To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

[ROTFLBSST]

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

If you text one parent on each side, would they keep it quiet for you? So yell immediate family but not put out on Facebook etc?
Thing is if someone calls and you can't be reached for hours they'll either guess or panic. For that reason at least I'd tell the closest people but make it clear who can know and that YOU will text when its happened so please don't text. Then in hospital turn it off or if you want the camera, turn data off

YANBU. I spent a weekend in labour first time. I'd had regular contractions for about 24 hours and was approaching the admission to hospital stage when family rang up for regular weekend chats. It was getting too tricky to conceal it at that point as the contractions were every 3-4 minutes. Baby wasn't born until lunchtime the next day, and while family certainly weren't intrusive to us, they were getting very concerned by the absence of updates, first because labour contuinued to progress slowly through the night/ early hours, then went to panic mode, then a delay to announce the birth due to recovery and DH visiting baby in NICU.

It was much nicer second time round when the only person who knew was our friend doing childcare. It did help that it progressed quickly through an evening so nearest and dearest got a very late message/ phone call and the rest a general announcement in the morning.

I actually felt quite reclusive in my final week of second pregnancy. DC1 had been born around due date and DC2 hung on a couple of days longer so I had a fair few messages around that week, and I didn't really want to interact with other people.

Birth is a big, personal, unpredictable process for the body to go through, and can be a hormonal minefield. Priority goes to the mum to be's preferences.

He’s a bit silly to be livid, that’s an overreaction. It’s your first baby so it’s really up to you when you tell family.
If you’re going to tell your family then he should be able to tell his.

I would let him tell his parents. It’s not worth arguing over. Just enjoy the rest of your time as a two before your baby arrives. He will be far to busy with you in the labour suit to bother with his phone and the midwife will only allow in the room who you have stated to be your birthing partner so no worry of them turning up. Good luck OP Wishing you a nice quick easy labour :-)

It's up to you op. I had a planned c section with my first and didn't tell anyone. Less choice with the second as dc1 was passed between grandparents as I went further overdue and was in and out of hospital

You're being a bit precious.

I totally agree with you. I didn't want to tell anybody as didn't want the texts. In the end only other person who knew was my mum
Who was my birthing partner. In the end I had such a fast labour we didn't have time to tell others anyway.

I felt the same as you and although my husband agreed, he wasn’t happy about it. In the end I was induced and I said you might as well tell them when I’m being induced but please tell them we will let them know when there is news and made it clear I didn’t want him on his phone when I was in labour updating! In the end it was my parents that turned up unannounced the next day and had I’d been stronger I would have made my feelings clear. My husband was lovely to them. Don’t worry too much and let him tell his family and that he’ll have to manage it if they keep asking but to tell them he will let them know once there is news.

Don't tell them. They might be the sort of nightmares that turn up at the hospital when you're in labour or minutes after the birth.

I was in so much pain during labour (back to back) don’t think I looked at my phone for 12 hours.
DP was suitably busy with looking after me.
If all else fails, just scream loudly when he heads for his phone!

I would tell him that you can't say how long labour is and you don't want them worrying. I was 30 hours with dc1, and I know if I'd told my dm before going in then she would have been worrying by half way through.

Perhaps you could compromise by saying he can send them one text but then his phone goes in his bag until afterwards-and he tells them that so they don't bombard him with messages.

I wouldn't have wanted everyone to know because I'd have then felt they were all sitting there waiting to hear. Dh actually spoke on the phone to his dm while I was in labour for dc3 and didn't say anything. We weren't sure whether it was going into active labour to be quite fair during the call, but we were heading for the hospital within the hour he came off.

YABU

I'm so glad my first came 5 days early. We rang parents and in-laws once we were home from hospital, 5 or 6 hours after ds was born. Don't remember it being an issue, or even something we discussed particularly, but I would have hated to have people pestering for updates (or even just knowing they were waiting for updates).

I've never understood this mentality of "We mustn't tell anyone a single thing - ever"

As PP have said, you are going to be more concerned with being in agony than making calls but on the flip side once you've had the baby why wouldn't you tell anyone straight off? Unless you're Kate & Wills, it seems like it's a case of "We know something nobody else knows so neh neh" Which is rather childish - IF that's the thought process behind it.
Like I said, I don't get it so I can't possibly understand it. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops when my DD was born!!!

