his parents know when you go into labour, but if he does, he then needs to switch his phone off and concentrate on you and your baby until after the birth! Good luck with it all!

It IS possible to tell people you're in labour, and that husband will be in touch as soon as baby is born, WITHOUT having to do the whole social media thing, or even having your phones switched on.

All the best with the birth and new baby though.

My parents and in laws couldn't have cared less about this.

In the (highly unlikely) event that PIL were needed I would hope that they could be called upon and respond irrespective of whether they had known that I was in labour or not. But that would be a decision to be taken only if there was a need. I feel a bit sad for the people saying that the decision of not to share labour news will come around and "bite you in the ass" etc. Of all the ungenerous things to hold against a woman, not sharing news of her labour is bizarre. I would be dismayed to have the kind of family relationships where people are so transactional or hold a petty grudge over such a monumentous personal occasion and I hope that won't be the case for you OP.

If my DH had told me that I couldn't tell my mum I was in labour I would've told him to fuck right off... Imagine YOU wanted to tell your parents and he said no. How would you feel then?

If he'd told me he didn't want me talking to friends or being on my phone in labour I would have told him to sod off. I was only in active labour 41 minutes. I was arsing around with contractions for 12 hours. Without my phone, a book and the tv I would have been bored witless. Labour is painful during contractions, but in between is just bloody tedious.

My best friend had a hugely traumatic and long emergency c section. Her husband was messaging me, panicking (he even told me he thought one of them must be dead!) whilst she was in surgery, I talked him down. You would deny your husband that support.

I'm also not a fan of 'your body, your choice' in this situation. That's for abortion and medical treatment. Your DH isn't telling you to have a drug free labour - he wants to tell HIS parents that your and HIS baby is on it's way. IMO he should be able to make that decision. It's not just about you...

It IS possible to tell people you're in labour, and that husband will be in touch as soon as baby is born, WITHOUT having to do the whole social media thing, or even having your phones switched on. confused

^ This

and well-said coolaschmoola

I am uauslly a fan if simply announcing that the baby has arrived. Howrver, I feel the wanting to pray for you aspect changes everything. I'm not religious but I would deny someone if they truely believed that praying for me would help the labour. They feel like that is an important part of keeping you and the baby safe and to not give them that opportunity seems wrong.

I would set ground rules. 'How kind of you to want to include us in your prayers. When the time comes, will be informing you but no one else. Please don't share the news with anyone else.'

Remember that your husband may well feel he really needs thier support. Is things don't go to plan he is going to feel scared and useless.