To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

[ROTFLBSST]

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

This is not just something that is happening to a woman’s body - such as menstruation or defecating

eeeuuuuwwwwww

Her DH's family only want to know so they can start God-bothering. It's nobody's business but hers and her husband's when she's in labour.

We didn't tell anyone and it caused huge ill feeling with our family, mine in particular. My mum refused to speak to me when I called from the hospital and is still bitter about it.

but I don't regret it, the last thing you want to be worrying about when giving birth is updating the people that are worrying about you. the way I look at it is its her issue, I was the one in labour, so I get to dictate what happens.

His rights as the father

Well by those rules he should be able to live stream the whole thing!

I mean why not? It's his child too!

Having a baby isn't something medical!

^^ Officially the most stupid comment I've ever seen on Mumsnet. 😂

I think you are being unreasonable. It's an exciting time for grandparents. My daughter phoned me and asked me to come to the hospital and bring her sister. Her hubby didn't mind. I would totally have stayed away if she'd wished but I'd have been very upset to not have been told.
Imagine the absolute worst happened (ie your death and/or baby, God forbid) and both sets of parents didn't even know you'd gone to the hospital. Let your hubby tell his parents!

i refused to let my then DH tell his parents because MIL was wanting to be my birth partner. I told DH that I wouldn't tell him either if he was going to tell his parents as MIL would have turned up at the delivery suite and been told to fuck off

We didn't tell before, but right after. My PIL arrived while I was still upstairs in delivery quarters and kept harassing the nurses, FIL placing his camera at the ready and demanding to be told the exact hight of the bed I would arrive in with DS. FIL clicking away while I was still covered in all kinds of birth stuff, baby on my chest. MIL ánd her mom wanting to touch and hold the baby before I was ready for that. Chased them all out after 10 minutes, told them to come back half a day later.

“Imagine the absolute worst happened (ie your death and/or baby, God forbid) and both sets of parents didn't even know you'd gone to the hospital.”

How on earth would knowing that they had gone to the hospital make dealing with this tragic outcome any easier?? It makes no sense at all!

OP, I really feel for you.

For me, and I think many other women, labouring was an intensely private thing. Instinctively I wanted to be almost alone in the corner of a cave, in total privacy. I have always laboured at home, I sent my best-friend birth partner home, I heard a midwife ask DH if her chatting was intrusive, heard him say “of course not “, and shouted ‘yes it is!’, sent her away until I was ready to start pushing and didn’t even tell my Mum I was in labour when she rang to speak to me. I was fully dilated and didn’t mention it.

I would have felt ‘not private’ with an arena of people knowing, waiting, praying, worrying and BLOODY WHATSAPPING!

Talk to your DH about how you feel. Ask how he thinks he might feel
If he was about to give birth for the first time. And with his hormones sky high.

Your labour, your birth.

Flipping dogs and cats hide away when they're giving birth, and women are expected to put on a floor show!

One of the most important things for women in labour is that they feel safe. For some that will mean having family and loved ones close by or praying/thinking of them, or checking in for updates, providing remote or physical support etc. Others may need complete privacy. Family members getting upset about not getting informed shouldn’t come into it - it is not about them

YABU. If you have a second child, your families will probably be the first people you’ll contact so they can look after your other child. Bit cheeky really!

Eminently sensible to not tell everyone when you're in labour. I see lots of dads/partners attached to their phones answering texts while their partner labours (I'm a midwife). It distracts the men and can also annoy the labouring woman. I've also had to keep over-excited family member out of the labour ward when they've turned up unannounced, and encourage (gently and not-so-gently!) them to leave when the labouring woman wants them to go and they're not taking the hint.

We know women labour better when undisturbed/unobserved. It's not hard to see how feeling observed by family knowing you're labouring could interfere with a woman's natural labour. If it's something the woman is uneasy with, that's not going to do much for her oxytocin.

It's quite lovely when a partner send a pic of a jubilant woman holding thier newborn out to friends and family saying "guess what happeed" or similar.

I get that people are excited and want to know what's going on, but the person who is truly important at a birth is the labouring woman, and if she wants her labour to remain a secret to all but her partner, well that's what should happen

Really Mmdck, families would be so petty as to say that, would they? My family and H’s are just so loving and keen to support us in the way we need. From this thread, other families seem to be really quite sensitive and grudge-bearing at what is supposed to be a happy time, it’s very strange

When I went into labour with our second child, my mum looked after our little boy, so she obviously knew what was happening. Went in at midnight, baby born at 2.30am, husband called mum at 3.30am and the next day she asked me why it took so long to let her know ! Had to remind her I needed to get the placenta out, feed him, dress him and have him checked out by the doctor because of breathing difficulties. We live in a very impatient world these days.

Anyway, YANBU wanting some time and space at this special moment. Good luck

@Loosemoose28 that's a good compromise with the day/night notification. Have read many of other PPs have done something similar and worked well.

