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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

420 replies

ROTFLBSST · 27/04/2018 21:45

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

OP posts:
HerSymphonyAndSong · 30/04/2018 03:08

Mmdck calm down, you are the one who made it sound as though you thought it was acceptable for families to say that they wouldn’t help with a second birth if not informed of the labour of the first child when they wanted to be, not me

I am going to be judgemental of families who are only interested in providing support for a woman in childbirth on their own terms, rather than hers

Teacher22 · 30/04/2018 06:41

Take the initiative here and get yourself in control. Tell the OH that he can inform his family when you are going into labour so they can pray but they must make no moves to see the baby until they are invited by you. Keep off social media until you are ready with the big announcement. Your friends will just have to wait.

You are going to have to have a real think about how to keep on top of your OH’s family’s cheeky notions, especially as he seems to side with them. You will have to nip this control freakery in the bud. Read your Machiavelli and them while pretending to be on their side.

aurynne · 30/04/2018 06:47

"Imagine the absolute worst happened (ie your death and/or baby, God forbid) and both sets of parents didn't even know you'd gone to the hospital. Let your hubby tell his parents!"

This surely must be the most stupid comment on Mumsnet this year. How does knowing the mother was in labour change the reaction to a baby's death in the slightest???

GinUnicorn · 30/04/2018 07:00

Hope you can speak to your dp and get him to realise it's important you feel safe and comfortable. Good luck

Roussette · 30/04/2018 07:19

Totally agree with all Symphony has said and I do find 'and what about their need to pray' one of the worst reasons as to why parents should be told.

So what if the woman giving birth is an atheist? She still has to give in and have armies of people praying for her? I find it a manipulative reason like their religion is far more important than the mother to be's need for a quiet private labour.

Just say my DH had though about telling his parents I'd gone into labour, I just know that once I'd explained how it made me feel, he would've acquiesed. OK it would be giving in but c'mon folks, I'm the one going through the labour and if I feel more comfortable with just him and me together, that's my call.

Esspee · 30/04/2018 07:29

Best wishes for the forthcoming birth, I hope you let us know how you get on. (just checking the thread to find out if baby is here yet).

You are starting to feel the pressure of marrying into a family with different values/ beliefs from your own. How you handle this situation will set a precedent for the rest of your lives together.

holey · 30/04/2018 09:06

What's interesting reading through is that we all view the experience completely differently. I'd never considered anyone would not want to announce they were going into labour. Traditionally I guess it was a whole family thing to bring a little one into the world eg before hospitals etc and many of us still feel everyone should be part of that experience which must be difficult when you and your DH have such different views. For her first GC (my DB's daughter), both my DM and my SIL's DM were in the labour ward all flipping night waiting for the birth. As a 14 year old at the time I sort of grew up thinking this was normal (and actually quite nice) so although when mine were born we lived too far away from parents for them to actually be there, I never thought of it as a private thing to keep to ourselves. For me, that would have felt dishonest.
On the flip side, all of mine were born at night (9.27pm, 10.31pm and 12.30am) and once I'd been settled on the ward and DH had gone home it was magical to just be alone with the baby and no distractions. I never slept a wink but those first few hours alone with each baby were amazing.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/04/2018 09:41

Indeed. In contrast, I'd never considered anyone would want to announce when they went into labour.

Arrival of a baby is the 'news' and, for me, childbirth is a private experience, which I wanted to experience as peacefully and as centred on my feelings, as medically possible.

Any sense of responsibility towards other people, other than the baby, would have been a mental burden for me. And, why give them a sleepless night, even two, and potentially a lot of worry if it's a long or complicated labour, for no reason? When they can do literally nothing to help? I'd rather have nearby family fresh and ready to make casseroles / visit cheerfully etc once the baby had arrived.

Armadiloes · 30/04/2018 10:54

God no YANBU! Do not tell them when your are in as you just get bombarded with messages! Also don't tell them straight away when the little one arrives give yourself time to rest etc... I had my little one at 6am and by 9am I had family knocking on the door! I was induced so hadn't slept properly for 3 nights - could have done with the time to rest and reflect. Also its the last time you will get to be selfish so take it!.

poopsqueak · 30/04/2018 11:35

I did not want to tell anyone (particularly my mum who has a tendency to make things about herself) I also declines mums invitation to be my birth partner for the same reason.

I was forced to reveal I was in labour because It was my birthday and she was due to visit me so I had texts all day. I was in labour for 48 hours and gave birth at 3am. I had to have some pretty serious medical procedures afterwards and she still turned up at the delivery suite demanding to be in. I really really resent her for this because I couldn’t look after my child (too weak) and my partner had to leave me and my baby for 20 minutes to go take photos to her and placate her.

So even in my most desperate hour of need of support from partner she still managed to make it about herself. And I was alone.

