To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

[ROTFLBSST]

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

@NeedsAsockamnesty can you be my DM?!

For those saying about turning the phones off, you're completely right of course. Getting DH to actually do that is another matter, I'm anticipating the whole thing taking a while as it's the first so will have a think on other methods of distraction :)

YANBU
I am 38 weeks pregnant with my first and feel the same as you. I am pretty close to my family, and I like my PIL but have no desire to tell them when I go into labour. As a PP says, I don’t like the idea of them sitting waiting for the big event and my Mum and MIL especially would fret if it took ages.

I am sure I won’t care either way once I’m actually in labour but right now I’d prefer it to just be something DP and I get on with and have the opportunity to focus on 100 % without feeling other people are sitting on the edge of their chairs waiting for news.

I would definitely prefer to just let people know when the baby’s here and don’t see why that is selfish.

However, having said all

of that I probably will capitulate and let at least the closest know as they would be do hurt otherwise.

I understand that you don't want to be hounded for updates all through labour - or want relatives camping out at the hospital. So perhaps you could compromise with your DH that he can call one family member (who can pass on the news) - but that there will be no constant updates and you and dh won't be responding on his mobile until well after the birth.

We didn't let either set of parents know when I went into labour with dd1 as I think they would have worried and wanted updates - in the end it was a 27 hour complex birth so it was good to call them the day after with good news.

It was all a lot simpler when I had dd1 22 years ago - no mobiles allowed on wards (so no update pressure), only 1 birth partner allowed and only dps/dhs and siblings allowed on postnatal ward so visitors had to wait.

Does your DH propose to call his parents if you leave for the hospital in the early hours of the morning?

When I was having my 1st, it was a long long haul and my mum came in in the end to keep my DH company/drag him away for some food and offer us both some support. It's handy having someone that knows what's going on but I don't think it needs to be circulated to everyone else in the family so you feel pressured and it certainly needs to be kept off social media.

I'd also be a bit concerned that your DH is preferring to appease them, and not you.

I remember dh texting his dm to let her know whilst I was in labour with my 1st dd. I believe I asked what the fuck he was doing!!?? He slowly lowered his phone and stepped away from it!

I'm really sorry as I haven't read the whole thread, which I try not to do. Your labour is yours. You decide who knows about it, what happens to your body, everything. The baby once they come out does have a place in the family. Your labour is private.

If they want to pray, they can and should start now. If they genuinely think that it makes a difference to the outcome whether they pray for strength for you and good people around you, or whatever, at 8am versus 9pm, then I think they are not correct. Who cares? It is not their labour.

Labour does not always work out the way you think it will. My DD was admitted as an emergency for DGD1 due to pre eclampsia, induced and endured 2 days of labour before the hospital realised baby was breech and did emergency c section. We knew what was going on but I think my DD and her husband wanted support of parents as it was scary. We could not do anything but at least they knew we were at end of the phone and would be up there to support them if needed. My DH took some food up for my son in law so he did not have to leave my DDs side and we did not message for updates but figured we would know as soon as there was something to know. We knew about DGD2 as planned c section and DGD1 was passed between both sets of grandparents.

It needs to be agreed between you as to what you do. If you think your DP or your PIL will be constantly pestering for updates then I agree this might be distracting. Maybe your DH is worried though and would like the support of his family. Perhaps have some ground rules. He can let parents know when labour established and then turn off phone until baby here so he is not distracted by requests for updates or ask your DPs not to text or WhatsApp until they hear from your DH.

We didn't tell anyone, but then when I was having mine this was simply not an issue. Nobody knew except the people in the house and your midwife. Others, including close family members were informed as soon as the mother felt up to visits.

Im trying to think what we did with DS1. To be honest, I cant remember. I think my DH texted my parents and his parents when we went into hospital and then many hours later while he was waiting to be allowed into theatre for c-section, and then again when he was chucked out of theatre and waiting for me in recovery.

If you have a less than straight forward birth not only does it offer him support it gives him some purpose and control to be the one in charge of updating people.

DS2 everybody knew as they were pitching in looking after DS1 and ILs prepared to visit at week 3 incase I had a repeat c-section.

As long as they don’t then turn up en masse to the hospital, then what’s the problem? You sound very controlling, OP. Why is your dh not allowed to tell his family you’re in labour? It’s his baby too

OMG how times have changed. No one knew I went into labour, we told no one until I'd had baby (twice). In fact we were due round at friends for a meal but just didn;t turn up, they guessed! Where's the mystery any more? Why do people feel the need to tell everyone?

