To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

[ROTFLBSST]

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

YANBU i wanted exactly the same my DH disgreed did call his m&d but at least had sense to ask them not to come until after the birth. Saying that they are all excited!! Good luck!!!!

Having a baby isn't something medical
Yes it is, in the sense that you receive care from a HCP.
And even if it wasn't, labour is still something that happens to the mothers body, which she doesn't have to share with anyone else if she doesn't want to.

I’m thankful that mobiles weren’t a thing when I had my first - when I plus new DD went safely up to the post natal ward, my husband was able to go home and ring around various grandparent and siblings. He was able to give full baby details and reassurance about me., without having to have kept up updates on progress ( or otherwise)

LoislovesStewie Sun 29-Apr-18 18:06:43
What concerns me is that if it is so important that they feel that they have to pray when you are in labour then what else is going to be important for them? I hope that they don't then request other rituals or religious obligations which you might be unhappy with

This^^
And I say this as a practicing Catholic.

He doesn't get to trump your wishes just because it's his family, or because the topic is religion or prayer.

This is why the relationship looks as if it could be in for trouble. He feels there are things more important than you.

You can't just override someone else's preferences. The name of the game is respectful discussion in good faith, with the possibility of peaceful compromise.

I find it quite odd you wouldn't want to say anything, telling them doesn't mean you have to put it on social media and you aren't obliged to answer messages during labour. I'm sure once labour kicks off you won't be looking at your phone thinking about messages you're receiving (I wasn't). My hubby was taking photo's and videos the whole time and I didn't even notice.

I think careful consideration should be given here, men can be left out a bit with pregnancy and labour, this is a way for him to be involved and share it with you, since he can't do anything else. I know you are/have been doing all the hard work but he is also a parent to this child and he should be allowed to share it with his family so that they can pray for you all.

If I was him I would also be livid I have to say.

I think as long as they respect your privacy during labour/birth)just after, there's no harm in your in laws being told. They're bound to want to know. As long as they don't keep bothering you and wait for your DH to get in touch with them when the time is right.

Snowman123, I am 53 and my oldest children are 28, 25 and both have steady GF/BF - so the possibility of having a grandchild in the next few years is a real one.

No, I would not like to 'share the excitement'.

They are not putting on an entertainment for my benefit.

They are entering into a process that is in many ways sacred and also deeply personal to them both individually and as a couple.

If they didn't answer the phone around the time they were due, then I think I have enough cop on to understand they might well be at the hospital and to take the hint that they are not inclined to talk about it.

...men can be left out a bit with pregnancy and labour

FGS - women have to pander to the menz even when they are doing the equivalent of running a bloody marathon (literally).

Seriously? The poor diddums can feel 'left out'? Are they five?

People waiting outside while you're in labour???

I can't think of anything more horrendous. Why in gods name would anyone want an audience even if there is a wall between you?

I had one awful long labour, I needed time to get myself togethe with just me, baby and DH. The pressure of people outside wanting to see baby would have honestly tipped me over the edge.

Fast forward 25 years and its your son or daughter going to hospital for a new baby. Would you like to know?

Only if she wanted me to know.

porcupine how on earth is he being left out? He's at the birth! He's as involved as he can be. That doesn't mean to say the OP wants all his family involved too. He is sharing everything with his DW and his new baby.

My Mum said she didn’t want to know when I was in labour, and having been at home with my parents whilst SIL was in labour it was awful knowing it was happening but not knowing IYSWIM. It turned out the long silence meant baby had been rushed to NICU.

Have a chat with your DH about what support he feels he needs to be able to support you. Then work out how to put that into practice. We kept it to a minimum of people knowing - I was induced so it was a bit pre-planned but I knew I didn’t want to be bothering with updating people. Once at the hospital I turned off location services on my phone so I didn’t even inadvertently reveal it and spark off comments.

My DH ended up going out a couple of times with updates for my Mum (when we transferred to the labour ward and when we were told I could start pushing after an hour’s rest) but as my labour was very controlled and I had an epidural I could cope without him there. I doubt with a ‘normal’ labour that would work. There is no way I’d have let him phone from my room, or from the corridor (wouldn’t have wanted him disturbing other people)

To who ever had a home birth and it stalled when she was being watched by the midwife, the same thing happened to me.

I was three days yes, three frigging days and nights in labour because of the stress of being observed, and ended up having to go into the hospital for even more observation and gels etc and having a horrific crash section in the end.

I felt like I was at a work performance review the whole time.
Time=1 cervix at 3 cm
Time=2 cervix at 4 cm

It want on and frigging on. Really agonizing strapped on heartbeat monitors for 20 minutes every two hours round the clock.