You don’t have to tell anyone. Not a soul. It’s your and your partners baby. Just because it’s for religious reasons doesn’t trump your personal
Preference as a parent.

porcupinepine · 30/04/2018 13:22

holey completely agree, I am very surprised by this thread actually. I've not come across anyone who didn't want to tell their family. I'm a very private person but for me, I really wanted my parents support. They visited briefly a couple of hours before dc was born and I was really happy to see them. (Maybe it was the drugs?) I also had no idea if anyone was sending messages because I was in my own zone and didn't even think to look at my phone until I'd left the hospital the following day.

Turns out my dh had sent a couple of friends photos from right after the birth (sat in the bloodied pool) Shock and there were loads of messages of support and well done's. Couldn't be pissed off at him really, he was just so amazed at it all.

tillytrotter1 · 30/04/2018 13:32

I can't understand this idea that birth is a whole family event, maybe because we were abroad for both of ours, our families received either a telegram or for the next, a phone call with the news, that's all.

Cath2907 · 30/04/2018 13:40

We didn't tell anyone when I went into labor. It was late afternoon on a Sunday when contractions started - I didn't even tell hubby until they were close enough together to be interesting. We called the midwife at 11pm so family would have been in bed and I gave birth 7:50 am the next day. Once baby was present and confirmed in one piece we called family with a happy surprised. No-one was annoyed - not sure why they would have been.

SherbrookeFosterer · 30/04/2018 14:22

Do it your way - your pregnancy, your rules.

SidSparrow · 30/04/2018 15:51

I know what you mean. When labour starts and it really revs up you won't be caring... Let your husband deal with the communication.

To be honest, it's the visitors and constant interfering afterwards that got right on my t1ts!! You've got all that to look forward to! Wink

Original poster
ROTFLBSST · 30/04/2018 15:57

Thank you all for your comments, even opposing views are good to read as there have been some
interesting points made (some eye opening ones as well I'll admit!).

As I said before we've compromised and agreed that he'll let his family know once labour is properly established so the wait won't hopefully be too long. He's also agreed to turn the phone off once it's sent so there are no phone calls or distractions! How does the saying go, it's a good negotiation when both parties aren't happy with the outcome?! Grin

@Esspee hehe I will be sure to update you all on progress! I'm now five days overdue so fingers crossed there will be natural movement in the next week!!

OP posts:
Labmum · 30/04/2018 16:40

I'm glad you've come to a compromise. Wishing you luck with your arrival, hopefully very soon!

I felt totally as you did and didn't want anyone to know, luckily my family felt the same with my Mum telling me she didn't want to know until he was here (it's what they did when they had me too!). My husband's family are really laid back so we just told them that we'd not give them labour updates, they'd just be told when he was here.
I actually started with contractions while my parents were visiting for the day and helping me tidy the garden but I didn't want them to know so I managed to hide it until they left. They were very surprised to get a phone call the next morning from hubby telling them our baby boy had arrived.

The only person we told was a close friend who had agreed to pop in to feed and walk the dog.

Charlie97 · 30/04/2018 16:52

@ROTFLBSST , great now enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and we look forward to hearing your news soon 😃

Pickwickpapers · 30/04/2018 20:03

I don''t think YABU. It should be a special time for you and your husband and you should have the joy of telling people when you want to. They can wait along with everyone else - I am sure they will be some of the first to know when your baby has arrived anyway.

ForAllTheCows2012 · 30/04/2018 23:29

YANBU I wanted privacy too, hubby kept everyone informed regardless. Turns out I was justified as SIL announced our baby's arrival on FB before we had chance to........cue a barrage of texts and calls and no bloody peace at all. Still hate her lol

greeneyedlulu · 01/05/2018 20:05

Whilst you may want privacy etc the 'people' that your husband wants to share this joyous news is are his family!! It's his baby too as you will soon be saying when he wants a night out and you're stuck at home looking after 'his' baby!!!
I think you need to chill out, they want to know when you go in to hospital, not move in!
And the future you will be grateful for their interest in you and your family..... It's takes a village to raise a child etc!!

GreenTulips · 01/05/2018 20:39

It's takes a village to raise a child etc!!

Yes! OP you should take out a radio advert and give birth live on the village green! Maybe MIL could prepare a few songs and the vicar can arrange herbal teas? Just add moonlight and soft breeze to YOUR birth plan and everyone will be happy except you of course because your feelings don't count

Roussette · 01/05/2018 20:57

I think there should be morris dancing in the waiting room, OP will be able to hear the bells and sticks whilst she's in labour!

Original poster
ROTFLBSST · 08/05/2018 07:17

Morning all! Hope everyone has had a lovely BH weekend.

Update - currently being induced, gel went in so now waiting Smile cracking the playing cards out shortly!

OP posts:
ItWillAllBeOkayInTheEnd · 08/05/2018 07:18

Good luck!

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