@FranticallyPeaceful good luck with your birth  and dealing with your MIL!

@JeremyCorbynsBeard agreed I really like the idea that we have a few hours to ourselves as a new family when no one knows about our little addition seems many PP think this selfish...

@2ManyChoices that's exactly why I'm not telling my own DM when labour starts. I told her about the pregnancy before twelve weeks and asked her not to spread the news until the twelve week scan was clear. Had messages from the wider family literally within ten minutes congratulating us

@TinyTickler I suspect we may get the same. Out of interest what did your DM say when you shared the news of your LO? I don't quite get why people get so upset about being told about the birth rather than the labour, it's like they're not in on the secret or something?! For me it's really quite a personal private event, once baby and I are fine am more than happy to share the news.

@Snowman123 If my DC do go in to have their own children I wouldn't expect to hear from them until they were ready and baby had arrived.

@Bearsinmotion @MissDuke @LoniceraJaponica After speaking with DH the prayers and reading (from Quran) is to actively assist in the labour and ask that it's an easy birth. I believe it's a cultural thing for it to normally be female only, although in their hospitals men aren't actually allowed in the birthing room so a bit of both!

"I see the OP as a very a controlling person who will probably have all kinds of silly access rules for the grandparents when it comes to seeing their grandchild. She may even bloke them from seeing pictures of their GC on FB" @Charolais I'll admit that did make me laugh, that's really not the case at all. More than happy to share everything once little one has arrived and we've had some time together, would just prefer the actual birth to be a private.

I made the decision not to tell my family or DP family. My sister was my birthing partner so she knew obviously but that was it expect for DP. I’m quite private like you so I really wanted the first day to be just us four. My sister left quite soon after the birth and then we spent the next few days just soaking DD and family life in.

Unlike you DP family and I dont really get on. They were quite rude and dismissive about the prospect of the first grandchild/niece coming into the family.
Towards the end of my pregnancy they started asking when DD would be here - Didn’t think they deserved to know. In you’re situation I would consider telling them if DP felt strongly and you get on well with them. As long as your DP lets them know not to ask for updates and that he’ll send a message to let everyone know when you’re all ready.

I think it is ultimately your choice. I really didn’t want people to know as I felt labour was quite a private process, and hated the thought that everyone was clock-watching and my mum would have been really anxious. It turned out to be the right decision, as with DS1 I was in active labour for 36 hours and then needed to go to theatre. We called relatives once I was back in recovery and ready to share the happy news, that’s e had DS1, and that, despite a few issues, I was doing fine. DS was six hours old by that point, but it felt right for us.

YANBU. If one set of parents know it has all started off then surely the other should be given the same courtesy. As you do not intend to tell anyone until the proceedings are all over with then your DH should do the same respecting why you made your decision. Goid luck , hope all goes well.

You are absolutely NBU. I didn’t tell a soul. Not even my parents - it’s a sad fact that labour doesn’t always end happily (albeit uncommon) - I wanted my baby here safely first before I let anyone know a thing.

*sweetcheeks1980

I think you are being unreasonable. It's an exciting time for grandparents.*

So their excitement takes priority? Should they also be there at the conception?!

Imagine the absolute worst happened (ie your death and/or baby, God forbid) and both sets of parents didn't even know you'd gone to the hospital. Let your hubby tell his parents!

Exactly why you wouldn’t tell someone you love and care for that you’re currently enduring an experience that remains the leading-cause of death amongst women across the globe. In this country (UK) we’re lucky that maternal or baby tragedy in childbirth are uncommon, but we also all know someone who has experienced such a loss. Any parent/potential grandparent who puts their own wishes above those of the person actually having to birth the baby, is the selfish one.

HerSymphonyAndSong what do you want- a medal? All families are different. Just because yours are that way it doesn’t mean everyone’s are 🙄

HerSymphonyAndSong also I didn’t say the family would care. I just said it was a bit cheeky. Doesn’t mean family would think the same. Don’t be so judgemental of other people’s families.

I have not RTFT so I don’t know what religion your DH’s family are. But if I wanted to pray for someone as they give birth and didn’t know when that would be, I would choose to just pray for them regularly and I would respect their privacy. Some friends have text me for prayer during labour and that is fine, but I don’t think that my prayers are heard any less if I don’t know the specifics. To me, the ‘but they want to pray’ argument is a bit manipulative because I suspect the real truth is simply that they want to know. Nothing wrong with wanting to know, but they don’t have a right to and shouldn’t pressure you based on prayer. If your DH can inform them without neglecting duties as a birth partner then maybe that is OK and you can turn your phone off. But his first priority is you, not them.

Imagine the absolute worst happened

You would be informed as and when they felt ready to convey the news.

Younpacing and texting isn't the answer