Prayers or not, it was quite the most stressful thing I’ve ever done with every midwife and obstetric consultant in the hospital jamming her / his bony hand up my fanjo measuring.

I was lucky not to have interfering family, because I’m sure they would have wanted a go as well.... why not everyone else did.

If you think your DH is on your side op, I’d think again. You’re a vessel to him. You could be any womb on legs incubating his church’s newest recruit, if he doesn’t put your wishes first.

I’d fight for my rights tooth and nail at this stage, or I don’t see how he’d have my back at all in the exhausting baby and toddler years ahead.

I wish you the very best of luck.

Oh and once DD was born DH went and rang parents, msg then cascaded to siblings but no further. We didn’t put anything on FB until 24+ hours later.

TBH there was enough going on at that point with transferring to postnatal, trying to establish feeding, trying to get some sleep after being awake for an entire weekend and getting some food after being nil by mouth for nearly 24 hours without even thinking about updating people

When I had my second baby someone, in laws, announced it on Facebook before I'd even told my mum. Livid accurately describes how I felt, so yeah, with the next two kids I didn't tell anyone, I didn't even tell anyone the sex of the baby, because even 'keep it a secret upon pain of death DO NOT TELL ANYONE' my mil interpreted as 'just tell who you want and as them to also keep it a secret while meaning tell whoever you want'

Could you have a plan of action with dh. A standard text of 'we are heading to the hospital now as labour has started, i will text updates when i can but will obviously be focusing on helping with the labour so please do not text/call until you hear from us.'

Fyi - my family desperatly wanted to know when my labour started, and i ended up reluctantly agreeing to tell them. I had mild Braxton his like contractions the evening before, but at 4am we decided to go to hospital as they were established contractions that i couldn't sleep though anymore. Didn't want to wake anyone with phone calls/text messages in the middle of the night. 3 hours later dd had been born (just after 7am). So everyone got the news of dds birth whilst they were just getting up.

Doesn't it make you feel sorry for poor Katherine ?

"DH is the first partner in his family to actually attend a birth as well which may be contributing to this, it's normally a female only affair."

Is this a cultural thing? What religion are your partner's family?

I think a compromise would work here...
let him tell the family when you've went into labour but be clear about no visits until you are ready.
This is a precious time for the 3 of you to bond without being bombarded, but share the news and let people be happy for you.
best wishes to you all xx

It sounds a bit controlling. I would understand if you were saying you wanted no visitors at the hospital, or for a few days, but to tell your husband he is is not allowed to contact his parents so they can pray, sounds ott.

Of course men are left out, they don't carry their child for 9 months or give birth to them, both an enormous privilege in my opinion. The one thing he wants to do to is share his excitement with his family and so they can pray for their baby and he's not allowed to.

I don't think it's all that bad to let him have this moment.

'Telling' family she's gone into labour doesn't mean they're 'involved' in the birth. He's just telling them, they're not going to turn up and start praying over the baby as soon as it comes out (I presume).

Tell them, switch off phone, update later.

And the ILs really are not lovely if they simply haven't listened to you at all about the birth partner thing, OP.

Lovely is as lovely does.

We won’t be telling MIL either. She’s said she will be showing up as soon as I’m in labour, despite us telling her no. Said she wanted to stay after the birth, we said no. She said she wanted to stay before the birth, we said no. She never replied to any of them other than the one about labour and it was about 2 days later she made a comment about how she could be there at the birth and my mum could look after the kids... she then went on to tell me how she will be at the hospital all day because the visiting hours allow it hahhahaa.... no. Just no.

So we won’t be telling her.

This is not just something that is happening to a woman’s body - such as menstruation or defecating - this is something that is happening to the entire family, especially the father of the baby. I do not agree of audiences in the delivery room but a simple phone call on such a lovely exciting occasion should be made by the father if he wishes. His rights as the father.

I see the OP as a very a controlling person who will probably have all kinds of silly access rules for the grandparents when it comes to seeing their grandchild. She may even bloke them from seeing pictures of their GC on FB. It is what controlling people do.

*block - not bloke

Why does woman wanting privacy = controlling, I wonder?

There isn’t really a compromise between telling them and not telling them, is there? The OP has nothing to do with people visiting etc, it’s about announcing the start of labour

We have agreed that we won’t tell anyone mainly because our parents will then start to worry and if everything goes well that seems unnecessary. If there is an emergency, and especially if H needs support or advice from family, then of course he will contact whoever he needs to.

I find it really interesting how people are implying that this is a pregnant woman being super-sensitive and secretive, when they themselves are the ones getting offended at the idea of not being informed about an impending delivery that is happening to another couple. If that isn’t over sensitive I don’t know what is.

No Charolais, childbirth is something only the woman is going through. Don’t try to make trampling on women’s boundaries acceptable