OP do what's right for you and hopefully your DH. My first labour went on and on and on, I would've hated it if everyone knew I was struggling, which I was.

I don't get all this secrecy. The new baby will certainly be your son or daughter but they will also be related to many people on both sides of your marriage (relationship)
What about CAtherine Duchess of Cambridge, the whole world was watching with baited breath for her to give birth.

All the births in my wider family are open news. It is all about people caring about the new mum to be and the baby. There are a group at the hospital and folks standing by in their homes for news.
It would not go down well with the wider family if we were not told of the impending birth. Personally I feel like it is using the baby as a bargaining tool. You cant see the new little relative until I decide you can. Watch out that does not come back and bite your backside

The secrecy boils down to the fact we are very private people and we didn't want everyone knowing the ins and outs of my labour. But... my DCs are adults now so maybe times have changed. I'm glad I could do all this privately with just me and my DH welcoming our precious babies into the world.

I had my baby 6 weeks ago and my biggest regret is letting my OH tell everyone. You need to be relaxed enough to focus on labour and not be distracted. Within a couple of hours of giving birth I had my inlaws there including a 4 year old whos mother handed my DD to for a cuddle! Looking back I feel a bit bitter I didn't just have those few hours to myself when I was exhausted and not slept for 48 hours. Please don't be afraid to put your foot down and sod it if anyone thinks your rude, it's your body and your baby. If I have any more children I would do things differently. Good luck OP and stick to your guns! X

I would NOT expect my adult DD to tell me she'd gone into labour! It would be between her and her DH!

Just tell him that he can let them know when you go into hospital on condition that from then on you need him to help you as it is both your baby and he cannot opt out for phone calls until your baby is born.

Totally agree Gina. I will never forget those precious times with just me, our baby and my DH on our own.

My dc are in their 20s. We never told anyone except friend minding little ones. I wanted to tell my parents myself when it was all over. No way would either one set turn up at hospital. So much easier in those days with not so many phones. I never knew when my dsis were in labour. All l wanted was the good news.
They can pray everyday from here on so sure to be covered on the day.
I am totally pro mils ..visitors if up to it etc but fully understand you not wanting them to know. But l would tell them pretty soon afterwards as you will be bursting to tell everyone.

It would not go down well with the wider family if we were not told of the impending birth

What actual difference did it make if you knew the relative was in labour or not?
Why would it not go down well that someone didn't feel the need/have time to impart news of there cervic?

YANBU. I didn't tell anyone until my daughter was born.

He's being ridiculous. I was overdue and my labour was 2 days long and ended in an emergency c section. My parents knew I was in labour (we lived with them and after 24hrs we had to go to hospital) and it caused a ridiculous amount of stress and worry when we weren't replying to other family members random chat, who all then called my mum to find out if I was okay, which led to her panicking as everybody told her that she should have heard from me by now if all was okay 🙄Daughter was born at 1am so it was a further 6/7 hours before we were able to tell my parents, let alone anybody else.

That's before considering your feelings, as the expectant mother who is in labour. Why on earth does everybody need to know?
After the long and fucking tiring labour the last thing husband and I wanted was to see people, we just wanted some time with our daughter. You really don't know how you'll feel until the baby is there.

So you are denying your husband any supports he might need. Also, I hope your birth goes well but there can be problems at these times and all you are keeping open is the messaging after the fact which will probably be good news but may not be.

Don't tell them!
We made the mistake of telling our parents when I went into hospital to have ds1. It took a lot longer than we thought. Parents didn't pester us but both mothers sat up all night by their phones and by the time there was any happy news to share they were both hugely exhausted, stressed and worried.

'You can't see the new little relative until I decide you can'

What on earth is wrong with that? Isn't that what everyone does? I was a total exhibitionist, genuinely disappointed not to have a troop of medical students watching ds crown, desperate for visitors from a few hours in. But that was my choice. How come those who.like privacy get side-eye and snark? Would you genuinely expect to breathe over a newborn if the mother wasn't totally happy with the idea?

And most importantly of all, labour is a process happening to the mother's body. I can't believe people think the Duchess if Cambridge's situation means everyone has to give updates to the Sun.