Won’t you even be telling your own mother?

Tbh I think the your body your choice thing is really in regards to your labour and motherhood. If there is a chance they might interfere or rush down and visit, or harass you for news and so on then yes you are the priority in decision making. But if they will not tell other peopoe and won’t affect or interfere with your labour or the early days then it’s not to do with you much? When it’s not going to actually affect you then it’s just a matter about the baby rather than labour, which is as much for DH to be involved in deciding who to tell as you. I would find it really hard not to tell my parents if I was in labour (or had a partner in labour) for a child but I know if I’d told my mum not to come or interfere she wouldn’t have. If you can trust your ILs not to do more than pray, then it feels unfair to stop DH telling them (as long as it’s a quick text etc and not constant updates when he needs to be with you instead!)

While being livid is unreasonable in that you have clear reasons for being concerned, I certainly would feel pretty hurt and maybe devastated - you’re going to be parents, he probably wants to be able to share his excitement/worry/joy with his parents in the moment. Of course if his family will share it with everyone or rush to the hospital and interfere then that’s not on and YANBU as anything affecting your labour and your recovery is about your needs coming first and foremost, even if that upsets your DH.

You can also turn phones off until you DC is born.

I made the mistake of answering the phone to my mother when I was in labour. This led to calls all day to find out how things were going. It was a long, drawn out affair, went to hospital before dawn and dd was born at 11pm. She got really annoyed with a midwife (she phoned the ward as she was concerned) as dh wouldn’t leave me to go and speak to her on the phone and she was anxious how it was going, so kept phoning the ward. I’m still annoyed that she did that, partly because she tried to make the day about her and her feelings rather than what dh and I wanted.

Never occurred to me to 'announce' labor had started, why is that even news to share?

Second time the only person I told was Dsis who looked after the toddler and I doubt she told anyone else and there was nothing to share anyway

His parents can start preying now till the baby arrives

First time mothers often have lots of false alarms anyway, so all a bit pointless.

Tell him how you feel and it's none of his families business and they can know the baby is born when it's born! He needs to stop worrying about upsetting them and look after you.

Wow thanks everyone for your quick replies, the different perspectives really help.

@FannyFaceAche @captainbizz @DustyOwl I must admit I hadn't really considered that aspect that DH would need support. Would potentially explain his unusual reaction as he's normally so relaxed and laid back.

@espoleta @Sengah @DoryNora the constant WhatsApp/calling from them is my worry, he's on his FB a lot at most times. I'm sure he wouldn't at this particular event but I think it's the intrusiveness and pressure to respond if that makes sense?

@NapQueen If only!!! 

@Storm4star @NorthernLurker thank you, I'm not telling my own DP as it would be around the entire family in five minutes with the associated messaging. I'd rather just FaceTime them a few hours after the birth and say surprise your new GC has arrived. The other side is that they don't worry between being told we are off to the hospital and the all clear. I wouldn't expect my future DC to message me but that's my own expectation.

@Blondephantom @Sturmundcalm good point! Will potentially suggest that :) DH had mentioned to my MIL and SIL some embarrassing pregnancy details so keen to avoid that again.

'Livid' is a really strange over-reaction.

Why would telling them, so they can pray, result in you not having time together after the birth?

It's that time after, deciding when you'd like visitors and managing them (you may have no idea until after the birth) that you need to be agreeing upon. Not whether someone is praying for you at home.

YANBU. Your labour is your concern. Tell everyone or no one. Your call. Your DH should wind his livid neck in.

Personally, it didn't occur to me, either of us, to tell people until after the baby was born. That's the 'news event'. I don't see the point of causing other people to lose sleep unnecessarily.

Just think op, in thirty years time or so it could be you being the parent who doesn't get told. It's really not very nice. Just tell them it's kicked off and then switch phones off

Or ofcourse the op could be totally fine with that because she will understand it’s not about her, it’s not happening to her and it’s another adults private stuff.

I’m a grandmother and couldn’t give two hoots if I wasn’t told what would be my DIL’s private medical situation all I would care about was that her experance was as she wanted it to be and not filled with pressure or stress. All I would need to know is that her and baby are fine and well as and when they feel up to notifying and what they required from me in the way of visits help or support.

There's an off button on phones for a reason. Tell them, then turn the phone off. Simple.