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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

420 replies

ROTFLBSST · 27/04/2018 21:45

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

OP posts:
Davros · 28/04/2018 19:15

We used to joke, when I had DS many years ago, that the midwife said "the head's out, the MIL is here, the rest of the baby is out"! I think she arrived at some point right at the end, she didn't come into the delivery room thank god. She pissed me off when she phoned both of DH's sisters to tell them the news before he got a chance Envy

ToadsforJustice · 28/04/2018 19:30

OP, if you are having issues with DH over a few prayers during your labour, I wish you the best of luck with raising your DC.

pickly · 28/04/2018 19:57

Sadly I was thinking the same thing toads. Sad

If he wants to keep his family happy, why isn't he respecting your wishes? You're the one giving birth.

Sparklynails7 · 28/04/2018 20:03

OP maybe you could let your parents and DH's parents know when you're in labour, but get your DH to tell them that neither of you want visitors straight away because you want to spend some precious alone time together as a little family.

noeffingidea · 28/04/2018 20:37

Mousefunky 'would I want to know if my grandchild was on the way?Hell yes'
You can want all you want, but if your daughter/daughter in law wanted privacy over her labour her wishes should come first, surely?

mathanxiety · 28/04/2018 20:54

it's not just prayer but reading specific passages before baby is born

I have never come across this. What religion are they members of, OP? (Just curious really).

Also, I would try to tackle them myself and not leave it to DH.

mathanxiety · 28/04/2018 20:55

Though I agree that keeping the family happy while demonstrating that he is fine with causing you a lot of upset does not bode well for your future relationship.

banannabreadforme · 28/04/2018 20:59

Would they be likely to interfere? Would they post on social media? I think it's up to you. If you don't want them to know don't tell them. It's your body, your giving birth.

Almostfifty · 28/04/2018 21:05

For goodness sake. It's your baby, not your family's. Tell who you want, and if that's no-one, then don't tell anyone.

The only person who knew I was in labour was the person looking after the other children. So no-one for the first, then one for every other. Having watched my DM ringing the ward every five minutes when my DSis had her children, there was no way she was going to do that.

It's your baby, you don't want the world and his wife knowing, so tell your DH that you're the one having the baby, and what you say goes.

Original poster
ROTFLBSST · 28/04/2018 21:50

Thanks to those saying this indicates the doom of my marriage, overdue pregnant lady over here has taken that on board SadThanks

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 28/04/2018 22:15

I would be so fucking furious at him not respecting my views that he would not know either and I would go to my mum's to get a bit of peace. One needs to be relaxed in labour and not be worrying about anything else. I think stress can have a detrimental effect on the progress of labour, if I remember correctly. I was a little stressed during pregnancy with the world and his wife wanting to know if things were moving. Blush

The relationship is not going to go well if he puts his family before you.

Mil was an absolute pain in the arse about our wedding such that it left me only wanting to see her for limited periods of time. She lost out on seeing the grandchildren due to needingto control every aspect of the wedding and it not being good enough for her. The point being that these thing damage the relationship.

Pratchet · 28/04/2018 22:28

It's not the doom of your marriage. You are a strong woman and he needs to listen to you. You are about to bring another human into the world and by God he needs to listen to you now.

Wuss2018 · 28/04/2018 22:34

Well let's face facts your husbands going to text them anyway and you won't care at the time nor after as your priorities will have changed in seconds. Bigger things to worry about op

CocoaGin · 28/04/2018 22:54

I'd be saying him a prayer too, one that hopes he survives upsetting his heavily pregnant wife Hmm.

HerSymphonyAndSong · 28/04/2018 22:54

“you won't care at the time nor after as your priorities will have changed in seconds”

Actually the number of women on here (not just this thread) who say in retrospect that they wish they hadn’t told people etc shows that this is a bollocks reason to dismiss the OP’s current feelings

HerSymphonyAndSong · 28/04/2018 22:57

In fact, the whole “oh you won’t even notice/care what is happening” is one of those things people say to excuse not getting meaningful consent from pregnant women - it may seem to matter less in this case than in others, but is part of the culture and should be treated with caution as an attitude

annikin · 28/04/2018 23:06

YANBU in my view. I also value my privacy, and really didn't want everyone to get a blow by blow account of the process, or to feel under pressure in any way. Luckily dh agreed with me, and we were only too happy to share the news soon after the birth, when we felt it was the right time. Good luck with your dh, I hope he comes round.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 28/04/2018 23:34

So he refuses to respect your wishes and puts his family's wants before yours. He's a selfish twat. You are the one in labour so you are the one who gets to decide. I don't care that it's his baby too, pregnancy and labour happens to women so they should have the final say on these things.

Sparklynails7 · 29/04/2018 06:44

OP this isn't the end of your relationship. You just need to explain to your DH that you value privacy and don't want visitors the day you've given birth. You want your DH and yourself to bond with your new baby... and you want time to freshen yourself up before visitors!

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2018 07:15

You need to remind him that you and your baby are his family. His parents, siblings, aunts and uncles are extended family. The person he should want to keep happy is you. He’s bullying you. So what if his extended family will think you strange. A lot of us here on mumsnet wouldn’t like for our partners to tell family without our consent. Seeing as we are the ones actually giving birth and are the actual patient. I’m not the only one, who thinks his family are strange for wanting to pray. I’d hate that and would object.

yikesanotherbooboo · 29/04/2018 07:46

Not the doom of your marriage !
I think that over the issue of prayers you should agree to your DH letting his immediate family know that you are in labour. I am very private and didn't consider letting anyone know that I was in labour . In particular I wouldn't have wanted to worry close family and it is no one beyond their business.
DH can inform his DM or whom ever ask for privacy and say they will be updated when it is all over. Phones off and no need for intrusion.
Agree , assume you don't have fabled mumsnet mil who appears at labour ward doors; that would effect my thinking!

Bearsinmotion · 29/04/2018 08:03

It’s not the doom of your marriage!

I’ve never heard of specific prayers timed around the birth - labour could take 5 minutes or several days, how do you work around that?!

DP and I aren’t religious but he would have wanted to tell people and I didn’t. For DC2 I was booked in for an induction at 9am on Wednesday. By 9pm the day before I realised those stabbing pains were labour. Got to the hospital about midnight, when we decided it was too late to text people. By 6 am DS was here, so when people started to text to wish me luck we replied with a photo of a sleeping newborn! My mum in particular was delighted and I found it much less stressful!

Charlie97 · 29/04/2018 09:12

Thanks to those saying this indicates the doom of my marriage, overdue pregnant lady over here has taken that on board

It is not the end of your relationship. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and the birth, come back and tell us how it all was.

Thanks
diddl · 29/04/2018 09:50

"You are a strong woman and he needs to listen to you."

He's not listening though is he?

He is more concerned about his/his families religion & Op fitting in around this.

Confusedbeetle · 29/04/2018 17:27

It is your decision. I told my Mum 20 mins after the baby arrived. My four children told me when they were in labour and I was worried sick until the safe delivery. But I am an atheist

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